Friday, February 15, 2019

Elimination Chamber 2019 Preview

We are firmly on the road to Wrestlemania and this little speed bump here should get us a clearer idea of what matches we can expect to see. I of course have a ton of fantasy booking that I would do which would be amazing but they will probably go another route because my mind is just too awesome. Without further ado I give you my predictions.

Baron Corbin VS Braun Strowman
This match is just odd to me. Strowman goes from being the next man to take on Lesnar to dropped and now in a feud with Baron Corbin for...reasons?
Corbin was great in my opinion as Constable of Raw but where are they going with him now? He was amazing on the mic and is just such a natural heater so I think he can be an awesome heel going forward but he has got to get out the Chili's waiter gear.
Winner: Strowman

Finn Balor VS Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush (Intercontinental Championship)
They were in a weird spot with Lashley but kind of righted the ship by pairing him with the obnoxious Lio Rush. This guy is gold. Not only is he an awesome wrestler, he has got that smart ass mouth that makes you want to choke him like managers of yore.
Give us Balor Club you cowards
Balor is coming off a great performance against Brock Lesnar, and is building quite a but of momentum. Given the odds are stacked so against him I think the time is here and Balor will overcome and get his first piece of main roster gold.
Winner: Finn Balor

The Usos VS The Miz and Shane McMahon (Smackdown Tag Team Championship)
The story told with the Miz and Shane McMahon has been a good one. Two guys doing all they can for their father's approval and achieving something no one expected.
A preview of things to come?
But...let's be real. There is no way this team should even in kayfabe, be able to defeat the Usos who are possibly the best tag team in the world. I would think the Usos win but this sets up a heel turn by Shane, then at Wrestlemania you have a babyface Miz going against a Heel Shane McMahon.
Winner: The Usos

Ruby Riott VS Ronda Rousey (Raw Women's Championship)
Now this match is not really in question. Ronda Rousey is going to win. That being said I think that this becomes a showcase for the world to see how good Ruby Riott is.
And possibly set up a trade of her to Smackdown to be a credible heel to go against Asuka. Also don't let Ronda talk. Please.

Nia Jaxx and Tamina VS The Riott Squadd VS Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville VS The IIconics VS Naomi and Carmella VS Sasha Banks and Bayley (Women's Tag Team Championship)
Finally at long last we get what wrestlers and fans alike have been asking for. They have done a great job building the teams up particularly Jaxx and Tamina as the powerhouse duo, Sasha and Bayley as the underdog faces, and of course the Riott Squad as the unpredictable team.
Peyton Royce Hive Assemble!
It comes down to two teams for me, Sasha and Bayley and of course, the IIconics. I believe given the booking the past few weeks, Sasha and Bayley are gonna shine

Kofi Kingston VS Randy Orton VS Samoa Joe VS AJ Styles VS Jeff Hardy VS Daniel Bryan (WWE Championship)
The blue brand has done a pretty good job of setting this up to the point I don't really know who is going to come out of this as champ. I think you can say Samoa Joe and Jeff Hardy are least likely to pick up the title. I think the real dark horse in this has got to be Kofi Kingston. For years he has been the dependable hand, never hurt, never in trouble and the consummate professional.
Give it up for the Mega Dad of the Year! 
While Kofi probably won't win it, it would be the most interesting. Imagine going into Wrestlemania with Daniel Bryan the eco warrior going against the leader of the most consumption based group in WWE history. Alas a man a can dream. It will probably be Bryan so we can run it back with AJ Styles but screw it, I'm calling an upset!
Winner: Kofi Kingston

Well there we have it, another pay per view in the books and another attempt at prognosticating by your boy. Enjoy the predictions of a legend in his own mind that you didn't request and didn't know you needed.

Thursday, January 31, 2019

January 2019 Sit Your Ass Down Award

We have made it through the first month of the year and while I debated taking a breakski from issuing summons to have a seat, I thought of you, my loyal fives of readers and said to myself, "Self! You gotta give the people what they need." So without further adieu I give you the leadoff batter in the 2019 cavalcade of assclowns. There have been so many options for this, but in the last week and a half there has been a new clubhouse leader.

