Monday, December 11, 2017

The 2nd Annual 2 Cold Scorpio Year End Awards of Excellence

Another year in the books so you know that means, time for the year end lists to begin rolling out. I like many lazy bloggers shall do what my predecessors before me did, give you my unsolicited opinion that you may or may not even remotely care about. Enjoy!

Rookie of the Year:
Velveteen Dream (NXT)
He came up on the show Tough Enough as well basically just a generic wrestler. After a few quick losses where his gimmick was seemingly guy who wears American flag pants he was reintroduced as "The Velveteen Dream" a crossover between Prince and Jimi Hendrix.
At first very meh, then he began hitting his stride striking the perfect balance of creepy and intense. Then came the feud with Aleister Black and holy shit buckets did it deliver. If you want to teach someone how to create a 2 month feud with the guys having zero matches, then watch Velveteen go to work. I worry about how this gimmick translates to the next level but for now, I get excited when his music hits. 

Most Improved Wrestler:
Cody Rhodes (ROH/NJPW)
Cody has always been a favorite of mine but it became clear during the end of his WWE run he was kind of over it. Not that he was mailing it in or anything but you could tell he wasn't that inspired. After leaving and joining the Bullet Club he reemerged from the ashes of malaise and was reborn as The American Nightmare, a play off his father the legendary Dusty Rhodes' gimmick of the American Dream. He has successfully led the US branch of the Bullet Club with the Young Bucks and even became ROH World Champion. Given their plan to have their own show in a 10,000 seat arena I would expect the star to only keep rising for the grandson of a plumber.

Best Heel:
Samoa Joe (WWE)
There are few things that get me as hyped as when the Samoan named Joe makes his way to the ring. First off when he speaks you believe that he is legit going to hurt you. Hell in his Ring of Honor days the chant the crowd had for him was "Joe's gonna kill you."

And when he is in the ring he has a mix of power and speed that is just awe inspiring. And when he locks in the Coquina Clutch...your night has decided to make an abrupt end. I would love a title run for this guy. Just give him a mic and get the hell out the way.

Best Face:
Dalton Castle (ROH)

A lot of people may not be familiar with the Party Peacock but I think when you watch him you will be enthralled. From the flashy entrance with the Boys to his how do you say unique in ring mannerisms there is no one you find your self rooting for harder. Also the stalling German suplex this former amateur grappler throws is absolute perfection.

Wrestler of the Year:
Kazuchika Okada (NJPW)
All hail the Rainmaker
The man has held the top title in the #2 promotion in the world for over a year. He put on classics with Kenny Omega, tore the house down with Minoru Suzuki and surprisingly even had an amazing feud with EVIL of Los Ingobernobles de Japon. The unquestioned ace of New Japan after finally defeating Tanahashi is still only 30 years old. Barring injury the man whopped the PWI top 500 list will be receiving honors like this for quite a while.

Top 3 Wrestlers to Look For in 2018:
3. Juice Robinson (NJPW)
The former CJ Parker in NXT has been reborn as Juice Robinson in Japan. And goofy name aside he has really begun to hit his stride. At first he was just another gaijin to take some pinfalls but now he has emerged as a fan favorite and even has found himself in a few high profile matches.
He even beat Puma favorite Kenny Omega in the G1 Climax tournament which is a very big deal. In 2018 I would not be shocked to see the dread wearing American capture the United States or Intercontinental Championship.

2. Aleister Black (NXT)
The former Tommy End made his debut and instantly solidified himself as a man who could easily be tearing it up on Monday Night Raw or Smackdown. A trained kick boxer he has strikes for days.
Black Mass!
His match with Hideo Itami at Takeover: Chicago was possibly the hardest hitting match of the year as those two gentlemen kicked the ever loving crap out of each other. I would not be shocked to see him use the Black Mass spinning heel kick to an NXT title and a main roster run sooner rather than later.

