Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Chocolate Puma's Mock NBA Draft Spectacular

Ah yes, it's my favorite time of the year, the annual NBA draft. Where we see fresh faced kids get introduced to the 82 game meat grinder of a season. As of right now my beloved Chicago Bulls have yet to trade away our best player for a shot at a prime time rookie, the following predictions are based on    

1. Philadelphia
Markelle Fultz, PG - Washington
The best player in the draft, a pure scoring point guard with an impressive wingspan of almost 6'10 should fit in quite nicely with the impressive core of Saric, Embiid, and Ben Simmons. It would appear that the process should have been trusted after all.

2. Los Angeles Lakers
Lonzo Ball, PG - UCLA

A true pass first point guard in the vein of Jason Kidd. Although I will admit he has a better jumper at this point than Kidd did, his defense leaves a lot to be desired. With that said he'd be a welcome addition to any team.

3. Boston
Josh Taytum, SF - Duke
Dealt with a few injuries his one year at Duke but he is a dynamic scoring small forward. He bolsters the bench immediately and provides a pretty athletic combo with last year's pick Jaylen Brown. 

4. Phoenix
Josh Jackson, SF - Kansas
I would have had Jackson going to Boston but he didn't work out for them. Character issues aside he is a pro ready scorer. Gets to the basket at will and has a grinder attitude in tight games. Team him with guards like Devin Booker and Eric Bledsoe and they could have a very entertaining core.

5. Sacramento
De'Aaron Fox, PG - Kentucky

I really like Fox, I really do and it pains me to do this but I think he's going to Sacramento. He could be the possibly the fastest player the second he is drafted. A very NBA ready shooter and passer, he could be the steal of the draft if going to a halfway decently run team.
6. Orlando
Jonathan Isaac, PF - Florida State
The first pick based on potential, he showed flashes of brilliance while at Florida State but did not perform on a consistent basis. I think if given time to develop he could be a Serge Ibaka level player.

7. Minnesota

Zach Collins, PF/C- Gonzaga
 Given the recent release of Nikola Pekovic they could use a low post scoring force to help out Karl Anthony Townes. Collins has a nice jumper and back to the basket game. Even though he has the face of someone who constantly yells "Do you know who my dad is?!"

8. New York

Malik Monk, SG - Kentucky

Not the best defensive player, but he was an elite college scorer. He is able to get his own shot off from any angle and any spot on the floor. Now will he be allowed to flourish in the triangle offense remains the real question.

9. Dallas

Lauri Markkanen, PF - Arizona
This is just serendipitous. Dirk Nowitzki is nearing the end of his career and who should be available? A 7 foot Euro player with great footwork and NBA range when it comes to the three pointer. Give him a year learning under Dirk and we could have quite the passing of the torch.

10. Sacramento
Donovan Mitchell, SG - Louisville
I mean who knows what the hell the Kings are going to do. That said Mitchell is probably the best player at this point in the draft so sorry about that buddy.

11. Charlotte
Justin Jackson, SF/PF - UNC

He improved every year while in Chapel Hill. He has become a guy who's lanky frame allows him to get any shot he wants. Has improved immensely as a defender and is very underrated as a rebounder.

12. Detroit
Luke Kennard, SG - Duke
I can't believe I'm here either!
No player has benefited more from Grayson Allen being a total nut case than Luke Kennard.  A very good shooter who has surprised with his athleticism

13. Denver
Bam Adebayo, SG - Kentucky
Boom wild card! Bam didn't play but his potential is off the charts. Denver has Gary Harris starting at the 2 and this will allow him to develop slowly. Which he will definitely need. 

14. Miami
TJ Leaf, PF - UCLA 
With Chris Bosh having to retire this opens up a spot for someone who is versatile enough to be a face up threat while Hassan Whiteside gobbles up the boards and TJ Leaf fits the bill. Very good defender and rebounder, could be the start of a very promising front court with Whiteside and Winslow.

Well there you have it. I'm sure all of these will be wrong by the time I hit publish but I'm just so damn happy that it's finally here. Enjoy basketball nerds.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

June's If You Don't Sit Yo Ass Down Award!

