Saturday, March 10, 2018

WWE Fastlane Preview

The latest pay per view before Wrestlemania has arrived and well let's be honest, the folks over on Smackdown haven't done the best job building this one up. But I know you, my loyal fives of readers demand that I give you my unwarranted opinion on what is going to happen in the world of professional wrestling and damn it I shall provide this service.

Becky Lynch and Naomi VS Carmella and Natalya
This is one of those classic we got a few people who we need to keep in front of the audience but we don't have anything storyline wise for them so let's throw em in a tag team! Becky Lynch is as pure a babyface as there is, Naomi is wildly over with her athleticism and "Feel the Glow" gimmick, and Carmella is always waiting in the wings as the first ever Ms. Money in the Bank. Oh and Natalya likes cats. Given that this has pretty much no build, I'll guess the faces will go over in this one.
Winner: Becky Lynch and Naomi

Shinuske Nakamura VS Rusev
It's been weird with these two. Nakamura won the Royal Rumble but seemingly has gotten less attention than say John Cena who pops up whenever he wants. Rusev has become arguably the most popular act in all of wrestling, even getting Rusev Day chants in Ring of Honor shows. The fact that neither of them really has anything going on is a damn travesty.
Now I expect this to be a very good match as Rusev hard hitting style with his athleticism will match very well with Nakamura's strong style strikes. In the end you can't have the winner of the Rumble looking weak before Wrestlemania.
Winner: Nakamura

Ruby Riott VS Charlotte Flair (Smackdown Women's Championship)
This is going to be a completely serviceable match. Riott will be made to look like a force with the help of the Riott Squad but let's be honest, there is no way that Charlotte is going to lose the Women's Championship before Wrestlemania. I feel like after this match we shall get the debut of Asuka who will finally choose Charlotte as her opponent given that she did win the Women's Royal Rumble.
Winner: Charlotte

The New Day VS The Usos (Smackdown Tag Team Championship)
This is going to be the match that steals the show. The chemistry that these two teams have is so amazing I'll overlook that last time the Usos won they said the New Day wouldn't get a shot again as long as they were champions. 

I would honestly expect the New Day to get this win and become the new champions so we can run this back at Wrestlemania and I expect this rivalry to continue until Smackdown builds up some suitable competition.
Winner: The New Day

Bobby Roode VS Randy Orton (United States Championship)
Sigh...I really like Bobby Roode. When he is a shitty heel, his best persona. This babyface version is just leaving a lot to be desired. And starting a feud with the charismatic black hole that is Randy Orton based off an arbitrary top ten list is wild garbage. I know this is going to end up with some kind of dusty finish and somehow set up a triple threat match at Wrestlemania with these two and JInder Mahal involved.
Winner: Bobby Roode

Dolph Ziggler VS Baron Corbin VS Kevin Owens VS Sami Zayn VS John Cena VS AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
This is gonna be a mess so here goes. Why is Dolph Ziggler in this match? He walked away as United States Champion and he's being rewarded with more title shots? Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are only in this match to set up a Mania grudge match we have all wanted since the moment KO arrived and powerbombed Sami onto the apron after winning the NXT title.
People let me tell you bout my best friend!
Baron Corbin is gonna be built as a monster tweener so I'd expect him to be made to look good. As for John Cena...well he's there. No way he actually wins this, he is seemingly on a collision course with the Undertaker in a match no one asked for. So using the process of elimination AJ Styles is going to come out on top because damn it we deserve Styles VS Nakamura at Mania. 
Winner: AJ Styles

Well folks there you have it. Hopefully the road to Wrestlemania smoothes out for the blue brand and maybe, just maybe they stop centering so many main event spots around Shane McMahon. 

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

February 2018 Sit Your Ass Down Award

You know I had someone in mind for this month. I had even typed out a pretty scathing and sophomoric take down as well. Then someone sent me the news that Stacey Dash was running for congress and I had to completely delete everything I had written. DAMN YOU ZIGGY! So without further ado, I would like to ask the clueless star to bring her ass up here before it all falls down and have a damn seat!

