Wednesday, May 4, 2016

My Long Overdue Wrestling Post

There’s something you all should know about me. From my comic book obsession to waking up early on Sunday mornings (albeit with some assistance from my dog, shout out to Trotter) to watch Mysteries at the Museum and whatever documentary is playing I have fully accepted this as one of my core personality traits. One of my nerdier or less adult passions would be professional wrestling.  Yes I know it’s staged, and no I don’t care. Given this fact, I have decided that as a favor to all of you who don’t watch it as fervently as I do, I’m going to give you the 5 wrestlers you may not know but might want to give a look at.

5.  Ricochet aka Prince Puma
Holy crap, this guy does moves that you literally won’t believe. Currently wrestling in New Japan (among other places) as Ricochet and as Prince Puma in Lucha Underground he constantly causes you to rewind over and over again. Seriously look at this:
I could do that if I wanted to, I just don't want to.
 Ri-goddamn-diculous.  Already a grizzled young vet with 9 years of experience at 27 years old he really makes me seem lazy as by 27 I had only amassed an unspectacular dvd collection.

4. Kazuchika Okada
The Rainmaker as he is known in New Japan is probably my favorite non WWE wrestler now that Shinsuke Nakamura is dominating at NXT. Okada is reminiscent to a younger Randy Orton in that there are no wasted movements in the ring. He is a spectacular showman as he poses and money with his face on it rains on the crowd. At only 28 this is a person who could be the face of New Japan wrestling for years to come. Also anyone who throws a clothesline like this will always have a place in my heart.

3. Zach Sabre Jr.

Britain's answer to Daniel Bryan, Sabre combines hard hitting strikes with technical prowess. Most known for his 2008 match with Daniel Bryan, then wrestling as the American Dragon Bryan Danielson, he was only 19 years old and took the best technical wrestler in the world to the limit and he has only gotten better in the 8 years since. In the comming months he will be participating the Global Cruiserweight Series being held by the WWE. Something tells me he won't be unknown to the masses much longer.

2. Jay Lethal
He may be my favorite non WWE wrestler if not for the man coming in at number one. He had two of my favorite gimmicks of all time when he wrestled in TNA. One as Black Machismo, a Macho Man clone essentially and as basically a Black Ric Flair. Seriously check out his impersonation. It's amazing.

Since moving on from there he has become a world champion at Ring of Honor and a dominant one at that. He has an exciting moveset and charisma that has the crowd either cheering out of control or wanting to run him down with their car.

1. Kenny Omega
Without a doubt the most entertaining wrestler on this list. Currently he is the leader of the wildly popular Bullet Club and has the nickname of "The Cleaner." He comes to ring with a broom to sweep out his trash opponents. Seriously.
Once in the ring he is wildly reminiscent of Brian Pillman. He can pull off moves of people who are much smaller, and power people with moves you usually see from much larger wrestlers. He is truly a 5 tool player if we're mixing analogies. Also he once fought a child. I can respect that.

Well there you have it. A non soul crushing post that I actually enjoyed writing. Now if you'll all excuse me I'm going to play with my dog and try not to wake my wife up as I'm sure he is going to begin barking soon.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Kinda Not Feeling The Bern

I have debated writing this for a while because every day it gets harder and harder to ignore this feeling.  It’s quite possible I’ll disappoint or even lose some friends with this one but frankly I gotta say it. I am not feeling the Bern. There I said it. Very little of why I feel this way is actually the fault of Bernie Sanders however. I feel this way because if I have any gripe whatsoever with Saint Bernie I get throngs of people basically telling me why I am wrong to have the concerns I do. Here are my three biggest pet peeves when Bernie Sanders is mentioned.
1.     The 1994 Crime Bill and his infamous speech.
We get it. Hillary Clinton is not the most trust worthy. And her super predator comments…ehhhh…quite reprehensible. But let’s not forget who actually voted for this bill. That’s right, one Bernard Sanders. I keep seeing that he gave a passionate speech on the floor but he still voted in favor of it. In fact he even touted it on his own website as proof that he supports tough on crime legislation. Don't believe me? Well...BAM. If he was so against the crime bill why use it as a prop to show how tough on crime you are?

