4 weeks have gone by this NFL season and I know what you all
are thinking, where are the Chocolate Puma’s extremely early NFL Awards? Have
no fear baby birds, the Puma is here to feed you. With a quarter of the NFL
season over I present to you, first the Puma Power Rankings and the extremely early
NFL awards.
32. Cleveland Browns
31. Jacksonville Jaguars
30. Indianapolis Colts
29. New Orleans Saints
28.Kansas City
Chiefs
27. Oakland Raiders
26.Miami Dolphins
25. New York Jets
24. Tennessee Titans
23. Carolina Panthers
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
21. St. Louis Rams
20. Seattle Seahawks
19. Buffalo Bills
18. Washington Redskins
17. Detroit Lions
16. Pittsburgh Steelers
15. Dallas Cowboys
14. Denver Broncos
13. Minnesota Vikings
12. San Diego Chargers
11. Green Bay Packers
10. Cincinnati Bengals
9. New York Giants
8. Philadelphia Eagles
7. Chicago Bears
6. New England Patriots
5. Arizona Cardinals
4. Baltimore Ravens
3. San Francisco 49ers
2.Atlanta Falcons
1. Houston Texans
MVP of the first four games:
No big deal, just a 112 QB rating and an 11-2 TD to Int ratio
Matt Ryan, QB- Atlanta Falcons
Rookie of the year:
Robert Griffin III, QB- Washington Redskins
Defensive player of the year:
J.J. Watt, DL- Houston Texans
Play of the year:
Holy crap what a catch!
And in case you're all wondering I am .500 or better in 4 out of 5 leagues. Do I smell another runner up year?
Hi Lupe, gotta say I am a big fan of your music sir. “Food
and Liquor” was an album that my college neighbors can attest to was always
playing in my apartment. And don’t get
me started on the follow up. Sweet mercy, the Puma to this day has been known
to get hype to a little “Go Go Gadget Flow.” The work your foundation does here
in the city is nothing short of amazing and I can tell you truly do love
Chicago and the youth in it as evidenced by your interaction with the *ahem* “eloquent”
Chief Keef.That is why I was so
disheartened when I read your latest comments on the subject of voting.
“Let me heal from the wounds of 400 yrs of institutionalized
agony and destruction first then maybe I'll think about voting.” I don’t even
know where to begin with this misguided belief of yours. People literally have
fought and died for your right to engage in a civic duty of any democracy. You see whether you agree with the candidates
or not, it’s my personal opinions that you owe it to your ancestors, to those
who have walked the path before us to vote. I remember growing up hearing
stories from my grandmother about that time. She told me about how she and my
grandfather had to PAY and take a test to prove they were indeed worthy of the
right to vote. On my 18th birthday,
there was an immense sense of pride as I registered to vote and got my voter
registration card, a sense of pride I’m guessing you are unfamiliar with.
And how pray tell do you plan on healing “the wounds of 400
yrs of institutionalized agony and destruction”? By releasing some positive rap
mix tapes? By staying at home and tweeting self righteously how people like me aren’t
as socially aware as people like you?
Well Lupe, let me tell you this, you have no right to
complain about society and government if you’re not doing the most basic of
civic duties. There are more than just presidential elections but apparently you’re
too busy “healing” to vote for local leaders which have more of a day to day
impact on the communities you claim to love so. So Lupe, next time you proclaim a President to
be a terrorist or complain about a broken system, ask yourself what you did to
make it better.
It’s been a long time fans of the Puma, and I shouldn’t have left you without some ridiculousness to…you know read or whatever. Yes folks it’s been almost a month since you got to take deep breaths and bask in my awesome glowing glow. I’m gonna keep it short because young Puma has a pleasant surprise for all of you.
· I wonder where all those NHL fans are that last season were so eager to criticize NBA players not realizing that they were in the same position? Are they “thugs” who don’t realize how lucky they are to play a game?
· Speaking of strikes, when did it become cool to demonize teachers? Who’s getting picked on next, nurses? Librarians? Jeez.
· Chris Brown…word? A tattoo of a battered woman? Word?
Stay classy buddy.
· Jonathan Vilma appears to have been vindicated in the witch hunt brought against him in the Saints bounty scandal. From the get go he claimed there was no evidence against him and if there was any proof present it.
· Few things bring me as much joy as Stage Plank cookies which were happily sent to me by my big sister. She knows her brother well.
Pure Bliss.
· Brian Scalabrine…the NBA will miss you.