Oh boy where do I even begin with this one. It seems that ever since Kanye put her ass on a plane she has lost her ever loving mind.
That's right this woman will say anything if it (A) gets her attention and (B) shits all over black people. By running for congress in a district that has Compton and Watts she gets to do both at the same damn time! Here are some of her greatest hits!
*Claims there should be no Black Entertainment Television because imagine the uproar if there was a White Entertainment Television. Conveniently forgetting that W.E.T. does exist, it's called CBS. She also seems to have forgotten that she received a check for starring in this little movie which aired on....drum roll please...BET!
*Said there was no such thing as a gender pay inequality and ladies should "be a better negotiator."
*There shouldn't be a Black History Month because we're all Americans. Conveniently leaving out this tidbit:

African American History Month

National National Women’s History Month, Irish-American Heritage Month


Asian Pacific American Heritage, Older Americans Month and Jewish American Heritage Month

Gay Lesbian Pride Month


National Hispanic-Latino Heritage Month (Sept. 15-Oct. 15)

National Disability Employment Awareness Month and National Italian American Heritage Month

National American Indian Heritage Month

You know how I found all that out? GOOGLE! Took me literally 22 seconds. So Ms. Dash, I wish you all the best, and by best I mean I hope whoever runs against you roasts you with the fire of 100 Young Dolph mix tapes. And as the old adage goes:

Friday, February 23, 2018

Elimination Chamber Preview

Ah yes, here we are another pay per view thus the fives of readers who like professional wrestling will get what they crave...A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT WWE PAY PER VIEW! You're all welcome, I spoil you all.

Woke Matt Hardy VS Bray Wyatt 
Now this is a feud that should be blowing us all away with the creativity. However through some well, odd choices in booking, it just feels meh. From having a match that came out of nowhere with no build on Raw 25 to most of their feud being based around weird laughing and closeups of said laughing. It would be weird to have this feud end on Elimination Chamber. I say this will go on until Wrestlemania at the least. No matter how hard we yawn.
Winner: Matt Hardy

Nia Jax VS Asuka
This one is hard to figure out. I think that Asuka will win as they have done such a great job of protecting her undefeated streak. But somehow Nia Jax will definitely be made to look extremely strong. If I had to take a guess we will see Asuka win either by submission or some fluke such as a count out as to keep the streak alive but also maintain that aura of power that Nia Jax has. Also Asuka has not stated who she is facing at Wrestlemania, I think we're heading to an Asuka vs Charlotte feud.

Winner: Asuka

Sonya DeVille VS Mandy Rose VS Sasha Banks VS Bayley VS Mickie James VS Alexa Bliss (WWE Women's Champion)
 I am weirdly excited about this match, mainly because if it happens the way I think it will it could lead to an amazing Wrestlemania match. This is gonna have a lot of moving parts but in the end I think that DeVille and Mandy Rose will be made to look competent, Alexa Bliss will continue her slow descent into a possible face turn or at least a role as a tweener. Mickie James will be the wily veteran. But this is gonna be all about Bayley and Sasha Banks.
I think that we will see a heel turn but it won't be the Boss turning on Bayley, I think the Hugger embraces the dark side and blind sides the Boss after she wins the title. Leading to the two feuding and giving Bayley a refresh that she so desperately needs.
Winner: Sasha Banks

Braun Strowman VS Elias VS The Miz VS Finn Balor VS John Cena VS Seth Rollins VS Roman Reigns (#1 Contender for Universal Title)
This one unfortunately is not as fun to try and predict. We have been marching towards this for quite a while so...sigh...let's just do it. I think we'll see The Miz continue his reign as one of the unsung heroes of Raw and get himself over with the crowd and possibly set up his Wrestlemania feud with Finn Balor I would guess. Elias is super over but nowhere near ready for a main event spot.
The People's Champ.
If they were smart this would be the Braun Strowman show but it appears that they will hold off on what the people want and this is gonna come down to the former brothers in the Shield, Seth Rollins and Reigns. Now if I was booking this, if Roman has to win you have him turn on Rollins with the help of oh I don't know THE AUTHORS OF PAIN. Boom, you got heel Roman, a new top tier heel tag team, and Roman's first post Wrestlemania feud all rolled up nicely. God I hope it happens like this.
What a jackass.
Winner: Roman Reigns

Well there we have it, another pay per view in the books. I think the women will steal the show here and the men well, hopefully they try. 

