Wednesday, January 31, 2018

January 2018 Sit Yo Ass Down Award

A new calendar year and a whole new crop of ass clowns for me to verbally berate. And biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch there were no shortage of candidates this month for me to tell to grab a lazy boy and relieve them of their standing duties. So without further ado, I give you the first winner of the Sit Yo Ass Down Award for 2018...whoever made this ashy ass meme!
This is the dumbest shit I ever seen.
Put your alkaline water down and get your hotep ass up here so you can sit your ass down!

Now full disclosure, since I have been a small child Black Panther was my favorite superhero. So when I found out that he was going to actually be in a movie, then get his own franchise let's just say I was a little excited. As soon as it was announced however I knew that we were going to be hit with shit like this. One of the things that has always annoyed me when a black audience likes something, some fake deep ass clown has to come in and throw his wet kufi around and ruin the fun. The same thing happened with Empire a few years ago. You got black people partying on twitter and then you see dumb ass sayings like "While you were watching Empire, I was building mine." Well good for you skippy. I'm about to chill for one hour and watch Terrance Howard overact and say "mayne" a lot.
So you just gonna make fun of me mayne?
So to you, my too woke, melanted buzkill I invite you to have all the seats. Just because we (yes I have opening night tickets) are taking a break from our black ass lives to see a black ass movie does not in any way hinder black people nor does it make you better because your grandma wouldn't give you $15 to see the movie. So retreat to Big Mama basement, grab some shea butter to ease the ashiness that is infecting you and remember...

Friday, January 26, 2018

Royal Rumble Preview

The annual battle royal centered show is upon us once again and your boy could not be more excited. Why? Because I love the hell out of some battle royals. So in keeping with my goal of giving you, the loyal readers a preview of the upcoming Royal Rumble event.

Benjamin and Gable VS The Usos (Smackown Tag Team Championship)
Since turning heel and becoming the wardens of the Uso penitentiary, this former generic ass tag team has become my favorite act. While this new team of Shelton Benjamin and Chad Gable are basically American Alpha 2.0 I have enjoyed them. Particularly Chad Gable.
The things this diminutive grappler can do are just ridiculous. And given that the Usos have had a pretty lengthy run already I think that the time to make a change could be upon and the tag titles will finally be released from the Uso Penitentiary in this 2 out of 3 fall affair.
Winners: Gable and Benjamin

Sheamus and Cesaro vs Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan (Raw Tag Team Championship)
I think this could be the hardest one to predict all card. On the one hand it would be cool to see Jordan go full heel and attack Rollins if they lose.
On the other hand this smarmy and self entitled thing he has going now is pretty clutch. IF the rumors are true about the health of Sheamus then time off is definitely warranted. I would expect Rollins and Jordan to retain and the teasing of the full heel turn by Jordan shall continue.
Winners: Rollins and Jordan

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn vs AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
AJ Styles is one of the nest wrestlers in the world. The same can be said of Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. Yet this feud has seemed....meh. Mainly because the focus has really been on Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan.
The biggest heel in the WWE right now is Shane McMahon. I know he's the face but dear lord he's been a dick and frankly I groan whenever he is on the tv. That being said I think we'll see a very good match but in the end AJ Styles is going to retain and hopefully, this leads to a date with Nakamura at Wrestlemania but I'll even take them going against each other at Fast Lane if it ends this feud.
Winner: AJ Styles

Kane vs Braun Strowman vs Brock Lesnar (WWE Universal Championship)
This is gonna be the who the hell cares match on this card. Kane has spent the last few years either in a tag team or administrative role and now he's a monster again. Braun Strowman is the most over guy in the match and the WWE just won't listen to the crowd.
And Brock, well when he wants to he can have an amazing match (See: Samoa Joe vs Brock Lesnar) but it seems that for the most part he's just mailing it in. I expect Braun to be a monster and get the crowd behind him even more, Kane will eat the pin and Lesnar will get the win to go on and lose to Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