1. Keith Lee (Evolve) 
I really wasn't too familiar with Keith Lee beyond one appearance I saw of him on Ring of Honor TV.  After hearing about him on the twitter I decided to do a deep dive on Youtube and holy crap am I glad I did. From PWG to Evolve he went all over the country and he put on amazing matches.
If you really want to see a video game match check out his matches with Donovan Dijack, another huge man who does things in a ring people his size shouldn't be able to do. If he ever decides to make his way to WWE then I think we all bask in his glory.

Top 3 Matches of 2017:
3. Aleister Black VS Velveteen Dream (NXT Takeover: War Games)
This was a master class of building a story and having the payoff totally exceed all expectations. And while I love Black, the man who did the heavy lifting psychology wise and on the mic would be the Velveteen Dream. Holy crap did he come of age.

He toed the line of making his hyper sexual, obsessive weirdo character go too far and nailed what was needed to perfection. A feud based on having someone else say your name doesn't sound too hot on paper but son of a bitch it worked. And the end of the match where Black finally says his name lets me know that this feud is far from over and I am here for it. 

2. Pete Dunne VS Tyler Bate for UK Championship (NXT Takeover: Chicago)
Coming into this match I didn't know what to expect but on a stacked Chicago card these two UK natives went out there and completely obliterated the show. Tyler Bate the mustachioed champion came in against the Bruiserweight Pete Dunne.
What they put on was an amazing display of hard hitting, high flying gloriousness. And to make it all even better was the match was called by the legendary Jim Ross which just elevated it even more. I look forward to many more years of these two gentlemen tearing it up.

1. Kenny Omega VS Kazuchika Okada  (Wrestle Kingdom 11)
Wow. I mean I could stop right there, but then you wouldn't get my amazing opinion now would you? This was the second of their trilogy and man this 60 minute draw was everything that it was billed to be. From Okada's magnetism to the athleticism and power of Kenny Omega this match was outstanding. It even got over 6 stars on Dave Meltzer's five star scale. While the series is knotted up with a win a piece you know they're going to run it back and if it's half as good as this we should be lucky.

There you have it folks. My opinion on the highs of the professional world for the calendar year 2017. I watched way more wrestling than a man with an infant should but I do this for you. The tens of readers.  

Keep it sleazy folks, I'm out. 

Monday, November 27, 2017

November's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Ah yes it's that time once again. No not the time where I am in a post Thanksgiving come down phase and realize I really need to start working out. It is that time where I tell someone who has greatly offended my sensibilities to shut their ass up and have a seat. This month's recipient is a weird one as it actually wasn't something he did this month but something he did 10 years ago on this day actually.
This was in the Pro Bowl...on a punter.
You see it was 10 years ago today that the world lost every football fan's favorite player Sean Taylor. While at home there was a break in and a botched attempted robbery and he was killed protecting his family. Heroic right? Well to you and me maybe, but let this month's recipient tell it, not that heroic.

So without further ado, Colin Cowherd...I invite you to have a very special seat so you can shut the hell up.

I have a long list of grievances against Colin Cowherd, from saying John Wall could never be a leader because he grew up without a father and did the dougie before a game to his most egregious offense to date, employing Jason Whitlock. The news had barely broke and the prince of hot takes decided that now, while fans and teammates alike grieved for their fallen hero, that he was going to unleash this scorcher.
"Sean Taylor, great player has a history of really really bad judgment, really really bad judgment. Cops, assault, spitting, DUI. I’m supposed to believe his judgment got significantly better in two years, from horrible to fantastic?"

Pretty terrible thing to say given that no one even knew what happened. And even after he was proven wrong, and Taylor died at home, protecting his family in a completely random botched robbery attempt Cowherd said it was ok because his black boss didn't have a problem with it. Seriously. This is a thing that he said: “Now with the Sean Taylor thing, my superior, Mo Davenport, an African American, listened to it and had no problem with it."

