A Decade End With the Puma

Ah yes folks, another month and another year in the books. And I would like to tell you that I am not going to do some cheesy year end or decade end list so I won't! Instead what I will give you is some of the most hot fire free content that you will get from me. Sit back and enjoy you filthy animals.

Athlete of 2019: 

Megan Rapinoe:

"Are you not entertained!" 

I don't think it's even close who ends the year as my top athlete. Megan Rapinoe da Gawdess does it all baby. She is everything that one would want in an athlete to idolize. Does she have that swagger? Uh yeah that's an affirmative. Is she good at her sport? She turned the World Cup into the Rapinoe Show scoring 6 goals, winning player of the tournament, leading the US to another World Cup title and she gave that truth when it came to Donald Trump. When asked why she wouldn't go to the White House if invited and have a sit down with Mango Mussolini she said: “But I’m not going to be naive and think that I’m going to sit down with Trump and he’s going to change his mind. There are children locked up at the border who are dying, and that’s not fazing him. So why would I faze him?” She dominated on the field, she dominated off the field and the Puma can not help but to stan. 

Athlete of the Decade:

Serena Williams:
When I think of Serena Williams, I think of the infamous cat suit. 

Ok bad starting point, I also think of unparalleled dominance. In the teens, no one, man or woman, was her equal on the tennis court. She won 12 grand slam singles titles, 3 grand slam doubles titles, oh and she won 2 gold medals during that time. Hell she was so dominant, she won the Australian Open while damn near 2 months pregnant. Her "great" rival was Maria Sharapova. Can you guess what record Sharapova has against Serena? 2-20. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here. Nothing but respect for my president. 

My Album of the Decade:

To Pimp A Butterfly- Kendrick Lamar

Ok, I'll be honest, I don't listen to enough new music to give you an honest or fair opinion on what the album of the year should be. So instead in the last ten years no album has hit a brother quite like To Pimp A Butterfly. 

From the interlude 'For Free?' which he lets that bad bitch America know that this this dick ain't free to the anthem for the people 'Alright' which let us know that hey, we got us and we gonna be alright this album is the album I can listen to on repeat. Also Kendrick himself remained who he was as a person and continued to grow as an artist unlike my former favorite who won't be named here but rhymes with Ronye Jest.

TV Show of the Decade:

Game of Thrones
Last season aside, there has been no show that drew me in like Game of Thrones. From the first season and Ned Stark's journey trying to a just man in an unjust world to some of the most vile and disgusting villains that we have ever come across, this show had it all.

Ugh.

You talk to anyone who was a fan of GOT and just mention the Red Wedding and they may break down in tears. And I would be remised if I didn't mention that no tv show brought twitter together quite like Thrones. Shout out to #DemThrones and the Fiya Starter podcast. 

Movie of the Decade:

Black Panther

I get chills when I think about Black Panther. Was it the cinematic masterpiece that some would expect from the movie of the decade? Probably not. You can even make the argument that it wasn't the best Marvel movie of the decade. But what it was, was this beautiful piece of blackness that we don't get to see enough of, and that representation matters baby. After seeing it opening night I wrote this:
"I...I don't even really have words for what I just saw. Thank you Marvel and thank you Ryan Coogler. That awkward 8 year old who got a copy of Fantastic Four with a black super hero in it from a gas station in Mississippi is so damn happy with what he saw tonight."

2019 Grand Champion of Needing to Sit They Ass All The Way Down:

Your nominees are...

Meghan McCain

Ah yes, the patron saint of "do you know who my dad is?!?!" It's insane that in a world with the Trump spawn running around with high security clearances that Meghan McCain might be the one least qualified for her position.

I haven't mentioned in 7 minutes who my dad was! 

How in the holy hell did we let her get a gig as a nationally recognized political analyst when the highlight of her resume is as an intern on SNL. Holy hell, do we love the troops that much that we let the kids of vets just skate through? She whined her way all through 2019 and whether she is grand champion or not, I really hope her resolution for the new year is to have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

Mitch McConnell

This turtle faced bastard continued his history of being an irredeemable piece of shit. The peak of the ain't shitness of Mitch for me was his opposition to a bill that would form a committee to study the long term effects of slavery and whether reparations was needed. He fixed his reptilian non lips to utter: "We've tried to deal with our original sin of slavery by fighting a civil war, by passing landmark civil rights legislation. We elected an African American president..." Bitch you did not, just say we had a black president so we get a mulligan on slavery. Like tell me you didn't just say that.

And last but not least:

Donald Trump

...

Fuck Donald Trump. 

And the winner is...Ol' Cadet Bone Spurs himself, Donald Trump! I have long written about his history of being a piece of shit so this should really come as no surprise. Enjoy this award Trumpito with your piece of shit wife, piece of shit daughter, her piece of shit husband and the other nominees!

It wasn't even close really once you run down this piece of shit's greatest hits. Roll that beautiful bean footage!
*Having the largest federal housing discrimination suit ever filed against him.
*The Central Park Five and repeated calls for their incarceration despite DNA evidence exonerating the five.
*In the book "Trumped" he reportedly said: "The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys wearing yarmulkes.... Those are the only kind of people I want counting my money. Nobody else... Besides that, I tell you something else. I think that's guy's lazy. And it's probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks." This was later said to be true by *checks notes* Donald Trump in an interview with Playboy.
*After the Charlottesville Unite the Right rally he said that there were "very fine people on both sides." One side had white supremacists, neo-nazis, and members of the Klan. Very fine indeed.
*Telling democratic congresswomen to "Go back where they came from" despite the fact three were born here and all are citizens.
*Claimed Barack Obama wasn't born here and demanded to see his birth certificate. And if you don't understand how a con artist, demanding a black man to show his papers is racist as fuck do me a favor and block me now. 

Well folks, I think that's all I got in me, I injured my back playing Moana with my son. And it was in this moment I knew I was truly washed. So 2020 I welcome you with open arms, your washed king will continue to pump out petty ass take downs, sports takes that are not to be taken seriously and the occasional post that will get me a few new followers until they realize I am truly a ridiculous person.