Ah another month so it’s time for my ongoing series in which I unleash a rant directed at someone who should probably sit they ass down and shut the hell up. Today I want to present this June’s If You Don’t Sit Yo Ass Down Award to…
Bill Cosby!
That's right it's your turn to have a seat in the judgement chamber of the Chocolate Puma you hypocritical milky eyed bastard. In case you've been living under a rock, Ol' Uncle Pudding Pop here for decades (allegedly) popped drugs into unsuspecting women's drinks for years and sexually assaulted them. Well when finally seeing his day in court Ol' Billy Qualudes over here decides that this is all a conspiracy of the man.

Now maybe it's not Billy saying it but his defenders have pulled every possible excuse out the book for this guy. "He was about to buy NBC!" Yeah he asked about it in 1992 and the network wasn't for sale. Another favorite is that this is all to bring him down for uplifting black people! Well this is literally the worst plan in history to bring anyone down. I can see it now, a cabal of hooded figures around a table discussing their plans.
"See what we will do is give him a movie and stand up career."
"Yes? Then we bring him down?"
"No. then we give him an influential tv show and prop him up as a paragon of moral virtues!"
"Then we bring him down!"
"Not quite. Then we wait until he has fallen from the public eye and known more for his ridiculous sweaters."
"Then we bring him down?"
"It's the perfect plan."

That's pretty damn ridiculous! And if there is this mystical figure trying to bring down positive black men, why did they choose this old cornball? LeBron James, Barack Obama, Denzel Washington, Ken Griffey, Jr., Gerald from Hey Arnold!, not a single accusation among all of em.
The walk of a man with no accusations.
What annoys me the most about Bill Cosby, beside the (alleged) sexual assaults of course, is that for years he walked around looking down on black and brown folk. People remember the infamous "Pound Cake" speech he gave but let's not act like that was a new position for him. For him to be that guy but also a guy who put himself the height of morality is just sickening. In the best case scenario, 50+ women are lying and he just cheated on his wife for over 3 decades. THIS IS NOT A GOOD PERSON.

So I could care less if you have a TV show I liked, you ain't my daddy and your old hypocritical ass should be in jail. So with that said get someone to pull your blind ass a chair up and have a seat. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

May's If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down Award

Ah yes it's that wonderful time of the month when I sit down and in a petty sense of rage I tell people to have a few seats in a very polite manner I think. Well this month...will be no different. As 2017 rolls along there has been no shortage of people who can probably stand to have a few seats. It's in this spirit that for the first time ever I give you the "If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down" speed round!

First up o grab a seat...Charles Barkley! That's right the round mound of rebound has drawn my ire. No not for his work on Inside the NBA, no this time I'm annoyed and disgusted that he is being given a platform to spew his lets call it nuanced opinions on race relations.
Yes TNT thought it was a great idea to give the guy who once dunked on an Ethiopian basketball player and then called him a "spear chucker" a show meant to heal the racial divide in this country. Seriously, watch the clip of him interaction with the woman who's son was beaten to death by Baltimore PD and just wow Chuck. Stick to getting owned by Shaq and Kenny about not having any championships my man.

Next up! If being a condescending jack ass was an Olympic sport then this gentleman would be a gold medalist. Jason Whitlock...come on down!
Yes the esteemed former ESPN "star" has ling drawn my ire. But with his latest vendetta against Colin Kaepernick he's gone from annoying blowhard to to unbearable jack ass. For many years he has longed to be seen as a member of the black intelligentsia and lashing out at anyone who is seem as smarter than him. From Bomani Jones (who has never said anything but positive things about him) to Ta-Nahesi Coates, if you're seen as smarter than this gaseous vessel of idiocy then you immediately become one of the liberal lefties who has "fallen for the okey-doke." With the Kaepernick situation he has called him all kinds of sheep, and accuses him of not having anything to protest because the NFL has made black men rich. Let us not also forget that as a man in the year of our Lord 2017 he had the nerve to criticize how Ciara was dressed and bloviated how Serena Williams was out of shape. He has long needed to grab a seat.

And finally on this list is Karl Malone.
Why Karl Malone? Because it's Team Fuck Karl Malone forever around these parts

Well folks that's my time you've been great!

