Friday, July 29, 2016

The Chocolate Puma Presents... Hating on People.

A while back a good friend of mine suggested I devote time on the old Puma blog here to hate on some deserving ass clowns. I took him up on that suggestion and I have to say it was one of my most fun posts of the year given the continuing awfulness that 2016 has continued to dish out. Seriously 2016, knock it off. It is in this spirit that two of the most deserving candidates ever drew my ire. I’m looking at you Steve King and Bill O’Reilly. So without further ado, I present my second installment in a hopefully long running series, The Chocolate Puma Hating on People. 

First up to the plate, Steve King! Yes the “distinguished” congressman from Iowa decided his normal brand of coded racism was just too hard and decided to just flat out throw all his racism cards on the table.
Asking a clearly shocked panel at the RNC what have any other “subculture” contributed to society. In the words of the great Dan Ackroyd I say to you Steve you ignorant slut. I’m not gonna teach you… but I am going to roast you. You look like Dennis Hopper if he got hit in the face with a sack of pennies. You have the hybrid personality of a sack of corn meal and Boss Hogg. You xenophobic bag of douche, your positions on even the most compassionate bills is deplorable. Who the hell votes against aid to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Well what else would you expect from a jackass who proudly displays a confederate flag despite being from Iowa which is not a southern state. Basically he is almost as awful as Taylor Swift.

Now let’s roll on to the headliner in this parade of assclowns.
Bill O’Reilly recently took time out of his day from being a pompous blowhard to declare that slavery wasn’t all that bad. He seriously said that slaves were “well fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government.” When I heard this I gave him the finger so hard that I may have sprained my hand. Bill O’Reilly you unimaginative dick bag. You make Brian Williams look like freaking Walter Cronkite.  I would rather sit through an amateur acoustic set of Nickelback’s greatest hits rather than hear you say word one on anything. Seeing you on television regularly offends all of my senses. If you can take five minutes to stop sexually harassing women maybe you can learn how to be a somewhat decent human you screaming sack of elephant crap that looks like a damn big toe.

Whew! I am so glad I was able to get that off my chest. It’s a lot of people I’d like to ruthlessly mock. Donald Trump probably could get another post but for now I’ll bid you all adieu. It’s national chicken wing day and a Puma is going to DESTROY some buffalo wings.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

A Scheduled Break From The Pain of 2016

2016 for the most part has been an unrelenting garbage fire which has caused me much rage, anguish, sadness and any other negative emotion that can be attached to any given year. I have sat down and in my drafts folder there sits no more the five expletive laden pieces that should probably breathe a bit before I’m comfortable posting them. In lieu of posting something that idiots will call divisive I am going to do more of a self-care piece and if you disagree then I will physically fight you!  Today I present to you, my favorite tv characters of all time.

5. Roger the Alien: American Dad
You’d be hard pressed to find a more ridiculous and evil character than Roger. With his costumes and many personas the highlight of any episode of American Dad is the extra-terrestrial who resides in the Smith family attic. From dastardly personas such as Ricky Spanish to flat out being evil and sacrificing someone else to a life of space imprisonment he can truly be the worst. But he can do this:

4.  Rick Sanchez: Rick and Morty

The perpetually drunk grandfather of two who just happens to be a genius that has mastered interstellar space travel is indeed an awful man. He does have his moments where he shows some love for his family but for the most part his insults flow like the liquor from his never ending flask.

3.  Phil Coulson: Agents of Shield
 Don’t get all nitpicky and talk about how he’s a character from the movies, I know that. But for the purpose of my list he’s a tv character so suck it. The heart and soul of the Marvel universe, Coulson is currently the head of SHIELD and he is expertly played by Clark Gregg. Seriously, I defy you to find an actor better suited for this role on tv right now.He expertly is able to toe the line between being the authoritative voice his team needs without becoming the douchebag boss that everyone hates.

2. Bunk Moreland: The Wire
This strictly suit and tie wearing detective from Baltimore was a consistent and might I add hilarious voice of reason. Wendell Pierce absolutely nails the role. Not to mention he is arguably the most quotable character on a very quotable show. For all the funny he provided he also like the number one man on our list had a code, a sense of honor that was quite admirable in a shitshow of a police department. How he dressed down Omar after seeing children pretending to be the stick up man may be my favorite Bunk moment.

"As rough as that neighborhood could be, we had us a community. Nobody, no victim, who didn't matter. And now all we got is bodies, and predatory motherfuckers like you. And out where that girl fell, I saw kids acting like Omar, calling you by name, glorifying your ass. Makes me sick, motherfucker, how far we done fell. "   

Or this one:

1. Omar: The Wire 
And now we have arrived at my favorite tv character of all time. The notorious stick up man from The Wire.  Arguably the most badass character on the show, he was also nuanced. Someone entrenched in the street life of being feared by all who saw him, but also openly gay. A man willing to kill if need be but went to church with his grandmother once a month. Check out his showdown with Brother Mouzone and tell me I'm wrong to have him at the top of my list.

Well there you have it. Enjoy this lighthearted trip into my favorite tv characters as I am sure something trash is on the horizon to anger me and post on of my profanity laced tirades that will inevitably get me a call from my mother to watch my mouth.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

On Kevin Durant and the Free Agency Boom

NBA free agency is in full swing and players are getting more money than ever before. In the midst of this Kevin Durant decided to (take less money and) sign with the Golden State Warriors and people’s reaction to his move has revealed something to me Many of the people who are mad at Kevin Durant are suckers. That’s right; most of the people mad at Kevin Durant are suckers. If that happens to be you I hate to be the one to break the news to you but the first step in correcting this suckerific behavior is admitting you have a problem. 

There have been so many people railing against the NBA because well “hockey and football are way more dangerous and that’s why they should get more.” 
I wish my player's union negotiated a fairer deal...
Ok...well why don’t those players take this up with their respective players unions.  The reason that the player’s contracts are spiking to such a degree is that the NBA owners are receiving 24 billion dollars from ESPN and TNT. Given that no one goes to games to see the owners then logically shouldn’t the working force of the NBA get rewarded as well?The player's union recognized this and argued for this, thus hey are getting their reward.

But the main point of this is regarding the man who refers to himself as “The Servant” but I refer to him as "The Durantula." Many are railing against his move to the rival Warriors as if he owed the Thunder something. I’m sorry did he fulfill his contractual obligations? Did he listen to offers as is his negotiated right that the owners agreed to? Did he make a personal decision to change where he worked? Then what’s the problem? 
Burning his jersey? Now why would he ever leave this heavenly paradise?
And I understand if you are a fan of the Thunder and are disappointed, you can be disappointed, but don’t act like you own the man and he hasn’t help put your team on the map.

If the argument is guys in this generation would rather team up, my reply is when haven’t great players tried to team up? The only difference is that now players have more control over their career than they ever have before. To us, this is a game but to these athletes this is their job, their profession, their career. And if after fulfilling you obligation to your employer you feel it’s better to go and try to achieve the ultimate goal of winning the championship elsewhere then more power to you. 

Older players are also annoying the hell out of me on this one. Guys like Charles Barkley saying it's weak to go to another team and he 's "cheating to win a title." Was it cheating when you demanded trades twice in your career to better teams?
I would never join a loaded team!
"The best thing about it would be getting the chance to play with Hakeem Olajuwon and Clyde Drexler. We would be very formidable." Comes off a touch hypocritical for now it to be a problem when you're not the one chasing the title. 

We're not seeing anything now that hasn't happened before, the only difference is players have more control over their career. Now if you're mad for reasons other than your team losing a player, what are you really mad at?