Thursday, February 22, 2018

NBA First Half Season Awards

Ah yes we have reached the All Star break of the best league going. And while my predictions for how the season would play out have taken quite a hit, I can assure that this little hiccup is not going to stop me from taking off my prognosticating hat and giving you the opinion that you didn't ask for. You know why? Because I'm a magnanimous bastard, that's why.

Rookie of the Year: 
Ooooh boy was this a tough one. This year's rookie class has been a pleasant surprise And even given the above average play as a whole of this class, we're really only talking about two people who could possibly win this award. Ben Simmons who is averaging 16.5 ppg, 7.5 reb and 7.5 assists per night and Donovan Mitchell who is averaging 19.6 ppg, 3.5 rpg, and 3.5 apg. Now while I love Mitchell's game, and also anyone with the nickname "Spider" I think given his play making and defensive acumen I have to give the award to Ben Simmons.
He's 6'10. He shouldn't be doing this.
Winner: Ben Simmons

Defensive Player of the Year:
Usually this one is one of the harder ones for me to award. Do you go with the one that puts up the best defensive stats or do you go with someone who leads in one of the top defensive metrics. Well before his injury the leader in both would have been quite ease as Rudy Gobert was running away with the award. Now that he is injured the next man up for me is none other than the Process himself, Joel Embiid. Embiid has amazing footwork, can guard all 5 positions and talks shit like no one else. Long live the Process!

Winner: Joel Embiid

Most Improved Player:
No player has been helped more by a change of scenery than Victor Oladipo. Out of Russell Westbrook's shadow and the malaise that kind of floated over the entire Orlando Magic organization, Oladipo has flourished this season.
He's averaging 9 more points per game, almost a full steal more per game, and is now a top 20 player in terms of his player efficiency rating. With Oladipo leading the way the Pacers have a chance to build quite the respectable team that will get swept by Golden State or Houston for years to come.

Sixth Man of the Year:
This one was the easiest of all the awards to pick. The winner is Lou Williams.  He averages over 23 points and over 5 assists per game. With all the changes he has been the definition of offensive consistency. He's scored over 15 points in 27 straight games and underrated part of his game is how well he's played defensively averaging over a steal per game.
Winner: Lou Williams

Coach of the Year:
A few weeks ago I would have said no doubt about it, Brad Stevens. Well given the recent struggles I have been forced to reevaluate my my stance. Now my vote is gonna go to Dwayne Casey of the Toronto Raptors. At the end of last season there were some who believed he should be fired, now he has taken basically the same squad and led them to the top spot in the Eastern conference over the much more touted Boston Celtics.
Winner: Dwayne Casey

Most Valuable Player:
Here we are, the coup de grace of all the awards. Got quite a few people who can be in the running but if we're being honest with ourselves we all know who the man is that should take home this hardware.
James Harden is averaging 31 points, 9 assists, and 5 rebounds a night. He leads the league in points, PER, plus/minus and VORP (value over replacement player for those not in the know), basically by all offensive metrics there has not been a player more vital to his team's success than Harden. Can he keep it up? I wouldn't bet against him because we know his celebration will be lit...BOOOOOY!

Well there you have you it, one amazing half down, one to go.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

January 2018 Sit Yo Ass Down Award

A new calendar year and a whole new crop of ass clowns for me to verbally berate. And biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch there were no shortage of candidates this month for me to tell to grab a lazy boy and relieve them of their standing duties. So without further ado, I give you the first winner of the Sit Yo Ass Down Award for 2018...whoever made this ashy ass meme!
This is the dumbest shit I ever seen.
Put your alkaline water down and get your hotep ass up here so you can sit your ass down!

