Thoughts and Takeaways from Bubble Ball!

 Oh man, while it looks like we won't be getting football but we have been able to enjoy the greatest sport in the entire world. That's right I said it. And while a few months back I didn't think that there would be an end to the season but credit to the NBA for taking things seriously, creating a bubble and quarantining so we get to enjoy some sense of normalcy. The playoffs have begun and while there have been a few upsets this post is going to be basically my awards and thoughts on everything leading up to the playoffs. Enjoy this free content my babies. 

* The Philadelphia 76ers need a new coach to ever get to the next level. 

I like Brett Brown, and definitely thought he deserved a chance to coach the team once they got good especially after he had to sit through the process. Since then though, this team has consistently not reached expectations despite having two of the most talented players in the league in Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid. His insistence on not adjusting lineups to more shooter friendly lineups also is mind boggling. 

*The Houston Rockets are unwatchable.

I can't believe the refs missed another 3!

James Harden is a generational talent. There may not be a coach with a better offensive mind than Mike D'antoni. All that said, I hate watching the Rockets play basketball. There was one game where they took 60 three pointers. IN REGULATION! And what makes it worse, they are constant whiners. I'm not talking about on the court, I mean their front office once drafted a report and sent it to the league office to show missed calls cost them a playoff game. Conveniently overlooking the lead they blew and the 27 missed threes in a row. They may always blow it in the playoffs but they always leave with the most annoying award.

*Monty Williams is probably the most likable coach in the NBA.

One of the most surprising things during the restart was the Phoenix Suns going undefeated. And while the top level play of Devin Booker and Deandre Ayton were on display the thing that jumped out most to me? Guys really like Monty Williams. And not just guys who play for the Suns, just the way opposing players spoke so highly of the man, it was quite refreshing to see. 

*Michael Porter Jr. is going to be a problem

Coming out of college I wanted the Bulls to draft MPJ so bad. They didn't and I get it. Back injuries are a tricky thing to evaluate. However now that he is fully healthy he is giving Denver a wing scorer that they have never really had. Now if they can get him to stop with the anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theory shit, he could be a person I'd love to cheer for. 

All Bubble Team:

G-Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers

G-Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks

G- James Harden, Houston Rockets

G- Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns

F- TJ Warren, Indiana Pacers

Coach of the Bubble: Monty Williams

The Suns went 8-0. Nothing else needs to be said now does it? 

Most Valuable Player of the Bubble: Damian Lillard

The worst decision anyone in the bubble made was when the Clippers pissed off Dame Lillard. He has been a man possessed since he missed free throws against them and caused the Clipper bench, particularly Pat Beverly and Paul George to just have a grand old time. That was not a wise move. He exploded for 51 points, then 61 points, then 42 points. This season, from 30 to 40 feet away, he hit 54 3 pointers at a 43% clip. In this moment, there is no more valuable player than Dame Lillard. I don't care how you decide it. 

Well folks there you have it. The return of basketball has been a joyous occasion for your boy and I have no idea who is going to win it all which makes it that much better. 

Until next time, ya'll be easy. Peace.

Sit Your Ass Down Award for Old Times Sake

Oh boy. This is one of the funniest damn things I have ever written about and I am probably not going to get through this without completely losing all composure. So over the weekend Cardi B. and Megan Thee Stallion released a delightful little ditty for the ladies. So you know that it had some of the more petulant man-children upset and clutching their pearls. The most prominent of those man-boys who caught the vapors for women daring to uh let's say boast about the quality of a tryst with them was Ben Shapiro.

Shapiro seen here with friends.

You might remember Ben Shapiro from such classics as complaining about Star Wars having too many women in it, and going on an unhinged rant saying he was going to "pick up a gun" if someone tried to indoctrinate his kids into a LGBT lifestyle. Never mind the fact he looks like he isn't even strong enough to pick up a gun. 

I'll get my gunnnnnn! 