Until next time, ya'll be easy. Peace. 

Episode 18: "Son They Shook/Cause Ain't No Such Things As Halfway Crooks"

In which I gift you all the the toddler-rific ramblings of the cub while still finding time to rip on Trumpito, Tulsi Gabbard, and even Meghan McCain gets a taste of this hot fire.

I Will Not Let Let These Go

You know I have been know to go on rants from time to time, sometimes on things that are trivial and quite mundane. Well I have something very important to write about, something that in these uncertain times we need to address. I refer of course to plot holes in the animated film Frozen. Why now you may be asking? Well my son has made me watch this movie probably 50 times in the last month and your boy always has a few questions.

* In the opening credits, a young Kristoff and Sven are out with the ice harvesters. 

Ya'll look real happy for someone about to be abandoned.

Pretty catchy scene right? Well if you notice, as Kristoff dangerously tries to get ice out of the water and on his sled, were those grown men just going to leave them out there if they didn't get the ice out in time? They were just going to abandon them weren't they? How else were they so easily adopted by the trolls. God bless those trolls. 

*After Anna gets hit in the face by Elsa's errant ice blast, her father races in and says I know where we have to go! 

"I had no idea where we were going."

They then proceed to go into the library and basically look up who can help and then have to yellow page directions to the trolls. Uh, that means you didn't know where you have to go! A slight thing to nitpick but then again this whole post is a grown man nitpicking a children's movie.

* After Elsa goes all crazy, Anna rides off after her. We can all agree that's pretty heroic. What preceded that heroic act was an act of sheer stupidity. She leaves Prince Hans in charge.

You CAN NOT trust an herb like this. He got mutton chops! 

The man she met that same day and hasn't been there long enough to even know where the damn bathrooms are. Come on Anna! You mean to tell me there wasn't a single adviser that helped raise you that you trust? 

*Anna buys a new dress and equipment at Oaken's Trading Post. How the hell did she pay for this? Did she always carry some cash on her?  I'm sure she didn't think she would have to go out on a midnight horse run to save her subzero sister. 

*In the end when Anna punches Hans in the face because shocker, dudes you just met that day with mutton chops can't be trusted, everyone cheers. Why is everyone cheering?

The audience knows he is a dickbag but the people of the kingdom should love this guy. He was handing out turkeys like Nino Brown in New Jack City! Also I am fairly certain that was the first Nino Brown/Frozen reference ever made! 

Alright well I think that's enough of this sweet pontificating. Tune in next time when this old curmudgeon goes all old man on something else the youth love.

Live look at me typing this.

Until next time, ya'll be easy. Peace.

Episode 17: "Go Shawty. It's Your Birthday"

In which I recount some of my more fond birthday memories and a new one. Spoiler alert, my bounce back game from the new memory leaves much to be desired. But first I take time to throw a few barbs at one Tim Tebow. Again.

Episode 16: Now I Do What I Want

In which your boy calls out the hypocrisy of a Mike Vick protest and gives some love to the young bloods out there being as weird as they want. 

Season 1 Episode 15: "What's Beef"

In which the spirit of Festivus flows through me and I give you my loyal five listeners what I have a problem with. I promise there is no mention of the Popeye's chicken sandwich but baby it's always on my mind.

Any requests or Space Jam 11s in a size 12 please feel free to email me at thepumapod@gmail.com

November's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Oh its that time once again, the time where ya boy sits upon his throne of pettiness and decides, to much delight by you, my loyal tens of readers, who needs to have a damn seat. Now in the world at large there were no shortage of contenders, hell I could make Devin Nunes the recipient of this award for two months straight due to his shenanigans at the impeachment inquiry but I'm gonna take it to the world of sports for this one. Tiki Barber, huddle up, and sit your ass down! 

Pictured a consummate pro, also pictured Tiki Barber.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with one Tiki Barber he was the extremely likable running back from the New York Giants for a decade. He was extremely charismatic, even had a twin brother in the NFL and seemingly was the kind of guy you would want to look up to if you were in need of a role model who was a pro athlete. Then the wheels kind of came off the bus. So while his college sweetheart was laid up, pregnant with twins mind you, he announced he was leaving her...for an intern he met while working on the Today Show...an intern who had babysat his children. 

Now to make matters worse, in an interview with Sports Illustrated, he described hiding out in his agent Mark Lepselter's attic so he wouldn't get caught on his secret trysts. "Lep's Jewish, so it was kind of like a reverse Anne Frank thing." That's right, the man having an affair compared hiding with his lover to hide from Nazi forces! If you're looking for easily a top 5 most despicable statement ever, congratulations you found it! 

Now I bring all this up because Tiki decided to get his name back out there to the masses while on his radio show giving this hot take. "I commend Kaepernick for what he's done past couple of years, but God, he is unlikable and that's frustrating to me because he has so much talent"

Is this guy for real? The last person that should be talking about someone being unlikable is Tiki "I left my pregnant wife for the intern who babysat our children" Barber. Sorry I'm not good at coming up with witty nicknames. Anywhoo, are there ways you can criticize how Kap has handled WorkoutGate? Sure. Is basing it off likability by a man who you can easily google his infidelities the move? HELL NO. Tiki is so damn awful that he got his twin brother canceled just because they look alike. Ronde Barber ain't do shit but stay with his wife and play football and now that man gets relegated to the C-Team of announcing on Fox Football. 

Well folks, that's all I got. Until next time ya'll be easy. 

"The Ballot or the Bullet"

In which I give you the greatest gift one can give his loyal 5 listener nation...a podcast giving my unsolicited opinions on politics! Play it at dinner, I'm sure it won't cause any arguments!

Season 1 Episode 13 "Knuck If You Buck"

In which I contend that the Pacers and Pistons melee was the wildest sports story of our time and still take time to go off on the NFL.

