"The Birds Don't Sing, They Screech in Pain"

In a summer filled with a myriad of emotions, filled with anxiety, and most of all filled with grief there have been very few things that I have been able to look forward to. One of the things I have been excitedly waiting for was the first Clipse album in 16 years and upon putting it on in the car let's just say the first song immediately made my sad ass burst into tears and connect with a Clipse album in a way I never thought I would mainly because I don't sell cocaine. 

"Lost in emotion, my mama's youngest
Tryna navigate life without my compass
Some experience death and feel numbness
But not me, I felt it all and couldn't function"

I'm not the youngest of my mom's children but I was the one who honestly was babied the most as the only boy. We spoke to each other...a lot. After my wife, the person who I spoke to about any life decision was the old lady and I knew I was going to get that real and raw unfiltered advice. And like Pusha T the pain and hurt I've felt has led to a numbness that has made finding any joy damn near impossible. 

"Seeing you that day/ Telling you my plans, but I was leaving that day"

The last time I saw my mother, she was in the hospital, it was mother's day weekend. She was unable to speak but I spoke to her of the future and when she would leave. I told her to listen to the doctors and when she left the hospital she'd be going for rehab. I was telling her about work, about the boy and his sports, family trips. And she kicked her legs, she would move her head. I had zero doubts leaving that hospital that I would never see the love in her eyes again. She knew I had to come back home, and I feel that she held on until I left before letting go because she knew I could not handle being there.

"Saying you was tired, but not ready to go
Basically was dying without letting me know"

The last time we spoke, she made mention a few times of how tired she was, she made mention of knowing she wasn't going to be here forever yet I yada yada'd that talk because guess what? I was talking to Big Jima and she always got better. Was she trying to prepare me for the pain her death would leave in it's wake? Because she never spoke of that with me, because in hindsight while I am not sure delusional is the word, but the thought of her not being never crossed my mind as being a possibility. Even when the doctors were giving us concerning update after concerning update, I felt it in my heart that she was going to be coming home and the fact she did not breaks my heart in a manner I can not put into words.

"Birds don't sing if the words don't sting
Your last few words in my still ring 
You told me you loved me, it was all in your tone 

I love my two sons was the code to your phone, now you gone"

Overall the last time we spoke my mom and I did what we always did. We listened how each other's day was going, she wanted her update on Julian and what project Kari was going to do, and she made fun of me in the way that only she could. It was a perfect call, it was a perfect talk. The last line when No Malice mentioned the codes to his father's phone, it made me think how all of my mom's passwords were usually grandchildren related. 

So yes, the cocaine fueled rap group of my youth did follow up with the rhymes I was looking for, the opening of this album....man. It hit me in a way that as previously mentioned had me weeping in my car. Granted currently it is not the most difficult task to make me cry currently, we all have faced loss in some form or another this was something that I felt spoke directly to me. 

I think Andscape writer Justin Tinsley said it best: 

"If grief is the cost of real love, then memories of my grandma, my mother and Pusha and Malice’s parents are part of life’s most valuable currency." 

Surviving The Tsunami of Grief

In the last month and half I have to say that losing my mom has been without question the saddest moment in my life. I heard this statement from people before and while I understood sadness I did not nor could I have been able to imagine the depths of sadness that this cataclysmic event would send me down. Now when I mention sadness it's not as though I thought a weekend later I was under the assumption that I'd be fine but the only way I've been able to describe this as is a tsunami of sadness and the consistent waves of sadness has not allowed for a single moment to breathe.

And while I have been remarkably lucky to have the support system to give me the hope and knowledge that one day I will be ok, however in the current moment, in the current onslaught of day to day life and daily reminders of my old lady it feels like it will never end. 

For instance, I listen to a podcast about grief and a guest made mention that he felt you dream of those who have passed away because they are reaching out to you to check on you. And in the middle of cutting my lawn, I wept. And not like a little tear down the cheek, oh no this was a full on sob in the middle of backyard. Why? Because I hadn't had a single dream about my mom since she passed. And while the thought is irrational, I was crushed by sadness and the thought, "well why hasn't she checked in on me?" Yes I know it makes no sense that I would get offended or slighted but hey grief is with all due respect an unreasonable bitch.

I am in awe of the support I have received, particularly my wife and especially my 8 year old son. That's right, my damn 8 year old is essentially shepherding me through my dark path with just the love he had for his grandmother. Every night he wants to sit and ask questions, "what was granny's favorite color?" "what was granny's favorite food?" All of these moments are sparked by curiosity and in the midst of sadness he is led by a quest to remember the good and not be crushed under the weight of heartache. So while for now I remain a sad sack chump after the love I have been shown by all gives me hope that while I am sinking in sadness right now, one day I will be more than adequately equipped to weather the storm when the waves get rough.