The thought of two women making a song about them actually enjoying sex ruffled his feathers to the point that he read the lyrics and with the voice of a man who had never even accidentally given either himself or a woman any joy whatsoever, he preceded to kill any and all feelings of arousal and turned it into the funniest thing I've seen. He proudly boasted "as I also discussed on the show, my only real concern is that the women involved -- who apparently require a "bucket and a mop" -- get the medical care they require. My doctor wife's differential diagnosis: bacterial vaginosis, yeast infection, or trichomonis." Wow. So one of two things is happening here. The first option is Shapiro and the Mrs. are both so unappealing that they actually believe this. Or the second, and frankly funnier option is his wife told him that the dryness was normal and she is hiding the truth from him and he is going to burst into his house and angrily shake his little baby hands at her while she tries not to laugh.

Mrs. Shapiro sitting and waiting for Benny to find out the truth.

And then to make this more annoying, we had a shit ton of dudes who are my age, going all Helen Lovejoy on us.

I speak directly to the men making these pleas, usually from the front seat of their car in an oddly abandoned parking lot, I implore you to please, and with all due respect...shut the hell up. We listened to Eminem in high school, and he was talking about decapitating his wife. Let the ladies have fun, lord knows they have earned it. Also the claims of "well I got a daughter and these girls look up to you." Stop bro. Don't depend on Cardi B to raise your daughter and be an example by not ridiculously criticizing something that clearly wasn't made for you. I'll never forget, my niece who was about 7 or so at the time, heard me bitching about some remake of a cartoon, and she told me "of course you don't like it, it wasn't made for you. Now leave me alone." And she was absolutely right. So fellas, with all due respect, it wasn't made for us, now leave these women alone and let them have fun.

Until next time, ya'll be easy.

Cool Like That

Baseball has returned in some capacity and I for one am excited. Not just because I no longer have to wake up at the crack of dawn to see Korean League Baseball just to get my fix for baseball. I had hopes coming into this season that baseball would get out of it's own way and let some personalities shine and just let guys be cool. So it is in that spirit I give you my favorite players growing up who were just cool.

Ozzie Smith, SS, St. Louis

I know it's weird to have anyone from St. Louis on this list but growing up there was no cooler shortstop than the Wizard of Oz. He couldn't really hit for power but he was so damn so smooth in the field that it didn't matter. The slender man who looked suspiciously like Frankie Beverly could get to any ball hit in the hole usually didn't matter who was running to first. They were as good as out. 

Andruw Jones, CF, Atlanta

During his hey day with the Braves Jim Edmonds got quite a bit of attention for his eye popping diving catches in center field. Andruw Jones however always seemed to be camped out under fly balls or just jogging to get under it. Because while Edmunds was constantly out of position, Jones was never out of position. He had such a positional awareness that there was no need for him have to go full tilt and dive most of the time, he was already there. And then throw in his power, few were as cool as Andruw Jones.

Barry Bonds, LF, San Francisco/Pittsburgh

Now if you're one of the "he used steroids, he can't be the GOAT" types you are not gonna like what i have to say. Barry Lamar Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time. Period. End of discussion. Everything he did, from the time he was in Pittsburgh to the end of his career in San Francisco was effortless. He is the all time home run king, lone member of the 500-500 club. That's 500 home runs and 500 stolen bases. Not to mention the sole owner of 17 other records. Go argue with your mama if you disagree, that's dope as hell.

Ken Griffey Jr., CF, Seattle

There is no player on the planet earth in any sport that comes close to being as cool as Michael Jordan. That man is Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball players historically are swag deficient, Griffey was dripping with it. He was charismatic, he hit for power, and if you don't think he had the prettiest swing in baseball history I do not trust and I will call the feds on you because clearly you are a terrorist.

Not to mention he has the greatest baseball shoes ever made with the Swingman. I'd argue it's the second dopest shoe behind the Allen Iverson's The Question. Not counting Jordans of course.