Season 1 Episode 12" "This Game Is Rigged"

In which I laugh at the shameless need for applause by the tangerine in chief and rant about the NCAA...again. 

Season 1 Episode 11 "Pursuit To Be Happy, Only Laughing Like A Child"

"In which I state my allegiance to the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich and still find time to give the business to old school cats for dissing new school stories."

Executive produced by Julian Da Gawd.

October's Sit Your Ass Down Award

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left ya'll without some unasked for assessments of public figures that I deem to be ridiculous! And while that doesn't roll of the tongue like the verse it was inspired by, I do know that seeing those words has no doubt filled your hearts with joy because it means it is that time again, the time for me to hand over the golden Lazy Boy and kindly alert the winner of said furniture to grab a seat and sit that ass down.

As with this year there has been no shortage of contenders this month. But given I have been in a very sports-centric mood, Houston Astros front office! Get your ass up here and sit your ass down!

"So then I tells the broad I says..."

Yes the highly touted front office of the Astros that took them from perennial losers to potential dynasty level talent really exposed themselves as real scum bags recently. I suppose I should start at the beginning, so last season one of the best closers in all of baseball was charged with abusing his girlfriend. He was suspended for 75 games. The Astros while this asset was at its lowest value traded for him, and while not the best move from a PR standpoint, I get it. You were able to get an all star player at bargain bin prices and it's not your job to further punish after he went through his suspension.

The problem began with the Astros winning the ALCS and during the ensuing celebration, there were a few women reporters, who had been highly critical (rightly so) of the move in the locker room. Not making any statements, just observing the celebration. 

Astros Asst. GM (Probably)

It was during this time Assistant GM Brandon Taubman felt the proper thing to do was to go all Chad Bro Chill on the women reporters and yell "Thank God we got Osuna! I'm so fucking glad we got Osuna!" 

Ugh, so let me get this straight, you find the only three women in the clubhouse, then immediately taunt them with boasts about a man widely believed to be a domestic abuser completely unprovoked? And after the story broke they completely denied that it happened and basically called the women liars. But then to make it worse, after calling the account a lie, trying to discredit the women and defending Chad er I mean Brandon, they basically go....my bad that did happen. Then the front office talked about how they wanted to apologize to the women in question in a press conference attended by 

THE SAME WOMEN THEY CALLED LIARS. Apologize then you dipshits!  

So yes every single person in the damn Astros front office can take a seat. To date, I'm still not sure if the women reporters ever received a real apology. Alright that's all the rambling I got in me today, ya'll be easy.

Season 1 Episode 10: "You Gon' Get This Work"

In which I lambaste both the college football establishment, ya'lls little president and anybody providing cover for his foolishness. A real treat for all my peoples.

Season 1 Episode 8: "If Truth Be Told Donald Is A Terrorist"

In which I quickly give my thoughts on who wins the NBA individual awards before going into a rage filled rant on the state of American politics.

NBA Takes That I feel Are Not Of The Spicy Variety

Hot damn folks we are on the brink of the NBA season and I for one could not be more excited. I am a downright fiend for basketball and despite what Mr."I think the game is more pure in college" says the best basketball in the world is played in the NBA. Period. Having said that it is time for me, a man who once thought Dame Lillard would be a bust to give you, my loyal tens of readers my thoughts on the upcoming NBA season.

"You thought what?!"

Enjoy!

Best Offseason Move:

There were a few here that are some layups such as the Clippers getting Paul George and Kawahi Leonard or the Lakers getting Anthony Davis. I think the best offseason in terms of completely avoiding disaster was the Pelicans getting a complete HAUL for Anthony Davis. 

Not a bad consolation prize.

We've seen numerous times a franchise player asks to be traded and the team is left getting scraps back in return. In this case the Pelicans got Lonzo Ball, an extremely talented and now motivated guard, Josh Hart, a solid guard off the bench, and Brandon Ingram, who could become a multiple timer all star. Add in the fact they got the number one pick and this team is put into position to be a contender sooner rather than later. 

Player That Will Have Me Michael Scott Crying All Season:

Me anytime the Hawks are on tv.

Vince Carter. My favorite player (non Chicago Bulls of course) during my teenage years was Vince Carter. I am a diehard UNC fan and seeing him get drafted did my heart so much good. I was not prepared however for the ways in which he would change the league. Seriously, this guy is the greatest in game dunker of all time.

He obliterated people's career before they even began and shamed entire nations, and in arguably the best Slam Dunk Contest ever it was a race for second place. So seeing that this is his final season has a brother all in his feelings. So Vinsanity, to you I tip my cap I hope you dominate the broadcasting game which I am sure you're headed for.

Rookie to Look Out For:

As a Bulls and a UNC fan, I believe I am contractually obligated to say Coby White. And in this case I actually mean it! White is a deceptively big point guard, who plays at a break neck speed and teaming him up with a freak athlete like Zach LaVine and a big man who can run the floor in Wendell Carter the opportunities for assists will be there.And unlike Kris Dunn he is able to score with great consistency. 

The Team I Am Already Sick Of:

Without a doubt it's the Houston Rockets. My god has a team who has flamed out so spectacularly in recent playoff runs that it's amazing they don't catch more heat. This is a team that has found new ways to lose to the Golden State Warriors, and then complain about it.

"The NBA hates me that's why we missed 27 straight 3's."

They complained about refs missing calls and from an analytical standpoint costing them games ignoring in a close out game they missed 27 straight threes. And then last year they lost to a Warriors team missing Kevin Durant. And on top of that the constant bitching about whether or not James Harden gets MVPs is just enough to make me root against them. Even though they traded away notorious dick puncher Chris Paul for one of my favorites in Russell Westbrook I still can't wish any good luck on this team. Sorry. 

So that's all I have for right now, in terms of predictions I could see a Clippers-Bucks final with Kawahi leading the Clips to a title. Now that I've said that it will be some random ass Finals but damn it that's one of the many reasons I love this league. Alright I'm out here, ya'll be easy. 