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

My mom died. 

Those are words I never thought I'd type even though I obviously know that no one lives forever. My mom over the past few years battled many health issues and frankly she had knocked on the proverbial door to heaven numerous times in that span however she always made her way back to us. So when she got sick again, it to me just was a brief road block that would lead to her overcoming and making fun of my sisters and I for being so worried about her.

It's been 3 of the hardest weeks I could ever imagine. We spoke constantly, be it phone calls, Facebook messages, hell I would joke with her that I'd find a way to get in touch with her if I had to send out a carrier pigeon. The weight of her absence, knowing I won’t be getting that call or message has been one of the heaviest weights to carry. Just hearing her voice. I have on occasion listened to some of the voicemails she left me over the years and I hear the woman who raised me and even when sick being more concerned with me and my well being. "You better take care of yourself ol' big head boy, I can't come up there and take care of you now." 

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

This line from 'Wandavision' has been on my mind every day since May 14th when I got the call that my Big Jima had joined the ancestors. This would not hurt the way it has had there not been an immeasurable amount of love for and from the old lady. I told my son that for 41 years and 5 months I was blessed with the privilege of being her son. And yes I know I am still her son, the relationship is now predicated on memories, emotions (which admittedly I am not the best at emoting), and just a strong yearning for her physical presence that can never be. 

The last time I saw my mom was Mother's Day weekend. She was in the hospital, she was unable to talk. But her eyes twinkled and followed me as I navigated her room. I played music, mostly doo wop as she hated rap music. I played podcasts that Julian and I did and her eyes welled up, she bounced her legs when I told her about a recent trip to London and Scotland. I kept kissing her forehead and talking about how I loved her. I joked that I knew she was sick of hearing it but I was gonna say it anyway. I said my goodbye, not sure how she would bounce back but confident she would. But being as sick as she has been over the last few years is tiring. And while we selfishly wanted to use all of the medical science available to us, she had earned her rest. 

15,126 days. That's how many days I had a woman on earth that as she put it, before I was even thought of loved me. Who showed me perseverance, bravery and strength. A woman of faith, who even in the midst of some of the roughest storms one could imagine, still had her beliefs and faith. Who firmly believed and taught us the adage passed down from from my grandmother. "The Lord blesses you to bless others." She was active in church, she donated time and her amazing cooking skills to the Ronald McDonald house, she helped in any way she could. Including one very funny time she helped me move a couch with her bad back. 

So I will mourn this small little dynamo from Mississippi. The woman who welcomed my friends as though they were her own. That loved on her friends. And beyond loving her children, she loved her grandchildren in a way that honestly I had no idea was even possible. From constant praise and showering in gifts, Darsean, Arianna, Damaris, Danielle, Deidre, Mackenzie and Julian were spoiled and loved beyond measure. 

I know she would not have approved of me quoting any rap in what is probably the piece I've dreaded writing more than any other piece but if you knew the relationship we had, consider this my last public teasing of the old lady. Scarface had a line in the song 'Smile' that I have thought of since that night that I will share with you. 

"And now a moment of silence, let us pray
And as you journey into outerspace
May the angels help to lead the way
May the prayers that our families made
Shine up on your soul to keep you safe
And all the homies that done passed away
They there to greet you as you pass the gates
And as you headed to the tunnel's light
I hope it leads to eternal life."

I love you old lady. I look forward to when we can have that next chat. 

Final Mock Draft

So I know I already gave you a mock draft but in that time we have had trades, free agency, retirements, and just plain insanity going on. So with just a few days to go I give you my final mock draft, And as I stated previously, if you can't trust a man with zero connections to any front office and often times forces trades through on Madden then who can you trust?

1. Tennessee Titans: Cam Ward, QB - Miami 

Cam Ward remains the best quarterback in this draft and with the Will Levis experiment being deemed a bust this is a no brainer of a move by the Titans. Plus with a new GM in place it makes sense to have a quarterback on the team that both he and the coach agree on. 

2. Cleveland Browns: Abdul Carter, DE - Penn St.

I considered Travis Hunter or Shedeur Sanders here but I think getting a second elite pass rusher while the team still sucks enough next year to be in the Arch Manning sweepstakes makes too much sense. 