TOM BRADY! Put your Uggs on and get your ass up here and sit your ass down.
This bastard...
Now why are you telling the possible greatest quarterback of all time to sit down for? Well after the Patriots defeated the Kansas City Chiefs to go to the Super Bowl, Tom Brady was heard telling Chris Hogan how Brady was too old and Hogan was too slow and no one believed in them. Which would be a something to hang your hat on if it were true.

Yes people have remarked how Brady's stats have declined due to age because, well that's what happens. Father Time is undefeated so pointing that out isn't doubting anyone. Over the last three seasons his passing yards, passing yards per game, Touchdown percentage, quarterback rating and QBR have all declined.
So to say Brady isn't who he used to be isn't a knock, it means you have eyes. Doesn't mean the man isn't the GOAT or right there, just means he's 41 and he lost some zip on the fastball.

Even with that, coming into the season Vegas had the Patriots as the presumptive favorites over the team that had just beat them in the last Super Bowl. And that just isn't an anomaly. Tom Brady led teams have been favored in 68 straight games. The Patriots have been to 9 Super Bowls, he is a 14 time Pro Bowler, 3 times All Pro and a 3 time MVP, he is the definition of the perennial favorite.

So as we head to the 9th Super Bowl in 18 years with a Tom Brady led team, the greatest coach of all time, possibly the bets tight end since Tony Gonzalez, we have to hear made up stories about being doubted. Cut the crap Tom. Go full heel. That's right, come out on the field dressed like Hollywood Hogan and use the Lombardi trophy as an air guitar.

Do it Tom...embrace the dark side.

Friday, January 25, 2019

2019 Royal Rumble Preview

The annual Royal Rumble is one of my favorite events ever. There are always surprise entrants and returns that no matter how old I get will always make me lose my shit just a touch. Although I must say this is the first year in quite a while that I was more excited to see a traditional match than the actual Royal Rumble match.
Becky Lynch has been straight fire the last few months and seeing what the plan going into Wrestlemania has me all aflutter. Well without further posturing I give to you, my predictions on how it shall all shake out this Sunday.

Miz and Shane McMahon VS The Bar
So back at the World's Greatest Royal Rumble, the Miz was rolling and appeared to be a shoe in to win the first ever event. Then a phantom injury and Shane slid in at the last moment and won much to the chagrin of everyone. Since then the Miz has been trying to convince Shane that they are co-best in the world.
Ol' baby punches has to look strong.
The Bar are one of, if not the best tag team in the WWE and possibly all of wrestling. Sheamus and Cesaro have amazing chemistry. But we all know that Shane has to be made to look good with his baby jabs, so unfortunately the better team in this matchup will not win.Winner: Miz and Shane

Sasha Banks VS Ronda Rousey (Raw Women's Championship)
The outcome of this match is not really in question. I just want to take a moment and make this an appreciation for Boss Bae herself, Sasha Banks. She kinda has been overlooked (along with Bayley, hey boo) in the need to build up others.
Boss Bae forever
This current feud has reignited the Boss gimmick, and she has been absolutely OBLITERATING Rousey on the mic and on social media. Ronnie hasn't done herself giving some of the worst and least logical promos I have ever heard either. So in another case of someone who should win but won't Sasha is going to be sacrificed so that we get to the fireworks factory of hopefully Rousey vs Becky at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Rousey

Becky Lynch VS Asuka (Smackdown Women's Championship)
Now this is one that could either way. My opinion on this is that Asuka should win this match and she should do it in a way that gives Asuka the respect she deserves as champ and builds her back up as the dominant Empress of Tomorrow. It also has to be done in a way that does not deprive Becky of any of her popularity and credibility.
I would have them fight to either a draw, or I'd have an appearance by Shayna Bayzler to distract Becky. This achieves two things, gives Becky a rage that could play out later in the night, and sets up the rest of the horsewomen for their eventual battle. I say DO IT.
Winner: Asuka

AJ Styles VS Daniel Bryan (WWE Championship)
AJ Styles as champion while not a disappointment it wasn't as good as his chase for the title. Now Daniel Bryan as champion? That's something that we've been able to set our watch to. He is KILLING right now. From getting the word "fickle" over to calling out the generation of baby boomers everything he has done has been gold so far.
I think the money is keeping the title on Bryan and giving us, the fans, the Daniel Bryan title run that we have been clamoring for but head injuries deprived us.
Winner: Daniel Bryan

