Thursday, September 20, 2012

An Open Letter To Lupe Fiasco

Dear Lupe Fiasco,
Hi Lupe, gotta say I am a big fan of your music sir. “Food and Liquor” was an album that my college neighbors can attest to was always playing in my apartment.  And don’t get me started on the follow up. Sweet mercy, the Puma to this day has been known to get hype to a little “Go Go Gadget Flow.” The work your foundation does here in the city is nothing short of amazing and I can tell you truly do love Chicago and the youth in it as evidenced by your interaction with the *ahem* “eloquent” Chief Keef.  That is why I was so disheartened when I read your latest comments on the subject of voting. 

“Let me heal from the wounds of 400 yrs of institutionalized agony and destruction first then maybe I'll think about voting.” I don’t even know where to begin with this misguided belief of yours. People literally have fought and died for your right to engage in a civic duty of any democracy.  You see whether you agree with the candidates or not, it’s my personal opinions that you owe it to your ancestors, to those who have walked the path before us to vote. I remember growing up hearing stories from my grandmother about that time. She told me about how she and my grandfather had to PAY and take a test to prove they were indeed worthy of the right to vote.  On my 18th birthday, there was an immense sense of pride as I registered to vote and got my voter registration card, a sense of pride I’m guessing you are unfamiliar with.

And how pray tell do you plan on healing “the wounds of 400 yrs of institutionalized agony and destruction”? By releasing some positive rap mix tapes? By staying at home and tweeting self righteously how people like me aren’t as socially aware as people like you?

Well Lupe, let me tell you this, you have no right to complain about society and government if you’re not doing the most basic of civic duties. There are more than just presidential elections but apparently you’re too busy “healing” to vote for local leaders which have more of a day to day impact on the communities you claim to love so.  So Lupe, next time you proclaim a President to be a terrorist or complain about a broken system, ask yourself what you did to make it better.

-The Chocolate Puma

Friday, September 14, 2012

A Very Special Puma Posting

It’s been a long time fans of the Puma, and I shouldn’t have left you without some ridiculousness to…you know read or whatever. Yes folks it’s been almost a month since you got to take deep breaths and bask in my awesome glowing glow. I’m gonna keep it short because young Puma has a pleasant surprise for all of you.

· I wonder where all those NHL fans are that last season were so eager to criticize NBA players not realizing that they were in the same position? Are they “thugs” who don’t realize how lucky they are to play a game?

· Speaking of strikes, when did it become cool to demonize teachers? Who’s getting picked on next, nurses? Librarians? Jeez.

· Chris Brown…word? A tattoo of a battered woman? Word?
Stay classy buddy.

 · Jonathan Vilma appears to have been vindicated in the witch hunt brought against him in the Saints bounty scandal. From the get go he claimed there was no evidence against him and if there was any proof present it.

· Few things bring me as much joy as Stage Plank cookies which were happily sent to me by my big sister. She knows her brother well.
Pure Bliss.
· Brian Scalabrine…the NBA will miss you.

I think I have given you enough of a small dose to introduce to you a man who is a legend in his own right. A man great enough to go toe to toe with the Puma on numerous occasions, the Kornheiser to my Wilbon and my comedic foil for well about a decade at this point. You know him as the Wee Man, I refer to him as the first guest contributor ever to grace the pages of the Chocolate Puma’s lair, the foremost authority on college football that I personally know…

Wait a second, that’s, THAT’S MUSTANG DYNAMITE’S MUSIC!!!!!!

Bitches and Gentlemen, my name is Mustang Dynamite.  My father above in heaven put me on Earth for two reasons: to please a willing lady and to spread knowledge about college football.  Now while the former will forever be at the heart of the matter, I will abstain from that endeavor for the moment and distill knowledge concerning the latter. 