"Went From Most Hated To The Champion God Flow, I Guess That's A Feeling Only Me And Lebron Know"

In which I am all over the place celebrating the birth of a future contributor, lamenting another life lost and flat out confused by the backlash LeBron is getting right now. This is fun stuff friends.

Season 1 Episode 7: "And Still I See No Changes..."

In which I recount a harrowing terrifying test drive and then give some unfiltered thoughts on the Joker and the Amber Guyger trial. Real cheery stuff here folks.

Forgiveness and Grace...For Some

This one is not going to be funny (or in most of my posts, an attempt at being funny) this is just gonna be a brother working through some complex thoughts on a divisive situation. This week Amber Guyger was found guilty of the murder of Botham Jean, and subsequently was sentenced to 10 years. And while some rightfully expressed anger and outrage over the 10 year sentence she received there were a couple of things that perturbed a brother.

First off, as soon as the guilty verdict came down there was elation. For once it seemed that when a truly innocent person was killed by a police officer, there would be accountability. I was shocked when she was charged and even more so when she was convicted. A very happy shocked I must say. But then the verdict came and it was for ten years. People were upset, and rightfully so, then the wave of people who seemingly took joy in the shock and hurt that such a relatively light sentence could be given when the circumstances surrounding the case were just so damning. 

"I'm so sorry...that I am being punished for my actions."

She didn't administer aid, seemed in texts during the aftermath to be more concerned with her lost career not to mention rather racist texts that came to light later. An almost joyful refrain proclaiming how smart they were for having no hope of justice or mocking derision of those upset. As I said on twitter, I never want to see the day when I mock another person for being upset when a miscarriage of justice has occurred.

The other thing that bothered me was a moment. Botham Jean's brother gave the killer his forgiveness and it's being hailed as this great moment. And for me, it's just not. Now this doesn't apply to family, as they are allowed to do whatever helps them in their healing. However, the media pumping this up as this beautiful moment frankly disgusts me. So much grace and forgiveness shown to people who for one have not asked for it and second don't deserve it from the bulk of us. This smacks of the Charleston Church shooter trial. When apprehended he was hungry so police stopped and got him a goddamn sandwich, meanwhile little black girls are getting suplexed at pool parties. I've seen judges react with zero emotion as they hand down family altering sentences yet Amber gets a goddamn hug from the judge. She even had security guards brushing the hair out of her face.

Black and brown bodies are brutalized and yet instead of focusing on that, the focus is seemingly always put on the humanity of the brutalizer. We have to make sure Dylan Roof is not hungry, we have to make sure Amber Guyger isn't made to feel like less than a human when the focus should be on Botham Jean. The guy who was sitting in his home, chilling until a horny cop who at best was wildly incompetent to ever carry a badge killed him. This isn't a beautiful moment. So while the family is free to grieve how they grieve, and are free to forgive who they want to forgive, this doesn't mean you can use their forgiveness as a means to shame people who are rightfully angry. If all you can focus on is his forgiveness and not Botham Jean's humanity then it is nothing more than a means to silence the conversation which may lead you to some uncomfortable truths about yourself.

A writer who I am fond of, David Dennis Jr. said it best in a piece he wrote: “And I’m angry that the examples of the courts getting sentencing right or using compassion for criminals often come when its a white person on the wrong side of the judge’s stand. I don’t want Amber Guyger to be treated like a Black person. I want Black people to be treated like Amber Guyger.”

Season 1 Episode 6: "Bitch I'm Tom Hanks"

Season 1 Episode 5: "Like Tony Romo When He Hittin Witten."

Season 1 Episode 4: "Yeah Chico, You're Talking To The Bad Guy"

August Sit Your Ass Down Award

What it is baby, what it is?! It is that time of year again where I, your favorite 8 time fantasy baseball participant takes time to give you , my loyal army of 10s what you need and what you crave. As with most months I didn't have a shortage of people who need to be told to have a damn seat. I was leaning towards the news anchor who told her black co-anchor he looked like a gorilla but then the heavens opened up and said to me..."Puma, this asshat has said something remarkably stupid." An lo and behold, the person who needs most to sit that ass down is...Doug Gottlieb! Dougie get your ass up here and sit your ass down.

Unfamiliar with who Doug Gottlieb is? Well he is an insufferable college basketball analyst and former player. Most known for his swift hands and penchant for steals.

Unfortunately those steals were not on the court but rather his teammate's credit cards. But I digress. When the news broke of Andrew Luck's retirement, Mr. Gottlieb felt it was the perfect time to bless the world with his insight.

Retiring cause rehabbing is “too hard” is the most millennial thing ever #AndrewLuck

— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) August 25, 2019

 You know Doug, you could have said nothing, yet what you chose to do was express a thought so stupid and void of any logic that even Britt McHenry rightly roasted that ass.

1. The use of millennial as an insult? Come on Doug, that the best you got?
2. Deciding to choose a life void of physical and mental pain caused by injuries in football is a bad thing? Help me out here.
3. If you listened to the entire 30 minute retirement press conference not once does Andrew Luck mention rehab being "too hard." He does mention mental anguish of the repetitive cycle of injury, rehab to get healthy, then injury, rehab to get healthy seemingly endlessly.

He also mentions that the game he once loved, had left him miserable. He's 29 years old. He has interests outside of football. If he can let go of the game and begin to become happy once again, who the hell is anyone to criticize it. Screw your team, screw your fantasy football, this is a man's life. A life he has worked hard for and should get to happily enjoy the fruits of said labor. But no, according to a man who has....

Zero NFL games under his belt he feels that a guy who in 6 years battled the following injuries:
*Torn cartilage in 2 ribs
* partially torn abdomen
* a lacerated kidney
* at least 1 concussion
* a torn labrum in his throwing shoulder
* and this mysterious calf/ankle issue that was the final straw

And his defense of his remarkably idiotic point? 
"Anyone who hires a millennial will say, 'You know what, it’s kind of amazing, they’re really smart, kind of worldly, they come in, sort of think they know everything, but they’ll get after it and work hard.’ Then they want a raise like two weeks later. That sound like any football players you know? Want a raise as soon as they see any sort of success even though their contract says otherwise?"