2.     His celebrity endorsers.
Sweet lord his celebrity endorsers who away from politics I am big fans of have really worked my nerves. One of them would be, and it kills me to say this is Killer Mike. He gives a passionate speech about how the benevolent Senator gave up the mic and allowed Black Lives Matter protestors to speak, giving them the stage, and how he LISTENED to them.  This actually ignores what actually happened. Don’t believe me? Let’s hear it from the protester herself.  And then there are people like Cornel West who questions the blackness and ethics of any civil rights icons who don’t worship at the altar of Bernie such as John Lewis. Look here Mr. West, you can disagree with people all you want, but what we won’t be doing is questioning the dedication of one John Lewis to eradicating racism.

3.     His interactions with Black Lives Matter and any topic of race really.
Ah, and we have arrived to the elephant in the room. My biggest pet peeve is that whenever the topic of race is brought up Bernie pivots so hard back to the economy I’m worried one day he is going to tear an Achilles. The answer to the problem of systemic racism isn’t to just get a job. Someone who marched with Dr. King should know that. 
Speaking of marching with Dr. King, uh if that’s all you have to say then miss me with it. MLK is not some magical race pokemon you can throw out if someone disagrees with you. That happened over 50 years ago, we’re talking about today champ.
Now the point of all this isn't to throw my support behind Hillary because frankly not too excited on that end either, but if you don't plan on voting for her you don't get the label of "uninformed voter."Now if you’re a Bernie Supporter by all means I am not trying to sway you. But please when or if I question something about the man don't bring up Hillary, I'm talking about Bernie. Bernie is a grown ass man who should be able to answer a question a potential voter has for him.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

In Rememberance of the Greatest Black History Month Ever

Well the month of February has come to an end and I for one am extremely sad. Why are you sad you may be asking?  Well kind reader I’m glad you asked. With the universe seemingly playing an endless game of “Fucking with black people” (Shout out to the Black Guy Who Tips) Black History Month rolled through and holy hot damn…IT WAS THE BLACKEST BLACK HISTORY MONTH OF ALL TIME! Oh don’t believe me? Allow the old Puma of Chocolate descent to give you the 5 blackest moments of my favorite month in a long time.

5. Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers
The new official image of black history month.
Now while they didn’t win the Super Bowl (had they this would be number 1) the Panthers and more specifically Cam Newton were so unapologetically black it made me jump on their bandwagon so fast I damn near tore an ACL. When in recent history have you ever heard a quarterback make an analogy about cooking collard greens moments after winning the then biggest game of his career.
Never change Cam. Never change.

4. The police brutality episode of ‘Blackish’
Seriously watch this monologue from Anthony Anderson. I don’t think you’ll find a black person that didn’t have these same feelings. 

3.  #TrapCovers
We’ve seen the corny covers of hip hop songs for years. Well thanks to the beautiful people of Black Twitter those corny covers have finally met their match. Don’t believe me? I defy you not to get hyped up at some of these:

2. Beyonce and Formation
The Saturday before the Super Bowl Beyonce came out and just destroyed the streets with her “Formation” video. Well surely she wouldn’t come out at the Super Bowl and just hijack Coldplay’s performance would she? Oh no, that’s exactly what she did. And then on one of the grandest stages of them all she brought out this black girl magic and young Puma was all about it.  Basically I made the Blue Ivy face during the entire performance.
When it's black girl time shut up and be glad you're on the ride.
 My condolences to Coldplay who thought they would be remembered for performing at the halftime show.