He has in recent years stated his Taylor comments ranks highly among the list of regrets in his career. So I guess that's showing something but for me, and a lot of fans I know it will always be fuck Colin Cowherd. To so callously imply that a man deserved a violent end to his amazing story was a new level of scumbag-ness. So for that reason, along with so many of his other offenses, Colin Cowherd, with all due disrespect, please sit your ass down!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

WWE Survivor Series Preview

Survivor Series is amongst us. The one time a year where members of the Raw roster take on members of the Smackdown roster. At least until a virus goes through the Raw Locker room and AJ Styles has to fill in, but that's neither here nor there. What I am here to do is to give you what you crave and opinion on what's gonna happen at a professional wrestling pay per view event!

Kalisto VS Enzo Amore (Cruiserweight Championship)
This feud is well, it's floundering. They shotgunned the title onto Kalisto for a week to deal with Neville walking out (Please come back angry little elf man) and has now gone back to Enzo.

I fully expect Enzo to win through some chicanery possibly through a distraction from Drew Gulak who has just been killing it in his role as the lame ass guy who doesn't realize how lame he is.
Hopefully this leads to adding some of the guys from the UK brand or even calling up someone like Hideo Itami to kind of spice up the brand.
Winner: Enzo Amore

Alexa Bliss VS Charlotte Flair
Good thing I didn't write this before Tuesday's Smackdown, as the title was switched onto Charlotte at the last moment. Alexa Bliss is just a monster on the microphone and Charlotte is just a killer in the ring. Would have loved an actual program between the two but since we're only getting 5 days setting this feud up and the only interaction was a sucker punch from Bliss flooring the Queen, I would imagine Charlotte will get the win in this one.
Winner: Charlotte Flair

The Bar VS The Usos 
This is a match I am getting quite excited for. Since turning heel the Usos have become my favorite act in all of Smackdown. They just have this cool factor that can not be overlooked. In the ring they have a very exciting style and tell quite the story.
As for the Bar, Sheamus and Cesaro are operating at an amazing level right now. Frankly you could put Cesaro in the ring with anyone and he'd put on a 5 start match, team him with Sheamus who as a face was boring as all hell but thrives as a brutish heel and you got a recipe for success. I would expect the Usos to go over here as they've been the longer reigning of the two.
Winner: The Usos

Baron Corbin VS The Miz
You may not find a person who champions the Miz more than I do. You could make the case that he is the MVP of the WWE right now.
No matter who he feuds with he immediately elevates that feud to one of the most entertaining on the show. Baron Corbin while not being the Miz, he does illicit a response. If he's allowed to be the smarmy dick he is on twitter he can definitely be a top flight heel as he has a great mix of size, speed and power. Given that the Miz has put so many over while on Raw I think he gets his moment to bask and picks up the victory here.
Winner: The Miz

The Shield VS The New Day
The Shield are the most over act in the last few years, putting them back together felt a little rushed to me but it has worked like gangbusters. The New Day, what can I say about them that I haven't already tweeted incessantly about.
They are the rare act that don't need to have titles to feel important. Although if we're being honest Big E should be a multiple time world champion, Kofi deserves a singles run and Xavier is possibly the most underrated wrestler on the roster. I fully expect them to pull out all the stops but it won't be enough to stop the Shield.
Winner: The Shield

Team Raw VS Team Smackdown (Women's 5 on 5)
This is an interesting one, while we know the full lineup for Raw there is a TBA for the Smackdown ladies. There is tons of speculation that it could be a returning Paige, but I think she returns the Monday after the pay-per-view. I think it will be Nikki Bella whom we have not seen since Wrestlemania. The blue brand ladies will put up a valiant effort but I don't see any team with Asuka on it taking a loss any time soon.
Winner: Team Raw