Well folks, there you have it. Back when baseball used to just let guys be cool. It's my hope that the game doesn't suck the joy out of young guys like Ronald Acuna, Juan Soto and Tim Anderson who all go out and actually play and have fun instead of treating it like you are at a seminar for tax actuaries like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Return of The Puma

Hot diggity damn, it has been a minute people. How the hell have we been people? Took a bit of a hiatus from writing regularly because the world is a damn dumpster fire. Given that I am going to take a few moments just to discuss some things that have been quite annoying to me. Because damn it the people demand to know what is grinding my gears at this moment. It's what my loyal 10s of readers need in these uncertain times! So without further adieu I give you the top 3 things that are annoying some people. 

It's me. I'm some people. 

3. Cancel Culture

I keep seeing people talk about PC Culture and how sensitive everyone is and how we "cancel" people over innocuous things. First of all, no one gets cancelled. No one. Not a single person. You know how I know? 

Because Mel Gibson is still a thing.  Here are just some of his greatest hits:

-"You go out in public and it's a fucking embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking bitch on heat and if you get raped by a pack of niggers it will be your fault." This was said to the mother of his child.

- After getting pulled over for a DUI he called a cop "Sugar Tits."

-Referred to Winona Ryder, who is Jewish as "an oven dodger."

How has he been cancelled? Let me check my notes...ah yes, starred in 12 movies, produced one and directed 2 more. If this trash ass human can thrive, there is no cancel culture. Period. People not rocking with you because you did some dumb or racist or anti Semitic shit ain't getting cancelled, it's answering for the shit you did. 

2. People Who Just Found Out Bobby Caldwell is White

Bobby Caldwell is a singer who rose to fame in the late 70s with his hit "What You Won't Do For Love." And despite never claiming to be anything else, every few months a rash of tweets and Facebook statuses with the same sentiment arises. "Wait? Bobby Caldwell is white?!" Yes. He has always been, and never in one of those Jon B. he definitely got a black barber way either. This dude is white, white. 

Not sure why this annoys me but it does.

1. People that are still shocked that racists are gonna racist. 

Yeah, every time some Karen or Chad has a meltdown and yells nigga a bunch of times or calls the police when a black person double dips a chip there is a large contingent of people who are absolutely appalled. "I just can't believe someone would do that!" Really? Because I can! Am I such a pessimist that in most cases I kind of assume the worst and let them prove me wrong? That way it's a welcome surprise if they are a decent human instead of a crushing blow. 

Well there you have it folks, nobody gets cancelled, Bobby Caldwell is white and racist people suck. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. 

Until next time ya'll be easy. 

The Last Dance Parts 9 & 10

Well folks, the day we knew was coming but hoped wouldn't has come to our doorsteps. Yes the end of "The Last Dance."

It's been a great look into the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan, and while it has been criticized as being a propaganda piece for Michael Jordan, your boy does not give a damn. I feel like we got a look into one of the great dynasties in sports history through the cheesy hued eyes of it's best player. So without further ado, the final 5 takeaways from The Last Dance.

* We need more Steve Kerr content.
I had absolutely no idea about Steve Kerr and his father but man this guy had lived a LIFE before he even reached the NBA. Follow that up with becoming essentially the basketball version of Forest Gump, ya know minus the learning disability. He was a member of the greatest team ever, the 72 win Bulls, followed that with hitting game winning shots for the Spurs and getting two more titles.

Then he becomes a coach and wins 3 titles with the best team of this era. Also the guy is gold with the mic in front of him. Definitely a compelling and probably the most likable guy of the entire series.

* As annoying as Reggie Miller was/is/will be, that bastard was a killer.
Reggie Miller is a pest. He annoys the shit out of you and his voice at times is like nails on a chalkboard. On the court however? Yo. Reggie Miller was a damn killer. And while incorrect in his thought that he was gonna lead the team that vanquishes the Bulls, no other team got close in the 6 championship runs as the Pacers did.