1.     Kendrick Lamar at the Grammy’s.
I mean just look at all this blackness.  I don’t even have words. I do have this lady’s face which makes me so irrationally happy.
 Bonus: 106-year-old Virginia McLaurin dancing with the Obamas. 
Seriously if you can look at this and not immediately make an audible awww then you have literally no soul. 

Alright, I'm out. I just have one request...please be gentle March.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Peyton Manning is Kind of the Worst

I have been watching football for most of my life and I can count on one hand the number of players that have been as universally beloved as Peyton Manning. Now that I have had the benefit of hindsight I have firmly come to the conclusion that Peyton Manning is kind of a douche nozzle. I feel like this is something that isn’t touched on enough. He is portrayed as the hyper intelligent, funny guy who you’d love to hang out with. I will however submit to you my top 3 reasons for believing Peyton Manning is in fact the Nickelback of quarterbacks. 

3. He is probably chock full of HGH, steroids, and maybe even goat placenta.
One of the greatest baseball players of all time has never failed a drug test yet it is accepted as fact that Barry Bonds took steroids. The main piece of evidence? The size of his head. Well using that same logic I don’t know what Peyton has been using but sweet brown baby Jesus it is effective.
Big but somewhat normal.
The size of his forehead has damn near tripled but I’m supposed to believe after all the neck surgeries and his arm having the power of a solar powered child size pinwheel I’m supposed to believe he is clean? Nah. 

2. He is friends with Papa John.
The first person after having his carcass dragged to a Super Bowl victory he goes to? Papa John.
"Hey Peyton...c'mere...I wanna kiss you."
Not Von Miller. Not DeMarcus Ware. Not even Malik Jackson. He went to that insufferable ass clown Papa John and kissed him. The same man who showed up at a Louisville game quite hammered and had a major temper tantrum about Obamacare. Birds of a feather perhaps?

1. He put his taint on a trainer!
I mean...he put his taint...on...a trainer. Like right on her forehead. Who the hell does that? And spare me the "it was in college, he's grown up" talk. If Cam Newton is forever judged for buying a stolen laptop as a freshman at University of Florida then Peyton gotta get this work. And the story he came up with? I was mooning someone across the room? When someone is groin level checking your injuries? We don't believe you, you need more people! 

I am sure there are more reasons but these are the reasons that I thought of first. I'm sure people will call me a hater which, congratulations you finally realized that. Alright I'm out.


Friday, January 22, 2016

Let the Hating Commence!

I’d like to wish a happy 2016 to all the tens of people who peruse this lovely blog. This is the first post of the New Year and inspired by my good friend Tim I am going to take his advice and sic my rapier wit on some unsuspecting person at least once a month. And since he came up with the idea the first group to catch there verbal hands will be… THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES! It’s so many of these clowns that it’s going to be quick hateful points rapid fire style on the top two candidates because frankly they are the most ridiculous and deserving of what’s about to happen.

This is not a political debate. What this is going to be is petty and immature jokes that most may not find funny but will delight me immensely.

First up…Ted Cruz.
Seriously...look at this idiot.
Oh Teddy…you have without a doubt the most punchable face that I have ever encountered in my 32 years on this earth. The fact you don’t have to make weekly trips to the emergency room due to the sheer number of people who should be punching and or kicking your facial region is astounding. Ted Cruz is what happens when the astoundingly mediocre get too many compliments. I would rather adopt and raise the demon spawn of Guy Fieri and Iggy Azalea before I would even consider shaking Ted Cruz’s hand. He has the face that only a mother would hesitate to smother. Ted Cruz is basically a Nickelback album if it were a real person.