Women's Royal Rumble:
This is gonna be hard to predict given we don't know who all is in it. I would expect some NXT women to get some shine like the Iconic Duo and Ember Moon, possibly even Shayna Bayzler but that would just be to get the ball rolling on whatever they decide to do with Ronda Rousey. Some of the main roster women that should be in contention would be of course Asuka, Nia Jaxx, Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch, but the real one I am excited to see is Naomi. She is ridiculously athletic and some the spots she should be able to pull off will be amazing. In the end I expect it to come down to Becky, Sasha and Asuka. After the way Raw ended with Asuka standing tall I feel she's made more than a few enemies and that will be her downfall as the the Lass Kicker shall sneak a victory in.
Winner: Becky Lynch

Men's Royal Rumble:
We know we'll get a few legends in there, a few NXT call ups but unfortunately this thing is being telegraphed from a mile away how it's gonna end up. I think we can expect ad awesome spot from Kofi Kingston (past spots have included a handstand to avoid elimination and using an announce chair as a pogo stick).
Fly Kofi fly!
I think Baron Corbin is going to be showcased as a monster, we can epect some bog things from Fin Balor as I expect him to be in for one of the longest times to help establish him and the Balor Club. But as soon as Roman Reigns lost the Intercontinental Championship it was a foregone conclusion that he was winning the Royal Rumble. And thus we begin another season of "Hey isn't Roman awesome."
Roman Wins LOL
Winner: Roman Reigns

Well there you have it. Will any of these be correct? Probably not. But I watch far too much wrestling to not give you all my unsolicited opinion.

NXT Takeover Philadelphia Preview

While the proverbial main event of the weekend is going to the Royal Rumble on Sunday, Saturday is where the smarks shall have their best time. While we may not know how the event on Sunday plays out, the consistent greatness of the Takeover shows should have us all excited. And with the light card the matches should all get a chance to shine.

The Authors of Pain VS The Undisputed Era (NXT Tag Team Championship)
This one is interesting. I think a case can be made for either team to pick up the titles but if I'm booking this the Undisputed Era go over. At this point the Authors of Pain have done everything they can in NXT. It is probably past time to move them up and let them run wild. I like how in the recent weeks their manager Paul Ellering has kind moved to the background and Akam and Rezar have been allowed to speak more. While the AOP has to look good it can't be at the expense of the Undisputed Era. I think it will be a close one but in the end, I expect their speed to give them an impressive win.
Side-note: I have really begun to enjoy the smarmy assholeness that Bobby Fish portrays. More Fish please!
Winners: Undisputed Era

Shayna Bayzler VS Ember Moon (NXT Women's Championship)
Ember Moon finally climbed to the top of the mountain and won the title. Bayzler was a force of dominance in the Mae Young Classic so we knew it was gonna be only a matter of time before they met. I didn't think it would be this soon but I'm not arguing. Ember Moon is one of the most talented women on the roster so I imagine her technical prowess will be played up against the MMA experience of Bayzler.
This is...impressive.
Given that she has had only one title defense so far I would think that she wouldn't lose right away but Bayzler has to look strong. I think this one ends with Moon on top but in a very close, possible roll up or cradle fashion.
Winner: Ember Moon

Aleister Black VS Adam Cole (Extreme Rules Match)
Aleister Black has been one of the most over acts since he arrived in NXT. Adam Cole is one of the best wrestlers in the world and is leading a stable which if done correctly could run NXT until the time for them to be called up. Given that his cohorts will have been put through war earlier in the evening I expect this to be a pretty even affair, but if you are ever gonna have the ERA take over Adam Cole has got to get a win by any means necessary but do it in a fashion as to not bury the cache that Black has built up.
Winner: Adam Cole...BAY BAY! 

