A Decade End With the Puma

Ah yes folks, another month and another year in the books. And I would like to tell you that I am not going to do some cheesy year end or decade end list so I won't! Instead what I will give you is some of the most hot fire free content that you will get from me. Sit back and enjoy you filthy animals.

Athlete of 2019: 

Megan Rapinoe:

"Are you not entertained!" 

I don't think it's even close who ends the year as my top athlete. Megan Rapinoe da Gawdess does it all baby. She is everything that one would want in an athlete to idolize. Does she have that swagger? Uh yeah that's an affirmative. Is she good at her sport? She turned the World Cup into the Rapinoe Show scoring 6 goals, winning player of the tournament, leading the US to another World Cup title and she gave that truth when it came to Donald Trump. When asked why she wouldn't go to the White House if invited and have a sit down with Mango Mussolini she said: “But I’m not going to be naive and think that I’m going to sit down with Trump and he’s going to change his mind. There are children locked up at the border who are dying, and that’s not fazing him. So why would I faze him?” She dominated on the field, she dominated off the field and the Puma can not help but to stan. 

Athlete of the Decade:

Serena Williams:
When I think of Serena Williams, I think of the infamous cat suit. 

Ok bad starting point, I also think of unparalleled dominance. In the teens, no one, man or woman, was her equal on the tennis court. She won 12 grand slam singles titles, 3 grand slam doubles titles, oh and she won 2 gold medals during that time. Hell she was so dominant, she won the Australian Open while damn near 2 months pregnant. Her "great" rival was Maria Sharapova. Can you guess what record Sharapova has against Serena? 2-20. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here. Nothing but respect for my president. 

My Album of the Decade:

To Pimp A Butterfly- Kendrick Lamar

Ok, I'll be honest, I don't listen to enough new music to give you an honest or fair opinion on what the album of the year should be. So instead in the last ten years no album has hit a brother quite like To Pimp A Butterfly. 

From the interlude 'For Free?' which he lets that bad bitch America know that this this dick ain't free to the anthem for the people 'Alright' which let us know that hey, we got us and we gonna be alright this album is the album I can listen to on repeat. Also Kendrick himself remained who he was as a person and continued to grow as an artist unlike my former favorite who won't be named here but rhymes with Ronye Jest.

TV Show of the Decade:

Game of Thrones
Last season aside, there has been no show that drew me in like Game of Thrones. From the first season and Ned Stark's journey trying to a just man in an unjust world to some of the most vile and disgusting villains that we have ever come across, this show had it all.

Ugh.

You talk to anyone who was a fan of GOT and just mention the Red Wedding and they may break down in tears. And I would be remised if I didn't mention that no tv show brought twitter together quite like Thrones. Shout out to #DemThrones and the Fiya Starter podcast. 

Movie of the Decade:

Black Panther

I get chills when I think about Black Panther. Was it the cinematic masterpiece that some would expect from the movie of the decade? Probably not. You can even make the argument that it wasn't the best Marvel movie of the decade. But what it was, was this beautiful piece of blackness that we don't get to see enough of, and that representation matters baby. After seeing it opening night I wrote this:
"I...I don't even really have words for what I just saw. Thank you Marvel and thank you Ryan Coogler. That awkward 8 year old who got a copy of Fantastic Four with a black super hero in it from a gas station in Mississippi is so damn happy with what he saw tonight."

2019 Grand Champion of Needing to Sit They Ass All The Way Down:

Your nominees are...

Meghan McCain

Ah yes, the patron saint of "do you know who my dad is?!?!" It's insane that in a world with the Trump spawn running around with high security clearances that Meghan McCain might be the one least qualified for her position.

I haven't mentioned in 7 minutes who my dad was! 

How in the holy hell did we let her get a gig as a nationally recognized political analyst when the highlight of her resume is as an intern on SNL. Holy hell, do we love the troops that much that we let the kids of vets just skate through? She whined her way all through 2019 and whether she is grand champion or not, I really hope her resolution for the new year is to have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

Mitch McConnell

This turtle faced bastard continued his history of being an irredeemable piece of shit. The peak of the ain't shitness of Mitch for me was his opposition to a bill that would form a committee to study the long term effects of slavery and whether reparations was needed. He fixed his reptilian non lips to utter: "We've tried to deal with our original sin of slavery by fighting a civil war, by passing landmark civil rights legislation. We elected an African American president..." Bitch you did not, just say we had a black president so we get a mulligan on slavery. Like tell me you didn't just say that.

And last but not least:

Donald Trump

...

Fuck Donald Trump. 

And the winner is...Ol' Cadet Bone Spurs himself, Donald Trump! I have long written about his history of being a piece of shit so this should really come as no surprise. Enjoy this award Trumpito with your piece of shit wife, piece of shit daughter, her piece of shit husband and the other nominees!

It wasn't even close really once you run down this piece of shit's greatest hits. Roll that beautiful bean footage!
*Having the largest federal housing discrimination suit ever filed against him.
*The Central Park Five and repeated calls for their incarceration despite DNA evidence exonerating the five.
*In the book "Trumped" he reportedly said: "The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys wearing yarmulkes.... Those are the only kind of people I want counting my money. Nobody else... Besides that, I tell you something else. I think that's guy's lazy. And it's probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks." This was later said to be true by *checks notes* Donald Trump in an interview with Playboy.
*After the Charlottesville Unite the Right rally he said that there were "very fine people on both sides." One side had white supremacists, neo-nazis, and members of the Klan. Very fine indeed.
*Telling democratic congresswomen to "Go back where they came from" despite the fact three were born here and all are citizens.
*Claimed Barack Obama wasn't born here and demanded to see his birth certificate. And if you don't understand how a con artist, demanding a black man to show his papers is racist as fuck do me a favor and block me now. 