Finn Balor VS Brock Lesnar (Universal Championship)
This match is odd. Initially it was Brock vs Strowman but then Strowman made Vince angry so he's out and now Finn is in. Now don't get me wrong, your boy is a card carrying member of the Balor Club but a last minute switch just kinda nullifies all the Braun centered storylines from the last month.
Give us Balor Club you cowards!
Rumor has it Brock wanted to work with Balor so this does have me excited because a motivated beast is gonna give you a great match. And as much as I'd like to see Balor get his title back, it ain't happening now.
Winner: Lesnar

Women's Royal Rumble Match
In my opinion there are two possible winners of the Women's Rumble, Charlotte Flair or Becky Lynch. Given that the real money may be a Ronda-Becky main event at Mania I am leaning towards Becky Lynch. I am looking forward to the legends spots and some of the NXT call ups and of course all the Peyton Royce spots.
Peyton Royce Hive assemble!
Winner: Becky Lynch

Men's Royal Rumble Match
This one seems to be a no brainer, for the past year Seth Rollins has been carrying the Raw brand. With Roman Reigns out for the foreseeable future the money appears to be with a Brock-Seth match at Wrestlemania.
With all the suspense out I would imagine we'd see a strong showing by Drew McIntyre and of course the Kofi Kingston spot that always will amaze us.
Winner: Seth Rollins

Well folks there you have it, another successful prognostication by your boy! And who knows perhaps I'll even get one or two right! Everything is coming up Milhouse!

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

NXT Takeover: Phoenix Preview

Ah yes, another Takeover and another event that has been immaculately built. Even the match that is going to get the event started presumably could steal the show. I imagine some of these acts may be going into their final Takeover if we're being real as I would expect some of these acts to get called up after Wrestlemania. So that is going to affect how I, your trusted prognosticator will prognosticate! Without further adu, my picks.

Kassius Ohno VS Matt Riddle
Matt Riddle has no reason being as beloved as he is. He should be this hated pretty bro, but he comes across with this sincerity that makes me believe that the Matt Riddle who leads the "bro" chants is the same Riddle you get on his days off.
That has to drive Kassius Ohno insane. He's the perfect feud for the bro, he's possibly one of the greatest indy wrestlers ever and has a wrestling credibility that can't be denied. That said there is no doubt that Riddle is going to go over here as there have to be huge plans in the works for him.
Winner: Matt Riddle

Johnny Gargano VS Ricochet (North American Championship)
The puppet Gargano after being directed towards Ricochet has him firmly in his sights. This whole self delusional heel thing he is doing is really working for me. Like he still sees himself as the conquering hero when in reality he's just a scumbag now, driven insane by Ciampa.
While the Ricochet feud doesn't have much build, he can have a high quality match with well anyone. I think matches with this short of a build will have the champ retain.
Winner: Ricochet

The War Raiders VS The Undisputed Era (NXT Tag Team Championship)
I could see this one going either way. There is enough of a history here with the Raiders to justify having a title bout and they have been booked as strong as you possibly can so they are formidable.
What a dick.
The Era will probably have to use their speed and ability to exploit a moment's weakness to win this one although I wouldn't be surprised if the Infamous one himself Bobby Fish got involved and caused either a DQ finish or a less than clean win, keeping the feud going and the War Raiders strong.Winners: Undisputed Era

Bianca Belair VS Shayna Bayzler (NXT Women's Championship)
Now this match intrigues me. Bianca Belair is undefeated but clearly has been going against a lower caliber of opponent than Bayzler has.
Bayzler now has her two cronies who will no doubt be lurking. There is absolutely no doubt the bigger feud would be either Kairi Sane or Io Shirai for the NXT title. However, the way my stanning is set up, I will not be betting against Binky Belair.
Winner: Bianca Belair

Aleister Black VS Tommaso Ciampa (NXT Championship)
The era of Tommy Entertainment has been just that, entertaining. His run as a heel has just been masterful. And his constant puppeteerring of the man formerly known as Johnny Wrestling is going to ensure that he has someone potentially watching his back. His run as a heel has also given Aleister Black the foe he needed to take his character to the next level and not just occultist who shows up to kick people in the face.
Gotta keep your head on swivel.
He has been able to show off how he is a pretty good promo and uses just enough of the black magic feel he has to not come across as corny. As much as I love Black, I think the money is in Ciampa retaining and possibly reigniting a feud with Velveteen Dream maybe perhaps?
Winner: Ciampa

Well there you have it, my humble predictions for the next Takeover. As usual I will say they are probably wrong but either way you know they are going to tear the damn house down.

