Thursday, February 9, 2017

February's If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down Award!

Ah yes here we are, February is upon us and that means it's time for my "If You Don't Sit Yo Ass Down" Award. There have been no shortage of contenders for this prestigious award and I really have spent a good amount of time trying to decide who would receive the Golden Seat. It came down to two people so I'll highlight the silver medalist in this Olympics of dumbassery.

Come grab your runner up prize Mitch McConnell you turtle faced bastard.
Said the senator about his upcoming race, "Slow and steady, easy does it."
I have had quite a problem with the esteemed senator from Kentucky for quite a while. This week he decided to up his cartoonish super villain type of shenanigans when he decided to silence Elizabeth Warren. Mitch McConnell looks like he was Mason Verger's stunt double in "Hannibal."
The resemblance is uncanny.
So whether it's willfully not working to do what's best for the American people or doing his best to sound like an Emperor Palpatine reject, Ol' Mitchy here can have all of the seats.

Now on to the cherry in this shit sundae. I present to you, the person whom I wish would line right up and pick up this lovely seat so he can sit his ass firmly down....DAN FOUTS! Get your bearded ass up here so you can sit your ass down!
He can finally say he won something! 
Now I guess Mr. Fouts can share this award with the rest of the ass clowns who did not vote Terrell Owens into the Hall of Fame but since he was the most vocal to speak out he can the one who can have a seat. First off let's get this out the way, T.O. was an ass clown.
I'll admit, this was pretty fun.
That being said he was also one of the most physically dominant NFL players of his era. The Hall of Fame isn't the teammate Hall of Fame, it's based on numbers. And T.O. put up numbers. Over 1,000 receptions, 10,000 receiving yards, and 153 receiving touchdowns. He was a 6 time Pro Bowler and 5 times was All NFL First Team. HOW IS THAT NOT HALL OF FAME WORTHY?!?! According to Ol' Danny Boy:
"I think his numbers are very worthy, but again on the other side of it, I think his actions on and off the field, on the sidelines, in the locker room, and the fact he played for so many teams and was such a great player, the question that comes back to me is if he was such a great player, why did so many of those teams get rid of him? And I think we all know the answers."
What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking. About. I'm not gonna pretend he wasn't a headache for teams, possibly why he moved around a though a ton of those moves came well after his prime. I mean we're not gonna punish Jerry Rice for ending up on the Seahawks practice squad are we? Also, what off the field actions? For all his on the field antics which mainly consisted of celebrating a touchdown, he has never so much as gotten a speeding ticket off the field. In fact he is one of the guys that should be propped up for seemingly being a decent human off the field. I'd rather have a headache in the locker room than a perfect teammate like say, oh I don't know Darren Sharper.

So stop with this fake moral policing and be honest with us Dan. Just say you don't like the man because you don't hear a single word when some crooked owner is up for induction. So for all your mental gymnastics and making yourself the face of irrational logic I present you with this Danny.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

What President Obama Meant To The Puma



As I sit to write this we are in the waning days of the Obama presidency I am sure there will be many think pieces on how he was an unmitigated failure or how he was the greatest president of all time. 

The first ever ball is life president
I’ll leave those to people much smarter than I to hash out. What I would like to do however is say what the man meant to me, so if you’re gonna read this and comment on how he is a socialist or a Kenyan Muslim who is intent on killing our grandparents this is where you get off. 

I first heard the man when I was in high school. He came and spoke and I was just in awe with how calm and relaxed he was, he was unlike any other speaker we had before. At the time he was a state senator and I thought to myself “wow, maybe this guy can be mayor one day.” Even that seemed like a long shot. I’d see him around Hyde Park, give a head nod and he’d return it in kind. I’ll be able to tell my kid I shared the universal sign of respect between two black men with the man who would be president. 

Fast forward a few years and he was running for US Senate. I was at North Park University when a debate between him and Alan Keyes took place. I skipped Journalism that night (Sorry Dave) and tried to get in. While unsuccessful I did get to see Alan Keyes as he left, I extended my hand to shake his, he walked right by. A few minutes later Obama strolled out, I extended my hand and lo and behold he hit a brother with the intricate dap and pull in.  The homie Barry hadn’t gotten too Hollywood on us.