I think I have given you enough of a small dose to introduce to you a man who is a legend in his own right. A man great enough to go toe to toe with the Puma on numerous occasions, the Kornheiser to my Wilbon and my comedic foil for well about a decade at this point. You know him as the Wee Man, I refer to him as the first guest contributor ever to grace the pages of the Chocolate Puma’s lair, the foremost authority on college football that I personally know…
Wait a second, that’s, THAT’S MUSTANG DYNAMITE’S MUSIC!!!!!!
Bitches and Gentlemen, my name is Mustang Dynamite.My father above in heaven put me on Earth for
two reasons: to please a willing lady and to spread knowledge about college
football.Now while the former will
forever be at the heart of the matter, I will abstain from that endeavor for
the moment and distill knowledge concerning the latter.
We are now entering the third week of the college football
season, and if you are wondering why Mustang’s knowledge dispensation seems to
be two weeks late, well, that’s just because a certain Kate Upton is also two
weeks late, if ya follow.So far, 2012
has been a validation of all we have learned about college football in the last
5 years, that the Big 10 (11,12)sucks
ass, the SEC plays mean defense and that if you unnecessarily wear new uniforms
from Nike you will succeed in looking like radioactive ass water.With that in mind, Mustang is going make
three observations from what he’s seen so far, offer predictions for the big
games of the week, and give you a real talk moment of the week to wrap things
up before the shift change takes place at the Ranch.
3 Real Things:
1.The Big 10 is a
damn farce.Once upon a time it was the
premier conference in the nation.Then
the SEC tore its ass up with a combination of grits, golds and speed.After that, the Big 10 hung to the quaint
notion that despite getting its ass rocked with swiss watch regularity; they
still held a moral superiority over their southeastern mongol conquerors.Well that went away as fast as a JoePa
heartbeat (or lack thereof).Now they
are nothing more than the Big East with colder winters, fatter women, and more
embarrassing bowl results.
2.The only thing
dumber than preseason polls are preseason Heisman predictions.I mostly say this because somehow people think
Landry Jones is still a candidate, let alone a good football player.Until these top guys actually play a quality
opponent, they haven’t proven shit to Mustang.Lets see Barkley beat Stanford for the first time in his life, or Geno
Smith beat something better than a Herd.With that said, the three most impressive players in Mustang’s eyes have
been LeVeon Bell from Michigan State, Jarvis Jones from Georgia, and DeAnthony
Thomas from Oregon.
3.I’m just going to
get this out of the way now so you won’t have to hear me bitch about it all
season, but just like sexual predators shouldn’t be allowed near children, Matt
Millen shouldn’t be allowed near a football stadium and a microphone.This fat piece of wide receiver drafting shit
is so proudly dumb and wrong at all times that I really think he’s a Fox News
analyst pretending to know about sports.Why anyone thinks his opinion is valid after what he did in Detroit is
all the proof you need that this world is a motherfucker.
3 Real Predictions:
Every week Mustang will make predictions for three big games
that weekend.Consider this knowledge to
be an early Christmas present
1.Michigan State 38
Notre Dame 16.Notre Dame thinks they’re
good.Michigan State knows they’re good.State struggled with Boise, but Boise has
much better coaching than the Irish.Sparty wins and Sparty riots.
2.Alabama 41
Arkansas 13.Arkansas was fucked as soon
as Petrino got on that motorcycle in regards to this game.(Note to Petrino, instead of driving your
side ass around town like a goddamned homecoming queen, just slay the bitch and
give her cab fare for the ride back to her husband).They replaced him with John L Smith, who is
only good at creating dumb and undisciplined teams.This is the exact opposite of what Nick Saban
does at Alabama.Easy choice.
3.Tennessee 24
Florida 17.The last time this game
mattered Justin Bieber was still in a training bra.Both these teams think they’re hot shit again
after beating Texas A&M and NC State.In reality, the only reward for the winner of this game is that their
dreams will crash harder when they actually do lose to a real team like UGA,
USC or LSU.
Real Talk Moment of the Week:
It’s taken two weeks but the Mustang has made a conclusion
sure to send shockwaves through the college football universe.Samantha Steele is finer than Erin
Andrews.Yeah I said it, and if you are
a live mofo like me then all your saying right now is “mmmhmm”.Let’s run through this.Erin would get a back blown out by Mustang no
doubt, but she just tries too damn hard for a girl of her aesthetic talents.To me, there ain’t nothing sexier than a
woman that is fine as hell, but doesn’t have to work one damn extra second to
make it known.She doesn’t need a leaked
sextape, she doesn’t need to bang David Wright, and she doesn’t need to dance
on some wack ass TV show for us to think she’s fine.And that is the big difference between Erin
and Samantha Steele.Erin needed to do
all that, while all Samantha has to do is put on a cute little sundress, show
off them FINE ass legs, and tell the world that she’s sexy as fuck without any
words being required.That’s real.And this has been real talk.
