SummerSlam Weekend Extravaganza

The world is in disarray, social unrest and things just don't appear to be getting any better. In trying times like this I sit back and think what can I, ya boy, do to give the people what they want...no what the people need. Ah yes. The people need me out here waxing poetically on professional wrestling! Now I used to give my opinion on every match on the card but sweet lord I don't have 6 months to pontificate so instead I shall give you my five favorite moments from the year in professional wrestling so far. Enjoy jerks!

Honorable Mention: 

*Shingo Takagi and his run through the New Japan Junior Heavyweights.

*Johnny Gargano finally winning the big one.

*The Return of Bray Wyatt as the Fiend. 

5. Becky Lynch, Charlotte Flair and Ronda Rousey Headline Wrestlemania 
We are just a few years removed from the era of women either getting no matches on the card or getting extremely demeaning matches and storylines. Flair, Rousey and Lynch closed out the show and what a match it was. The fans clamored for Becky Lynch to win the title and deep into the night she surprise pinned the mainstream favorite Ronda Rousey and became the first woman to win the main event.

4. The Indie Explosion Continues in NXT
As the main shows have called up talent from NXT there has always been the expectation that NXT would see a drop off in quality.

WRONG! Triple H has found ways to convince some of the worlds greatest Independent talent to join the WWE. ACH, Trevor Lee, Keith Lee, Jonah Rock and even managers such as Stokely Hathaway have all made their way to Stamford and just reloaded the yellow and black brand in time for a rumored move to FS1 and a two hour show.

3. The Departure of Dean Ambrose and the Rise of Jon Moxley

When rumors began surfacing that Ambrose was unhappy and on the way out it was pretty widely accepted that he would either go into acting or just take a break and return back to the WWE. WRONG. Hours after his contract was up a trailer promising the return of Jon Moxley was up and return to his violent ways he did. Making a huge return at the AEW show attacking Kenny Omega.

 He followed that up with matches against Joey Janela, winning the US Championship in New Japan Wrestling, and a highly entertaining run in the G1 Tournament. With AEW getting it's own tv show in October the legend of Mox should only grow.

2. Kofi Kingston Finally Winning the WWE Championship

I wrote about this a few months ago.
"So as a black wrestling fan, to see someone so unabashedly black, ascend to the point where he can be the first "one of us" kind of champions means a lot. Someone who has never changed who he was despite the fact he could have gotten to this point in his career much sooner had he done so. And to have it happen so organically just shows that fans are ready to not only believe in but also get behind and support a black champion."

Kofi followed through on that promise and is in the midst of a run that he has deserved for years.

1. Cody VS Dustin Rhodes
My favorite moment of the year has been without a doubt the story told by Cody and Dustin Rhodes. The star on his way out, challenged by his younger brother all in the shadow of their father's legacy. The build to the match was done by excellent video packages and the match they put on was a brutal and bloody affair. The cherry on this storytelling sundae however was the post match promo delivered by Cody which echoed the famous "View Never Changes" promo Dusty gave Dustin before Clash of Champions.



Well there you have it, my favorite moments so far. With Summerslam tonight who knows if I will have to expand this list later.

July's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Another month has come and gone so it means it is time for I, ya boy, to give you what you want. Another sometimes angry, sometimes funny, always ridiculous takedown of someone who is just doing the most! This month, ooooh, buddy. Buckle up buckaroos because this shit has been percolating for a smooth minute. Donald J. Trump, get your clementine hued ass up here and sit your ass down!

Ya'll man is out here using scotch tape on his ties. Scotch. Tape.

Donald Trump is a piece of shit. I'm not really willing to hear any other opinions that differ from this. I say this not based on any of his policies, which are shit-tastic but on his damn near 40 year track record of being a boil on the ass of society prior to becoming president. "But how could you say that? He's not that bad!" Au contraire idiot. Allow me to run through Some of his greatest hits.

*Having the largest federal housing discrimination suit ever filed against him.
*The Central Park Five and repeated calls for their incarceration despite DNA evidence exonerating the five.
*In the book "Trumped" he reportedly said: "The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys wearing yarmulkes.... Those are the only kind of people I want counting my money. Nobody else... Besides that, I tell you something else. I think that's guy's lazy. And it's probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks." This was later said to be true by *checks notes* Donald Trump in an interview with Playboy.
*After the Charlottesville Unite the Right rally he said that there were "very fine people on both sides." One side had white supremacists, neo-nazis, and members of the Klan. Very fine indeed.
*Telling democratic congresswomen to "Go back where they came from" despite the fact three were born here and all are citizens.
*Claimed Barack Obama wasn't born here and demanded to see his birth certificate. And if you don't understand how a con artist, demanding a black man to show his papers is racist as fuck do me a favor and block me now. 



