Friday, December 27, 2013

30 Years of Excellence

This piece is a little late but hey when you’re my age you should get a little leeway. What age is that you may be asking? Since I last angrily pounded on a keyboard your hero, the Puma of Chocolate persuasion hit a robust thirty years old. And over the course of thirty years I have learned a few things. So now in painstaking detail I present to you….the most important thing I learned every year of my existence!

Age 1: Man, I get a pretty good response by chewing on these photo albums…I think I’ll keep doing that.

Age 2: Glue tastes pretty good. Who knew?

Age 3: Chicken nuggets are the height of culinary excellence.

Age 4: I am the baddest man on the planet when it comes to big wheels son.

Age 5: The Smurfs is quite possibly the best TV show of all time.

Age 6: Man that Home Alone kid is the hero we all need.

Age 7: There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to be the guy who replaces Michael Jordan. No doubt.

Age 8: A correction on an earlier realization, pizza rolls are the true height of culinary excellence.

Age 9: My grandmother passed away and I learned that life isn’t fair.

Age 10: Still pretty sure that I am going to be the starting shooting guard for the Bulls.

Age 11: Stripes look amazing on me. Keep it up young man.

Age 12: The era of Cross Colours will never end!

Age 13: Uh people in Chicago are quite different from people in Mississippi.

Age 14: High school couldn't possibly be that awkward.
Nah...Wasn't awkward at all.

Age 15: I am noticing this growth spurt isn't really happening; maybe I should not bank on being on the Bulls in three years.

Age 16: I am pretty sure I know everything ever. No need for advice MOM!

Age 17: FUBU. Now that’s something with some staying power!

Age 18: I had a gun pulled on me twice this year and both times by the police. I better keep my head on a swivel.

Age 19: Tequila is not your friend; I repeat tequila is not your friend.
"Hey...buddy...tequila is not your friend. Ok?
Age 20: Man that “In Da Club” by 50 Cent is never gonna get annoying!

Age 21: A 5 am bar is not your friend…

Age 22: The proper thing to yell at someone when trying to riot a World Series victory is not “What you doing? Riot bitch!”

Age 23: I will not get that addicted to Fantasy Football.

Age 24: That extra shot of Jameson is most definitely not your friend.

Age 25: Contrary to 16 year old Brian I do not know everything. In fact I know very little.

Age 26: For my sanity I will not talk politics or baseball with people I do not know or trust.

Age 27: I grew up in a house full of women yet I know more about molecular engineering than I will ever know about women.

Age 28: I may be addicted to fantasy football…

Age 29: Do not make jokes about Scandal…just don’t.

Age 30: My family and friends are the best. So is anyone who has ever taken the time to read this humble little blog.

Well folks a brief and concise rundown of some of the highlights of thirty years of fun on this journey we call life. Come the new year expect more of my amazing* rants and who knows, perhaps even a few surprises. 

*Opinions may vary.*