With that, I’m off to try and find women with low morals,
and even lower standards.Until next
week, Mustang’s telling you to enjoy the games, and of course, enjoy the
ladies.
As my girlfriend can attest I am probably one of the coolest any of the people reading this will ever meet. It is in this vein of coolness that I offer you fantasy football advice. Yes, the Chocolate Puma, the man who has been a runner up in 3 out of 25 fantasy leagues is willing to impart some of his wisdom. You’re welcome!
Quarterbacks:
1. Aaron Rodgers: Green Bay
It pains me to
put this guy as the top quarterback in fantasy but I got to. This guy
was downright ridiculous last year throwing for over 4,600 yards, 45
touchdowns and also ran for over 250 yards and 3 touchdowns on the
ground.
2. Drew Brees: New Orleans
Brees is kind of a bum, I mean he only threw for 5,400 yards, 46 touchdown passes, and had a passer rating of over 110. Yeah.
3. Tom Brady: New England
Yeah...this guy is an elite quarterback
Another person it pains me to put on this list but damn it Brady always burns me when I bet against him. Threw for 5,200 yards, 39 touchdowns and he has Rob Gronkowski, Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez. Not some bad options.
Running Backs:
1. Ray Rice: Baltimore
Many people don’t realize the monster season he had last year but oh I did. Rushing for over 1,300 yards had over 700 yards receiving and a total of 15 touchdowns. Not bad.
2. Arian Foster: Houston
In only 13 games last year he racked up over 1,900 total yards and scored 12 touchdowns. Given Houston’s run heavy game plan he would be a very wise pick up.
3. Matt Forte: Chicago
Since coming into the league I would argue he has been the most versatile back in the league. Given how terrible our O-Line is here in Chicago he has also become a very capable receiver. Expect his receptions to drop but yards to pick up as the Bears now have a legitimate # 1 receiver.
Wide Receivers:
1. Calvin Johnson: Detroit
Why? Because he’s Megatron, that’s why.
2. Larry Fitzgerald: Arizona
Arguably the best receiver in the game when he has a quarterback who can get him the ball and a top 3 when he doesn’t. No one in the league can drag their toes on that sideline throw like Young Mr. Fitz.
3. Wes Welker: New England
A quality receiver in a pass first offense that had 122 catches last season. Even if he has a little drop off he is still a 100 reception receiver.
Tight Ends:
1. Rob Gronkowski: New England
Holy hell did the Gronk put it together last season. And with the lack of a running game in New England expect the numbers to continue to rise, maybe not 18 touchdowns but receptions and yardage definitely.
2. Jimmy Graham: New Orleans
Everything I said about Gronkowski could easily apply here as well. Led the league with 149 targets last year so expect that to continue and Graham had six catches, 75 yards and/or one touchdown 14 times—tops among all NFL tight ends.
3. Vernon Davis: San Francisco
"It's an honor to be in the Chocolate Puma's Top 3!!!"
Seven times last season he had six catches, 75 yards and/or one touchdown. Not to mention being the only red zone target essentially for Alex Smith he is always a viable candidate. I am sure Randy Moss will cut into that a little bit but not so much he slides out my top 3.
Team Defenses:
1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Houston Texans
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Well gang follow this advice and maybe one day you too can be a runner up in a fantasy football league once every 8 leagues. Man is my lady friend lucky.
Anybody who knows the Chocolate Puma can attest to and also
mock the fact that I am a huge professional wrestling fan.So if you are not a fan, don’t want to read
about it, or feel the need to tell me incessantly that it’s fake then stop
reading now. Alright, still here? Good.Professional wrestling is like a play in a sense and the finale of said
play is when the wrestler has applied or completed his finisher. Outside of one
time putting my friend in a sharpshooter after baseball practice I can’t say I
have too much experience performing a finisher but alas I shall give you my
unsolicited list of my favorite finishers.
Honorable Mention:
JBL: Clothesline from Hell
Nothing scientific about this one, pure power and looks like
it could literally decapitate a man.
The Dudley Boyz: 3D
Sue me, I am putting a tag team on here it’s my list. When
the tables were brought out especially you knew the Dudley Death Drop was not
far behind.
Drew McIntyre: Future Shock DDT
Even though he appears to have gone from the chosen one to
feuding with Seth Rollins on the newest incarnation of NXT one thing can’t be
denied, his finisher is effective.
