NFL Season Predictions of A Chocolate Variety

Hot damn, the NFL season is amongst us friends and for some dumb ass reason, your boy is excited. You see, this is that special time of year where I talk myself into thinking my beloved Chicago Bears are going to have a successful season this year then slowly descend into madness as they edge towards mediocrity. With all that said, I figured I would dust off the old quill and pen and give my predictions for the upcoming season. 

AFC North: Baltimore Ravens

AFC South: Tennessee Titans

AFC West : Kansas City Chiefs

AFC EAST: Buffalo Bills

Wildcard Teams: Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins, Indianapolis Colts

NFC North: Green Bay Packers

NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

NFC West: LA Rams

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys

Wildcard Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Chicago Bears, Arizona Cardinals

NFC MVP: Aaron Donald, DT, LA Rams

While most people are on the Matthew Stafford train, the most important 2 players on the Rams are on the defensive side of the ball. And with all due respect to Jalen Ramsey, he won't have the stats to propel him to an MVP season. And that's no knock against him, guys won't throw the ball his way, whereas you can't avoid Aaron Donald. Like Thanos, he is inevitable. 

AFC MVP: Patrick Mahomes, QB, Kansas City Chiefs

I know everyone wants to go ahead and throw dirt on the dominance of Patrick Mahomes, let me be the first to say that's an error if you think that way. While in the Super Bowl down to a line made up of scrap parts he ran for his life, the Chiefs devoted all off season to strengthening that line and with Eric Biennemy and Andy Reid scheming up plays, it's gonna be revenge season for all those who don't put respeck on his name.

NFC Rookie of the Year: Micah Parsons, LB, Dallas Cowboys

AFC Rookie of the Year:  Trevor Lawrence, QB, Jacksonville Jaguars

NFC Coach of the Year: Sean McVay, LA Rams

AFC Coach of the Year: Brian Flores, Miami Dolphins

NFC Defensive Player of the Year: Aaron Donald, DT, LA Rams

AFC Defensive Player of the Year: Myles Garrett, DE, Cleveland Browns

And the award that all teams should probably be paying attention to:

HIRE THIS PERSON IMMEDIATELY AWARD:

Louis By God Riddick.

Seriously. The fact that this guy isn't running someone's team right now is a damn crime. 

Well folks those are the hot picks, so in a few months when the season is over and you've won all the bets because you decided to listen to your boy, you're welcome is all I have to say. 

Pre Draft Extravaganza!

 The NBA Draft is tonight and I know I usually do a prediction of the top ten picks, however, I was so checked out on college basketball this year I really was in the dark for a lot of the prospects. But have no fear purveyor of free content, your boy is not going to leave you in the dark. I'm going to give you the five names to really watch out for going forward. I really spoil you.

* Cade Cunningham, PG/SG- Oklahoma State

I absolutely hate that he is going number one in this draft. Not because he's a bad guy or a bad player. Oh quite the opposite. You see the very hated Detroit Pistons have the top pick, and the last thing as a Bulls fan I want to see them with is a 6'8 guard who passes and has amazing vision, can possibly defend 4 positions on the floor, rebounds well and shoots 40% from behind the arc. This sucks. For me personally. 

* Jalen Green, SG- G League

This guy is getting Kobe comparisons which may be a bit much for your boy. However he does also get Zach Lavine comparisons based on his RIDICULOUS bounce he has, and that seems a little more appropriate. Has pretty good size and gets to the rim at will. The weakest part of his game appears to be his perimeter shooting and he still shot 37 percent during his one season playing for the G League Ignite. He is going to come into the league as a damn near must see act from the get go.

* Jalen Suggs, G- Gonzaga

Of all the prospects in the draft you may be looking at one of the safer selections here and that is a compliment of the highest order. You could put him on a playoff team today and he instantly becomes a solid contributor/possible starter. Nothing jumps off the page about him, he just is really good at all facets of the game. He's possibly the most well rounded prospect in the entire draft and is drawing comparisons to Jason Kidd except he's not shitty as a human. 