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Chocolate Cub Interview

Well as the great wrestling announcer Jim Ross would say, business has certainly picked up since the last time I posted here. In that time, I went from being the confused parent to an infant to the confused parent of a one month old dynamo and let me tell you the ride has been great.
Very cautiously agreeing to be interviewed.
It is in this spirit that I had a sit-down conversation with the Chocolate Cub to see how month one has been treating him. 

Chocolate Puma: Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with me on the record.

Chocolate Cub: Anytime, I’ve just become aware of your works, also just became aware I can shove all my fingers in my mouth. How crazy is that?

CP: I’m gonna ask that you not do that, you just ate son.

CC:  Deal with it old man. 

CP: I like your attitude.

CC: Where do you think I get it from? (Finger points at me)

CP: You’re gonna make a brown man blush. First question, how you enjoying your set up.

CC: Much more room than I’m accustomed to!
(We both laugh intensely)

Here he is practicing his falsetto.
 CC: In all seriousness, it’s great, sweet bed, sweet room, and I’m a big fan of that thing in the corner.

CP: The rocking chair?

CC: Don’t judge me, I’ve been here a month. 

CP: Won’t happen again.

CC: Overall though the time spent here as been amazing. Slobbering on your face, dancing to some Stevie Wonder have all been just amazing. I'm particularly a fan of the diaper time playlist.
"Captain America is Hydra? Whoa."
CP: What can I say kid, I love music? Well son I say we read this Captain America Secret Empire and then head to bed. 

CC: Splendid. What are we drinking tonight?

CP: Whiskey for me, formula for you. 

CC: Oh. Snap. Son.

Well there you have it. Just a brief sit down with the mini gentleman of leisure who currently runs our household. This is possibly the first of many interviews with the Cub. Hopefully he refrains from profanity laced tirades but no guarantees.

Monday, May 15, 2017

In Which I Begrudgingly Defend Lebron James

2017 is weird. We have a reality show host as president, the Chocolate Puma is a father, and most improbable of all I am going to defend Lebron James. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. For the record, no one has been as petty and a hater to Lebron as much as I have.
When he spurned the Bulls I reveled in every loss the “Heatles” experienced. But during his time in Miami something happened…I began to actually see his greatness. Like I knew he was an amazing player, but I began to truly appreciate what we were living through. Now this isn’t to say that I think he is the greatest to ever do it, but I will say he is the greatest of his era. 

But Puma, you may say, back in my day guys didn’t take breaks, they played every game. Well even with LeBron taking a game off here and there over the last two seasons, over his 13 seasons he has played 1,061 games. Michael Jordan by comparison in 13 seasons with the Bulls played in 930 games. Not to mention he has played in 6 consecutive NBA finals and participated in the Olympics essentially giving him a year round schedule. 

“Puma, back in my day, guys didn’t form super teams!” Not so fast on that on champ. That ignores the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, and Philadelphia 76ers…and that’s just from the 80s! The best players always have a way of ending up on the same team.
Pat Riley leads a scrappy group of under dogs.
The only difference is now the players are deciding where and who they want to play with and not the teams making that decision. 

Alright fine, he's good you may be thinking, but the league was more competitive back in the day you may counter with proudly. Good retort but a common misconception. The majority of all NBA championships since it's inception in 1947 have gone to 4 franchises, the Boston Celtics, LA Lakers, Chicago Bulls, and San Antonio Spurs. In fact there has only been one decade in which there was true parity, the 1970s, where 8 different teams hoisted the championship. 

And I already know what's coming next, but he lost in the finals, Jordan never lost in the finals! That is true. But that in itself is the anomaly. Every other hall of fame champion has losses in the Finals. Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Hakeem Olajuwon, Tim Duncan, Bill Russell, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal, all of them lost a championship. That fact doesn't diminish their greatness, so we shouldn't hold LeBron to a higher standard. 

So I'm sure I'll get called all kinds of a stan for recognizing statistically something very special and so be it. I'm not ready to call him the GOAT, not sure I'll ever get there, but I have no problem firmly placing him in the top 3 of all time. If for nothing else this damn chase down block. I mean...come on. This is like a damn video game play.