Team Raw VS Team Smackdown (Men's 5 on 5)
Raw is going to send Braun Strowman, Samoa Joe, Finn Balor, Kurt Angle and Triple H against Smackdown's Shane McMahon, Bobby Roode, Randy Orton, Shinuske Nakamura, and John Cena. On paper this should essentially be a squash. Raw has the stronger booked team but I expect it to have a little drama. Probably have Balor and Joe cost each other a pinfall and that will lead to their next feud. Possibly tease John Cena and Braun Strowman.
Never change Braun.
No matter what happens I fully expect Triple H to be the sole survivor because he'd not dusting off his gear just too put somebody over damn it.
Winner: Team Raw

AJ Styles VS Brock Lesnar
Now on to what should be the main event. You got a genetic freak in Brock Lesnar, who when motivated can put on some damn fine matches (See his bout with Samoa Joe.) He's going against the man who arguably is the best in ring performer going today in the Phenomenal AJ Styles. I think the Phenomenal one will work the legs in an attempt to lock in the calf crusher.

Lesnar is going to make him look good and a worthy foe but his strength and brute force will be the deciding factors as the Beast shall reign supreme.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

And there we have it. Another one in the books. Hopefully this leads to somewhat of a reset of some stagnant story lines as we will officially begin the road to Wrestlemania!


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

NXT Takeover: War Games Preview

Ah yes, it's that time of the month. When I with some degree of accuracy give my predictions as to how the matches of the evening shall proceed. But first I must speak on this momentous news. There were few things that made the old Puma happier in the world of wrestling than the work of Chris Jericho over the last yer. I mean the guy got a damn clipboard over.

Now my current favorite wrestler (non-WWE) is Kenny Omega.

And in January at arguably the best wrestling show of the year Jericho is going to face Kenny Omega and my black nerd heart can barely contain myself. The excitement I have for this match should carry me nicely into February when I may have to take a sabbatical from work to deal with the hypeness I have for Black Panther.

Now without further ado I present to you the matches so far scheduled.

Johnny Gargano VS Pete Dunne (WWE UK Championship)
I am all in on Pete Dunne and there may not be a better natural babyface than Johnny Wrestling. There is absolutely no build up to this match and frankly I only saw it because Brandon Stroud of WithSpandex wrote about it. That said this may be one of those matches that you would hate to follow.
All hail the Bruiserweight
If they were smart they'd give the title to Gargano, introduce it to NXT as a secondary title and get Pete Dunne up to 205 Live to wreck shop. However I feel we'll get treated to a great match but no title switch. And I'll never complain about a Bruiserweight victory.
Winner: Pete Dunne

Lars Sullivan VS Kassius Ohno
This is another match that has no build up. Just a backstage segment where KO asks for the match. That's it. With all that said this is gonna be the definition of a stiff ass hoss fight. Two very oddly athletic big men who like to punch your face into oblivion. While a win by Ohno would be great I think Lars Sullivan goes over just to legitimize him moreso as a terrifying beast.
Winner: Lars Sullivan 

Aleister Black VS The Velveteen Dream 
If you would have told me my favorite story line would involve a Prince cosplayer and a seemingly apathetic satanist I would have called you a liar but here we are. While Black is going to be the man sooner rather than later, Dream is the man who has made this feud.
Seemingly obsessed with making Black say his name and constantly being rebuffed have been compelling stuff. So you know when these two go at it in the ring it is going to be quite the event. That said I think it will be the former Tommy End hitting the Black Mass for the win.
Winner: Aleister Black

Andrade 'Cien' Almas VS Drew McIntyre (NXT Championship)
Another feud with not much build but both of these guys are kind of in the zone right now. The gallant warrior McIntyre versus the manipulative Almas with his manager Zelina Vega (hey boo!) should be a very good match.
Story line wise I think it would make sense for Almas to get the title which could be used as fodder for another feud with Johnny Gargano who could finally win the big one only to be assaulted guessed it, Tomasso Ciampa. As for McIntyre it could set up a redemptive return to the main roster as he kind of has no one to feud with after this unless he's turned heel. I think he could do some amazing things on Smackdown Live.
Winner: Andrade Almas

