Hot damn it's that time. Yes your favorite blog writing guy is going to do what you, the tens of readers hath begged upon him. Yes I shall break down all of the matches from the upcoming Clash of Champions pay per view and give you who in my humble opinion should win. Without further ado I give you my predictions.
Breezango VS The Bludgeon Brothers
One of the biggest surprises during the brand split has been the popularity of Breezango and their weekly skits "The Fashion Files." What I loved is that it finally gives these two very competent wrestlers tv time and a chance to actually wrestle more than being a squash. However that is not what this match is going to be.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan in their best War Machine from Ring of Honor cosplay gimmick they got going are being built as monsters. Unfortunately that means my very stylish boys are gonna have to do the J-O-B. Winner: The Bludgeon Brothers
The Usos VS The New Day VS Shelton Benjamin & Chad Gable VS Rusev & Aiden English (Smackdown Tag Team Championships)
This...is a mess. Now it could either be a beautiful chaos or it could be a clunky confusion. My guess given those involved is that it will be beautiful chaos. The New Day and the Usos are the cream of the tag team crop. Gable and Benjamin are two of the best pure wrestlers out there. And Rusev and Aiden English have surprised everyone with their Rusev Day gimmick. I have absolutely no storyline idea as to who will win so I'm going with what I wish will happen but probably won't. Everyone...IT'S RUSEV DAY!
Winner: Rusev and Aiden English
Natalya VS Charlotte Flair (Lumberjack match for WWE Women's Championship)
The match itself is not in doubt. Charlotte is going to retain. The real question is how. This is a lumberjack match and something tells me this is going to be used as a vehicle to get the Riott squad over. If I had to take a guess, a fight will break out on the outside and somehow spill into the ring causing a disqualification and leaving Ruby Riott standing tall over the Women's Champ until Becky Lynch returns to run them off. Winner: Charlotte (via shenanigans)
Bobby Roode VS Dolph Ziggler VS Baron Corbin (United States Championship)
Dolph Ziggler being added to this match tells me one thing, and that is Baron Corbin is going to lose the United States title. Ziggler's main role in this match is going to make Roode and Corbin's offense look devastating as that man can sell his ass off and eat the pin from Bobby Roode to keep him looking strong because I'd imagine he is on his way to feuding for the World Title with AJ Styles until the Royal Rumble.
Winner: Bobby Roode
Jinder Mahal VS AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
They tried to add a swerve with the Singh brothers seemingly growing a backbone and vowing vengeance for months of shitty treatment by Mahal when he was champ. That...was a lie. So I'd imagine the Singhs will take some kind of insane bump that will make them look as though they are dying and AJ will have just enough time to hit a Phenomenal Forearm on Jinder and retain the title. I fully believe AJ will hold the title until at least Wrestlemania when we get the Nakamura-AJ match we have all been craving and Jinder shall drop to the upper midcard. Winner: AJ Styles
Randy Orton & Shinuske Nakamura VS Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
This match is downright infuriating. First off we're supposed to cheer for Shane McMahon but in actuality he's been the biggest heel in this entire feud. Constantly seeking vengeance for something you got revenge for already just seems like a dick move. And kind of insinuating they should be fired is the dick bag cherry on Shane's shitty sundae.
That said I expect it to be a pretty good match as three of them are outstanding in the ring and Randy Orton ain't half bad either. You can probably expect a pretty good match with Shane and Daniel Bryan finding themselves at odds. That being said there is no way Sami and Kevin lose this match and their kayfabe jobs. They'll be fine and the Kevin and Sami show will roll onward. Winner: Owens and Zayn
There we have it. The next pay per view we get will be one of the big four, The Royal Rumble which will put us firmly on the road to Wrestlemania. I'll be here of course to give my opinion which will undoubtedly be wrong but I'll give it anyway. Be easy humanoids.
Ah 2017, what a year it has been for trash individuals to get called out by yours truly. From Jason Whitlock to Bo Bice, one of my favorite parts of one of the more trash years in recent history has been my monthly ode to someone who should be having all of the seats. And now here we are, the end of the year and someone has to be the recipient of the Golden Lazy Boy.