* Sharife Cooper, PG- Auburn

Possibly the biggest enigma in the draft, at least among American prospects, Cooper in just a handful of games showed why he was one of the most touted players coming out of high school. A touch on the small side, this guy never stops moving so in a system like say Mike D'Antoni runs he would be lethal. Has great vision, can score but seems to prefer to facilitate the offense more. I wouldn't worry too much about his height because this dude is a player.

* Ayo Dunsumu, PG- Illinois

I think he has the chance to be the biggest steal in the draft and it's not just because he is a Chicago kid. PUBLIC LEAGUE STAND UP! He improved his scoring every year he played, was the point guard of the year last in college basketball . The kid shoots 40 % from behind the arc, but if you get up on him he will blow past you as he has amazing handles and can finish at the rim beautifully. Not to mention he has good size for a point guard and could easily play both guard spots. Again, someone at the end of the first if you believe the mock drafts is going to get a steal.

Well folks there you have it. Hopefully as we get more vaccinated, and players in the college ranks now can at least get paid off their image, I'll be more into college basketball this year. Although the NCAA does need to pay what they owe...but that's another story for another day. 

Alright I'm gonna dip, but until next time ya'll be easy. 

Damn Was He In His Bag or What?

Howdy friends, it's been a while since I have graced these pages with my razor sharp wit. As most of the posts come about, I was driving in to work and a song came on and I said to myself, I said "Self...this dude is in his bag on this song." And it got me to thinking, what are some other examples of someone just being in the zone on a song to the point of reaching the fabled in the bag status? Well you don't have to think about that because your boy did that for you!  

Earth Wind and Fire- Reasons 

Specifically Phillip Bailey was in his damn bag on this one.  You may remember Phillip from his other bag worthy tune, Easy Lover with Phil Collins. This song with it's falsetto from Bailey, Maurice White and Verdine White killing it in the back with the horns and the bass. I defy you to find someone who doesn't absolutely fall into a trance when this song plays. 

Let The Beat Build- Lil' Wayne

Lil' Wayne is a horrible person. That being said this era of Wayne was just a damn monster. 'Let The Beat Build' was probably in my eyes his most blatant flex of I am so good at this rap shit that I am literally going to tell you how to do this, build suspense and most of you still won't be able to do this. Frankly I think it's rude assuming the rest of us could do something like this even with a tutorial on how to do so.

Take On Me- aha

I have no idea what it's like in Norway. However if someone told me that it was as amazing as this song from aha who is from Oslo, please believe I'd be booking a flight right now. You got synthesizers, acoustic guitars, electric guitars, keyboards and a catchy as falsetto that a a brother may be guilty of singing in whenever this comes up on the shuffle. Definitely a song that if you say you don't like it, I'm looking at you funny doggie.

Never Too Much- Luther Vandross

Look I don't know if you the person reading this has ever been sprung, but buddy this song nails every step of that journey. And usually when there is a song about this kind of thing it's usually for the lack of a better phrase, corny. Oh no, Mr. Vandross dove headfirst into his bag with this one and gave us a funky, I love you jam that frankly has aged like a fine wine. Thank you Luther.

Rubberband Banks- Young Dro

Is Young Dro one of the best rappers ever? No. Is he someone who's wordplay is infectious and has one of my favorite songs of all time? You're goddamn right. Seriously, his verse at the start of this gets me SO HYPED:

"I'ma outer space balla, put you up on astronomy

  Mathematically with a pistol I do trigonometry
  Humbly, eat up a nigga like a piranha B
  Ridin' in the cuttlass same color as a bumble bee"

God damn! Again this isn't some deep lyrics, they just fun and his delivery and flow? Unparalleled. 

Don't You Worry Bout A Thing- Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is one of the dopest musicians to ever walk this plane of existence. So really I could have put any song of his on here, however I chose this one due to the amazing amount of shit talking he drops at the beginning of this. Stevie was so damn smooth even I started swooning. 