Woo alrighty, your boy is getting sufficiently heated. The fact that people are still shocked by what this charlatan does is probably the most surprising thing to me. And lest we forget he gave us the most awful sell of a Stone Cold Stunner that humanity has ever seen.

Alright, that's my time! You've been terrific!

Season 1 Episode 1: Allow Me To Re-introduce myself.

Oh beav, you knew one day it had to happen. I give to you, my loyal fives of readers the opportunity to enjoy your boy in podcast form!

NBA Free Agency Breakdown

My lawd. Just when you think the NBA has taken it's foot off the other major sports league's necks, even their free agency period is lit. This league is the best and if you want to argue find your third grade teacher and debate Ms. Hanover because ya boy will not hear it! It would be far too many moves for me to go through to try and grade each one but I will give you my 10 thoughts from this hectic ass week that has literally changed the landscape of the league.

10. Basketball fans collectively weep...Bobi and Tobi have been separated.
One of the more endearing tales of friendship in sports or really any other facet of life really has been the very public frendship of teammates Boban Marjanovic and Tobias Harris. The 7'3 Serbian and the mild mannered New Yorker have been teammates since 2016 in Detroit but they really hit the social media world with their web series as members of the LA Clippers. The acquisition gods shined on us when Harris was traded to Philly and Bobi was included but alas all good things must come to an end.

We were not worthy.

9. I...don't hate the Chicago Bulls offseason thus far.
I know this has become a popular place to shit on the moves of the Chicago Bulls but I have to give credit where it's due. They have not been a complete dumpster fire. Now what they will do with this roster coaching wise remains to be seen but the roster moves themselves...I'm not opposed. First off they had a good draft, picking up my UNC son Coby White and in the second round grabbing Daniel Gafford who is giving me serious Taj Gibson vibes. We have some blind spots but picking up Thaddeus Young and Tomas Satoransky at least helps the team and ensures we are at best a middle of the pack team...again.

8. If you were mad at Durant for leaving OKC you better be furious at Paul George. 
My God did Paul George ever screw a team over. I got no problem with players deciding their own destiny but this move really accelerates any plans of having a playoff caliber team in OKC this season.

Just one year after signing an extension to stay with the Thunder and having an MVP caliber season George demanded a trade because he wanted to play with his friend which I get. However Durant got called a snake for leaving when his contract was up so I'm looking forward to see what you Thunder fans have in store.

7. Where in the world does the Brodie land?
The fallout of the Paul George trade is that now the rebuild is on in OKC and that means the man who has put the team on his back and had no intention of leaving is probably gonna be shipped out. Given his contract there are very few places Russell Westbrook could land. It appears that given his loyalty to the team the Thunder are only going to ship Westbrook where he would like to play and so we are on the precipice of a Jimmy Butler and Russell Westbrook backcourt. So if you are a Heat player guess what...

6.  The 76ers have one year to go all in before the Brooklyn juggernaut arises.
While Kevin Durant recuperates and the baby Nets get some experience while Kyrie and Deandre Jordan get the attention and or criticism, the Sixers who have been on the uptick the past two season have got to go all in before things get real difficult.

They did just that by bucking the small ball trend of other teams and going for possibly the biggest lineup in the league by signing Al Horford who silently is one of the best defenders in the league and really just a guy who you need when you have some of the biggest personalities in sports on the roster and yeah the Sixers have that in both Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid.

5. Little Brothers on each coast take over the town. 
Coming into this season we, the basketball fan collective just KNEW the Lakers and Knicks would be players in free agency. And while the Lakers were able to acquire Anthony Davis the plan was to form a big three with Kawahi Leonard, Jimmy Butler, or any other top flight free agent.

As for the Knicks it was a foregone conclusion that Kyrie and KD would make their way to the Big Apple, and while they did it was the Nets luring them to Brooklyn. And then the damn Clippers pulled a miracle and got Kawhi Leonard AND Paul George. So while the Lakers are still in a good space, they are clearly the B-show in their own building and as for the Knicks I hear there is a good pizza place down the street from MSG at least.

4. Jerry West is the greatest NBA executive of all and it's not even close.
Ok, so let's run through Jerome Alan West's record as an executive shall we? In the late 70s he coached the Lakers for three seasons, making the playoffs all three seasons. In the 80s he helped construct the Showtime Lakers which won 5 championships. Rebuilt the Lakers in the 90s by trading Vlade Divac for a rookie shooting guard named Kobe Bryant, signed Shaquille O'Neal and and got Phil Jackson as coach.  Boom, three more championships.