Ol' Uncle pudding pop makes the finals specifically for the biggest jackasses in the world. So he may not have been able to NBC but he got that going for him.
This turtle faced bastard is doing his damnedest to undo everything that Obama put into place during his presidency and is gonna drag us down at a faster than Tortoise pace to get this done.
And the winner...your 2017 Sit Your Ass Down Grand Champion is...
BILL COSBY!
Bill get your (allegedly) blind ass up here so you can sit your ass down!
For years he used his position of power to harass, drug and sexually assault women. He did all this while simultaneously excoriating the black community for what he perceived to be the ills of said community. You hypocritical predatory blight on humanity, how dare you lecture anyone on anything besides schilling for Kodak film or slinging pudding pops in these streets. And now whenever someone is accused of sexual misconduct the same dumb ass meme floats around, "Well when it was Bill Cosby..." First of all let me say this, fuck Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby ain't my daddy and I don't have to give him one iota of respect. He was a great stand up and made a tv show I liked, doesn't give him carte blanche to go out here dropping drugs into women's drinks etc and taking advantage of them.
And saying this was an example of the man trying to bring down a powerful black man....uh no. I'll buy that if you're talking about Colin Kaepernick, Craig Hodges or Mahmoud Abdoul Raouf but this respectability politics hustler? Please do me a favor.
So congratulations on being a completely horrible human being ol' Billy Barbiturates, your prize is hopefully a nice trip to prison and loss of your wealth but I doubt any of that happens.
Alright folks this wraps up a successful year of hating. I look forward to calling out the first jackass of 2018.
Another year in the books so you know that means, time for the year end lists to begin rolling out. I like many lazy bloggers shall do what my predecessors before me did, give you my unsolicited opinion that you may or may not even remotely care about. Enjoy!
Rookie of the Year:
Velveteen Dream (NXT)
He came up on the show Tough Enough as well basically just a generic wrestler. After a few quick losses where his gimmick was seemingly guy who wears American flag pants he was reintroduced as "The Velveteen Dream" a crossover between Prince and Jimi Hendrix.
At first very meh, then he began hitting his stride striking the perfect balance of creepy and intense. Then came the feud with Aleister Black and holy shit buckets did it deliver. If you want to teach someone how to create a 2 month feud with the guys having zero matches, then watch Velveteen go to work. I worry about how this gimmick translates to the next level but for now, I get excited when his music hits.
Most Improved Wrestler:
Cody Rhodes (ROH/NJPW)
Cody has always been a favorite of mine but it became clear during the end of his WWE run he was kind of over it. Not that he was mailing it in or anything but you could tell he wasn't that inspired. After leaving and joining the Bullet Club he reemerged from the ashes of malaise and was reborn as The American Nightmare, a play off his father the legendary Dusty Rhodes' gimmick of the American Dream.He has successfully led the US branch of the Bullet Club with the Young Bucks and even became ROH World Champion. Given their plan to have their own show in a 10,000 seat arena I would expect the star to only keep rising for the grandson of a plumber.
Best Heel:
Samoa Joe (WWE)
There are few things that get me as hyped as when the Samoan named Joe makes his way to the ring. First off when he speaks you believe that he is legit going to hurt you. Hell in his Ring of Honor days the chant the crowd had for him was "Joe's gonna kill you."
And when he is in the ring he has a mix of power and speed that is just awe inspiring. And when he locks in the Coquina Clutch...your night has decided to make an abrupt end. I would love a title run for this guy. Just give him a mic and get the hell out the way.
Best Face:
Dalton Castle (ROH)
A lot of people may not be familiar with the Party Peacockbut I think when you watch him you will be enthralled. From the flashy entrance with the Boys to his how do you say unique in ring mannerisms there is no one you find your self rooting for harder. Also the stalling German suplex this former amateur grappler throws is absolute perfection.