Johnny Gargano VS Andrade 'Cien' Almas (NXT Championship)
This one is kind of hard to predict but I am gonna do it anyway. Given that Gargano only got the slot to compete for the 4 way that gave us a number one contender due to injury I don't think he's gonna get the win. That being said this is going to be an amazing match and it could lead to one of the biggest matches of Wrestlemania weekend if this is played right.
I think we'll see the return of the Psycho Killer himself, Tommaso Ciampa who hasn't been seen since telling off the NXT universe. I don't think he gets physically involved but I do think that he will make his presence known and it will be enough of a distraction to further the Johnny can't win the big one narrative.
El Idolo keepin' it tranquilo.
And it can free up Almas to take on someone who is next up as a top babyface like Roddy Strong.
Winner: Almas

There we have it. Another Takeover in the books. Join me next time, same Puma channel, same Puma time.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The NCAA: A Bubbling Cauldron of Hypocrisy

After watching Monday's national championship game I was just in awe of the spectacle that I had just witnessed. I was in awe of the athletic display those young men put on. I was also in awe of the compelling on the field story told. Then...I got disgusted.

I got disgusted because as the confetti started to fall the announcers mentioned the bonuses the coaches would all receive.
I'm rich bitch!
In total the coaches of the Crimson Tide received 1.27 million dollars in bonuses. This is on top of their yearly salary which in total tops 17.1 million dollars.

Now what bonuses will the guys like say Anfernee Jennings get? Who is that you may ask? He's the young man who celebrated from a wheelchair on the sideline during the national championship game.

What's his bonus? Why that would be the experience of being on the sideline and a year's worth of tuition because players can be dropped from scholarship at any moment. That's it. Now luckily it appears Jennings will make a full recovery. But for his sacrifice and literally putting his body on the line he gets to go to class and I'm not knocking that, but it seems to me when the University of Alabama made almost 100 million dollars during their 2015 championship season, if the cost of their education is considered their salary, holy hell you're paying these guys slave wages.

Now not to pick on the Crimson Tide, but since they just won a national title I'll use them as an example.Yearly cost for out of state students at the University of Alabama with room, board, and tuition is roughly $45,000. During the 2015 season it was estimated that the net market value of each player on that team was $545,000.
This doesn't even take into account if a player gets hurt while wearing the school colors. If a player is hurt with a long term injury such as a spinal injury or worse the long term effects from multiple concussions, who would pay for the medical treatments? The school you would think right? WRONG! NCAA member institutions are not required to provide long-term care for athletes who have exhausted their eligibility, graduated, or are no longer enrolled. So get a spinal injury and can't continue on? Well thanks for your service and we wish you the best. Seriously read this piece on Stanley Doughty and not be filled with a rage of a thousand suns.

Do I have the answer on solving what to do for non revenue generating sports? No, but something has to be better for these young men. If you're a chemistry major and you're a teacher's assistant, you get a stipend for providing a service to the university. Hell if you're not gonna do that at least let them make money off their own name. As it stands now we may not know who the NCAA is looking out for, but we know for certain who they don't give a damn about the student athlete.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

New Japan Stars To Keep An Eye On

You know I said the first post of 2018 was going to be some inspirational post about how we all have a clean slate to change our lives in any way we see fit. Then Wrestle Kingdom 12 happened and I completely began nerding out again. So without further ado, I shall present to you 5 wrestlers whom I have never written about that the WWE would be fools not to at least attempt to sign.

5. Rocky Romero
Now I don't think he would be the best fit wrestling wise, but it would be awesome to have him come in as a manager. The guy is golden on the mic, and if need be can get a little physical. Side note, his train of clotheslines is downright hilarious to me given his short stature. He's been in the business quite a while so you know he has a ton of experience to share.

4.  Sanada
Formerly of TNA, Sanada went back to Japan and joined the ridiculously popular Los Ingobernobles de Japon faction. While he was somewhat succesful as a singles competitor now that he and EVIL are a tag team they won the Tag League tournament and at Wrestle Kingdom won the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Tiles. When he is in the ring he has a crispness to his moves and while it's not most important he has the look of a superstar.

