National Superhero Day!

 Ah yes folks, another day, another random day meant to celebrate something fairly innocuous. But you know what, the world is a damn dumpster fire so we should celebrate some things more I say. However, today is a day that not only will I encourage you to go out and dive head first into said topic, I'm also gonna give you some not to avoid, but boy I gotta bring their lameness to light.

So without further ado, I give to you, the lamest Superheroes of all time! Presented in no particular order. 

*Arm Fall Off Boy: 

This is a real superhero. This is not something hastily whipped up by your boy. Now what exactly is this hero's power you may be asking? Well he can remove his arm and club you with it. That's it. End of list. I mean, beside the obvious awful name, all he can do is wildly swing his arm at you. You  don't have to be Thanos to escape that. Hell most people who do crossfit would be able to get away from this guy. 

*Major Mapleleaf

Let's see, Captain America was pretty popular what can we do to mimic his success? Ah that's right, we can go to our neighbors in the North and create Major Mapleleaf. They never reveal how he got his powers but he fought alongside the allies in World War II. After that his story is all over the place including having a son die from AIDS and going on a murderous rampage. 

*Matter Eater Lad

My man's power is that he can literally eat anything. That's it. According to the googles his powers include:

• Able to bite through and consume all forms of matter, including that which is supposedly indestructible like Amazonium or Superman
• Superhuman Digestion
• Metabolism Induced Super-Speed

That's it. He'll never starve. 

 And last but not, no slander list is complete without...

BATMAN! That's right, Bruce Goddamn Wayne! 

That's right I said it. It had to be said. For the longest the strength of the movies have allowed this rich playboy who cripples low level thugs and let's Joker and Penguin give him hell for more than half a decade. Internet hero Dragonfly Jonez sums my feelings up better than I ever could. 

The common defense when it comes to Batman fans is "well if he has time to plan..." and to that I say he needs a damn study guide to be a descent hero? Hell let's be real, Batman could get defeated by a damn audit! There is no way he has receipts for all the shit in the BatCave and he would definitely get outed by the damn IRS. All in all, an entertaining hero, but let's not kid ourselves, the Bat is definitely kind of lame.

Alright! That was fun, it combined my love of comics and being extremely petty! Awesomeness. Well folks, I'm out. Ya'll be easy.