Soft millennial, why don't you have some more avocado toast?

How does that apply to Andrew Luck and his retiring? Because if memory serves correct Luck
earned his contract, never held out and lest I forget was wildly successful. A four time pro bowler, he led the league in touchdown passes in 2014, and was the Comeback Player of the Year just last season. That's a wildly successful career that had to be hard to walk away from, not the petulant actions of a brat who wasn't given what he wanted.

So to Doug Gottlieb, the man with credit card fraud, betrayal of the only coach to give him a second chance, and countless shitty takes, please grab this Lazy Boy and sit your ass down.

Season 1 Episode 3: "Woop Woop Chicken Chicken"

Season 1 Episode 2: It's Another Hit Barry Bonds

SummerSlam Weekend Extravaganza

The world is in disarray, social unrest and things just don't appear to be getting any better. In trying times like this I sit back and think what can I, ya boy, do to give the people what they want...no what the people need. Ah yes. The people need me out here waxing poetically on professional wrestling! Now I used to give my opinion on every match on the card but sweet lord I don't have 6 months to pontificate so instead I shall give you my five favorite moments from the year in professional wrestling so far. Enjoy jerks!

Honorable Mention: 

*Shingo Takagi and his run through the New Japan Junior Heavyweights.

*Johnny Gargano finally winning the big one.

*The Return of Bray Wyatt as the Fiend. 

5. Becky Lynch, Charlotte Flair and Ronda Rousey Headline Wrestlemania 
We are just a few years removed from the era of women either getting no matches on the card or getting extremely demeaning matches and storylines. Flair, Rousey and Lynch closed out the show and what a match it was. The fans clamored for Becky Lynch to win the title and deep into the night she surprise pinned the mainstream favorite Ronda Rousey and became the first woman to win the main event.

4. The Indie Explosion Continues in NXT
As the main shows have called up talent from NXT there has always been the expectation that NXT would see a drop off in quality.

WRONG! Triple H has found ways to convince some of the worlds greatest Independent talent to join the WWE. ACH, Trevor Lee, Keith Lee, Jonah Rock and even managers such as Stokely Hathaway have all made their way to Stamford and just reloaded the yellow and black brand in time for a rumored move to FS1 and a two hour show.

3. The Departure of Dean Ambrose and the Rise of Jon Moxley

When rumors began surfacing that Ambrose was unhappy and on the way out it was pretty widely accepted that he would either go into acting or just take a break and return back to the WWE. WRONG. Hours after his contract was up a trailer promising the return of Jon Moxley was up and return to his violent ways he did. Making a huge return at the AEW show attacking Kenny Omega.

 He followed that up with matches against Joey Janela, winning the US Championship in New Japan Wrestling, and a highly entertaining run in the G1 Tournament. With AEW getting it's own tv show in October the legend of Mox should only grow.

2. Kofi Kingston Finally Winning the WWE Championship

I wrote about this a few months ago.
"So as a black wrestling fan, to see someone so unabashedly black, ascend to the point where he can be the first "one of us" kind of champions means a lot. Someone who has never changed who he was despite the fact he could have gotten to this point in his career much sooner had he done so. And to have it happen so organically just shows that fans are ready to not only believe in but also get behind and support a black champion."

Kofi followed through on that promise and is in the midst of a run that he has deserved for years.

1. Cody VS Dustin Rhodes
My favorite moment of the year has been without a doubt the story told by Cody and Dustin Rhodes. The star on his way out, challenged by his younger brother all in the shadow of their father's legacy. The build to the match was done by excellent video packages and the match they put on was a brutal and bloody affair. The cherry on this storytelling sundae however was the post match promo delivered by Cody which echoed the famous "View Never Changes" promo Dusty gave Dustin before Clash of Champions.



Well there you have it, my favorite moments so far. With Summerslam tonight who knows if I will have to expand this list later.

July's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Another month has come and gone so it means it is time for I, ya boy, to give you what you want. Another sometimes angry, sometimes funny, always ridiculous takedown of someone who is just doing the most! This month, ooooh, buddy. Buckle up buckaroos because this shit has been percolating for a smooth minute. Donald J. Trump, get your clementine hued ass up here and sit your ass down!

Ya'll man is out here using scotch tape on his ties. Scotch. Tape.

Donald Trump is a piece of shit. I'm not really willing to hear any other opinions that differ from this. I say this not based on any of his policies, which are shit-tastic but on his damn near 40 year track record of being a boil on the ass of society prior to becoming president. "But how could you say that? He's not that bad!" Au contraire idiot. Allow me to run through Some of his greatest hits.

*Having the largest federal housing discrimination suit ever filed against him.
*The Central Park Five and repeated calls for their incarceration despite DNA evidence exonerating the five.
*In the book "Trumped" he reportedly said: "The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys wearing yarmulkes.... Those are the only kind of people I want counting my money. Nobody else... Besides that, I tell you something else. I think that's guy's lazy. And it's probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks." This was later said to be true by *checks notes* Donald Trump in an interview with Playboy.
*After the Charlottesville Unite the Right rally he said that there were "very fine people on both sides." One side had white supremacists, neo-nazis, and members of the Klan. Very fine indeed.
*Telling democratic congresswomen to "Go back where they came from" despite the fact three were born here and all are citizens.
*Claimed Barack Obama wasn't born here and demanded to see his birth certificate. And if you don't understand how a con artist, demanding a black man to show his papers is racist as fuck do me a favor and block me now. 



Woo alrighty, your boy is getting sufficiently heated. The fact that people are still shocked by what this charlatan does is probably the most surprising thing to me. And lest we forget he gave us the most awful sell of a Stone Cold Stunner that humanity has ever seen.

