"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

My mom died. 

Those are words I never thought I'd type even though I obviously know that no one lives forever. My mom over the past few years battled many health issues and frankly she had knocked on the proverbial door to heaven numerous times in that span however she always made her way back to us. So when she got sick again, it to me just was a brief road block that would lead to her overcoming and making fun of my sisters and I for being so worried about her.

It's been 3 of the hardest weeks I could ever imagine. We spoke constantly, be it phone calls, Facebook messages, hell I would joke with her that I'd find a way to get in touch with her if I had to send out a carrier pigeon. The weight of her absence, knowing I won’t be getting that call or message has been one of the heaviest weights to carry. Just hearing her voice. I have on occasion listened to some of the voicemails she left me over the years and I hear the woman who raised me and even when sick being more concerned with me and my well being. "You better take care of yourself ol' big head boy, I can't come up there and take care of you now." 

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

This line from 'Wandavision' has been on my mind every day since May 14th when I got the call that my Big Jima had joined the ancestors. This would not hurt the way it has had there not been an immeasurable amount of love for and from the old lady. I told my son that for 41 years and 5 months I was blessed with the privilege of being her son. And yes I know I am still her son, the relationship is now predicated on memories, emotions (which admittedly I am not the best at emoting), and just a strong yearning for her physical presence that can never be. 

The last time I saw my mom was Mother's Day weekend. She was in the hospital, she was unable to talk. But her eyes twinkled and followed me as I navigated her room. I played music, mostly doo wop as she hated rap music. I played podcasts that Julian and I did and her eyes welled up, she bounced her legs when I told her about a recent trip to London and Scotland. I kept kissing her forehead and talking about how I loved her. I joked that I knew she was sick of hearing it but I was gonna say it anyway. I said my goodbye, not sure how she would bounce back but confident she would. But being as sick as she has been over the last few years is tiring. And while we selfishly wanted to use all of the medical science available to us, she had earned her rest. 

15,126 days. That's how many days I had a woman on earth that as she put it, before I was even thought of loved me. Who showed me perseverance, bravery and strength. A woman of faith, who even in the midst of some of the roughest storms one could imagine, still had her beliefs and faith. Who firmly believed and taught us the adage passed down from from my grandmother. "The Lord blesses you to bless others." She was active in church, she donated time and her amazing cooking skills to the Ronald McDonald house, she helped in any way she could. Including one very funny time she helped me move a couch with her bad back. 

So I will mourn this small little dynamo from Mississippi. The woman who welcomed my friends as though they were her own. That loved on her friends. And beyond loving her children, she loved her grandchildren in a way that honestly I had no idea was even possible. From constant praise and showering in gifts, Darsean, Arianna, Damaris, Danielle, Deidre, Mackenzie and Julian were spoiled and loved beyond measure. 

I know she would not have approved of me quoting any rap in what is probably the piece I've dreaded writing more than any other piece but if you knew the relationship we had, consider this my last public teasing of the old lady. Scarface had a line in the song 'Smile' that I have thought of since that night that I will share with you. 

"And now a moment of silence, let us pray
And as you journey into outerspace
May the angels help to lead the way
May the prayers that our families made
Shine up on your soul to keep you safe
And all the homies that done passed away
They there to greet you as you pass the gates
And as you headed to the tunnel's light
I hope it leads to eternal life."

I love you old lady. I look forward to when we can have that next chat.