May's Sit Your Ass Down Award

The time has come for me, ya boy, the puma of chocolate origins to give you, my loyal fives of readers my opinion on who needs to have a seat. As with the previous months there have been no shortage of candidates who have been doing so much that they need to be told to have a seat. This month a group who has long needed to be told to have a seat...BASEBALL PURISTS! Get your ass up here and sit your ass down.

People wonder why baseball is waning in popularity and I could point to some reasons such as poor promotion of it's talents. Seriously, Mike Trout is a once in a generation talent, and if he were to walk in here with a sandwich board on that said "I'm Mike Trout" I'd still need to see two forms of government ID to know who he was.

...which one is Mike Trout?

No the big reason baseball is waning in popularity is it is legislating the fun right out the game with the so called "unwritten rules of the game." What are these unwritten rules you may be asking? Let's go over just a few so you can decide how absurd they are. And spoiler alert, they're all ridiculously absurd.
"Don't celebrate after hitting a home run."

So let me get this straight, you want me to hit a baseball that I don't know where it's going, being hurled at 90+ miles per hour, combine hand-eye coordination to decide whether or not to swing and whether to pull or go with the pitch all within a quarter of a second and not celebrate if I hit it 400 feet? You must be joking. I hit a home run I'm having a damn tea party in the batter's box and everyone is invited.

"Don't show up the pitcher."
In regards to my last rule where one does all he needs to and hits a home run you can't celebrate this physical marvel at all. You are supposed to put your head down and just chug along around the bases lest you hurt the pitcher's feelings.

Just keep chugging...

The hell is that nonsense? Again, if I hit a home run I may do the snap dance around the bases. You know what may be showing up the pitcher? Hitting a 500 foot home run! It's team fuck being humble over here baby!

"You can't bunt to break up a no hitter." 
So let me get this straight...

How dare he get on base?!

In a game where the goal is to get on base and score runs, if a team has no hits you aren't supposed to use a method of getting on base because...reasons? That makes absolutely no damn sense! A bunt is not a guaranteed hit, field your damn position and get the runner out if you want to keep your no hitter.
So there you have it, baseball needs more Tim Andersons, less jack wagons like the super sensitive Kansas City Royals pitcher who can't handle a bat flip and hits guys in the head and your game may be saved.

This is now a Tim Anderson stan page. Thanks.