Over the past few weeks there has been a downright disgusting turn in the American discourse regarding a certain hot topic and regarding a certain person in our American family. The person I am referring to is Michael Jordan and the topic is of course mustaches. That’s right mustaches.
Recently my favorite basketball player has come under a little bit of scrutiny for his stache. Why you may be asking. Because his mustache is of the Charlie Chaplin variety. That’s right the Charlie Chaplin mustache. I am taking it back from those have chosen to give that facial hair style a negative stigma just because a certain murderous dictator decided to rock the same style. Why should one hair choice be demonized because one homicidal douchebag decided to make some reprehensible decisions that affected so many people.
The bald white guy look isn’t referred to as the Mussolini, if so we never would have had the delightful career of one Bruce Willis, Jason Statham or the most critically acclaimed actor of them all Stone Cold Steve Austin. The chubby Asian man isn’t demonized because of Pol Pot. Had it been would we be enjoying the enchanting performance by Ken Jeong every week on Community? (NBC, Thursdays this fall!) I think not.
So due to this I have decided to call this glorious piece of facial hair the “Charlie Chaplin” from the delightful silent film star. That’s right, Chaplin came to national prominence before the Austrian ass clown and unfairly has had his mustache choice du jour demonized ever since his rise to power. And in memory of the actor I am taking back the facial hair that he so resplendently made famous and not some dick who was a coward and flunked out of art school.
I’ll end by saying this, Brett Favre you can go and suck it.