Friday, January 18, 2019

NBA Midseason Report and Hot Takes

Well we have reached the halfway point of the season and as predicted I don't know a damn thing about what is going to happen. That is not gonna stop me however from giving you, my fives of readers what you want...NAY! What you need! My unsolicited opinion!

Most Surprising Team:
Denver Nuggets
Uh what? Who chose the Nuggets to be at the time I write this to be one of the top two teams in the hyper competitive Western Conference. This is due in large part to Mr. Do Everything himself, Nikola Jokic. He leads the team in points, rebounds, assists and steals. He may have taken the title of best passing big man from Kevin Love this season with some of the dimes he's dropped.
When they finally get Michael Porter Jr and Isaiah Thomas on the court this team could be quite interesting and make them a squad to watch for years to come.

Most Surprising Player:
De'Aaron Fox-Sacramento Kings
Oh my damn Swipa.
I knew Fox was gonna be good when he was drafted last year, I didn't think he'd be this good so fast however. He's increased his scoring by 6 points per game, assists by 3 per game, almost doubled his steals, and is shooting 7 percentage points higher from three point range. He is making everyone (Puma included) that had Lonzo and Fultz ahead of him look quite foolish.

Most Disappointing Team
The Chicago Bulls
Ok, let's get this out the way. I had no delusions of grandeur about this Bulls team. I knew we were a lottery team but my Lord this is a damn embarrassment on a scale I thought was out of reach even for this train wreck of an organization. Coming into the season Sacramento appeared to be the worst run team, GarPax said "oh yeah? hold my beer." Ok let's just do a quick rundown of some of this foolishness.
Let's go live to the Berto Center.
-Fired Fred Hoiberg, and replaced him with Jim Boylen.-Players immediately revolted and almost sat out a game as a form of protest against him.
-Boylen didn't play Wendell Carter so he could learn. Learn what? Well that's to be determined.
-Gave Jabari Parker a 40 million dollar contract.
-By November they removed Jabari Parker from the rotation.
-By December it appeared his time with the team was up.
-By January he was back in the rotation.

It's just the All-Star break.

Most Disappointing Player
Andrew Wiggins- Minnesota Timberwolves
"We gotta play 4 quarters bruh?"
I'm not sure anyone had Wiggins being an MVP candidate but we at least hoped he would look like he wanted to be out there. If you watch a A T-Wolves game he has a dunk or two and may even post a good stat line from a cursory glance, I mean he is still averaging 17.8 points and 4.2 rebounds. The problem appears to be he could do so much more. The talent is undeniable, sometimes the effort leaves much to be desired. This season alone a deep dive into the analytics will show a troubling season. Of 470 players, Wiggins is 431st in value over replacement player (VORP), in terms of win shares, Wiggins is 301st. Wiggins is also 307th in box-plus/minus and 284th in PER, and 440th in offensive win shares. 
Capt. Jack is not here for play-play.
Also you gotta question his decision making when you take shots at Stephen Jackson.
Most Played Out Story
"The Redemption of Derrick Rose"
Derrick Rose used to be one of my favorite players. Then came the injuries, wiping out full seasons of his once surefire hall of fame trajectory he was on. While injured he was involved in a civil trial alleging he and a few friends raped an ex girlfriend. While he was found not guilty reading the details of the trial a few details unsettled me. He didn't seem to know what consent was and admitted that he and his friends did indeed have sex with an intoxicated woman. After scoring 50 points and having somewhat of a resurgent season there has been talks of him overcoming the odds. But...when the odds are from not knowing what consent is and potentially assaulting an ex-girlfriend I can't heap praise on the guy. I won't root against him on the court or wish ill to the man, but the days of me rooting for him have passed.

Most Important Player Who I Hate Seeing Play
James Harden- Houston Rockets
James Harden is one of the greatest players of his generation. A scoring guard that comes along once in a great while. However...watching him play is one of the most infuriating things I have ever seen. From the questionable step-backs to the generous foul calls he's quite effective at what he does but if you are not a Rockets fan it is one of the most annoying styles of play to watch. Again, this isn't hating on his skill set in the least, just the aesthetics of it. Guess that's why he is a top player of his generation and I am a self proclaimed genius.