Now full disclosure, since I have been a small child Black Panther was my favorite superhero. So when I found out that he was going to actually be in a movie, then get his own franchise let's just say I was a little excited. As soon as it was announced however I knew that we were going to be hit with shit like this. One of the things that has always annoyed me when a black audience likes something, some fake deep ass clown has to come in and throw his wet kufi around and ruin the fun. The same thing happened with Empire a few years ago. You got black people partying on twitter and then you see dumb ass sayings like "While you were watching Empire, I was building mine." Well good for you skippy. I'm about to chill for one hour and watch Terrance Howard overact and say "mayne" a lot.
So you just gonna make fun of me mayne?
So to you, my too woke, melanted buzkill I invite you to have all the seats. Just because we (yes I have opening night tickets) are taking a break from our black ass lives to see a black ass movie does not in any way hinder black people nor does it make you better because your grandma wouldn't give you $15 to see the movie. So retreat to Big Mama basement, grab some shea butter to ease the ashiness that is infecting you and remember...

Friday, January 26, 2018

Royal Rumble Preview

The annual battle royal centered show is upon us once again and your boy could not be more excited. Why? Because I love the hell out of some battle royals. So in keeping with my goal of giving you, the loyal readers a preview of the upcoming Royal Rumble event.

Benjamin and Gable VS The Usos (Smackown Tag Team Championship)
Since turning heel and becoming the wardens of the Uso penitentiary, this former generic ass tag team has become my favorite act. While this new team of Shelton Benjamin and Chad Gable are basically American Alpha 2.0 I have enjoyed them. Particularly Chad Gable.
The things this diminutive grappler can do are just ridiculous. And given that the Usos have had a pretty lengthy run already I think that the time to make a change could be upon and the tag titles will finally be released from the Uso Penitentiary in this 2 out of 3 fall affair.
Winners: Gable and Benjamin

Sheamus and Cesaro vs Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan (Raw Tag Team Championship)
I think this could be the hardest one to predict all card. On the one hand it would be cool to see Jordan go full heel and attack Rollins if they lose.
On the other hand this smarmy and self entitled thing he has going now is pretty clutch. IF the rumors are true about the health of Sheamus then time off is definitely warranted. I would expect Rollins and Jordan to retain and the teasing of the full heel turn by Jordan shall continue.
Winners: Rollins and Jordan

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn vs AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
AJ Styles is one of the nest wrestlers in the world. The same can be said of Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. Yet this feud has seemed....meh. Mainly because the focus has really been on Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan.
The biggest heel in the WWE right now is Shane McMahon. I know he's the face but dear lord he's been a dick and frankly I groan whenever he is on the tv. That being said I think we'll see a very good match but in the end AJ Styles is going to retain and hopefully, this leads to a date with Nakamura at Wrestlemania but I'll even take them going against each other at Fast Lane if it ends this feud.
Winner: AJ Styles

Kane vs Braun Strowman vs Brock Lesnar (WWE Universal Championship)
This is gonna be the who the hell cares match on this card. Kane has spent the last few years either in a tag team or administrative role and now he's a monster again. Braun Strowman is the most over guy in the match and the WWE just won't listen to the crowd.
And Brock, well when he wants to he can have an amazing match (See: Samoa Joe vs Brock Lesnar) but it seems that for the most part he's just mailing it in. I expect Braun to be a monster and get the crowd behind him even more, Kane will eat the pin and Lesnar will get the win to go on and lose to Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

Women's Royal Rumble:
This is gonna be hard to predict given we don't know who all is in it. I would expect some NXT women to get some shine like the Iconic Duo and Ember Moon, possibly even Shayna Bayzler but that would just be to get the ball rolling on whatever they decide to do with Ronda Rousey. Some of the main roster women that should be in contention would be of course Asuka, Nia Jaxx, Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch, but the real one I am excited to see is Naomi. She is ridiculously athletic and some the spots she should be able to pull off will be amazing. In the end I expect it to come down to Becky, Sasha and Asuka. After the way Raw ended with Asuka standing tall I feel she's made more than a few enemies and that will be her downfall as the the Lass Kicker shall sneak a victory in.
Winner: Becky Lynch