We are now entering the third week of the college football season, and if you are wondering why Mustang’s knowledge dispensation seems to be two weeks late, well, that’s just because a certain Kate Upton is also two weeks late, if ya follow.  So far, 2012 has been a validation of all we have learned about college football in the last 5 years, that the Big 10 (11,12)  sucks ass, the SEC plays mean defense and that if you unnecessarily wear new uniforms from Nike you will succeed in looking like radioactive ass water.   With that in mind, Mustang is going make three observations from what he’s seen so far, offer predictions for the big games of the week, and give you a real talk moment of the week to wrap things up before the shift change takes place at the Ranch.

3 Real Things:
1.  The Big 10 is a damn farce.  Once upon a time it was the premier conference in the nation.  Then the SEC tore its ass up with a combination of grits, golds and speed.  After that, the Big 10 hung to the quaint notion that despite getting its ass rocked with swiss watch regularity; they still held a moral superiority over their southeastern mongol conquerors.  Well that went away as fast as a JoePa heartbeat (or lack thereof).  Now they are nothing more than the Big East with colder winters, fatter women, and more embarrassing bowl results.
2.  The only thing dumber than preseason polls are preseason Heisman predictions.  I mostly say this because somehow people think Landry Jones is still a candidate, let alone a good football player.  Until these top guys actually play a quality opponent, they haven’t proven shit to Mustang.  Lets see Barkley beat Stanford for the first time in his life, or Geno Smith beat something better than a Herd.  With that said, the three most impressive players in Mustang’s eyes have been LeVeon Bell from Michigan State, Jarvis Jones from Georgia, and DeAnthony Thomas from Oregon.
3.  I’m just going to get this out of the way now so you won’t have to hear me bitch about it all season, but just like sexual predators shouldn’t be allowed near children, Matt Millen shouldn’t be allowed near a football stadium and a microphone.  This fat piece of wide receiver drafting shit is so proudly dumb and wrong at all times that I really think he’s a Fox News analyst pretending to know about sports.  Why anyone thinks his opinion is valid after what he did in Detroit is all the proof you need that this world is a motherfucker.

3 Real Predictions:
Every week Mustang will make predictions for three big games that weekend.  Consider this knowledge to be an early Christmas present
1.  Michigan State 38 Notre Dame 16.  Notre Dame thinks they’re good.  Michigan State knows they’re good.  State struggled with Boise, but Boise has much better coaching than the Irish.  Sparty wins and Sparty riots.
2.  Alabama 41 Arkansas 13.  Arkansas was fucked as soon as Petrino got on that motorcycle in regards to this game.  (Note to Petrino, instead of driving your side ass around town like a goddamned homecoming queen, just slay the bitch and give her cab fare for the ride back to her husband).  They replaced him with John L Smith, who is only good at creating dumb and undisciplined teams.  This is the exact opposite of what Nick Saban does at Alabama.  Easy choice.
3.  Tennessee 24 Florida 17.  The last time this game mattered Justin Bieber was still in a training bra.  Both these teams think they’re hot shit again after beating Texas A&M and NC State.  In reality, the only reward for the winner of this game is that their dreams will crash harder when they actually do lose to a real team like UGA, USC or LSU.  

Real Talk Moment of the Week:
It’s taken two weeks but the Mustang has made a conclusion sure to send shockwaves through the college football universe.  Samantha Steele is finer than Erin Andrews.  Yeah I said it, and if you are a live mofo like me then all your saying right now is “mmmhmm”.  Let’s run through this.  Erin would get a back blown out by Mustang no doubt, but she just tries too damn hard for a girl of her aesthetic talents.  To me, there ain’t nothing sexier than a woman that is fine as hell, but doesn’t have to work one damn extra second to make it known.  She doesn’t need a leaked sextape, she doesn’t need to bang David Wright, and she doesn’t need to dance on some wack ass TV show for us to think she’s fine.  And that is the big difference between Erin and Samantha Steele.  Erin needed to do all that, while all Samantha has to do is put on a cute little sundress, show off them FINE ass legs, and tell the world that she’s sexy as fuck without any words being required.  That’s real.  And this has been real talk.

With that, I’m off to try and find women with low morals, and even lower standards.  Until next week, Mustang’s telling you to enjoy the games, and of course, enjoy the ladies.