5.Legion of Doom: Doomsday Device
Without question the coolest tag team finisher in my opinion.
The flip their victim usually had off the shoulders just made this move look so
devastating.
4. Macho Man Randy
Savage: Elbow Drop
It’s like a thing of beauty.
3. Mike Awesome: The Awesome Bomb
Before going to WCW and being completely ruined, Mike Awesome
was a powerbombing beast in ECW. The crème de la crème of all his variations
was the Awesome Bomb.
2.Bret Hart: The
Sharpshooter
I was going to avoid submission holds but Bret Hart was
probably one of my two or three favorite wrestlers growing up so he had to be included
on this list. Not to mention my expert recreation of the move which I mentioned
earlier.
And now my favorite finisher of all time, a move, that
struck so quick that you were running to your VCR to see it again.
1.Diamond Dallas
Page: The Diamond Cutter
Yes Randy Orton calls it the RKO and “Mr. Excitement” John
Lauranitis called it the Ace Crusher back in the day but when I was coming up
the Diamond Cutter was the move du jour. Paired with the unpredictable nature
of DDP and it was a match made in heaven.
Well this has been a fun trip down memory lane, till next time, Puma is out.
I don’t really have any one topic that I am so incensed
about that a blog post is going to roll out of me. I do however have a lot of
mundane opinions about things that people did not ask to hear.You’re welcome.
·
I hate election season. I hate it with the white
hot fire of a million suns. What I dislike the most is how the candidates, no
matter the office, no matter the party, this idea of everyone trying to be seen
as just someone you’d want to drink with. Let me be clear, I do not want to
vote for someone I drink with. Because the people I drink with we don’t come up
with ideas to save a nation, we discuss whether passing tankers are filled with
nacho cheese.
The Olympics have totally consumed me. Gabby
Douglas winning was huge, seeing Phelps top his career was great but for me the
Olympics is all about the track and field events and boy did they not
disappoint. Specifically the entire field of the men’s 100 meter final. I mean
Tyson Gay ran a 9.8 and he finished 4th. Historically 82 men have
run worse than that and won. He finished 4th. This was the greatest
100 meter field ever.
Well damn France.
Au Revoir bitch!
The dopeness of this kr3w watch cannot even be
expressed through words.
Randy Travis got what is basically the unicorn
of all DUIs. Yes the naked, crashed in a tree kind. Somehow I bet this is still
hip-hop’s fault.
So excited for the start of the NFL season. The Bears are in a stacked division but I believe in our team finishing 16-0. I never said I was logical when it came to the Bears. In all honesty I see Cutler making that step to the next level with weapons that finally match his skill set. Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, Earl Bennett joining a talented backfield with (a happy) Matt Forte and Michael Bush should lead to a sight we're not used to in the city of wind.
Well it has been a long time since the Puma of Chocolate persuasion
has graced your presence. No need to worry I am here and ready to give you the
unsolicited opinion that you asked for! I’ve noticed some things recently that have
troubled me. Granted it’s not a new phenomenon but it is something that just
has gotten under my skin more than I am used to. This is a highly sensitive
subject, but I feel like it has to be said.
This all started when my sister posted a quote from Cory
Booker which in itself was not a bad quote. “Before you speak to me about your
religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people. Before you tell me
how much you love your God, show me in how much you love all his children.” When I saw that quote it struck me as “hey
don’t speak about it, be about it.” You know basically words are cheap, actions
are everything. Not a bad sentiment? But like most things on facebook things
appear to have been misunderstood and twisted. This quote was taken as an
apparent attack on Christianity.
Apparently because other people practice a different belief,
they can’t be a child of God. That’s
fine if you believe that, but I think the point of the quote isn’t that
everyone is a child of God; the point of the quote is to be a good person. Don’t
talk a big game about what one should do, just go and do it. It also strikes me
as kinda being intolerant. I don’t claim
to be a theological scholar, but just because someone has a different belief
system than me I don’t think I am supposed to show them less respect than someone
who shares my beliefs.
Most times the people who argue this point claim to live
exactly by the bible yet they have no beards (Leviticus
19:27), they don’t leave their wives or girlfriends when menstruating (Leviticus
15: 19) and many other things I could go into. The point of this is probably
going to be missed, but it would be nice to just live by the golden rule. “Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
My grandmother always stressed to me that I am to love my
fellow man regardless of their beliefs and leave the judging to the Almighty, or
as she put it “if it doesn’t come out in the wash, it will definitely come out
in the rinse.”