While My Guitar Gently Weeps- Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne, Steve Winwood, Dhani Harrison, PRINCE

Honestly when it comes to being in one's bag there is only one person to mention on this and his name is Prince Rogers Nelson. The song is actually a Beatles song that's being covered at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but by the end of the night Prince owns that shit. There is a solo at the end of this song and Prince literally jacks the song right from the Liverpool quartet. I think the surviving Beatles should have had to sign over the masters as soon as Prince threw that guitar in the air.

Well that's it for now, stop what you're doing, add these to your daily rotation and improve your lives! You're welcome!  

Things That Get An Unfair Rap: Vol 1

 You know sometimes I am driving to work and a song will come on or a a thought of a movie will pop up and I will think, man that really got a bad rap. That was actually quite entertaining now that I think back on it. So you know what I said, I said "self, you need to share these with the world!" So I present to the first in hopefully a series of posts. But if it's not, maybe chill out, this is free content baby. Damn, I spoil ya'll.

So today I would like to say, you know what gets a bad rap? Snap rap! Why does it get a bad rap? I have no damn idea but damn it I am here to defend the honor of those snapping bastards!

*The fashion of the era was made for broke college men, like myself.

Seriously look at this. This was how we dressed. Baggy jeans? Check. Oversized t-shirt? Check. What college age guy didn't already have this at their disposal? Not having to dress in a manner that would break the bank and thus take from the $20-$40 bucks you had to ball out of control came in CLUTCH! 

*The dances were easy and fun fact a great ice breaker! 

You're literally rocking side to side to the beat, throwing in  a snap to jazz it up and bam! And for the single gentlemen of the mid -2000s what was a better way to talk to single young ladies than walking up and playfully snapping. ICE BREAKER CHEAT CODE.

*Most importantly, this shit was fun.

I defy you not to look at a D4L video and see Fabo doing what Fabo does and not smile. The world is a nightmare, and everything doesn't have to be critically acclaimed. Some things can just be dumb and playful. Trust me when Laffy Taffy stops playing all the ills that you put aside will still be sitting right there for you to pick up. I promise you.

So next time Dem Franchize Boys or D4L come on the radio or your Pandora I want to stop what you're doing, and in the word of Big E. of the New Day, I want you to salute these young boys with a hand so straight that it's curved! 

Until next time, ya'll be easy and relax damn it.

National Superhero Day!

 Ah yes folks, another day, another random day meant to celebrate something fairly innocuous. But you know what, the world is a damn dumpster fire so we should celebrate some things more I say. However, today is a day that not only will I encourage you to go out and dive head first into said topic, I'm also gonna give you some not to avoid, but boy I gotta bring their lameness to light.

So without further ado, I give to you, the lamest Superheroes of all time! Presented in no particular order. 

*Arm Fall Off Boy: 

This is a real superhero. This is not something hastily whipped up by your boy. Now what exactly is this hero's power you may be asking? Well he can remove his arm and club you with it. That's it. End of list. I mean, beside the obvious awful name, all he can do is wildly swing his arm at you. You  don't have to be Thanos to escape that. Hell most people who do crossfit would be able to get away from this guy. 

*Major Mapleleaf

Let's see, Captain America was pretty popular what can we do to mimic his success? Ah that's right, we can go to our neighbors in the North and create Major Mapleleaf. They never reveal how he got his powers but he fought alongside the allies in World War II. After that his story is all over the place including having a son die from AIDS and going on a murderous rampage. 

*Matter Eater Lad

My man's power is that he can literally eat anything. That's it. According to the googles his powers include:

• Able to bite through and consume all forms of matter, including that which is supposedly indestructible like Amazonium or Superman
• Superhuman Digestion
• Metabolism Induced Super-Speed

That's it. He'll never starve. 

 And last but not, no slander list is complete without...

BATMAN! That's right, Bruce Goddamn Wayne! 