After a rousing speech at the Democratic Convention and winning a seat in the US Senate there were murmurs that he could be a great candidate for President. I laughed. Then I thought what if he won? Nah it would never work I remember thinking. I have never been so happy to be wrong.
I remember sitting in Grant Park that night with my friends Julia, Kelly and Cooper anxiously awaiting the results.
Moments before the tears started flowing.
As it became more and more evident that he was about to become the 44th President of the United States, anger inside me grew. I was mad at him for having his speech outside. I sat there so scared that I was going to watch some psycho take away this representation of hope and joy. It’s a fear that I still have to this day if we’re being quite honest. I was so angry and scared, but he was and remains to this day so hopefully optimistic. It’s a trait I wish I had. 

Whether you like the man or not, I think we can all agree that he put up with more than any other president has before him. He had his wife called names and likened to animals, people who I’m not sure can read past a 3rd grade level asking to see his college transcripts, his beautiful daughters called everything but their names, even questioning if he was a true citizen of this country. He could have said “kiss my ass” as I would have done but he handled it with style and grace.
He worked with a congress that before he uttered a single word as commander in chief publicly made it known that their sole mission was to make him a one term president. He dealt with more threats against his life than anyone else and through it all he has kept his optimism and faith in the American people.

I remember as a young kid, I must have been 8 or so, I said in class that I wanted to be president. A kid turned around, looked at me and said “black people can’t be president.” After Barack Obama my kid will know that nothing, not even the presidency is unattainable.
You can be a guy with a funny name, who loves hip-hop, and is an unabashed basketball fanatic and you can be president. That representation matters.

While I can’t speak for every black person or tell them how they should feel I for one am happy to have had him as a president.And for one last time let us all lock arms, and swag surf to the old negro spiritual one last time.


Thursday, January 12, 2017

January's If You Don't Sit Yo Ass Down Award!



Ah welcome back my loyal tens of readers; it’s a new year and the same ridiculous Puma here. I’d like to say that as I’ve grown older I am more measured and more mature. I’d like to say that. The truth is I am as petty as I have ever been. In fact I’d say as I grow older my super power has been my pettiness. It’s in this spirit that I present to you the first person to receive what will be a monthly installment I hope. I present to you January’s recipient of the “If You Don’t Sit Your Ass Down Award.”

This month’s recipient is a man that needs a bit of an introduction because frankly before this incident no one remembered or had heard of him. Bo Bice…Get yo ass up here so you can sit your ass down! 
If you don't get the...
If you are unaware why he may be receiving this prestigious award, I’ll bring you up to speed. Mr. Bice went to a Popeye’s, ordered food and was insulted and shall I say massively disrespected by the slur “white boy.” Wait… what? Hold on a second. 

Ok so let me get this straight, this wing ding is on tv literally crying because a Popeye's cashier said the horribly offensive line “He’s already got his — that white boy there.” He further went on to say: "If the tables had been turned and I used something as insensitive like that… I would be boycotted, there would be people not buying my albums." Hate to break the news to you champ but they weren't buying your albums anyway. Is this guy serious? Let me tell you I've been to that airport and he got off lucky if that's all he was called. 

Jokes aside, so you got your feelings hurt because she said you were a white boy? Bo, buddy, pal, being called white isn't a slur, or was it the boy part, the point is calm your crying ass down. At work I got called a nigger. This wasn't some long time ago, this was September. Hell last week I had another person ask me to teach them how to speak in ebonics. While not many come right out with the "n" bomb, little microagressions like the ebonics line are a daily occurrence. And guess what sport, I'm not special in this regard. I can't even tell you what a minority woman goes through as they get hit with the daily double of racism and sexism.

“Look through the comments of hate and ignorance that have been pouring in and tell me there isn’t a problem with race relations going on in our society, folks.”
You make a good point Bo, there is a problem with relations in this country, unfortunately for you this ain't it. I hope you cry just as hard when studies show black men with college degrees have the same chances for hire that fresh out of prison white men  or when banks use discriminatory lending practices that harm minorities. If you don't then by all means feel free to use this:


Monday, December 19, 2016

College Athletes Owe You Not One Dime.



One of the things that drives me absolutely insane is an unearned sense of entitlement. Today’s culprits of exhibiting such behavior would be college football fans and writers who are dusting off their moral soap boxes to condemn Christian McCaffrey who has decided to sit out the very prestigious* Sun Bowl. 
He has a few more of these in him for free right?
Now I’ve gone on record numerous times saying that college athletes should be paid and not to be repetitive but if you want guys to play in a meaningless game then you should…PAY THEM. If you don’t pay them, you can’t be mad at them when they take the necessary steps to prepare for the next phase of their career. 