Well folks, I think that's all I got in me, I injured my back playing Moana with my son. And it was in this moment I knew I was truly washed. So 2020 I welcome you with open arms, your washed king will continue to pump out petty ass take downs, sports takes that are not to be taken seriously and the occasional post that will get me a few new followers until they realize I am truly a ridiculous person.

Until next time, ya'll be easy. Peace. 

Episode 18: "Son They Shook/Cause Ain't No Such Things As Halfway Crooks"

In which I gift you all the the toddler-rific ramblings of the cub while still finding time to rip on Trumpito, Tulsi Gabbard, and even Meghan McCain gets a taste of this hot fire.

I Will Not Let Let These Go

You know I have been know to go on rants from time to time, sometimes on things that are trivial and quite mundane. Well I have something very important to write about, something that in these uncertain times we need to address. I refer of course to plot holes in the animated film Frozen. Why now you may be asking? Well my son has made me watch this movie probably 50 times in the last month and your boy always has a few questions.

* In the opening credits, a young Kristoff and Sven are out with the ice harvesters. 

Ya'll look real happy for someone about to be abandoned.

Pretty catchy scene right? Well if you notice, as Kristoff dangerously tries to get ice out of the water and on his sled, were those grown men just going to leave them out there if they didn't get the ice out in time? They were just going to abandon them weren't they? How else were they so easily adopted by the trolls. God bless those trolls. 

*After Anna gets hit in the face by Elsa's errant ice blast, her father races in and says I know where we have to go! 

"I had no idea where we were going."

They then proceed to go into the library and basically look up who can help and then have to yellow page directions to the trolls. Uh, that means you didn't know where you have to go! A slight thing to nitpick but then again this whole post is a grown man nitpicking a children's movie.

* After Elsa goes all crazy, Anna rides off after her. We can all agree that's pretty heroic. What preceded that heroic act was an act of sheer stupidity. She leaves Prince Hans in charge.

You CAN NOT trust an herb like this. He got mutton chops! 

The man she met that same day and hasn't been there long enough to even know where the damn bathrooms are. Come on Anna! You mean to tell me there wasn't a single adviser that helped raise you that you trust? 

*Anna buys a new dress and equipment at Oaken's Trading Post. How the hell did she pay for this? Did she always carry some cash on her?  I'm sure she didn't think she would have to go out on a midnight horse run to save her subzero sister. 

*In the end when Anna punches Hans in the face because shocker, dudes you just met that day with mutton chops can't be trusted, everyone cheers. Why is everyone cheering?

The audience knows he is a dickbag but the people of the kingdom should love this guy. He was handing out turkeys like Nino Brown in New Jack City! Also I am fairly certain that was the first Nino Brown/Frozen reference ever made! 

Alright well I think that's enough of this sweet pontificating. Tune in next time when this old curmudgeon goes all old man on something else the youth love.

Live look at me typing this.

Until next time, ya'll be easy. Peace.

Episode 17: "Go Shawty. It's Your Birthday"

In which I recount some of my more fond birthday memories and a new one. Spoiler alert, my bounce back game from the new memory leaves much to be desired. But first I take time to throw a few barbs at one Tim Tebow. Again.

Episode 16: Now I Do What I Want

In which your boy calls out the hypocrisy of a Mike Vick protest and gives some love to the young bloods out there being as weird as they want. 

Season 1 Episode 15: "What's Beef"

In which the spirit of Festivus flows through me and I give you my loyal five listeners what I have a problem with. I promise there is no mention of the Popeye's chicken sandwich but baby it's always on my mind.

Any requests or Space Jam 11s in a size 12 please feel free to email me at thepumapod@gmail.com

November's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Oh its that time once again, the time where ya boy sits upon his throne of pettiness and decides, to much delight by you, my loyal tens of readers, who needs to have a damn seat. Now in the world at large there were no shortage of contenders, hell I could make Devin Nunes the recipient of this award for two months straight due to his shenanigans at the impeachment inquiry but I'm gonna take it to the world of sports for this one. Tiki Barber, huddle up, and sit your ass down! 

Pictured a consummate pro, also pictured Tiki Barber.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with one Tiki Barber he was the extremely likable running back from the New York Giants for a decade. He was extremely charismatic, even had a twin brother in the NFL and seemingly was the kind of guy you would want to look up to if you were in need of a role model who was a pro athlete. Then the wheels kind of came off the bus. So while his college sweetheart was laid up, pregnant with twins mind you, he announced he was leaving her...for an intern he met while working on the Today Show...an intern who had babysat his children. 

Now to make matters worse, in an interview with Sports Illustrated, he described hiding out in his agent Mark Lepselter's attic so he wouldn't get caught on his secret trysts. "Lep's Jewish, so it was kind of like a reverse Anne Frank thing." That's right, the man having an affair compared hiding with his lover to hide from Nazi forces! If you're looking for easily a top 5 most despicable statement ever, congratulations you found it! 

Now I bring all this up because Tiki decided to get his name back out there to the masses while on his radio show giving this hot take. "I commend Kaepernick for what he's done past couple of years, but God, he is unlikable and that's frustrating to me because he has so much talent"

Is this guy for real? The last person that should be talking about someone being unlikable is Tiki "I left my pregnant wife for the intern who babysat our children" Barber. Sorry I'm not good at coming up with witty nicknames. Anywhoo, are there ways you can criticize how Kap has handled WorkoutGate? Sure. Is basing it off likability by a man who you can easily google his infidelities the move? HELL NO. Tiki is so damn awful that he got his twin brother canceled just because they look alike. Ronde Barber ain't do shit but stay with his wife and play football and now that man gets relegated to the C-Team of announcing on Fox Football. 

Well folks, that's all I got. Until next time ya'll be easy.