Men's Royal Rumble:
We know we'll get a few legends in there, a few NXT call ups but unfortunately this thing is being telegraphed from a mile away how it's gonna end up. I think we can expect ad awesome spot from Kofi Kingston (past spots have included a handstand to avoid elimination and using an announce chair as a pogo stick).
Fly Kofi fly!
I think Baron Corbin is going to be showcased as a monster, we can epect some bog things from Fin Balor as I expect him to be in for one of the longest times to help establish him and the Balor Club. But as soon as Roman Reigns lost the Intercontinental Championship it was a foregone conclusion that he was winning the Royal Rumble. And thus we begin another season of "Hey isn't Roman awesome."
Roman Wins LOL
Winner: Roman Reigns

Well there you have it. Will any of these be correct? Probably not. But I watch far too much wrestling to not give you all my unsolicited opinion.

NXT Takeover Philadelphia Preview

While the proverbial main event of the weekend is going to the Royal Rumble on Sunday, Saturday is where the smarks shall have their best time. While we may not know how the event on Sunday plays out, the consistent greatness of the Takeover shows should have us all excited. And with the light card the matches should all get a chance to shine.

The Authors of Pain VS The Undisputed Era (NXT Tag Team Championship)
This one is interesting. I think a case can be made for either team to pick up the titles but if I'm booking this the Undisputed Era go over. At this point the Authors of Pain have done everything they can in NXT. It is probably past time to move them up and let them run wild. I like how in the recent weeks their manager Paul Ellering has kind moved to the background and Akam and Rezar have been allowed to speak more. While the AOP has to look good it can't be at the expense of the Undisputed Era. I think it will be a close one but in the end, I expect their speed to give them an impressive win.
Side-note: I have really begun to enjoy the smarmy assholeness that Bobby Fish portrays. More Fish please!
Winners: Undisputed Era

Shayna Bayzler VS Ember Moon (NXT Women's Championship)
Ember Moon finally climbed to the top of the mountain and won the title. Bayzler was a force of dominance in the Mae Young Classic so we knew it was gonna be only a matter of time before they met. I didn't think it would be this soon but I'm not arguing. Ember Moon is one of the most talented women on the roster so I imagine her technical prowess will be played up against the MMA experience of Bayzler.
This is...impressive.
Given that she has had only one title defense so far I would think that she wouldn't lose right away but Bayzler has to look strong. I think this one ends with Moon on top but in a very close, possible roll up or cradle fashion.
Winner: Ember Moon

Aleister Black VS Adam Cole (Extreme Rules Match)
Aleister Black has been one of the most over acts since he arrived in NXT. Adam Cole is one of the best wrestlers in the world and is leading a stable which if done correctly could run NXT until the time for them to be called up. Given that his cohorts will have been put through war earlier in the evening I expect this to be a pretty even affair, but if you are ever gonna have the ERA take over Adam Cole has got to get a win by any means necessary but do it in a fashion as to not bury the cache that Black has built up.
Winner: Adam Cole...BAY BAY! 

Johnny Gargano VS Andrade 'Cien' Almas (NXT Championship)
This one is kind of hard to predict but I am gonna do it anyway. Given that Gargano only got the slot to compete for the 4 way that gave us a number one contender due to injury I don't think he's gonna get the win. That being said this is going to be an amazing match and it could lead to one of the biggest matches of Wrestlemania weekend if this is played right.
I think we'll see the return of the Psycho Killer himself, Tommaso Ciampa who hasn't been seen since telling off the NXT universe. I don't think he gets physically involved but I do think that he will make his presence known and it will be enough of a distraction to further the Johnny can't win the big one narrative.
El Idolo keepin' it tranquilo.
And it can free up Almas to take on someone who is next up as a top babyface like Roddy Strong.
Winner: Almas

There we have it. Another Takeover in the books. Join me next time, same Puma channel, same Puma time.