3. New York Giants: Travis Hunter, DB/WR - Colorado

Originally this is where I had Sanders going but with the signings of Jameis Winston and Russell Wilson I think the Giants can hold firm for a year on getting a first round quarterback. With quarterback off the board the only choice is Hunter. The defensive back and arguably the best receiver in the draft. 

4. New England Patriots: Armand Membou, OT- Missouri

The Patriots could have something special in Drake Maye and so it is of the utmost importance to keep him upright. The tackle has been skyrocketing up the boards  and for good reason. He ran the fastest 40 for someone his size since 2003, tested amazing in all of his drills and combined with teams still freaking out about the arm length of Will Campbell, he is naturally the only other option I would consider in the top 10.
 

5. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ashton Jeanty, RB - Boise St.

The Jags are set at QB, WR, and RB with Tank Bigsby and Travis Ettiene. So Mason Graham has been my pick for them this entire draft cycle. However, the Jags coach has an offensive background and I am not sure they can can resist the crown jewel of a deep RB class. So I would expect Etienne or Bigsby to be traded and Ashton trading in Boise for a spot in Duuuuuuuuuval. 

6. Las Vegas Raiders: Will Campbell, OT - LSU

The technical wizard of this draft class, who's only real knock is apparently he has short arms. I feel that this is a case of nerds not watching the guy play and letting measurables steer you away from a player who is a beast. This guy allowed 5 sacks in 3 seasons. His arms are just fine. 

7. New York Jets: Jaylon Walker, LB/DE -Georgia

The Jets have a new coach with a defensive background so why not get a versatile chess piece in Walker. He can rush from standing or his hand in the dirt, and is solid in defending the run. A great piece for Aaron Glenn to build around.

8. Carolina Panthers: Mykell Williams, DL - Georgia 

Since the Panthers traded Brian Burns they are depending on getting pass rushing from 87 year old Jadaveon Clowney. With Williams they get one of Kirby Smart's most trusted players and someone who can help solidify the line with Derrick Brown returning from injury.

9. New Orleans Saints: Jaxon Dart, QB - Ole Miss

This is the part of the draft where teams start getting wild. For some reason people seem to dislike Shedeur Sanders for his attitude and love Jaxon Dart for "what could be." Sanders would be my pick, he's accurate and tough as hell. Dart can sling it, and has pretty good athleticism. Dart says he molds his game after Jalen Hurts and who did Kellen Moore just call plays for in the Super Bowl? That's right, it could be a good fit scheme wise.

10. Chicago Bears: Tyler Warren, TE- Penn State

Warren is a beast. He played all over the field, had 104 catches, over 1200 receiving yards and even ran some plays out of the wildcat as a quarterback. While we have Cole Kmet who I am a huge fan of I think Ben Johnson loves the versatility and with no Ashton Jeanty on the board this is the best available player that would make that football psychopath happy.

Well there you have it, now that I've taken the time to write this expect a million trades and some general shenanigans. 

2025 Mock NFL Draft

The NFL Draft Combine has come and gone and I am ready to give my my prediction on how the first ten picks of the NFL Draft will go down. Did I play high level football to properly assess these high level athletes? No not tall, but I have built many successful franchises on Madden so that alone qualifies me to run the New York Jets! Anywho, enough with the banter, on to the picks! 

1. Tennessee Titans: Cam Ward, QB - Miami 

The QB class is not as good as last year however I think Cam Ward is the best of this class. He has a great arm, undeniable swagger and has succeeded everywhere he has gone. The one thing he has to work on is calming down on the yolo plays although it has worked pretty well for him so far as he leaves college as the leader in NCAA touchdown passes. 

2. Cleveland Browns: Abdul Carter, DE - Penn St.

This may be the biggest duh in the draft to me. Myles Garrett wants out, so you draft his replacement and trade him for all the assets you can get because it is a dumpster fire in Cleveland. This team is going to be awful anyway, may as well get yourselves in the Arch Manning sweepstakes next year because they will definitely be in contention for the top pick. 

3. New York Giants: Shedeur Sanders, QB- Colorado

The most polarizing prospect in the draft by far. His style of play is very methodical and cerebral which is a stark contrast to the extremely confident and flashy off the field personality he has. I think on the low end you're looking at a Geno Smith (Seattle version) caliber quarterback and frankly that's not a bad piece to have. 

4. New England Patriots: Travis Hunter, DB/WR - Colorado

This is the best prospect in the draft bar none. I think he is simultaneously the best receiver and the best defensive back in the draft. Last year's Heisman winner didn't leave the field last year, he was a shutdown corner and a 1,000 yard receiver. That's video game shit. So he can line up with Christian Gonzalez and form a shutdown secondary and provide Drake Maye a receiver you can count on to be dynamic.  

5. Jacksonville Jaguars: Mason Graham, DT- Michigan

Jacksonville needs some defensive line help to take the pressure off Josh Hines Allen and who better than the anchor to the 2024 National Champions. Graham is extremely quick and what you notice most is this guy is always in the center of the action. 

6. Las Vegas Raiders: Tetairoa McMillan, WR - Arizona

This hinges on the Raiders signing a quarterback in free agency otherwise I wouldn't be shocked if they traded up to take a chance on Sanders. McMillan is a 6'4, 220 lb receiver who gives me shades of Mike Evans. Pairing him with Brock Bowers at tight end could be nasty business for Tom Brady as he tries to help bring this team into the land of relevancy. 

7. New York Jets: Mykel Williams, DL - Georgia

Given that the Jets hired Aaron Glenn I figured he will want to get to work on the defensive side of the ball. Having Williams team up with Quinnen Williams gives the Jets the 1-2 punch on the line that teams dream of especially seeing how well it worked for the Eagles to build from the defensive line. Williams is a speed rusher with the ability to get a crap ton of tackles for loss. 

8. Carolina Panthers: Armand Membou, OT- Missouri

Bryce Young appears to have turned a corner and now it is of the utmost importance to keep him upright. The tackle skyrocketing up the boards is Missouri's Membou and for good reason. He ran the fastest 40 for someone his size since 2003, tested amazing in all of his drills and combined with teams freaking out about the arm length of Will Campbell this is the move I think the Panthers would make. 

9. New Orleans Saints: Tyler Warren, TE - Penn St.

Warren is the engine that made the Nittany Lions offense go. He played all over the field, had 104 catches, over 1200 receiving yards and for a team with a new coach who is seen as an offensive wunderkind of sorts giving him a more talented Taysom Hill is a no brainer to make his life easier. 

10. Chicago Bears: Ashton Jeanty, RB - Boise St.

Originally I had the Bears snagging Will Campbell out of LSU but the Ryan Poles said not so fast and traded for two guards and rumored to be aggressively chasing a center. Given that now 3/5 of the line is accounted for next season so far it gives them more flexibility and why not go crazy here. Jeanty was a work horse and had the most productive season for a running back since Barry Sanders. Yeah I'd say that is a piece you could add to this offense and let Ben Johnson go crazy. 

Well there you have it, and as an added bonus according to the mock draft simulator I used after coming up with my first ten picks Bears fans should be happy to know that we could be picking up in the second round:

-Josh Simmons, OT: Ohio State

-Kenneth Grant, DT: Michigan

Not a bad haul. Let's see how off base I am when the actual draft goes down. I really need the Bears to go down as I have it because frankly I need it. It's been too long on the island of irrelevancy and ya boy wants off! 

NBA Award Season To This Point

 The NBA season is just about over at this point and I realize that I have not written a single thing about it this season. It's in this spirit and that it is awards season that I figure why the hell not give my awards up to this point. But before I do so, I have a few thoughts on the season that are not award related. 

*The Hockey discourse in comparison to the NBA is annoying as hell.

During the All Star game, I saw tons of people comparing the NBA to the NHL and most of it was from the NHL reporters. Hockey's all star event got a lot of earned attention and instead of using it to bring more fans in, they chose to spend every waking moment telling us this is why hockey players are better than basketball players. 

If you watch the All Star game for defense go outside nerd. 

Guys, as a basketball fan let me say this, I do not care. For all the talk that the NBA is failing and in trouble if they woke up tomorrow with the ratings of the NHL Adam Silver would be tied to a rocket and blasted into space. I don't need people like PK Subban on tv blathering about the NBA when they haven't watched. 

*The NBA does need to make some changes. 

I feel like the league is in one of those weird periods like the post Jordan years. While we look back with a sense of nostalgia, let's be real it wasn't the greatest brand of basketball out there. Right now seems like we are in that spot. Balance will be restored as it always is and the loudest critics will go back to standing for the flag or singing Lee Greenwood on flights. 

Alright, got that off my chest. And without further ado I give you my award winners...to this point. 

*Rookie of the Year: Stephon Castle, G, San Antonio Spurs

It came down to Castle or Jaylen Wells. As it currently stands I think Castle will hold off Jaylen Wells. With Wembenyama being out for the rest of the season I think there is going to be much more opportunities for Castle. 