Alright, that's my time! You've been terrific!

Season 1 Episode 1: Allow Me To Re-introduce myself.

Oh beav, you knew one day it had to happen. I give to you, my loyal fives of readers the opportunity to enjoy your boy in podcast form!

NBA Free Agency Breakdown

My lawd. Just when you think the NBA has taken it's foot off the other major sports league's necks, even their free agency period is lit. This league is the best and if you want to argue find your third grade teacher and debate Ms. Hanover because ya boy will not hear it! It would be far too many moves for me to go through to try and grade each one but I will give you my 10 thoughts from this hectic ass week that has literally changed the landscape of the league.

10. Basketball fans collectively weep...Bobi and Tobi have been separated.
One of the more endearing tales of friendship in sports or really any other facet of life really has been the very public frendship of teammates Boban Marjanovic and Tobias Harris. The 7'3 Serbian and the mild mannered New Yorker have been teammates since 2016 in Detroit but they really hit the social media world with their web series as members of the LA Clippers. The acquisition gods shined on us when Harris was traded to Philly and Bobi was included but alas all good things must come to an end.

We were not worthy.

9. I...don't hate the Chicago Bulls offseason thus far.
I know this has become a popular place to shit on the moves of the Chicago Bulls but I have to give credit where it's due. They have not been a complete dumpster fire. Now what they will do with this roster coaching wise remains to be seen but the roster moves themselves...I'm not opposed. First off they had a good draft, picking up my UNC son Coby White and in the second round grabbing Daniel Gafford who is giving me serious Taj Gibson vibes. We have some blind spots but picking up Thaddeus Young and Tomas Satoransky at least helps the team and ensures we are at best a middle of the pack team...again.

8. If you were mad at Durant for leaving OKC you better be furious at Paul George. 
My God did Paul George ever screw a team over. I got no problem with players deciding their own destiny but this move really accelerates any plans of having a playoff caliber team in OKC this season.

Just one year after signing an extension to stay with the Thunder and having an MVP caliber season George demanded a trade because he wanted to play with his friend which I get. However Durant got called a snake for leaving when his contract was up so I'm looking forward to see what you Thunder fans have in store.

7. Where in the world does the Brodie land?
The fallout of the Paul George trade is that now the rebuild is on in OKC and that means the man who has put the team on his back and had no intention of leaving is probably gonna be shipped out. Given his contract there are very few places Russell Westbrook could land. It appears that given his loyalty to the team the Thunder are only going to ship Westbrook where he would like to play and so we are on the precipice of a Jimmy Butler and Russell Westbrook backcourt. So if you are a Heat player guess what...

6.  The 76ers have one year to go all in before the Brooklyn juggernaut arises.
While Kevin Durant recuperates and the baby Nets get some experience while Kyrie and Deandre Jordan get the attention and or criticism, the Sixers who have been on the uptick the past two season have got to go all in before things get real difficult.

They did just that by bucking the small ball trend of other teams and going for possibly the biggest lineup in the league by signing Al Horford who silently is one of the best defenders in the league and really just a guy who you need when you have some of the biggest personalities in sports on the roster and yeah the Sixers have that in both Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid.

5. Little Brothers on each coast take over the town. 
Coming into this season we, the basketball fan collective just KNEW the Lakers and Knicks would be players in free agency. And while the Lakers were able to acquire Anthony Davis the plan was to form a big three with Kawahi Leonard, Jimmy Butler, or any other top flight free agent.

As for the Knicks it was a foregone conclusion that Kyrie and KD would make their way to the Big Apple, and while they did it was the Nets luring them to Brooklyn. And then the damn Clippers pulled a miracle and got Kawhi Leonard AND Paul George. So while the Lakers are still in a good space, they are clearly the B-show in their own building and as for the Knicks I hear there is a good pizza place down the street from MSG at least.

4. Jerry West is the greatest NBA executive of all and it's not even close.
Ok, so let's run through Jerome Alan West's record as an executive shall we? In the late 70s he coached the Lakers for three seasons, making the playoffs all three seasons. In the 80s he helped construct the Showtime Lakers which won 5 championships. Rebuilt the Lakers in the 90s by trading Vlade Divac for a rookie shooting guard named Kobe Bryant, signed Shaquille O'Neal and and got Phil Jackson as coach.  Boom, three more championships.

"Put some respect on my name bitches!"

Then he took it easy as general manager of the Memphis Grizzlies and turned them from a fledgling organization about to be sold to a regular playoff contender. Follow that with helping turn the Warriors in the juggernaut they were by signing Iguodala and Durant. Now in LA he has turned the Clippers into instant title contenders by signing to Kawhi and acquiring Paul George. Your. Fave. Could. Never.

3.  Has any team ever recovered as fast as the New Orleans Pelicans?
Usually when a generational talent demands a trade or walks from a team, the team that loses him rarely gets fair compensation. The team tends to fall into the lottery and languish there for a years. See: the post Lebron Cavaliers. Not the Pelicans.

I could do this if I wanted to, I just don't want to. 

First things first, they went out and got a real basketball man in David Griffin to run the team. And run it he did, turning Anthony Davis into Josh Hart, Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, a lottery pick that turned out to be Jaxson Hayes, signed JJ Reddick oh and chose some bozo named Zion Williamson. You hate to lose out on Anthony Davis but if you have to, restocking the cupboard like this is kind of a dream come true.

2. The Lakers lost out on Kawahi, and that's ok. 
Lost in the fact the Lakers lost the Kawahi Leonard sweepstakes is that the Lakers vastly improved their roster into one capable of contending in the wide open Western Conference. First of all they've added Danny Green, Boogie Cousins, Avery Bradley, re-signed Rajon Rondo and most importantly they added one of the top three most talented players in the league in Anthony Davis.

Anthony Davis can do it all, and is probably the best shot blocker in the league with the ability to guard on the perimeter as well. Trust me when I say the Lake Show will be just fine.