3. Marty Scurll

The Villain Marty Scurll kinda jumped on everypne's radar when he won BOLA, the Battle of Los Angeles, a tournament by the independent promotion PWG.  Since then he has gone on to win the Ring of Honor TV Title, the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title and join the Bullet Club. His villain character is just interesting and in the ring he displays a ruthlessness that is at times cringeworthy.

2. "Switchblade"Jay White
The youngest person on the list Jay White is a name that is going to be very big and very soon. Trained the the famous New Japan dojo he has this anti-hero kind of vibe. Not a true babyface but he is definitely going to be too popular to be a true heel. It appears New Japan recognized this and has teamed him up with the Chaos faction which has some of the more true faces in the sport such as Will Ospreay and current champ Kazuchika Okada. Expect the Switchblade to have a path to the top similar to the ascent that Kenny Omega had when he joined the Bullet Club as the Cleaner.

1. Tetsuya Naito
Ah yes the top man who should be on the WWE radar is none other than the leader of Los Ingobernobles de Japon himself. The winner of the G1 Climax, former Intercontinental Champion, and the last person not named Okada to be the Heavyweight champ. He started in New Japan, the fans didn't seem to care about him. He left and came back as the man who believes in tranquilo. He doesn't care about anything really, he is just Naito.
Oh I just won the title? Eh.
He has gained so much popularity that if anyone is to dethrone Okada as the man at the top of the mountain it has to be Naito. He has a very diverse moveset and his entrance with the suit and the lucha mask is second to none. So hopefully sooner rather than later the WWE universe will be treated to the truly tranquilo Naito.

Well that's my list. I would be remiss if I didn't mention how in awe of Chris Jericho I am. The dude is 47 years old, goes to Japan, fights their MVP, and steals the show. The man has been doing this for over 28 years and still is bringing it. So in honor of that I shall leave you with my favorite promo of his career...THE MAN OF 1004 HOLDS!

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Clash of Champions Preview

Hot damn it's that time. Yes your favorite blog writing guy is going to do what you, the tens of readers hath begged upon him. Yes I shall break down all of the matches from the upcoming Clash of Champions pay per view and give you who in my humble opinion should win.  Without further ado I give you my predictions.

Breezango VS The Bludgeon Brothers
One of the biggest surprises during the brand split has been the popularity of Breezango and their weekly skits "The Fashion Files." What I loved is that it finally gives these two very competent wrestlers tv time and a chance to actually wrestle more than being a squash. However that is not what this match is going to be.

Luke Harper and Erick Rowan in their best War Machine from Ring of Honor cosplay gimmick they got going are being built as monsters. Unfortunately that means my very stylish boys are gonna have to do the J-O-B.
Winner: The Bludgeon Brothers

The Usos VS The New Day VS Shelton Benjamin & Chad Gable VS Rusev & Aiden English (Smackdown Tag Team Championships) a mess. Now it could either be a beautiful chaos or it could be a clunky confusion. My guess given those involved is that it will be beautiful chaos. The New Day and the Usos are the cream of the tag team crop. Gable and Benjamin are two of the best pure wrestlers out there. And Rusev and Aiden English have surprised everyone with their Rusev Day gimmick. I have absolutely no storyline idea as to who will win so I'm going with what I wish will happen but probably won't. Everyone...IT'S RUSEV DAY!
Winner: Rusev and Aiden English

Natalya VS Charlotte Flair (Lumberjack match for WWE Women's Championship)
The match itself is not in doubt. Charlotte is going to retain. The real question is how. This is a lumberjack match and something tells me this is going to be used as a vehicle to get the Riott squad over. If I had to take a guess, a fight will break out on the outside and somehow spill into the ring causing a disqualification and leaving Ruby Riott standing tall over the Women's Champ until Becky Lynch returns to run them off.
Winner: Charlotte (via shenanigans)

Bobby Roode VS Dolph Ziggler VS Baron Corbin (United States Championship)
Dolph Ziggler being added to this match tells me one thing, and that is Baron Corbin is going to lose the United States title.
Ziggler's main role in this match is going to make Roode and Corbin's offense look devastating as that man can sell his ass off and eat the pin from Bobby Roode to keep him looking strong because I'd imagine he is on his way to feuding for the World Title with AJ Styles until the Royal Rumble.