When this Quark looking bastard was on...HE WAS ON. He could hit any shot he wanted over anyone. He's just so damn annoying.

* Flu game/Pizza game/Hangover game?
For years the story has been that Jordan caught the flu before one of the biggest games of the season and battled through. And while he did have some kind of sickness, he says it is due to food poisoning because he ate an entire pizza in one sitting. Mike. Sweetie. What the hell you doing?

Regardless of if he was hung over, had the flu or was really going through a case of food poisoning it's damn impressive. I have been in all three situations, and I wouldn't even want to leave the couch let alone go through an NBA finals game.

* When Rodman is off the clock, he is OFF THE CLOCK.
One of the great revelations of this series has been Dennis Rodman as a workplace hero. Earlier this series he asked for basically a mental health break and took 48 hours in Vegas with Carmen Electra which if we're being honest...I see the vision.

Now in the heat of a title run, he decided practice is not something I need right now. What I need is to go on Monday Night Nitro, join the NWO and then help assault Diamond Dallas Page. And while he was fined $10,000 for missing practice, he got $250,000 for going on Nitro. Chess, not checkers.

* Fuck Karl Malone as a staff, record label and a motherfuckin' crew.
My one big complaint about this series is that Karl Malone wasn't slandered enough. I do however take solace that on the biggest stage of his career he shat his pants twice. He bricked two free throws after Scottie Pippen told him "Mailman don't deliver on Sundays" and of course let MJ strip him on the final series of the Jazz season. I want to bottle that moment so I can sip on it like a fine wine.

There we have it. This was a series that I feel was made for me. I learned some things I didn't know, and I am further cements his GOAT status for me. However it's probably one of the more bias confirming docu-series of the last few years because if you hated Jordan you're gonna still hate him. If you loved him like I do, you're gonna love him more. I think more than anything I'm gonna miss logging on twitter at 9 pm every Sunday and with my internet pals, all joining together to slander Karl Malone.

Fuck that guy. He's the worst.

The Last Dance Parts 7 & 8

It's that time once again, when I your boy comes down from his cloud of nostalgic Chicago Bulls fandom and give you some of the takeaways from this weeks episodes of The Last Dance. And this one starts...heavy. I mean HEAVY.

*The death of James Jordan and it's fallout.
Alright this is the most tragic part of the episode obviously. What was most tragic to me is that before he could even put his father in the ground, there were rumors being reported as facts about his gambling being tied to his father's murder. I don't buy that for a single second.

First of all, if the mob or bookies are gonna send someone after you, they're not using two dumb 18 year olds who if caught would roll on everybody. Also, we know Jordan paid his debts. How do we know? There were certified checks to Slim Bouler paying his debts! You mean to tell me he will pay a Sam Jackson with a jheri curl wannabe but choose not to pay much more dangerous people for....reasons? Get out of here.

*MJ's baseball career.

Was Jordan's career a success? Not really but to me it was pretty impressive. Here we have a man who has been the greatest basketball player on the planet, quits and picks up a bat for the first time since high school and he didn't embarrass himself. He had 50 RBI, 30 stolen bases, and a 13 game hit streak. He only hit .200 but holy shit balls that is astonishing.

*The Orlando Magic were the shit.
During Jordan's return from baseball they were bounced from the playoffs by the upstart Orlando Magic. Now it's usually explained away by the Jordan was rusty narrative. Au contraire mon frère, the Magic were that shit. Dennis Scott, Nick Anderson, Brian Shaw, Horace Grant and lest we forget Shaq and Penny Hardaway.

Shaq was the most dominant big since Kareem and Penny was a dynamic guard who passed as well as anyone in the league and could score at will at times. Jordan even averaged over 30 that series. Gotta tip your cap, Magic were the better team.

*Scottie Pippen's disappointing 1.8 seconds.
I loved Scottie Pippen as a player, still do. But Scottie in this instance was wrong. It would be nice if the final play was drawn up for him but he was never a catch and shoot guy.