1. Kawhi Leonard is Kayzer Soze.
Well, well, well. All the talk this offseason was how LeBron was acting as a pseudo GM all the while the Fun Guy himself lurked in the wings just waiting to drop the biggest bomb of the summer. Calling top stars to see who would like to join him on the west coast. Durant and Jimmy Butler decided against that move but he had one more call to make.

Keep laughing...

To the guy still under contract, Paul George. From there the Thunder and Clipper struck a deal sending Danillo Gallinari, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and a shit ton of picks for George, re-signing Patrick Beverly, and they still have enough to get a veteran on the minimum. We laughed at his laugh all last year, well now who's laughing?

Well that is all I have for now, I've been staying up until midnight watching Summer League and feeling old seeing that Trajan Langdon is a GM and Miles Simon is a coach. 

June's Sit Your Ass Down Award

The summer months have begun to heat up and so has the asshattery of a few people. This month however there was no competition. People who want to shit on the recent talk of reparations, bring your ass up here and sit your ass down. You about to get this work!

Look at this turtle faced bastard

So earlier this year a bill was introduced into congress which reignited the highly divisive topic of reparations for African Americans. Judging from some of the talks you would think the bill introduced was suggesting every black person gets to go in a white person's house and take a few items of their choosing. Not true, H.R. 40 introduced into congress by Rep. Sheila Lee "establishes the Commission to Study and Develop Reparation Proposals for African-Americans to examine slavery and discrimination in the colonies and the United States from 1619 to the present and recommend appropriate remedies." Yeah that's right, people are losing their shit over a a bill that forms a committee to do research.

Brief tangent here, why is it that when the topic of reparations comes up people expect a fully formed plan of action? There is no working through options, there is no let's hear ideas, it's "well how you gonna pay for it?" Well jackass maybe someone should introduce a bill to do a little research. Jesus Phillipe Christ!

One of my favorite oppositions to the talks of reparations is, well no one alive today was a slave owner and to that I say kiss the most chocolate portion of my taut and firm ass. No shit no one alive today was around but I don't know, maybe the system of trading and breaking up families may have some effects that could take a while to fix. And when you throw on top of that the era of Jim Crow until say....I don't know say 1968 you may have set a group of people back based clearly on their race and that should be rectified. So ignoring the sin of slavery (some of you are good at that) you still have the sin of housing discrimination, educational discrimination, societal discrimination to atone for and there are ways that can be done.

And for Mitch McConnell to fix his non-existent lips to say "We've tried to deal with our original sin of slavery by fighting a civil war, by passing landmark civil rights legislation. We elected an African American president..."

Who's man is this?

1. Slaves fought for their freedom as well, and if we're gonna talk about the Civil War, can we also talk about how for every slave that was freed their "owner" got $300. Yeah, they lost and still got paid.
2. The country passed landmark civil rights legislation this is true, but it doesn't mean shit if you try rolling back a lot of those landmark bills.
3. Electing a black president doesn't count as reparations you Mason Verger stunt double. And implying that it is counts as a wildly insulting and condescending claim.

"We gave you blacks a president, what more do you want?!"

So in summation, Ol' Mitchy can get the hell out of here with that.

And before I go, if the idea of again doing research on reparations is going to push someone to vote for Donald Trump, let me clue you in on a little secret...THEY WERE VOTING FOR HIM ALREADY.  Woo lawd my blood pressure is up. Let me get out of here and think about something more calming. Like the imminent return of Rick and Morty!

The Puma Grades the NBA Draft

Ah yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year for us basketball nerds. It's NBA Draft followed by free agency baby! First off let me get this off my chest. The NBA is the best league out there, this is not up for debate, if you want to debate go and debate your mother. They give us a compelling series where a team that's been a juggernaut through the last half a decade becomes scrappy under dogs due to injury and then not even 48 hours later we get the blockbuster trade that sends Anthony Davis to the Lakers. My God Adam Silver, let us breathe! With all that said let's get your boy's thoughts on the top ten picks.

1. New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson, PF, Duke
This may be the biggest duh pick in the recent history. The Pelicans go from being a clown show and losing out on a generational talent without fair compensation with Anthony Davis wanting out to getting 3 NBA ready talents in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram and Josh Hart, plus a draft pick then boom they win the lottery and get the most insane athlete since LeBron.

You gotta be kidding me.

 Seriously guys his size should not be able to move the way he does, be that fast and jump that high. He's more than just a dunker though, he has a great defensive feel and for a player of his caliber shows an unselfishness that's quite refreshing.
Grade: A+

2. Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant, PG, Murray State
This guy is by far the most ridiculously athletic point guard I have seen probably since Derrick Rose. What really jumps out to me watching him play is his defensive tenacity. Long arms and elite speed side to side means he is always in front of his man.

Rebounds remarkably well, and although he isn't Steph Curry level on the three point shot, his form is solid and has shown an ability to knock down those long range shots. I think he is going to be the perfect piece to add to Jaren Jackson Jr. and begin the next era of Memphis Grizzlies basketball.
Grade: A +

3. New York Knicks: RJ Barrett, SF, Duke
RJ Barrett in any other year is probably the sure fire top pick.  A very capable scorer who while his jumper is technically sound, the shots didn't drop at the frequency you'd like. However even with all that there is a reason he was the top prospect in his high school class.

