Fatherhood and Me

I have been meaning to write about this topic for quite a while. A few friends of mine wrote about their experiences earlier this year, shout out to John and Andy for setting the bar high. I have sat down many times and deleted all I wrote because I just couldn't get a cohesive point across and felt like a rambling mess. But here we are, at a place where I feel like the haze of being gifted with this precious gift combined with sleep deprivation and balancing work has begun to lift and the feelings of being a father are becoming much more clear.

I'm not what one would call a classically emotional person, I am much more likely to cry watching a fiery wrestling promo or a Sunday segment on ESPN than I am at say a wedding or a funeral. So when my son was born and there were no tears I wasn't shocked, what did shock me was it felt like I wasn't crying because there was a complete sensory overload.

Emotions flooding my body yet unable to get through.

So many emotions flooding in at once, as I gazed at this little guy who I had wondered how he would look for months finally in front of me. My body literally did not know how to react.

Now I have written many times of growing up without a father. So my fears before the arrival of the Cub were much more based on what the hell do I know to teach this guy?

So uh...you like stuff?

I would sit with him in his room, rocking slowly, nervously thinking of what to tell him even though I knew he had absolutely no idea what I was saying, there was this nervousness that it had to be as perfect as he was.

Raise em right.

One day I was sitting with him and began to read him a comic book, and just kinda got lost in it. I was finally relaxed with him and I looked down and he was just smiling at me. People say at the four to six month range babies get fun because their personality begins to shine through but for me, it was on day four and we haven't looked back since.

Everyday when I wake up (not counting the 4 am feeding) my only goal is to make his life better. Now while I didn't grow up with my father I was lucky enough to have some role models. Men from my church in good ol' Enterprise, Mississippi, my uncle, and a friend of mine who was kind enough to share his dad with me (shout out to you Jerry, miss you and that laugh that only comes when I have fallen off a bike head first after I did what you told me not to do.) The lessons and stories I have from all of these great men have provided a greater template than I could have ever imagined.

So armed with these lessons, and a few personal joys and passions of mine I try and share with him every day and while he has yet to show the same interest in documentaries and Japanese wrestling, I have no doubt that someday we'll get there. I hug and kiss my boy and bestow upon him these life lessons and pointless trivia that won't help him ever really, but will bond us forever.

He's my little buddy, the perfect member of our household, and the greatest gift my wife and I have ever been blessed with. The greatest gift I never knew I wanted.

"Please...no more jokes."