That's right I said it. It had to be said. For the longest the strength of the movies have allowed this rich playboy who cripples low level thugs and let's Joker and Penguin give him hell for more than half a decade. Internet hero Dragonfly Jonez sums my feelings up better than I ever could. 

The common defense when it comes to Batman fans is "well if he has time to plan..." and to that I say he needs a damn study guide to be a descent hero? Hell let's be real, Batman could get defeated by a damn audit! There is no way he has receipts for all the shit in the BatCave and he would definitely get outed by the damn IRS. All in all, an entertaining hero, but let's not kid ourselves, the Bat is definitely kind of lame.

Alright! That was fun, it combined my love of comics and being extremely petty! Awesomeness. Well folks, I'm out. Ya'll be easy.

NFL Draft Extravaganza

 The NFL Draft is upon us once again. And the streets have been clamoring for a few things. Among those, universal health care, destroying the gender pay gap, and cancelling student loan debt. I have no control over any of those. However, I can give you who I think should be the top ten picks in the NFL Draft. And why wouldn't you trust my in  depth analysis as someone who played no high level football or had any interactions with anyone considered a football genius! Enjoy! 

Also if there are any trades these picks are all gonna be wrong even more so! Now you can enjoy them.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars: Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson

Trevor Lawrence is one of those rare cases where he was the man in high school, walked into the college continued to be the man and has thus far lived up to all of the hype. In 3 seasons at Clemson, he led the Tigers to a National Championship, threw for 90 touchdowns and the only losses of his career came against Ohio State and LSU. Not too shabby. The dude can make every throw on the field and is a very mobile quarterback. The total package.

2. New York Jets: Zach Wilson, QB, BYU

Zach Wilson has everything that NFL scouts dream of when looking for a quarterback. He is over 6 feet tall and white! Seriously, his ascension as the number 2 pick has been quite odd to me. Not that other prospects don't have questions, it just seems odd that a guy who before this season career high in passing touchdowns was 12 is now seen as a better prospect than say Justin Fields. That's not to say he is a bum, he has a great arm, and as evidenced by my gif choice is "deceptively athletic."  

3. San Francisco 49ers: Justin Fields, QB, Ohio State

How this guy isn't in contention for the number 2 pick I'll never understand. In 2 seasons as a starter he has thrown for 63 tds, over 5,300 yards and rushed for 15 touchdowns. In fact his performance against Clemson this year after looking like he had has back broken is one of the most amazing performances I have ever seen. He threw threw for 385 yards and six touchdowns leading the Buckeyes to a win over Clemson. In fact in his career he has only lost twice. Once to Clemson who won the national title, and once to Alabama who won the national title. The dude gets shit done and if Kyle Shanahan is the genius he is reported to be he won't let this kid slip.

4. Atlanta Falcons: Trey Lance, QB, North Dakota State

I understand why someone could talk themselves into drafting Trey Lance so high, I really do. At his best he can do things on the football field that very few can. What does give me a little pause would be the fact he hasn't really played since 2019 and when he did play it wasn't against the best competition. That said, the Falcons may be the perfect spot for him. He would get to sit behind Matt Ryan and learn the little nuances of the game because he is not going to be able to just run over dudes at the next level.

5. Cincinnati Bengals: Penei Sewell, OT, Oregon

The Bengals drafted their franchise quarterback last year, now the time to get him some protection is here because that buddy was running for his damn life last year. Sewell is a former Morris and Outland Trophy winner and this dude is a damn machine. The 6'6 Samoan blocking machine will provide Joe Burrow with that nice clean pocket that evaded him much of his rookie season.

6. Miami Dolphins: Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida

Kyle Pitts is a video game character. He is 6'6, 246 pounds, runs a 4.4 40 yard dash and catches everything thrown his way. It's been said the best weapon for a young quarterback is a good tight end, well you could do worse than pairing Tua with Pitts. Obviously his blocking isn't what I'd call elite but he isn't a bum at it either. He just has always been asked to go out and get some touchdowns. With his skill set, I would expect him to get plenty of chances to do that.