Wrestler of the Year:
Kazuchika Okada (NJPW)
All hail the Rainmaker
The man has held the top title in the #2 promotion in the world for over a year. He put on classics with Kenny Omega, tore the house down with Minoru Suzuki and surprisingly even had an amazing feud with EVIL of Los Ingobernobles de Japon. The unquestioned ace of New Japan after finally defeating Tanahashi is still only 30 years old. Barring injury the man whopped the PWI top 500 list will be receiving honors like this for quite a while.
Top 3 Wrestlers to Look For in 2018: 3. Juice Robinson (NJPW)
The former CJ Parker in NXT has been reborn as Juice Robinson in Japan. And goofy name aside he has really begun to hit his stride. At first he was just another gaijin to take some pinfalls but now he has emerged as a fan favorite and even has found himself in a few high profile matches.
He even beat Puma favorite Kenny Omega in the G1 Climax tournament which is a very big deal. In 2018 I would not be shocked to see the dread wearing American capture the United States or Intercontinental Championship.
2. Aleister Black (NXT)
The former Tommy End made his debut and instantly solidified himself as a man who could easily be tearing it up on Monday Night Raw or Smackdown. A trained kick boxer he has strikes for days.
Black Mass!
His match with Hideo Itami at Takeover: Chicago was possibly the hardest hitting match of the year as those two gentlemen kicked the ever loving crap out of each other. I would not be shocked to see him use the Black Mass spinning heel kick to an NXT title and a main roster run sooner rather than later.
1. Keith Lee (Evolve)
I really wasn't too familiar with Keith Lee beyond one appearance I saw of him on Ring of Honor TV. After hearing about him on the twitter I decided to do a deep dive on Youtube and holy crap am I glad I did. From PWG to Evolve he went all over the country and he put on amazing matches.
If you really want to see a video game match check out his matches with Donovan Dijack, another huge man who does things in a ring people his size shouldn't be able to do. If he ever decides to make his way to WWE then I think we all bask in his glory.
Top 3 Matches of 2017: 3. Aleister Black VS Velveteen Dream (NXT Takeover: War Games)
This was a master class of building a story and having the payoff totally exceed all expectations. And while I love Black, the man who did the heavy lifting psychology wise and on the mic would be the Velveteen Dream. Holy crap did he come of age.
He toed the line of making his hyper sexual, obsessive weirdo character go too far and nailed what was needed to perfection. A feud based on having someone else say your name doesn't sound too hot on paper but son of a bitch it worked. And the end of the match where Black finally says his name lets me know that this feud is far from over and I am here for it.
2. Pete Dunne VS Tyler Bate for UK Championship (NXT Takeover: Chicago)
Coming into this match I didn't know what to expect but on a stacked Chicago card these two UK natives went out there and completely obliterated the show.Tyler Bate the mustachioed champion came in against the Bruiserweight Pete Dunne.
What they put on was an amazing display of hard hitting, high flying gloriousness. And to make it all even better was the match was called by the legendary Jim Ross which just elevated it even more. I look forward to many more years of these two gentlemen tearing it up.
1. Kenny Omega VS Kazuchika Okada (Wrestle Kingdom 11)
Wow. I mean I could stop right there, but then you wouldn't get my amazing opinion now would you? This was the second of their trilogy and man this 60 minute draw was everything that it was billed to be. From Okada's magnetism to the athleticism and power of Kenny Omega this match was outstanding. It even got over 6 stars on Dave Meltzer's five star scale. While the series is knotted up with a win a piece you know they're going to run it back and if it's half as good as this we should be lucky.
There you have it folks. My opinion on the highs of the professional world for the calendar year 2017. I watched way more wrestling than a man with an infant should but I do this for you. The tens of readers.
Ah yes it's that time once again. No not the time where I am in a post Thanksgiving come down phase and realize I really need to start working out. It is that time where I tell someone who has greatly offended my sensibilities to shut their ass up and have a seat. This month's recipient is a weird one as it actually wasn't something he did this month but something he did 10 years ago on this day actually.
This was in the Pro Bowl...on a punter.