But Puma, they get paid in an education you may be saying. I will counter with this. Say you have a student who is on an academic scholarship. This student is also a teacher’s assistant. Now because this student is providing a service to the university they are given a stipend. The athlete is doing the same thing.
Nothing to see here...
They are providing a service to the university because merchandise; concessions and ticket sales bring in big dollars. But because there is no respect for athletes and they’re seen in a lot of cases as idiots lucky to be on campus, they should shut up and not look out for themselves. 

Even former players are chiming in on this ridiculous non story. Ezekiel Elliott, currently killing it for the Dallas Cowboys said “I would do anything to play one more time with my brothers in that scarlet and gray.” That’s funny to me because he could be playing in college right now had he not gone pro early. 
Run and get paid young man.
I’m not knocking that decision just as he shouldn’t knock McCaffrey or Leonard Fournette for taking care of their bodies and deciding to sit out a meaningless bowl game to get ready for the NFL combine. 

Also I’m not sure if people know this but you can get really hurt playing football. I know it was surprising to me too. 
A sight no one wants to see.
Just google Jaylon Smith. He was projected to be a top 5 pick which would have at worst given him a 4 year fully guaranteed contract worth 23.5 million dollars.  Then in a bowl game that ultimately was meaningless, he destroyed his knee, dropped to the second round and received a contract of 4 years, 6.5 million dollars with 4.5 million guaranteed. Now after seeing that how anyone can be against a kid protecting his interests and his family's interests?

I love to watch college football, truly I do, but if a guy who is putting his body on the line and not being fairly compensated wants to put himself first for a change Young Puma respects it. As we see with coaches leaving at the drop of hat it appears the athletes are finally realizing that loyalty in the eyes of the NCAA is a one way street.

*Not prestigious at all, actually ridiculous.*

Friday, December 9, 2016

The 2 Cold Scorpio Year End Awards of Excellence

Another trip around the sun almost completed and you know what that means...time for year end lists galore! This year I have decided to write one of my mildly recognized posts about the sweet science of professional wrestling. I have named my year end award after one of my favorite wrestlers from my childhood, the ridiculously athletic and always entertaining 2 Cold Scorpio.  
How could I not be a fan?

Rookie of the Year:
Matt Riddle (Evolve)
The master of the bromission is a legit badass as he began his career as an MMA fighter for UFC. He has easily made the transition to the world of professional wrestling and is currently tearing it up for Evolve Wrestling. He has the personality, style, and pedigree as a believable badass that no doubt will lead him to the WWE sooner rather than later.
Dear Lord.

Most Improved Wrestler:
The Revival (NXT)
This is a little bit of cheating as this is a tag team but hey I'll allow it. Dash and Dawson were two floundering acts in NXT when they were paired together and thus the Revival was born. A throwback to the old days of wrestling when as they would say "no flips, just fists." They are a modern day Brainbusters. Using old school moves and just flat out common sense usually they dominated the NXT tag team scene. Also their finisher, the Shatter Machine, is one of the best tag team finishers I have seen in quite a while.


Best Heel:
The Miz (WWE)
Ok before you rip my head off think about it. The job of a heel is to aggravate and annoy your baby faces and crowd. Who does that better than the Miz? From his cocky Hollywood persona to his constant use of his wife as a distraction to win, there has not been a better heel than the Miz. Seriously, watch him verbally eviscerate everyone's favorite Daniel Bryan on the mic so bad that people though that this was real. 


Best Face:
Bayley (WWE)
 Sweet wholesome Bayley (aka wrestling bae #2) was a no brainer for the best face of WWE. The plucky under dog who was always a fan and is living her dream. While she is a ridiculously talented wrestler and her and wrestling bae #1 Sasha Banks have put on classics, it's her infectious smile and happiness, not to mention her motto of "hug life" that ensures she is the face of the women's division for many years to come.

Wrestler of the Year: 
Kenny Omega (New Japan)
There was no doubt in my mind when I was trying to decide who would be my wrestler of the year. Kenny Omega seized control of the Bullet Club in January and has been on a remarkable run which I wouldn't be surprised ended with a world title run. The Cleaner made an amazing run in New Japan's biggest tournament and turned in a classic against Hiroki Goto in the finals. Not to mention he is completely into his own gimmick.
Don't mind The Cleaner.