Ember Moon VS Kairi Sane VS Peyton Royce VS Nikki Cross (NXT Women's Championship)
Had War Games not been added to this card then I imagine this would have been the scene stealer of the night. Ember Moon is wild athletic, Kairi Sane drops the prettiest elbow drop in the business, Nikki Cross may legit be insane and Peyton Royce has the potential to be the biggest star of them all.
Seriously a work of art.
I would imagine this to play out as Ember Moon pulling out all the stops to win the big one but coming up just short as I expect Peyton Royce to walk out with the title. I honestly am hoping this happens just so I can see her and Billie Kay hop away with the title.
Winner: Peyton Royce
  Authors of Pain w/ Roderick Strong VS Sanity VS Undisputed Era (War Games) 
And now we have hit the main event. A match that was conceived by the legendary Dusty Rhodes in the 80s it's about time this match which features a massive cage and 2 rings was brought back. Now this is going to be quite difficult to predict. From a story line standpoint giving the win to Roddy Strong and AOP makes most sense as they all are seeking vengeance. From a logic standpoint I would say the Undisputed Era win. They're a new faction with a charismatic leader destined for big things. This allows AOP to be elevated to the next level, and frees up a tag team spot for either Fish and O'Reilly to take on Sanity going forward.
Winner: Undisputed Era

And there you have it, War Games. Will these be correct? Probably not, but hey you're getting free content.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Top 5 Simpsons Scenes (Accordng to the Puma of Chocolate Persuasion)

Now it should come as no surprise to anyone who know the ol' Puma is that he has an obsessive love of The Simpsons. That is the first thirteen seasons. In fact the wife of the Puma will confirm that if I catch the right episode I will laugh and quote along with it the entire episode. I know, I am the absolute worst. That being said I was inspired by a recent podcast suggested to me by a friend (good looking out Tubbs) to give you my favorite jokes. Now granted I could give you probably 100 of these but for brevity sake we'll just do 5. And remember if you don't like it or have a suggestion, this is free content so suck it up!

5. "Potato Man"

Homer attempts to get into a U2 concert and going off the only thing he appears to know about the Irish he comes up with a disguise of a potato delivery man...and it works. It's just so damn ridiculous.

4. "Good Gravy!"

The sense of pride the cook has at this seemingly innocuous statement is just outstanding. And something I say all the time when cooking gravy. My child, wife and dog are all very proud.

3. Robert Goulet

If you thought Will Ferrell was the perfect Goulet then boy were you wrong. From his shock at being told to shut up to his rendition of Jingle Bells, it's just perfection.

2. "Little Bart..."

When Homer believes his family has been killed in a Treehouse of Horrors episode his memory of each is just perfect. Especially his memory of Marge. I lose all composure whenever I see this scene.

1. "Everything is Coming Up Milhouse!"

Seriously if you have never uttered this I question if you have a soul. This is by far for me the funniest scene ever. Never have flood pants been so amusing.

Well there you have it, now as leave I will say this sage warning. "I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary..

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

October's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Ah yes we have come to that time of the month. No not my monthly crisis on the current state of the Chicago Bulls. I refer of course to the time I sit down and go over who in the world is most deserving of being told to have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up. This month is someone who frankly I am shocked I have not told to have a seat earlier. So without further ado I whip out, yes whip out the proverbial Ethan Allen and tell this fine (by fine I mean disgusting sack of human waste) gentleman to have a seat.

Mike Huckabee, get your bootleg Hanna Barbera villain ass down here so you can sit your ass down!
"Alright kids, uncle Huck is gonna play some popular music!"
For the most part ol' Hucks has been a fairly annoying and mostly corny presence in most of our lives. Then some jerk wagon decided to tell Huckabee about twitter and then he became a hack comedian who's jokes are so bad they would make God herself set fire to an orphanage in rage.

Well he decided to jump on the twitter machine during a vacation to Hawaii and drop this gem: we go with a call back to that ol' racist classic "Was Obama really born here?" But hey maybe I should just get over it. I mean it's funny right? Because he's a white guy. And white guys are America! Jokes! Seriously if in the year of our Lord 2017 you're still making birther jokes about the now former know what if you made birther jokes to begin with I extend to you from the deepest depth of my soul a hearty and earthy fuck you to you and yours.

