Tuesday, May 30, 2017

May's If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down Award

Ah yes it's that wonderful time of the month when I sit down and in a petty sense of rage I tell people to have a few seats in a very polite manner I think. Well this month...will be no different. As 2017 rolls along there has been no shortage of people who can probably stand to have a few seats. It's in this spirit that for the first time ever I give you the "If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down" speed round!

First up o grab a seat...Charles Barkley! That's right the round mound of rebound has drawn my ire. No not for his work on Inside the NBA, no this time I'm annoyed and disgusted that he is being given a platform to spew his lets call it nuanced opinions on race relations.
Yes TNT thought it was a great idea to give the guy who once dunked on an Ethiopian basketball player and then called him a "spear chucker" a show meant to heal the racial divide in this country. Seriously, watch the clip of him interaction with the woman who's son was beaten to death by Baltimore PD and just wow Chuck. Stick to getting owned by Shaq and Kenny about not having any championships my man.

Next up! If being a condescending jack ass was an Olympic sport then this gentleman would be a gold medalist. Jason Whitlock...come on down!
Yes the esteemed former ESPN "star" has ling drawn my ire. But with his latest vendetta against Colin Kaepernick he's gone from annoying blowhard to to unbearable jack ass. For many years he has longed to be seen as a member of the black intelligentsia and lashing out at anyone who is seem as smarter than him. From Bomani Jones (who has never said anything but positive things about him) to Ta-Nahesi Coates, if you're seen as smarter than this gaseous vessel of idiocy then you immediately become one of the liberal lefties who has "fallen for the okey-doke." With the Kaepernick situation he has called him all kinds of sheep, and accuses him of not having anything to protest because the NFL has made black men rich. Let us not also forget that as a man in the year of our Lord 2017 he had the nerve to criticize how Ciara was dressed and bloviated how Serena Williams was out of shape. He has long needed to grab a seat.

And finally on this list is Karl Malone.
Why Karl Malone? Because it's Team Fuck Karl Malone forever around these parts

Well folks that's my time you've been great!

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Chocolate Cub Interview

Well as the great wrestling announcer Jim Ross would say, business has certainly picked up since the last time I posted here. In that time, I went from being the confused parent to an infant to the confused parent of a one month old dynamo and let me tell you the ride has been great.
Very cautiously agreeing to be interviewed.
It is in this spirit that I had a sit-down conversation with the Chocolate Cub to see how month one has been treating him. 

Chocolate Puma: Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with me on the record.

Chocolate Cub: Anytime, I’ve just become aware of your works, also just became aware I can shove all my fingers in my mouth. How crazy is that?

CP: I’m gonna ask that you not do that, you just ate son.

CC:  Deal with it old man. 

CP: I like your attitude.

CC: Where do you think I get it from? (Finger points at me)

CP: You’re gonna make a brown man blush. First question, how you enjoying your set up.

CC: Much more room than I’m accustomed to!
(We both laugh intensely)

Here he is practicing his falsetto.
 CC: In all seriousness, it’s great, sweet bed, sweet room, and I’m a big fan of that thing in the corner.

CP: The rocking chair?

CC: Don’t judge me, I’ve been here a month. 

CP: Won’t happen again.

CC: Overall though the time spent here as been amazing. Slobbering on your face, dancing to some Stevie Wonder have all been just amazing. I'm particularly a fan of the diaper time playlist.
"Captain America is Hydra? Whoa."
CP: What can I say kid, I love music? Well son I say we read this Captain America Secret Empire and then head to bed. 

CC: Splendid. What are we drinking tonight?

CP: Whiskey for me, formula for you. 

CC: Oh. Snap. Son.

Well there you have it. Just a brief sit down with the mini gentleman of leisure who currently runs our household. This is possibly the first of many interviews with the Cub. Hopefully he refrains from profanity laced tirades but no guarantees.

Monday, May 15, 2017

In Which I Begrudgingly Defend Lebron James

2017 is weird. We have a reality show host as president, the Chocolate Puma is a father, and most improbable of all I am going to defend Lebron James. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. For the record, no one has been as petty and a hater to Lebron as much as I have.
When he spurned the Bulls I reveled in every loss the “Heatles” experienced. But during his time in Miami something happened…I began to actually see his greatness. Like I knew he was an amazing player, but I began to truly appreciate what we were living through. Now this isn’t to say that I think he is the greatest to ever do it, but I will say he is the greatest of his era. 

But Puma, you may say, back in my day guys didn’t take breaks, they played every game. Well even with LeBron taking a game off here and there over the last two seasons, over his 13 seasons he has played 1,061 games. Michael Jordan by comparison in 13 seasons with the Bulls played in 930 games. Not to mention he has played in 6 consecutive NBA finals and participated in the Olympics essentially giving him a year round schedule. 

“Puma, back in my day, guys didn’t form super teams!” Not so fast on that on champ. That ignores the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Houston Rockets, and Philadelphia 76ers…and that’s just from the 80s! The best players always have a way of ending up on the same team.
Pat Riley leads a scrappy group of under dogs.
The only difference is now the players are deciding where and who they want to play with and not the teams making that decision. 

Alright fine, he's good you may be thinking, but the league was more competitive back in the day you may counter with proudly. Good retort but a common misconception. The majority of all NBA championships since it's inception in 1947 have gone to 4 franchises, the Boston Celtics, LA Lakers, Chicago Bulls, and San Antonio Spurs. In fact there has only been one decade in which there was true parity, the 1970s, where 8 different teams hoisted the championship. 

And I already know what's coming next, but he lost in the finals, Jordan never lost in the finals! That is true. But that in itself is the anomaly. Every other hall of fame champion has losses in the Finals. Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Hakeem Olajuwon, Tim Duncan, Bill Russell, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal, all of them lost a championship. That fact doesn't diminish their greatness, so we shouldn't hold LeBron to a higher standard. 

So I'm sure I'll get called all kinds of a stan for recognizing statistically something very special and so be it. I'm not ready to call him the GOAT, not sure I'll ever get there, but I have no problem firmly placing him in the top 3 of all time. If for nothing else this damn chase down block. I mean...come on. This is like a damn video game play.