Well there we have it folks, just a few thoughts from your boy on this season. Perhaps I'll actually get some of my preseason thoughts correct or perhaps James Harden will keep step backing all over my predictions! Jerk.

Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 Sit Your Ass Down Grand Champion

Hi, I'm the Chocolate Puma. You may remember me from such as posts as calling out the sentient boil on the ass of American journalism Megyn Kelly out for her many transgressions over the years  or from laughing at the fact Bill Cosby is spending years in prison for his crimes..
Me when I realized I hadn't given the people what they need.
I'd like to take a moment and thank you, the fives of readers for enjoying or at the very least tolerating your boy. Now that we got that out the way I decided to name to you, the person who above all needs to grab that royal Ethan Allen and grab a seat.
Lena Dunham! You bring your wonky ass up here and grab this seat and sit your ass down!
I lied about a sexual assault victim, give me my cover story! 
Where do I even begin with this ridiculous person. Oh I know! How about when instead of supporting a victim of abuse on her show she instead smeared said victim, lied about it, then basically goes "My bad" in a damn guest spot for the Hollywood Reporter. Like the gall to sit there, and write out this long ridiculous ass apology and get applauded for it.

That's pretty bad, what else are you holding against her. Well hold tight buddy because heee comes the lightning round.

*The time she accused Odell Beckham of deciding she wasn't up to his standards and didn't want to sleep with her. All of this because he actually just stayed on his phone and didn't bother her.

*The time she wished she had an abortion.

*The time she created a whole ass version of a major urban city with nary a brown person in sight.

I could go on and on, and frankly I won't even get into her book she wrote which is chock full of moments where you're yelling at the pages which further cements my extreme dislike of the aforementioned Ms. Dunham. I seriously have a visceral reaction when I see her name because I know where she goes, ridiculous assclownery is sure to follow.

Well with that said, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year's, stay safe, and remember in 2019 I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Thursday, December 27, 2018

30 Years of the Simpsons? Ay Caramba!

While listening to one of my favorite podcasts it was brought to my attention that a certain show just had it's 30th anniversary. That's right folks the greatest television show of all time, The Simpsons. No, I will not debate this. The first 11 seasons were pure GOLD. That's 248 episodes of just episodic perfection. In honor of this I am going to give you...just a few of my favorite moments. What? Did you think I was gonna give you 30 moments? This is free content baby.

Best One Time Character:
Hank Scorpio
South Park had a joke a few years ago about how the Simpsons had already done everything we're seeing today. Turns out it is like that with people as well because damned if they didn't give us Elon Musk all the way back in 1996. The super friendly and also maniacally mad super villain had some amazing one liners. From throwing his shoes out the door in the middle of a fun run to blowing up bridges as a means of intimidation, Scorpio was an amazing use of Albert Brooks. And he gave Homer the Denver Broncos! What a guy.

Best Random Conversation:

I absolutely lose it whenever I see this. I mean it's just so damn ridiculous, who is Mabel?! I have incorporated this saying into my day to day life so much that if you spend any amount of time with me I will probably have quoted this.

The Line I'm Most Likely to Use and Annoy My Wife:
Boy I tell you it could any of the thousands of lines I use daily but the one that I am quite positive elicits an eyeroll is when I quote Marge being shocked at 8 spices being in a spice rack and with a shocked and confused look as she picks one up and reads the label is pure gold.

Most Underrated Character:
Abe Simpson

Without a doubt the senile old coot that raised Homer is by far the most underrated character in my eyes. Not to mention some of the lines he drops, my God, hyseterical. Sometimes he doesn't even have to say anything, just his walking in the room is enough to make me lose it. You know what I'm talking about. Oh you don't?
Just amazing. Never change Abraham, never change.

Best Kent Brockman Lines:
It's hard to choose one. So I won't.

The Line I'm Most Likely to Say At A BBQ Spot:

Best Song In An Episode:

This episode in itself is perfection. A mix of great cameos, a ridiculous premise, and Homer getting the win in an embarrassing fashion. The song was just the cherry on top of a delicious sundae.

Best Advice Given:
I think the best part of this advice is that it was given to Homer on his wedding day. Ladies and gentlemen Abe Simpson is the GOAT for a damn reason!

Well I am sure I left some of your favorite moments off but this is what came to mind and made me laugh extremely hard.