So before Mike unearths some Menudo and Rico Suave jokes since he's hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. Shout out to Family Guy for that last reference.

Alright jerk bags, I'm out. Keep it sleazy.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

2017 Tables, Ladders and Chairs Preview

Ah yes, another weekend, another pay per view from the WWE. Even though you won't have the champion Brock Lesnar or my personal favorite at the moment Samoa Joe who is out with a knee injury, this should be a pretty good card minus one stinker which I think you'll be able to tell by my reaction to it. Without further ado I present my predictions which I guarantee will not be correct.

"The Demon" Finn Balor VS "Sister Abigail" Bray Wyatt
So Puma how do you feel about this feud and this match?
 Sigh...I mean ok? This match makes no sense. Balor won as his human persona and his demon persona. So they're running it back again as the Demon vs Bray Wyatt wearing a veil? I...yeah they both deserve better than this. I'll say Balor wins because he has a date with Brock Lesnar and needs to look strong.
Winner: The Demon

The Brian Kendrick & Gentleman Jack Gallagher VS Rich Swann & Cedric Alexander
This match is involving 4 of the guys who should be in the main event scene of the Crusierweight division. The alliance between Kendrick and Gallagher was a great swerve to Gallagher's act. And now that he has lost the rainbow trunks and wrestles in damn oxfords he brings a touch of old timey bad ass. Where as Rich Swann is pure excitement and energy my favorite in this match has to be Cedric Alexander.
A sight we should see more often.
Since his days at Ring of Honor he has always been underrated. Give these guys ten minutes and they'll have the crowd going nuts. As much as I like Swann and Alexander, I expect the heels to win this one.
Winner: Gallagher and Kendrick

Enzo Amore VS Kalisto (Cruiserweight Championship)
This is going to be the definition of the go to the bathroom match in my opinion. Kalisto is a very talented wrestler but devoid of any kind of charm. Enzo has charisma in spades but has the wrestling talent of Estelle Getty.
I single handedly forced Neville to quit! How you doin?!
Why they'd make a title switch so hastily is odd, probably to get over the little problem of no one being able to get a title shot at Enzo due to the division wide beat down. I expect Enzo to get the title back. And hopefully move on to a program with oh I don't know...Cedric Alexander.
Winner: Enzo Amore

Asuka VS Emma
Emma has been one of the most misused talents in recent history. That being said I see no reason why shecan't go out there and shock the....BAHAHAHAHAHAHA SIKE! While she has been misused she's gonna get her head legit kicked off by Asuka. In her own words...

Winner: Asuka

Mickie James VS Alexa Bliss
This is probably the best use of Alexa Bliss' time until she runs into the buzzsaw that is Asuka.
This also can bring some closure to the Mickie James/Alexa angle that was kind of aborted when they both made the move from Smackdown to Raw. I will say that I hope it's the end of degrading feuds for Mickie James. First it was Piggy James years ago and now it's how she is so old. My God she deserves better.
Winner: Alexa Bliss

The Shield VS The Miz, Cesaro, Sheamus, Braun Strowman and Kane
Ok let me say that I love the reformed Shield. I think all their personalities combined make for a highly popular wrestler. That being said is there any chance the Shield loses? I mean the odds have been stacked against them to a comical level. The Bar and the Miz would have been enough odds, then you add in Braun Strowman and that's some odds that are hard to overcome. Throwing Kane in to remind us of his Wrestlemania match just appears to be overkill. So they're power up and through some kind of magic they'll get the win. My guess is the Miz eats a spear from Roman because we can't have nice things.
Winner: The Shield

Well there you have it folks, my guesses for TLC 2017. Join me in a few weeks when I incorrectly predict a Jinder Mahal loss and I fawn endlessly over Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens.