"The Birds Don't Sing, They Screech in Pain"

In a summer filled with a myriad of emotions, filled with anxiety, and most of all filled with grief there have been very few things that I have been able to look forward to. One of the things I have been excitedly waiting for was the first Clipse album in 16 years and upon putting it on in the car let's just say the first song immediately made my sad ass burst into tears and connect with a Clipse album in a way I never thought I would mainly because I don't sell cocaine. 

"Lost in emotion, my mama's youngest
Tryna navigate life without my compass
Some experience death and feel numbness
But not me, I felt it all and couldn't function"

I'm not the youngest of my mom's children but I was the one who honestly was babied the most as the only boy. We spoke to each other...a lot. After my wife, the person who I spoke to about any life decision was the old lady and I knew I was going to get that real and raw unfiltered advice. And like Pusha T the pain and hurt I've felt has led to a numbness that has made finding any joy damn near impossible. 

"Seeing you that day/ Telling you my plans, but I was leaving that day"

The last time I saw my mother, she was in the hospital, it was mother's day weekend. She was unable to speak but I spoke to her of the future and when she would leave. I told her to listen to the doctors and when she left the hospital she'd be going for rehab. I was telling her about work, about the boy and his sports, family trips. And she kicked her legs, she would move her head. I had zero doubts leaving that hospital that I would never see the love in her eyes again. She knew I had to come back home, and I feel that she held on until I left before letting go because she knew I could not handle being there.

"Saying you was tired, but not ready to go
Basically was dying without letting me know"

The last time we spoke, she made mention a few times of how tired she was, she made mention of knowing she wasn't going to be here forever yet I yada yada'd that talk because guess what? I was talking to Big Jima and she always got better. Was she trying to prepare me for the pain her death would leave in it's wake? Because she never spoke of that with me, because in hindsight while I am not sure delusional is the word, but the thought of her not being never crossed my mind as being a possibility. Even when the doctors were giving us concerning update after concerning update, I felt it in my heart that she was going to be coming home and the fact she did not breaks my heart in a manner I can not put into words.

"Birds don't sing if the words don't sting
Your last few words in my still ring 
You told me you loved me, it was all in your tone 

I love my two sons was the code to your phone, now you gone"

Overall the last time we spoke my mom and I did what we always did. We listened how each other's day was going, she wanted her update on Julian and what project Kari was going to do, and she made fun of me in the way that only she could. It was a perfect call, it was a perfect talk. The last line when No Malice mentioned the codes to his father's phone, it made me think how all of my mom's passwords were usually grandchildren related. 

So yes, the cocaine fueled rap group of my youth did follow up with the rhymes I was looking for, the opening of this album....man. It hit me in a way that as previously mentioned had me weeping in my car. Granted currently it is not the most difficult task to make me cry currently, we all have faced loss in some form or another this was something that I felt spoke directly to me. 

I think Andscape writer Justin Tinsley said it best: 

"If grief is the cost of real love, then memories of my grandma, my mother and Pusha and Malice’s parents are part of life’s most valuable currency."