"Put some respect on my name bitches!"

Then he took it easy as general manager of the Memphis Grizzlies and turned them from a fledgling organization about to be sold to a regular playoff contender. Follow that with helping turn the Warriors in the juggernaut they were by signing Iguodala and Durant. Now in LA he has turned the Clippers into instant title contenders by signing to Kawhi and acquiring Paul George. Your. Fave. Could. Never.

3.  Has any team ever recovered as fast as the New Orleans Pelicans?
Usually when a generational talent demands a trade or walks from a team, the team that loses him rarely gets fair compensation. The team tends to fall into the lottery and languish there for a years. See: the post Lebron Cavaliers. Not the Pelicans.

I could do this if I wanted to, I just don't want to. 

First things first, they went out and got a real basketball man in David Griffin to run the team. And run it he did, turning Anthony Davis into Josh Hart, Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, a lottery pick that turned out to be Jaxson Hayes, signed JJ Reddick oh and chose some bozo named Zion Williamson. You hate to lose out on Anthony Davis but if you have to, restocking the cupboard like this is kind of a dream come true.

2. The Lakers lost out on Kawahi, and that's ok. 
Lost in the fact the Lakers lost the Kawahi Leonard sweepstakes is that the Lakers vastly improved their roster into one capable of contending in the wide open Western Conference. First of all they've added Danny Green, Boogie Cousins, Avery Bradley, re-signed Rajon Rondo and most importantly they added one of the top three most talented players in the league in Anthony Davis.

Anthony Davis can do it all, and is probably the best shot blocker in the league with the ability to guard on the perimeter as well. Trust me when I say the Lake Show will be just fine.

1. Kawhi Leonard is Kayzer Soze.
Well, well, well. All the talk this offseason was how LeBron was acting as a pseudo GM all the while the Fun Guy himself lurked in the wings just waiting to drop the biggest bomb of the summer. Calling top stars to see who would like to join him on the west coast. Durant and Jimmy Butler decided against that move but he had one more call to make.

Keep laughing...

To the guy still under contract, Paul George. From there the Thunder and Clipper struck a deal sending Danillo Gallinari, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and a shit ton of picks for George, re-signing Patrick Beverly, and they still have enough to get a veteran on the minimum. We laughed at his laugh all last year, well now who's laughing?

Well that is all I have for now, I've been staying up until midnight watching Summer League and feeling old seeing that Trajan Langdon is a GM and Miles Simon is a coach. 

June's Sit Your Ass Down Award

The summer months have begun to heat up and so has the asshattery of a few people. This month however there was no competition. People who want to shit on the recent talk of reparations, bring your ass up here and sit your ass down. You about to get this work!

Look at this turtle faced bastard

So earlier this year a bill was introduced into congress which reignited the highly divisive topic of reparations for African Americans. Judging from some of the talks you would think the bill introduced was suggesting every black person gets to go in a white person's house and take a few items of their choosing. Not true, H.R. 40 introduced into congress by Rep. Sheila Lee "establishes the Commission to Study and Develop Reparation Proposals for African-Americans to examine slavery and discrimination in the colonies and the United States from 1619 to the present and recommend appropriate remedies." Yeah that's right, people are losing their shit over a a bill that forms a committee to do research.

Brief tangent here, why is it that when the topic of reparations comes up people expect a fully formed plan of action? There is no working through options, there is no let's hear ideas, it's "well how you gonna pay for it?" Well jackass maybe someone should introduce a bill to do a little research. Jesus Phillipe Christ!

One of my favorite oppositions to the talks of reparations is, well no one alive today was a slave owner and to that I say kiss the most chocolate portion of my taut and firm ass. No shit no one alive today was around but I don't know, maybe the system of trading and breaking up families may have some effects that could take a while to fix. And when you throw on top of that the era of Jim Crow until say....I don't know say 1968 you may have set a group of people back based clearly on their race and that should be rectified. So ignoring the sin of slavery (some of you are good at that) you still have the sin of housing discrimination, educational discrimination, societal discrimination to atone for and there are ways that can be done.

And for Mitch McConnell to fix his non-existent lips to say "We've tried to deal with our original sin of slavery by fighting a civil war, by passing landmark civil rights legislation. We elected an African American president..."

Who's man is this?

1. Slaves fought for their freedom as well, and if we're gonna talk about the Civil War, can we also talk about how for every slave that was freed their "owner" got $300. Yeah, they lost and still got paid.
2. The country passed landmark civil rights legislation this is true, but it doesn't mean shit if you try rolling back a lot of those landmark bills.
3. Electing a black president doesn't count as reparations you Mason Verger stunt double. And implying that it is counts as a wildly insulting and condescending claim.