Winner: Bobby Roode

Jinder Mahal VS AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
They tried to add a swerve with the Singh brothers seemingly growing a backbone and vowing vengeance for months of shitty treatment by Mahal when he was champ. That...was a lie. So I'd imagine the Singhs will take some kind of insane bump that will make them look as though they are dying and AJ will have just enough time to hit a Phenomenal Forearm on Jinder and retain the title. I fully believe AJ will hold the title until at least Wrestlemania when we get the Nakamura-AJ match we have all been craving and Jinder shall drop to the upper midcard.
Winner: AJ Styles

Randy Orton & Shinuske Nakamura VS Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
This match is downright infuriating. First off we're supposed to cheer for Shane McMahon but in actuality he's been the biggest heel in this entire feud. Constantly seeking vengeance for something you got revenge for already just seems like a dick move. And kind of insinuating they should be fired is the dick bag cherry on Shane's shitty sundae.
That said I expect it to be a pretty good match as three of them are outstanding in the ring and Randy Orton ain't half bad either.  You can probably expect a pretty good match with Shane and Daniel Bryan finding themselves at odds. That being said there is no way Sami and Kevin lose this match and their kayfabe jobs. They'll be fine and the Kevin and Sami show will roll onward.
Winner: Owens and Zayn

There we have it. The next pay per view we get will be one of the big four, The Royal Rumble which will put us firmly on the road to Wrestlemania. I'll be here of course to give my opinion which will undoubtedly be wrong but I'll give it anyway. Be easy humanoids. 

Friday, December 15, 2017

2017 Sit Your Ass Down Grand Champion

Ah 2017, what a year it has been for trash individuals to get called out by yours truly. From Jason Whitlock to Bo Bice, one of my favorite parts of one of the more trash years in recent history has been my monthly ode to someone who should be having all of the seats. And now here we are, the end of the year and someone has to be the recipient of the Golden Lazy Boy.

Our Nominees are:
Jason Whitlock:
Every racist person's black friend has been on a roll this year putting his cape on to save both vaguely racist statements and really racist actions!

Steve Bisciotti
The owner of the Baltimore Ravens for admitting he'd let the opinion of racist fans deter him from signing Colin Kaepernick.

Bill Cosby 
Ol' Uncle pudding pop makes the finals specifically for the biggest jackasses in the world. So he may not have been able to NBC but he got that going for him.

and last but most certainly not least:
Mitch McConnell
Mr. McConnell before his makeup.
This turtle faced bastard is doing his damnedest to undo everything that Obama put into place during his presidency and is gonna drag us down at a faster than Tortoise pace to get this done.

And the winner...your 2017 Sit Your Ass Down Grand Champion is...

Bill get your (allegedly) blind ass up here so you can sit your ass down!

For years he used his position of power to harass, drug and sexually assault women. He did all this while simultaneously excoriating the black community for what he perceived to be the ills of said community. You hypocritical predatory blight on humanity, how dare you lecture anyone on anything besides schilling for Kodak film or slinging pudding pops in these streets. And now whenever someone is accused of sexual misconduct the same dumb ass meme floats around,  "Well when it was Bill Cosby..." First of all let me say this, fuck Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby ain't my daddy and I don't have to give him one iota of respect. He was a great stand up and made a tv show I liked, doesn't give him carte blanche to go out here dropping drugs into women's drinks etc and taking advantage of them.

And saying this was an example of the man trying to bring down a powerful black man....uh no. I'll buy that if you're talking about Colin Kaepernick, Craig Hodges or Mahmoud Abdoul Raouf but this respectability politics hustler? Please do me a favor.

So congratulations on being a completely horrible human being ol' Billy Barbiturates, your prize is hopefully a nice trip to prison and loss of your wealth but I doubt any of that happens.

Alright folks this wraps up a successful year of hating. I look forward to calling out the first jackass of 2018.