You know who was, and had been that season? Toni Kukoc. So I get the frustration but let's be real, Scottie probably doesn't hit that shot. Sometimes if you're the lead dog, you gotta know when to put the team in the best spot to win. In that moment, he failed.

*Scott Burrell, Ned Flanders of the NBA.
One of the funniest moments of the entire 2 episodes was the genuine befuddlement and slight disgust that MJ had with Scott Burrell.

Look at this nice bastard.

Not because of some character flaw or shitty game but because Burrell was as MJ put "just a nice guy." The idea of being nice was such a flaw to MJ on the path to greatness. So much so, that he actually gets emotional at the thought of players not giving a fuck to the level he gave a fuck.

Alright there we go, another week with me, giving you, my unsolicited opinion of the Bulls documentary which is probably not going to change anyone's minds but I think will provide some context. Next week the ride comes to an end, but who knows maybe your boy will do another statistical deep dive to give you, my loyal people the content you need.

The Last Dance: Part 5 & 6

It is that time once again, where I dive into my tweets and poorly written notes on my phone to go through the stand out moments of The Last Dance. And as is tradition there were no shortage of moments

*Kobe.

This past week just came right out the gate and hit a brother in the feels. I saw someone on twitter, forgive me for not remembering his name, if I find it I will add it later, but he said we saw Michael give Kobe his roses at his funeral and months later Kobe gives Michael his. It was kind of jarring to see him as it still doesn't seem real that he isn't here. That said hearing the close friendship the two shared in secrecy, and how Kobe felt the most important figure in his basketball life was MJ was very cool. Sidenote, I would pay all the money to see more of the old timers shit talking like Mike, Magic, Larry Bird and others were before the All-Star game.

*Converse and Adidas BOTH fumbling the bag.
So hearing that Nike was not in the top two for Jordan was something I did not know. Converse was king but basically told Jordan go do something before you come at us with an offer like this. Adidas was Jordan's fave but they were not in a good way at that moment.

Jordan seen here with the true boss of Nike

Then the upstart Nike, who owes so much to Mike's mom because she had to basically make him take a meeting with them made the best decision a company could have made. Here we are 35 years later and if you ask a serious basketball fan do they have a favorite pair of Jordans they can answer you without fail.


*"Republicans buy sneakers too."
So I feel like this has been wildly overblown. Given the context of when and how he said it, yeah totally makes sense. Now that doesn't give him a pass on being silent for years, but that just wasn't his path in my eyes. Hero of civil rights? Nope. But he's not a villain either. It's odd that he gets this rep of a guy who hates black people, but Jordan through both his ownership of the Hornets and the Jumpman brand has elevated so many people of color to positions of power that it deserves to be mentioned. Also a Michael Jordan endorsement was not the one thing that lost Harvey Gantt his Senatorial bid against Jesse Helms, the only man worse than Karl Malone in this story.


*The Dream Team
Holy crap. Talk about the greatest basketball ensemble ever assembled. And elephant in the room, Isaiah Thomas not being on the team. While Jordan gets the heat for him not being on the squad, notice no one was sticking up to get him on the team.

Like Ewing I too want to know why Laettner was there over Shaq.

Hell Chuck Daly was the head coach! If it was so important he would have done something to get him on the squad. That said, the footage of the greatest game ever played, aka the scrimmage of the hall of famers was amazing. For years I was sure this was the stuff of urban legends but just seeing these guys I grew up admiring (except Karl Malone, fuck that guy) was amazing. It was practice but my lawd these guys played with the intensity of a thousand suns.


*The King, the GOAT, John Michael Wozniak.

He hit the shrug on Michael Jordan after beating him in some depression era gambling. Your fave could never. 

Well folks that all I got for now. This series has been an amazing distraction given what we're going through currently. So if you would like to send me a piar of Jordan 11's, size 12 holla at me, otherwise ya'll be easy till the next time we meet in these blog streets.