Now the main event on to the main event…Donald Trump.
The worst thing to happen to America since polio.
This is something that has been said by many people but that doesn’t mean it’s any less true, Donald Trump is what would happen if the comment section on the internet was a person. Here is a man who has said on numerous occasions how hot his daughter is…and that is still not the worst thing about him. Trump has the personality of a cartoonish super villain without the grip on reality. He has the physique of man whose body is 83% meatloaf. His hair is the envy of the tufts of dust under your bed that one day dream of being in the national spotlight. Donald Trump has single handedly ruined more minds than syphilis and CTE combined. While I do not condone violence, never has there been a man more worthy of a groin shattering kick than this ass clown. I would rather crawl a mile in broken glass in a lemon juice tsunami than spend one minute with a man who’s ego can only be described as the definition of overcompensating for something.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew. Boy did that feel good to get off my chest. I do believe that this is something that I will continue. So look out people, a man who drinks whiskey and has a long running blog with few readers could viciously attack you with words that will never get back to you.

Friday, December 4, 2015

The State of Helplessness In America

I’ve debated writing this for a while now. I’ve sat down so many times to write this but conveying this point I guess makes people uncomfortable. If you go back through the archives of anything I've written you’ll notice a common theme. I have always spoken out against police brutality. It’s something I am passionate about seeing come to an end. And in each post I have ever written I’ve always said this is not anti-police. So as I write about police over reach again allow me to reiterate…I AM NOT ANTI POLICE. What I am is sick and tired everyday of looking on the news and hearing of an unarmed person being shot down. And frankly anyone who reads this should also be damn tired of seeing and hearing it as well.

I’m afraid of the police. There I said it. I know the vast majority of police are brave individuals who are out to do their job and go home to their family. However when I see the case of Laquan McDonald play out how can I not be terrified? I watched the police shoot a guy who was only armed with a 3 inch pocket knife 16 times. Many of those shots came after he was already on the ground. And to make matters worse they actively tried to cover up their crime by lying about the victim, then deleting incriminating footage.

How am I supposed to trust these guys? 

Just a week ago I’m heading home from work and get pulled over. I do so. Before even asking for my ID I get asked why I am wearing a suit and “did I just come from court?” No sir I reply, just coming from work.  He takes my license, leaves me to sit for about 20 minutes and comes back. At this point I still have no idea why I’ve been pulled over. He comes back, asks where I work and leaves me for another 10 minutes.  The fear in my heart was at an all-time high. He comes back, hands me my license and makes a joke. And that was it. 

That wasn’t my only time being terrified out of my mind. You see every day when I go to work I put on a nice suit, strut around with my Ric Flair walk and generally look and carry myself the exact way these idiots who say I’m over reacting should act.  Well, a few months ago I had to take a ride out in a luxury automobile to grab marketing supplies for an event. I put my dealer plates on and pull out of the dealership. A cop immediately pulls up behind me. I signal and move over; he changes lanes and gets right behind me. After following me for about 10 minutes I took my phone out and turned the camera on and began recording my ride.  I thankfully got to my destination parked and got out the car. As I walked to the front door of the destination I look back and notice the same car slowly riding by and I caught eyes with him.

I thought this would be the end of my terrifying ride but that was not the case. As I left and walked back to the car I noticed the same car sitting on the street.  I pulled out the parking lot and the car began to follow me again. It was then I turned my camera back on and began to loudly talk, proclaiming I didn’t have any weapons, I wasn’t under the influence of anything and I was obeying the speed limit. He followed me all the way back to work. I literally wanted to cry in that fancy car and suit that people keep telling you will keep you safe from this kind of thing.  I was so angry, so sad, I felt in a word helpless.

As I sat there, dressed impeccably, respectful to the max, my thoughts weren't "oh he was just doing his job." What justification did this guy have for following me for over 40 minutes? And what makes me feel even more helpless is that even though I have given a detailed glimpse into the world as I see it, people will probably think I am over reacting. It tells me you can read this, not believe me, and tell me my fears aren’t as valid as someone else. 

In a word it makes me feel helpless. I’m sure someone will read this and hit me with an “All Lives Matter” or how hard and dangerous a cop’s job is. 

I don’t deny either of those truths. I just want to know why you deny mine.