7. Detroit Lions: Ja'Marr Chase, WR, LSU

Ja'Marr Chase is the kind of receiver that as a Bears fan I would hate to see end up in Detroit. This dude can flat out ball. Amazing footwork and he has that "want to" which a lot of receivers lack. In his last season at LSU he had over 1700 yards and 20 touchdowns. And given the recent defection of Motor City wide outs he should get plenty of moments to shine. Hopefully not against the Bears though. 

8. Carolina Panthers: Rashawn Slater, OT, Northwestern

With the trade for Sam Darnold I think that the most pressing need for the Panthers would be to protect this new asset. With that said, at this point in the draft there is only one person to choose. Slater is the guy that is going to protect Darnold so he and Christian McCaffrey can both be at their best. PFF rated Slater as the best freshman offensive lineman in the land and he went through the gauntlet of insanely talented Ohio State defensive ends so it's not a matter of not being battle tested. He will be more than ready for the challenges of being a franchise changing tackle. 

9. Denver Broncos: Micah Parsons, LB, Penn State

The Broncos need quite a bit. In my humble opinion this is a bit of a stretch for any of the remaining quarterbacks on the board and you can probably get a solid running back in the 2nd round. With all that said you gotta get the best player remaining on the board and that my friends is Micah Parsons. Von Miller is getting older and who better to be his replacement than the explosive linebacker from Penn St. The only true freshman to lead the Nittany Lions in tackles would be an amazing fit for Vic Fangio's scheme.

10. Dallas Cowboys: Patrick Surtain II, CB, Alabama

Closing out the top ten we have the pick that makes me feel like an old man. I remember watching his dad play for the Dolphins and now his son is coming into the draft as arguably the best corner available. He came onto Alabama as a 5 star recruit and started from day one for Nick Saban. That in itself is an amazing feat. Follow that up with a few 1st Team All American nods, and a SEC Defensive player of the year award, he could be a guy that sets the Dallas defense up to be as good as the offense and finally break that winless playoff streak. 

Well folks there you have it, how I would draft if I was in a decision making position. And frankly I gotta be honest with you all. I nailed it. 

Return of Some Random Ass Thoughts

 It's been a while since I picked up the ol' digital pen and pad so I said to self, I says "self...you gotta get off your ass and give these people what they need." And in these trying times I think I know what the people need. The people need some pointless rambling from a man who frankly at this point in a panorama does more rambling than stringing together cogent thoughts. So without further ado....

*I posted this thought on the Facebook and thought, why not share that thought in this space:

"Prince died 5 years ago today. While my earliest memories of the Purple One were of annoyance as my big sister LOVED him and constantly played him or watched Purple Rain, as I got older and smartened up (relatively speaking) I grew to have the proper amount of respect for the man. What always impressed me with Prince was the awe that he left fans and even his fellow performers in. However none of those moments top my man at the Rock and Roll hall of fame completely dominate the guitar then toss that to the heavens where hopefully it awaited him on his arrival. 

Truly badass."

*Anthony Edwards is the player that the NBA needs. He has the obvious skills as he was the top pick in the draft last year, but what really gets me thinking that this guy has IT has been his interview skills. Consistently Edwards is the funniest damn player on the damn planet regardless of sport. 

*Alex Trebek passed away a few months ago and that has been ridiculously sad for a myriad of reasons. Least important of all those reasons is who is going to host Jeopardy. Well out of this sadness, an appreciation for another one of our wholesome icons began to spread like wildfire.

LeVar Burton, best known for being the calm gentleman who read stories to us in our youth has thrown his hat into the ring to host and through the magic of internet mobilization it's happening. I know the past year and a half has been mostly garbage fire but damn it let's celebrate this wholesomeness.

Well that's all I really feel like rambling about for now. Maybe I'll pick the pen up soon and give your eye holes something to do for a few minutes. 

Alright ya'll be easy. Peace.