Surviving The Tsunami of Grief

In the last month and half I have to say that losing my mom has been without question the saddest moment in my life. I heard this statement from people before and while I understood sadness I did not nor could I have been able to imagine the depths of sadness that this cataclysmic event would send me down. Now when I mention sadness it's not as though I thought a weekend later I was under the assumption that I'd be fine but the only way I've been able to describe this as is a tsunami of sadness and the consistent waves of sadness has not allowed for a single moment to breathe.

And while I have been remarkably lucky to have the support system to give me the hope and knowledge that one day I will be ok, however in the current moment, in the current onslaught of day to day life and daily reminders of my old lady it feels like it will never end. 

For instance, I listen to a podcast about grief and a guest made mention that he felt you dream of those who have passed away because they are reaching out to you to check on you. And in the middle of cutting my lawn, I wept. And not like a little tear down the cheek, oh no this was a full on sob in the middle of backyard. Why? Because I hadn't had a single dream about my mom since she passed. And while the thought is irrational, I was crushed by sadness and the thought, "well why hasn't she checked in on me?" Yes I know it makes no sense that I would get offended or slighted but hey grief is with all due respect an unreasonable bitch.

I am in awe of the support I have received, particularly my wife and especially my 8 year old son. That's right, my damn 8 year old is essentially shepherding me through my dark path with just the love he had for his grandmother. Every night he wants to sit and ask questions, "what was granny's favorite color?" "what was granny's favorite food?" All of these moments are sparked by curiosity and in the midst of sadness he is led by a quest to remember the good and not be crushed under the weight of heartache. So while for now I remain a sad sack chump after the love I have been shown by all gives me hope that while I am sinking in sadness right now, one day I will be more than adequately equipped to weather the storm when the waves get rough.