Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Peyton Manning is Kind of the Worst

I have been watching football for most of my life and I can count on one hand the number of players that have been as universally beloved as Peyton Manning. Now that I have had the benefit of hindsight I have firmly come to the conclusion that Peyton Manning is kind of a douche nozzle. I feel like this is something that isn’t touched on enough. He is portrayed as the hyper intelligent, funny guy who you’d love to hang out with. I will however submit to you my top 3 reasons for believing Peyton Manning is in fact the Nickelback of quarterbacks. 

3. He is probably chock full of HGH, steroids, and maybe even goat placenta.
One of the greatest baseball players of all time has never failed a drug test yet it is accepted as fact that Barry Bonds took steroids. The main piece of evidence? The size of his head. Well using that same logic I don’t know what Peyton has been using but sweet brown baby Jesus it is effective.
Big but somewhat normal.
The size of his forehead has damn near tripled but I’m supposed to believe after all the neck surgeries and his arm having the power of a solar powered child size pinwheel I’m supposed to believe he is clean? Nah. 

2. He is friends with Papa John.
The first person after having his carcass dragged to a Super Bowl victory he goes to? Papa John.
"Hey Peyton...c'mere...I wanna kiss you."
Not Von Miller. Not DeMarcus Ware. Not even Malik Jackson. He went to that insufferable ass clown Papa John and kissed him. The same man who showed up at a Louisville game quite hammered and had a major temper tantrum about Obamacare. Birds of a feather perhaps?

1. He put his taint on a trainer!
I mean...he put his taint...on...a trainer. Like right on her forehead. Who the hell does that? And spare me the "it was in college, he's grown up" talk. If Cam Newton is forever judged for buying a stolen laptop as a freshman at University of Florida then Peyton gotta get this work. And the story he came up with? I was mooning someone across the room? When someone is groin level checking your injuries? We don't believe you, you need more people! 

I am sure there are more reasons but these are the reasons that I thought of first. I'm sure people will call me a hater which, congratulations you finally realized that. Alright I'm out.