You see it was 10 years ago today that the world lost every football fan's favorite player Sean Taylor. While at home there was a break in and a botched attempted robbery and he was killed protecting his family. Heroic right? Well to you and me maybe, but let this month's recipient tell it, not that heroic.
So without further ado, Colin Cowherd...I invite you to have a very special seat so you can shut the hell up.
I have a long list of grievances against Colin Cowherd, from saying John Wall could never be a leader because he grew up without a father and did the dougie before a game to his most egregious offense to date, employing Jason Whitlock. The news had barely broke and the prince of hot takes decided that now, while fans and teammates alike grieved for their fallen hero, that he was going to unleash this scorcher.
"Sean Taylor, great player has a history of really really bad
judgment, really really bad judgment. Cops, assault, spitting, DUI. I’m
supposed to believe his judgment got significantly better in two years,
from horrible to fantastic?"
Pretty terrible thing to say given that no one even knew what happened. And even after he was proven wrong, and Taylor died at home, protecting his family in a completely random botched robbery attempt Cowherd said it was ok because his black boss didn't have a problem with it. Seriously. This is a thing that he said: “Now with the Sean Taylor thing, my superior, Mo Davenport, an African American, listened to it and had no problem with it."
He has in recent years stated his Taylor comments ranks highly among the list of regrets in his career. So I guess that's showing something but for me, and a lot of fans I know it will always be fuck Colin Cowherd. To so callously imply that a man deserved a violent end to his amazing story was a new level of scumbag-ness. So for that reason, along with so many of his other offenses, Colin Cowherd, with all due disrespect, please sit your ass down!
Survivor Series is amongst us. The one time a year where members of the Raw roster take on members of the Smackdown roster. At least until a virus goes through the Raw Locker room and AJ Styles has to fill in, but that's neither here nor there. What I am here to do is to give you what you crave and need...my opinion on what's gonna happen at a professional wrestling pay per view event!
Kalisto VS Enzo Amore (Cruiserweight Championship)
This feud is well, it's floundering. They shotgunned the title onto Kalisto for a week to deal with Neville walking out (Please come back angry little elf man) and has now gone back to Enzo.
I fully expect Enzo to win through some chicanery possibly through a distraction from Drew Gulak who has just been killing it in his role as the lame ass guy who doesn't realize how lame he is.
Hopefully this leads to adding some of the guys from the UK brand or even calling up someone like Hideo Itami to kind of spice up the brand. Winner: Enzo Amore
Alexa Bliss VS Charlotte Flair
Good thing I didn't write this before Tuesday's Smackdown, as the title was switched onto Charlotte at the last moment. Alexa Bliss is just a monster on the microphone and Charlotte is just a killer in the ring. Would have loved an actual program between the two but since we're only getting 5 days setting this feud up and the only interaction was a sucker punch from Bliss flooring the Queen, I would imagine Charlotte will get the win in this one. Winner: Charlotte Flair
The Bar VS The Usos
This is a match I am getting quiteexcited for. Since turning heel the Usos have become my favorite act in all of Smackdown. They just have this cool factor that can not be overlooked. In the ring they have a very exciting style and tell quite the story.
As for the Bar, Sheamus and Cesaro are operating at an amazing level right now. Frankly you could put Cesaro in the ring with anyone and he'd put on a 5 start match, team him with Sheamus who as a face was boring as all hell but thrives as a brutish heel and you got a recipe for success. I would expect the Usos to go over here as they've been the longer reigning of the two. Winner: The Usos
Baron Corbin VS The Miz
You may not find a person who champions the Miz more than I do. You could make the case that he is the MVP of the WWE right now.
No matter who he feuds with he immediately elevates that feud to one of the most entertaining on the show. Baron Corbin while not being the Miz, he does illicit a response. If he's allowed to be the smarmy dick he is on twitter he can definitely be a top flight heel as he has a great mix of size, speed and power. Given that the Miz has put so many over while on Raw I think he gets his moment to bask and picks up the victory here. Winner: The Miz
The Shield VS The New Day
The Shield are the most over act in the last few years, putting them back together felt a little rushed to me but it has worked like gangbusters. The New Day, what can I say about them that I haven't already tweeted incessantly about.