"We gave you blacks a president, what more do you want?!"

So in summation, Ol' Mitchy can get the hell out of here with that.

And before I go, if the idea of again doing research on reparations is going to push someone to vote for Donald Trump, let me clue you in on a little secret...THEY WERE VOTING FOR HIM ALREADY.  Woo lawd my blood pressure is up. Let me get out of here and think about something more calming. Like the imminent return of Rick and Morty!

The Puma Grades the NBA Draft

Ah yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year for us basketball nerds. It's NBA Draft followed by free agency baby! First off let me get this off my chest. The NBA is the best league out there, this is not up for debate, if you want to debate go and debate your mother. They give us a compelling series where a team that's been a juggernaut through the last half a decade becomes scrappy under dogs due to injury and then not even 48 hours later we get the blockbuster trade that sends Anthony Davis to the Lakers. My God Adam Silver, let us breathe! With all that said let's get your boy's thoughts on the top ten picks.

1. New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson, PF, Duke
This may be the biggest duh pick in the recent history. The Pelicans go from being a clown show and losing out on a generational talent without fair compensation with Anthony Davis wanting out to getting 3 NBA ready talents in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram and Josh Hart, plus a draft pick then boom they win the lottery and get the most insane athlete since LeBron.

You gotta be kidding me.

 Seriously guys his size should not be able to move the way he does, be that fast and jump that high. He's more than just a dunker though, he has a great defensive feel and for a player of his caliber shows an unselfishness that's quite refreshing.
Grade: A+

2. Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant, PG, Murray State
This guy is by far the most ridiculously athletic point guard I have seen probably since Derrick Rose. What really jumps out to me watching him play is his defensive tenacity. Long arms and elite speed side to side means he is always in front of his man.

Rebounds remarkably well, and although he isn't Steph Curry level on the three point shot, his form is solid and has shown an ability to knock down those long range shots. I think he is going to be the perfect piece to add to Jaren Jackson Jr. and begin the next era of Memphis Grizzlies basketball.
Grade: A +

3. New York Knicks: RJ Barrett, SF, Duke
RJ Barrett in any other year is probably the sure fire top pick.  A very capable scorer who while his jumper is technically sound, the shots didn't drop at the frequency you'd like. However even with all that there is a reason he was the top prospect in his high school class.

He is an elite scorer, with an unparalleled basketball IQ, I mean his father is an executive with Canada basketball and his godfather is Steve Nash.  He does at times have a tendency to play hero ball but if your consolation prize is RJ Barrett I think you're going to be just fine.
Grade: A+

4. Atlanta Hawks: Deandre Hunter, SF, Virginia
Virginia is quietly building a reputation as a pro factory. Their players are always well coached and have a great feel for the game and Hunter is no exception. The lanky 6'7 forward is reminiscent of Toronto's Paskal Siakim. Excellent defender and is able to guard any position on the floor. And given the limitations that offensive super nova Trae Young has he is the perfect player to be paired with him.
Grade: A

5. Cleveland Cavaliers: Darius Garland, SG, Vanderbilt
Garland himself is a bit of a wild card but I see why any team would want him. He only played in 5 games but displayed a speed and elusiveness that any coach would be ecstatic to have. Where my trepidation comes in is the Cavs drafted a point guard last year in Collin Sexton. Now why would one draft two point guards in the lottery unless one is on the way out or they are planning some really weird lineups now that former U of Michigan coach John Beilein is the coach. Either way seems like a wing player would have been a more prudent choice.
Grade: C+

6. Minnesota Timberwolves: Jarrett Culver, SG, Texas Tech
This appears to be a case of drafting the best player on the board and in this case that appears to be the strategy. There is already a glut of wing players on the team but Culver is easily better than a lot of them. A very diverse skilled offensive player, who's only weaknesses are all thing that can be improved upon easily. He needs to add weight to his frame, and he has to tighten the handles up but I would expect him to come into next season working on all those things. If the Wolves can get a buyer for Andrew Wiggins deal a backcourt with Culver certainly makes the Wolves a playoff contender.
Grade: B

7. Chicago Bulls: Coby White, PG, North Carolina
I am wild excited about this pick. It combines two of my irrational loves. UNC Basketball and Chicago Bulls basketball. And while one has given me more joy than the other in recent years I just can't get off this narcotic as Bomani Jones would say.