*Most Improved: Dyson Daniels, G, Atlanta Hawks

Daniels in his first opportunity to start has been one of the few bright spots for the Hawks this season. He is averaging 9 more points a game, and most importantly he has been a terror on the defensive end averaging over 3 steals a game. 

*Coach of the Year: JB Bickerstaff, Detroit Pistons

Bickerstaff was in my eyes unfairly fired from Cleveland. He was immediately picked up by the Pistons. The Pistons last year may have been the worst team that I ever saw. With very little done to improve the team, Bickerstaff has unlocked Cade Cunningham and the rest of the team and now they are well on their way to the playoffs. 

*6th Man of The Year: Payton Prichard, G, Boston Celtics

The defending champs are moving along with a confidence that only comes from winning a title. The starters are as rock solid as they come but it has been the shooting and confidence of Payton Pritchard that has given Joe Mazzula a chance to rest his starters longer and have them ready for the grind that is the NBA Playoffs. 

*MVP: Shai Gilgeous Alexander, G, Oklahoma City Thunder

The best player on in my opinion the best team. He averages 32 points, 5 rebounds and 6 assists. He even averages 2 steals a game so he is doing it on both ends of the floor. With all the other candidates such as Giannis and Jokic having won the award already the time may be now for the young guard.

Well there we have it, my idea of how the awards should shake out. Now that I have stated this of course all of these picks will go to hell. 

RFK Jr Has Already Made Me Sick

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is a dangerous individual. I say this as someone who gets physically ill at the mere sight of this man. Why does the progeny of one of the country's most venerated politicians make me throw up? It's because he is the epitome of someone who is being handed something while he hasn't earned it. This man exists solely on vibes and gets the benefit of the doubt without any proof of any thing. Here's just a few of the reasons he sickens me. 

*He's wholly unqualified.

As I alluded to above, the man has a position currently that he is not qualified for in the slightest. He was by trade, an environmental lawyer, and while I can't speak to how good he was at this he was active in environmental spaces. Since 2005 this dingbat has however railed against childhood vaccines, claimed vaccines give you autism and has written books denying the connection between HIV and AIDS. And this is the man who is the main man on all health matters that reports to the president. Give me a break.

*He Has Directly Led To The Death of Children.

When I said he directly led to the death of children I do not believe this to be a damn exaggeration. This guy went to Samoa to peddle a conspiracy about 2 children dying due to a vaccine. This led to a climate of vaccine hesitancy, there was a measles outbreak and 83 people died, mostly children. The cause of the outbreak was decreased vaccination rates among newborns, from 74% in 2017 to 31–34% in 2018. Nearby islands had rates near 99% and guess what? Those islands didn't get a god damn measles outbreak. Instead of taking some form of responsibility for his misinformation he blamed the deaths on malnutrition. 

*He Has No Backbone.

This one is pretty straight forward. During his doomed run for the Democratic nomination this bastard warbled that he was a “threat to democracy,” a “bully,” and, as recently as July 2024, a “terrible president.” This guy got his ass handed to him and immediately went and kissed the ring and subsequently kissed a certain circus peanut hued ass. Show some god damn pride and stand on your words dip shit.

*He Is A Certified Weirdo.

This guy is in the most polite way I can put it, a fucking weirdo. How do I know this? Well let's see there is the story that he willingly told mind you of the time he say a bear cub get hit by a car. Instead of contacting officials, he put the body in his car and drove back to his home only to realize he didn't have time to go home so he put the body in Central Park and tried to stage it as a hit and run by a bike. His daughter told the story of the time he heard of a beached whale and took it upon himself to drive to the beach with a chainsaw and bring the skull of said whale home, forcing those inside the family minivan to cover themselves with trash bags. This guy is a certified weirdo.

*He IS Racist.

How do I know he is racist? Well when someone tells me who they are I tend to believe them. For years he has targeted black and brown communities with claims that vaccines were made in an effort to harm them. He even floated a conspiracy theory that Covid “ethnically targeted” white and Black people and spared Ashkenazi Jewish and Chinese people. He believes that black people should be on a different vaccination schedule "We should not be giving Black people the same vaccine schedule that's given to Whites, because their immune system is better than ours." This man said this himself in his confirmation hearings not even a month ago.

So yeah, when it comes to the fallen son of the Kennedy clan I guess you could say I am not a fan. He is a man who peddles dangerous misinformation under the guise of making America Healthy. He is a fraud and a charlatan and more people will be hurt than helped with this roided up ding bat at the helm of an already flawed health system.