Top 3 Matches of the Year:
3. Cedric Alexander vs Kota Ibushi (Cruiserweight Classic)
For years Cedric Alexander has been a good wrestler. This year he became a great wrestler. He left Ring of Honor, lost 30 pounds and became a cruiserweight. Against one of the hottest free agents in the world Kota Ibushi I knew it would be good, I was wrong. This was flat out amazing. For 20 minutes they went back and forth trading acrobatic moves and power moves until Ibushi was able to finally put away Alexander with the Golden Star Power Bomb. 5 stars all around.


2. Shinuske Nakamura vs Samoa Joe (Takeover: Brooklyn)
Nakamura is one of my favorite wrestlers in the world and if Samoa Joe is motivated there is no better monster heel in the world. What happened in Brooklyn was a hard hitting, jaw dropping display of the stiff Japanese style that both wrestlers have become famous for. Although my favorite part may have been Nakamura's entrance accompanied by a live violinist. Quite apropos for the man known as Swagsuke.

1. Kenny Omega vs Tetsuya Naito (New Japan G1 Climax)
As you can tell I am a huge fan of Kenny Omega, Naito I was less familiar with but damn I am all in now. He is the leader of the faction Los Ingobernables de Japon translated to the Ungovernables, a group who could care less about wins and losses and more about chaos. Together they put together a completely dynamic and unpredictable match in the semis of the G1 Climax tourney. Naito was quite adept at reversing many of Omega's moves and for my money no one in the world mixes power and acrobatic moves better than Omega. By far my favorite match of the year.
Holy. Crap.
Well there you have it. Maybe I'll crank out some more posts before the year's end but if not allow me to say it's been real 2016. May 2017 be gentle, please for the love of God be gentle.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The What If All Stars



So I was sitting and the news came across that Rob Gronkowski had another back injury that was going to potentially keep him out for 2 months. This made me think about historically could he be on his way to the “What If” All-Stars. Now this is a sad list of people that you always preface their career with “what if they stayed healthy.” And as my mind is wont to do it wandered over to basketball and who could be considered the NBA’s version of this. So without further ado I present to you, the NBA all time starting 5 of What If All Stars.

Point Guard: Penny Hardaway
Growing up Michael Jordan was my favorite basketball player. Coming in right behind him was Penny Hardaway.

He was a modern day Magic Johnson. A 6’7 point guard who was able to score at will if he wanted to, but seemed to find more joy in setting up teammates to score. But after a trade to Phoenix he was plagued with feet injuries before having two microfracture surgeries on his knees effectively ending the explosive playmaker we had grown accustomed to seeing. 

Shooting Guard: Ron Harper
When people talk about Ron Harper now they think of the veteran who came in and played great defense and was the starting point guard on the greatest team in NBA history (shout out to the 96 Chicago Bulls) I think few realize that he was a pretty dynamic scoring guard in his own right. Easily averaging over 20 points a game with Cleveland and later on the Clippers, an acl tear zapped him of the explosiveness that was so integral to his game.

Small Forward: Drazen Petrovic
Drazen was already killing it in Europe before coming to the NBA but when he got here….man. When he became a starter in New Jersey after a brief stint in Portland Petrovic was that dude. Averaged over 20 points and more than held his own against the elite players of the league. Unfortunately a car accident extinguished his flame before we ever truly got to see how great he could be. 

Power Forward: Len Bias
You want someone who could do it all? Len Bias could do it all. Without a doubt a once in a generation player the man who could defend, rebound, shoot, dunk, and even tape ankles if you needed him to was going to extend the Celtics reign of dominance. Instead a cocaine overdose ensured that he would never get that opportunity to truly showcase his skills. He was  only 22 years old.

Center: Greg Oden

Talking about a man amongst boys, Greg Oden completely overpowered the college game from a defensive stand point and was beginning to do so from an offensive stand point.It was a no brainer that he was the top overall pick. Then as was the case with another Portland draft pick Sam Bowie, the injuries began to pile up. Zapped of his mobility and footwork he became a slow plodding player who never really recovered. 

Well there you have it. Guys who had things gone another way could have altered the landscape of the NBA but alas we shall ever know.