They are the rare act that don't need to have titles to feel important. Although if we're being honest Big E should be a multiple time world champion, Kofi deserves a singles run and Xavier is possibly the most underrated wrestler on the roster. I fully expect them to pull out all the stops but it won't be enough to stop the Shield. Winner: The Shield
Team Raw VS Team Smackdown (Women's 5 on 5)
This is an interesting one, while we know the full lineup for Raw there is a TBA for the Smackdown ladies. There is tons of speculation that it could be a returning Paige, but I think she returns the Monday after the pay-per-view. I think it will be Nikki Bella whom we have not seen since Wrestlemania. The blue brand ladies will put up a valiant effort but I don't see any team with Asuka on it taking a loss any time soon.
Winner: Team Raw
Team Raw VS Team Smackdown (Men's 5 on 5)
Raw is going to send Braun Strowman, Samoa Joe, Finn Balor, Kurt Angle and Triple H against Smackdown's Shane McMahon, Bobby Roode, Randy Orton, Shinuske Nakamura, and John Cena. On paper this should essentially be a squash. Raw has the stronger booked team but I expect it to have a little drama. Probably have Balor and Joe cost each other a pinfall and that will lead to their next feud. Possibly tease John Cena and Braun Strowman.
Never change Braun.
No matter what happens I fully expect Triple H to be the sole survivor because he'd not dusting off his gear just too put somebody over damn it. Winner: Team Raw
AJ Styles VS Brock Lesnar
Now on to what should be the main event. You got a genetic freak in Brock Lesnar, who when motivated can put on some damn fine matches (See his bout with Samoa Joe.) He's going against the man who arguably is the best in ring performer going today in the Phenomenal AJ Styles. I think the Phenomenal one will work the legs in an attempt to lock in the calf crusher.
Lesnar is going to make him look good and a worthy foe but his strength and brute force will be the deciding factors as the Beast shall reign supreme. Winner: Brock Lesnar
And there we have it. Another one in the books. Hopefully this leads to somewhat of a reset of some stagnant story lines as we will officially begin the road to Wrestlemania!
Ah yes, it's that time of the month. When I with some degree of accuracy give my predictions as to how the matches of the evening shall proceed. But first I must speak on this momentous news. There were few things that made the old Puma happier in the world of wrestling than the work of Chris Jericho over the last yer. I mean the guy got a damn clipboard over.
Now my current favorite wrestler (non-WWE) is Kenny Omega.
And in January at arguably the best wrestling show of the year Jericho is going to face Kenny Omega and my black nerd heart can barely contain myself. The excitement I have for this match should carry me nicely into February when I may have to take a sabbatical from work to deal with the hypeness I have for Black Panther.
Now without further ado I present to you the matches so far scheduled.
Johnny Gargano VS Pete Dunne (WWE UK Championship)
I am all in on Pete Dunne and there may not be a better natural babyface than Johnny Wrestling. There is absolutely no build up to this match and frankly I only saw it because Brandon Stroud of WithSpandex wrote about it. That said this may be one of those matches that you would hate to follow.
All hail the Bruiserweight
If they were smart they'd give the title to Gargano, introduce it to NXT as a secondary title and get Pete Dunne up to 205 Live to wreck shop. However I feel we'll get treated to a great match but no title switch. And I'll never complain about a Bruiserweight victory. Winner: Pete Dunne Lars Sullivan VS Kassius Ohno
This is another match that has no build up. Just a backstage segment where KO asks for the match. That's it. With all that said this is gonna be the definition of a stiff ass hoss fight. Two very oddly athletic big men who like to punch your face into oblivion. While a win by Ohno would be great I think Lars Sullivan goes over just to legitimize him moreso as a terrifying beast. Winner: Lars Sullivan
Aleister Black VS The Velveteen Dream
If you would have told me my favorite story line would involve a Prince cosplayer and a seemingly apathetic satanist I would have called you a liar but here we are. While Black is going to be the man sooner rather than later, Dream is the man who has made this feud.
