Wednesday, April 19, 2017

April's If You Don't Sit Your Ass Down Award

I had already sat down and typed out a very long and hilarious if I may say so presentation telling one Tomato Lasagna how she needed to grab a few seats.
Tomato Lasagna seen above
Then down came word that Papa Bear himself Bill O'Reilly who has been getting hit with sexual harassment since Drake was still in a wheelchair and not a faux dance-hall star would be parting ways with Fox News. So since Billy is gonna have a lot of time on his hands allow me to be the first to tell Bill get your grabby ass up here so you can sit your ass down!
For years this self righteous jack wagon has gotten on television, radio, betamax and any other medium that will have him and presented himself as a paragon of moral value. Little problem with that though...Uncle Billy was out here in these Fox News streets doing quite a bit of dirt. Over his time at the network over 15 million dollars were paid out in hush money to accusers and there were some extremely disturbing details to emerge in his divorce including instances of physical violence. Now I'm not one to revel in the joy of someone's downfall but for this sentient blob of mayonnaise I'll make an exception.

For years he's bloviated about how he has the answer on everything from United States foreign relations to how to fix the ills of the black community. Even though he was seemingly shocked that when eating dinner we generally don't curse and demand "m-fer I want more iced tea." Yes he even took it to himself to torpedo an endorsement deal for one of the finest actors of this or any other generation, Sir Christopher Bridges, you lay-people may know him as Ludacris.Who hit him with one of my favorite rap lines ever: "Respected highly, hi, Mr. O'Reilly/Hope all is well, kiss the plaintiff and the wifey."

But he will most be remembered for his classic "L" he received handed to him by the Prince of Harlem himself who knew years ago as he so eloquently put it, "I got dirt on you doggy." So it is in honor of this doggy's dirt coming back to bite him in the ass I must post this:

So while you still mad Billy, I say to you...SIT YO ASS DOWN! 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A Few Lessons to The Chocolate Cub

As I sit down to write this I am in the waning days of life without a child. And as a self professed know it all at times it pains me to admit this to you all but I have no idea what I'm doing.

And while this is true for all first time parents this blog is about me so deal with it.  So in an attempt to ease the nerves that come with the next great step in my life, I have decided to write a few of the lessons I am most eager to share with my little upgrade.
1.Steak preparation and ordering.
This is crucial my child, never in your life order a steak well done. If you order a steak well done I'm not saying I will disown you but I am also not not saying I won't disown you.

2. The art of trash talk.
This may be my favorite lesson to you my child. While your father is an unabashed sports fanatic, seriously your mother can confirm this, I am not what one would refer to as a premiere athlete. I do ok for a rec league giant though so please believe I'll take you on the court and at the first sign the gap is closing retire and never play again. That being said, one of my gifts has always been trash talking. In fact on more than one occasion I was threatened by opponents of our soccer team in college. That kid from Elmhurst was maaaaaad. You are going to be a verbal monster kid.

3. I'm going to let you choose your own sports teams.
No pressure, but it would be nice if there was another Sox fan here.
This is a tough one but if I raise you the right way you'll make your way to the right side of things. So while I will suggest the Chicago Bulls or UNC Tarheels, if you decide to go another route please believe you are not exempt from the above lesson.

4. I'll be introducing you to a ton of movies.
One of the running jokes and truths in my relationship with you r mother is she has not seen about 98.75% of any movie that I mention. And there are a few omissions that may make you even shake you head, but respect your mother kid. It is in this spirit that I will take the reigns in introducing you to the wonderful world of film. I would consider it a personal failing if you grew up without seeing so many of these classic films.

5. Your mother is a superhero.
I know you'll grow sick of, and then won't be able to contain your joy when I talk comic and superhero stuff with you but in all seriousness your mom is the greatest superhero.
When you're older you'll learn what the human body does to accommodate such a young dependent. Now imagine all those changes and still getting up every morning and going to downtown Chicago, most of the time even walking a mile or so from the train station to her office. Always put some respeck on her name.

Well that's all I got for now, any time you'd like to make your arrival it would be greatly appreciated. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

In Which I Stan For Russell Westbrook

There are certain records that as a fan of sports and statistics that I was pretty confident in saying that we would never see broken. Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak, Wilt chamberlain's 100 point game and one of the top if not top records I never thought I'd see fall was Oscar Robertson's record of most triple doubles in a season and subsequently average a triple double for an entire season.
For all the flaws of Russell Westbrook's game what he has done is something so remarkable I don't think I have fully fathomed the sheer awesomeness of over 82 games not only averaging a triple double but also in more than half the games you played doing so. I believe the savant Dragonfly Jonez said it best.

Now comes the argument over whether or not he is the league's most valuable player. To me the idea of a guy averaging a triple double and willing his team to the playoffs in the more difficult conference is just astonishing. But because this is a written forum ol' Uncle Puma will give you his top three reasons that Westbrook is the unquestioned MVP of the NBA season.

3. His team would be a lottery team if he was taken from them.

Without Russell Westbrook the Oklahoma City Thunder are a mess. The other contenders for MVP have a much more effective supporting cast but for argument's sake let's use the other top bet to win MVP James Harden.  Harden is surrounded by Lou Williams, Eric Gordon, Trevor Ariza, and Patrick Beverly. Not exactly a murderers row of talent but definitely good enough to compete for a playoff spot. Westbrook has Taj Gibson, Steven Adams, and Victor Oladipo. No disrespect intended but one roster is clearly better than the other.

2. A statistician dream come true.
 The numbers that he puts up are just mind boggling. I'm going to dive a little deeper than traditional points, rebounds and assists here. Westbrook is number one in offensive rpm, which estimates on-court impact on team offensive performance, measured in points scored per 100 offensive possessions. He ranks 8th in defensive rpm which estimates on-court impact on team defensive performance, measured in points allowed per 100 defensive possessions. And he ranks 4th in win shares statistically responsible for 16.6 wins.

Not to beat a dead horse but GOD DAMN 42 TRIPLE DOUBLES?!?! That's not even possible in video games. There were 9 games where he came within an assist or a rebound shy of a triple double. And you can blow off his torrid pace as just stat chasing but the fact is this, in games where he got a triple double the Thunder were 33-9. In games he didn't they were 14-25 in games he didn't.  He literally did everything in pursuit not of stats but an almost obsession with getting this team to the playoffs.

So congrats Russy, even if some way you don''t get NBA MVP you'll always be able to fall back on being the MVP to the Chocolate Puma.