Can play either backcourt position and has a diverse offensive skill set. Capable of hitting the three from NBA range and has an ability to get to the rim and finish with either hand. Given how aggressive he is it is quite refreshing to see he is also quite unselfish. His speed can be to his detriment as he moves so fast that he gets ahead of plays and passes at that speed can be inaccurate, all things however that can be improved.
Grade: A+

8. New Orleans Pelicans: Jaxson Hayes, C, Texas
Did anyone have a better draft week than the Pelicans? Seriously. They trade Anthony Davis, get two starter level players and a very good bench player. Then they go with the biggest duh in recent draft history with Zion Williamson at one. Given all the new offensive options to go along with Jrue Holiday, they needed a little defense. Enter Jaxson Hayes. An elite post defender with the speed and agility that allows him to play perfect pick and roll defense. An adept offensive rebounder who can finish and shoots free throws at an impressive clip for a big man he could be a day one starter for the newly exciting Pelicans.

Grade: A

9. Washington Wizards: Rui Hachimura, SF/PF, Gonzaga
A very confident and well coached player. He came to the game a little late so sometimes he looks little awkward but it also means all the bad habits one would pick up over the years he has not. A very solid defensive player, and shoots free throws at a very good clip for a player of his position. Very good ball handler and passer who can even bring the ball up the court. Not sure if he'll be an all-star but definitely think he's going to have a very long and productive career.
Grade: B

10. Atlanta Hawks: Cam Reddish, SG/SF, Duke
Rounding out the top ten is the third Duke player so far and it fills me with disgust. That said I fully expect Reddish to be much more at home in the NBA than he was at Duke. He was the third option who at times seemed to force shots in an effort to get his shine. Very good finisher, although not physical relies more on finesse.An underrated defender as his over 7 foot wingspan allows him to rebound well when inspired and he does get quite a few help side blocks. Atlanta gets great value and  great running mate to Trae Young.
Grade: B+



And there you have it. I like everyone else knew the top three after that shit got wild which is part of the fun baby. Now that the rookies are in place will this kick off free agency to it's exciting crescendo that tells us where all the major pieces fall? Does Paul Pierce shit his pants and play it off as an injury so he can get wheeled off without people seeing his shit caked shorts? You know the answer is yes! Not sure how this turned into roasting Paul Pierce but here we are. Alright, you guys take it easy.

May's Sit Your Ass Down Award

The time has come for me, ya boy, the puma of chocolate origins to give you, my loyal fives of readers my opinion on who needs to have a seat. As with the previous months there have been no shortage of candidates who have been doing so much that they need to be told to have a seat. This month a group who has long needed to be told to have a seat...BASEBALL PURISTS! Get your ass up here and sit your ass down.

People wonder why baseball is waning in popularity and I could point to some reasons such as poor promotion of it's talents. Seriously, Mike Trout is a once in a generation talent, and if he were to walk in here with a sandwich board on that said "I'm Mike Trout" I'd still need to see two forms of government ID to know who he was.

...which one is Mike Trout?

No the big reason baseball is waning in popularity is it is legislating the fun right out the game with the so called "unwritten rules of the game." What are these unwritten rules you may be asking? Let's go over just a few so you can decide how absurd they are. And spoiler alert, they're all ridiculously absurd.
"Don't celebrate after hitting a home run."

So let me get this straight, you want me to hit a baseball that I don't know where it's going, being hurled at 90+ miles per hour, combine hand-eye coordination to decide whether or not to swing and whether to pull or go with the pitch all within a quarter of a second and not celebrate if I hit it 400 feet? You must be joking. I hit a home run I'm having a damn tea party in the batter's box and everyone is invited.

"Don't show up the pitcher."
In regards to my last rule where one does all he needs to and hits a home run you can't celebrate this physical marvel at all. You are supposed to put your head down and just chug along around the bases lest you hurt the pitcher's feelings.

Just keep chugging...

The hell is that nonsense? Again, if I hit a home run I may do the snap dance around the bases. You know what may be showing up the pitcher? Hitting a 500 foot home run! It's team fuck being humble over here baby!

"You can't bunt to break up a no hitter." 
So let me get this straight...

How dare he get on base?!

In a game where the goal is to get on base and score runs, if a team has no hits you aren't supposed to use a method of getting on base because...reasons? That makes absolutely no damn sense! A bunt is not a guaranteed hit, field your damn position and get the runner out if you want to keep your no hitter.
So there you have it, baseball needs more Tim Andersons, less jack wagons like the super sensitive Kansas City Royals pitcher who can't handle a bat flip and hits guys in the head and your game may be saved.

This is now a Tim Anderson stan page. Thanks.