Seemingly obsessed with making Black say his name and constantly being rebuffed have been compelling stuff. So you know when these two go at it in the ring it is going to be quite the event. That said I think it will be the former Tommy End hitting the Black Mass for the win. Winner: Aleister Black
Andrade 'Cien' Almas VS Drew McIntyre (NXT Championship)
Another feud with not much build but both of these guys are kind of in the zone right now. The gallant warrior McIntyre versus the manipulative Almas with his manager Zelina Vega (hey boo!) should be a very good match.
Story line wise I think it would make sense for Almas to get the title which could be used as fodder for another feud with Johnny Gargano who could finally win the big one only to be assaulted by...you guessed it, Tomasso Ciampa. As for McIntyre it could set up a redemptive return to the main roster as he kind of has no one to feud with after this unless he's turned heel. I think he could do some amazing things on Smackdown Live. Winner: Andrade Almas
Ember Moon VS Kairi Sane VS Peyton Royce VS Nikki Cross (NXT Women's Championship)
Had War Games not been added to this card then I imagine this would have been the scene stealer of the night. Ember Moon is wild athletic, Kairi Sane drops the prettiest elbow drop in the business, Nikki Cross may legit be insane and Peyton Royce has the potential to be the biggest star of them all.
Seriously a work of art.
I would imagine this to play out as Ember Moon pulling out all the stops to win the big one but coming up just short as I expect Peyton Royce to walk out with the title. I honestly am hoping this happens just so I can see her and Billie Kay hop away with the title. Winner: Peyton Royce Authors of Pain w/ Roderick Strong VS Sanity VS Undisputed Era (War Games)
And now we have hit the main event. A match that was conceivedby the legendary Dusty Rhodes in the 80s it's about time this match which features a massive cage and 2 rings was brought back. Now this is going to be quite difficult to predict. From a story line standpoint giving the win to Roddy Strong and AOP makes most sense as they all are seeking vengeance. From a logic standpoint I would say the Undisputed Era win. They're a new faction with a charismatic leader destined for big things. This allows AOP to be elevated to the next level, and frees up a tag team spot for either Fish and O'Reilly to take on Sanity going forward.
Winner: Undisputed Era
And there you have it, War Games. Will these be correct? Probably not, but hey you're getting free content.
Now it should come as no surprise to anyone who know the ol' Puma is that he has an obsessive love of The Simpsons. That is the first thirteen seasons. In fact the wife of the Puma will confirm that if I catch the right episode I will laugh and quote along with it the entire episode. I know, I am the absolute worst. That being said I was inspired by a recent podcast suggested to me by a friend (good looking out Tubbs) to give you my favorite jokes. Now granted I could give you probably 100 of these but for brevity sake we'll just do 5. And remember if you don't like it or have a suggestion, this is free content so suck it up!
5. "Potato Man"
Homer attempts to get into a U2 concert and going off the only thing he appears to know about the Irish he comes up with a disguise of a potato delivery man...and it works. It's just so damn ridiculous.
4. "Good Gravy!"
The sense of pride the cook has at this seemingly innocuous statement is just outstanding. And something I say all the time when cooking gravy. My child, wife and dog are all very proud.
3. Robert Goulet
If you thought Will Ferrell was the perfect Goulet then boy were you wrong. From his shock at being told to shut up to his rendition of Jingle Bells, it's just perfection.
2. "Little Bart..."
When Homer believes his family has been killed in a Treehouse of Horrors episode his memory of each is just perfect. Especially his memory of Marge. I lose all composure whenever I see this scene.
1. "Everything is Coming Up Milhouse!"
Seriously if you have never uttered this I question if you have a soul. This is by far for me the funniest scene ever. Never have flood pants been so amusing.
Well there you have it, now as leave I will say this sage warning. "I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was.
Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and
scary..
Ziggler's main role in this match is going to make Roode and Corbin's offense look devastating as that man can sell his ass off and eat the pin from Bobby Roode to keep him looking strong because I'd imagine he is on his way to feuding for the World Title with AJ Styles until the Royal Rumble.
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