He is an elite scorer, with an unparalleled basketball IQ, I mean his father is an executive with Canada basketball and his godfather is Steve Nash.  He does at times have a tendency to play hero ball but if your consolation prize is RJ Barrett I think you're going to be just fine.
Grade: A+

4. Atlanta Hawks: Deandre Hunter, SF, Virginia
Virginia is quietly building a reputation as a pro factory. Their players are always well coached and have a great feel for the game and Hunter is no exception. The lanky 6'7 forward is reminiscent of Toronto's Paskal Siakim. Excellent defender and is able to guard any position on the floor. And given the limitations that offensive super nova Trae Young has he is the perfect player to be paired with him.
Grade: A

5. Cleveland Cavaliers: Darius Garland, SG, Vanderbilt
Garland himself is a bit of a wild card but I see why any team would want him. He only played in 5 games but displayed a speed and elusiveness that any coach would be ecstatic to have. Where my trepidation comes in is the Cavs drafted a point guard last year in Collin Sexton. Now why would one draft two point guards in the lottery unless one is on the way out or they are planning some really weird lineups now that former U of Michigan coach John Beilein is the coach. Either way seems like a wing player would have been a more prudent choice.
Grade: C+

6. Minnesota Timberwolves: Jarrett Culver, SG, Texas Tech
This appears to be a case of drafting the best player on the board and in this case that appears to be the strategy. There is already a glut of wing players on the team but Culver is easily better than a lot of them. A very diverse skilled offensive player, who's only weaknesses are all thing that can be improved upon easily. He needs to add weight to his frame, and he has to tighten the handles up but I would expect him to come into next season working on all those things. If the Wolves can get a buyer for Andrew Wiggins deal a backcourt with Culver certainly makes the Wolves a playoff contender.
Grade: B

7. Chicago Bulls: Coby White, PG, North Carolina
I am wild excited about this pick. It combines two of my irrational loves. UNC Basketball and Chicago Bulls basketball. And while one has given me more joy than the other in recent years I just can't get off this narcotic as Bomani Jones would say.

Can play either backcourt position and has a diverse offensive skill set. Capable of hitting the three from NBA range and has an ability to get to the rim and finish with either hand. Given how aggressive he is it is quite refreshing to see he is also quite unselfish. His speed can be to his detriment as he moves so fast that he gets ahead of plays and passes at that speed can be inaccurate, all things however that can be improved.
Grade: A+

8. New Orleans Pelicans: Jaxson Hayes, C, Texas
Did anyone have a better draft week than the Pelicans? Seriously. They trade Anthony Davis, get two starter level players and a very good bench player. Then they go with the biggest duh in recent draft history with Zion Williamson at one. Given all the new offensive options to go along with Jrue Holiday, they needed a little defense. Enter Jaxson Hayes. An elite post defender with the speed and agility that allows him to play perfect pick and roll defense. An adept offensive rebounder who can finish and shoots free throws at an impressive clip for a big man he could be a day one starter for the newly exciting Pelicans.

Grade: A

9. Washington Wizards: Rui Hachimura, SF/PF, Gonzaga
A very confident and well coached player. He came to the game a little late so sometimes he looks little awkward but it also means all the bad habits one would pick up over the years he has not. A very solid defensive player, and shoots free throws at a very good clip for a player of his position. Very good ball handler and passer who can even bring the ball up the court. Not sure if he'll be an all-star but definitely think he's going to have a very long and productive career.
Grade: B

10. Atlanta Hawks: Cam Reddish, SG/SF, Duke
Rounding out the top ten is the third Duke player so far and it fills me with disgust. That said I fully expect Reddish to be much more at home in the NBA than he was at Duke. He was the third option who at times seemed to force shots in an effort to get his shine. Very good finisher, although not physical relies more on finesse.An underrated defender as his over 7 foot wingspan allows him to rebound well when inspired and he does get quite a few help side blocks. Atlanta gets great value and  great running mate to Trae Young.
Grade: B+



And there you have it. I like everyone else knew the top three after that shit got wild which is part of the fun baby. Now that the rookies are in place will this kick off free agency to it's exciting crescendo that tells us where all the major pieces fall? Does Paul Pierce shit his pants and play it off as an injury so he can get wheeled off without people seeing his shit caked shorts? You know the answer is yes! Not sure how this turned into roasting Paul Pierce but here we are. Alright, you guys take it easy.

May's Sit Your Ass Down Award

The time has come for me, ya boy, the puma of chocolate origins to give you, my loyal fives of readers my opinion on who needs to have a seat. As with the previous months there have been no shortage of candidates who have been doing so much that they need to be told to have a seat. This month a group who has long needed to be told to have a seat...BASEBALL PURISTS! Get your ass up here and sit your ass down.

People wonder why baseball is waning in popularity and I could point to some reasons such as poor promotion of it's talents. Seriously, Mike Trout is a once in a generation talent, and if he were to walk in here with a sandwich board on that said "I'm Mike Trout" I'd still need to see two forms of government ID to know who he was.

...which one is Mike Trout?

No the big reason baseball is waning in popularity is it is legislating the fun right out the game with the so called "unwritten rules of the game." What are these unwritten rules you may be asking? Let's go over just a few so you can decide how absurd they are. And spoiler alert, they're all ridiculously absurd.
"Don't celebrate after hitting a home run."

So let me get this straight, you want me to hit a baseball that I don't know where it's going, being hurled at 90+ miles per hour, combine hand-eye coordination to decide whether or not to swing and whether to pull or go with the pitch all within a quarter of a second and not celebrate if I hit it 400 feet? You must be joking. I hit a home run I'm having a damn tea party in the batter's box and everyone is invited.

"Don't show up the pitcher."
In regards to my last rule where one does all he needs to and hits a home run you can't celebrate this physical marvel at all. You are supposed to put your head down and just chug along around the bases lest you hurt the pitcher's feelings.

Just keep chugging...

The hell is that nonsense? Again, if I hit a home run I may do the snap dance around the bases. You know what may be showing up the pitcher? Hitting a 500 foot home run! It's team fuck being humble over here baby!

"You can't bunt to break up a no hitter." 
So let me get this straight...

How dare he get on base?!

In a game where the goal is to get on base and score runs, if a team has no hits you aren't supposed to use a method of getting on base because...reasons? That makes absolutely no damn sense! A bunt is not a guaranteed hit, field your damn position and get the runner out if you want to keep your no hitter.
So there you have it, baseball needs more Tim Andersons, less jack wagons like the super sensitive Kansas City Royals pitcher who can't handle a bat flip and hits guys in the head and your game may be saved.

This is now a Tim Anderson stan page. Thanks.