Unassailable Facts: Music Edition

 Been a minute since I have graced the page and for that I am sorry. The loyal legions of 5 people who read this blog deserve the hating and nonsensical rantings of a man currently in last place in his fantasy baseball league, so as the wise philosopher Ashanti once said "I'm not always there when you call but I'm always on time." In that spirit I shall present to you what I believe are facts that are scientifically proven to be true and frankly if you disagree with any of them I am going to look at you a little funny doggie. So without further ado...

*Anderson Paak is his generation's Andre 3000

Anyone who knows me knows how high in regard I hold Outkast, especially 3 Stacks. So when I say Anderson Paak is going to be his generation's Andre 3000 I mean it as the best compliment I can give. Let's look at the stats shall we? Both are wildly talented hip hop artists although given their eclectic styles it's hard to put them in a box. Both play multiple styles. Both are not afraid to step outside of their comfort zones such as Andre with "The Love Below" and Paak with his Silk Sonic project with Bruno Mars. 

* If you don't like the beat for Lemonade by Gucci Mane I don't trust you.

I mean this is a simple one, in 2009 Gucci Mane released "The State Vs Radric Davis." On that album was a little song produced by Bangladesh known for producing Bossy by Kelis and What's your Fantasy by Ludacris. That song was called Lemonade and it is infectious, banging, and frankly auditory perfection. Which brings me back to my original thesis, if you don't like this beat then you are untrustworthy.

*Jolene may be the baddest baddie of her era.

Dolly looked like this, how the hell did Jolene look?!

This is a space where we recognize the greatness of Dolly Parton. When "Jolene" was released she was without a doubt a certified baddie. That said, for her to be so concerned about Jolene given here baddie-ness leads me to one logical conclusion...Jolene had to be the baddest baddie of her era. That's the only thing that could lead Dolly to have such an intense confrontation! That's all I got. 

*Elvis may be the most famous culture vulture, but the most prolific is Kid Rock.

Pick a side Bob.

While yes there may be no more famous cultural appropriator than Elvis Presley who stole his whoe style from the bluesmen of the Mississippi delta, I submit to you that Kid Rock is the most prolific as he not only jocked the style of hip hop, he also yoinked the styles of southern rock and pretended to be a low income Detroit scumbag while growing up as the son of parents who owned multiple car dealerships.  

*The South won.

The South got something to say! 

During the whole East Coast vs West Coast rap beef the low key best rap pound for pound was actually occurring below the Mason Dixon line. Outkast, Geto Boys, UGK and on and on were all making their mark albeit without the nation wide attention. Hell by the early 2000s you even had New York cats copying the flow and style of some of the bigger Southern acts. So yes, while the hype went to the East and West Coast, look deep in your heart and tell me the South didn't come out as top the bottom the best of the era. 

There you have it, the most unassailable list out there. And if you disagree feel free to argue with your mama because your boy will block you. Just kidding! Or maybe I'm not, the best course of action is accept what I have said and you'll be alright. 

Alright, ya'll be easy.

The Wildest NFL Offseason in History

Since the end of last season there was a brief lull of absolutely nothing happening which frankly after the grind of an NFL season is not all too surprising. However, and with the quickness I may add, business as they have been know to say has picked up. Given that at the time I am writing this the NFL Draft is about to begin so in honor of that I give you a few of my favorite moments from the damn offseason!

Tom Brady Retires

When the season ended Tom Brady, the unquestioned GOAT of all quarterbacks announced he would be retiring. The man who seemingly would play forever decided he would go home and become a family man. He left a huge hole at the quarterback spot that Tampa would struggle to fill going forward. I mean how were they ever going to fill that void?

Davante Adams and the Wide Receivers GET PAID

Adams and Carr reunited

Davante Adams finally grew tired of the never ending cycle of drama that comes with Aaron Rodgers as your quarterback. He requested and received a trade to the Raiders and got a five year, 141 million dollar contract as well. So he gets to go to Las Vegas AND get more money? He wasn't the only receiver making moves. Tyreek Hill was allowed to find a trade partner and while he may not be catching passes from the best QB in the NFL he is going to Miami and getting 120 million dollars to do so. Couple that with the recent AJ Brown deal and the impending Deebo Samuel deal and wide receivers are close to surpassing quarterbacks as the money position....not really.  

Brian Flores Sues the NFL

In one of the more unexpected moves of the Miami Dolphins fired Brian Flores after he over achieved honestly during his tenure. Instead of fading into the background and re-emerging as a faceless position coach never to be a head coach again, Flores filed suit alleging racist hiring practices because duh there are racist hiring practices. He came equipped with dates of being undermined by ownership and most damning, text messages from Bill Belichick congratulating him for getting the Giants job...which was meant for Brian Daboll...and Flores had yet to interview. He is a righteous and stand up dude so if one is going to seemingly give up his head coaching career for the greater good he would be the one to do it. Now he has Steve Wilks and Ray Horton joining in on his suit there may be hope of some change.

Tom Brady Returns

"Get these people away from me..."

So that retirement? Sike. Just kidding. Tom Brady spent 2 months with his family and said "enough of this! I am gonna go get chased by Aaron Donald and them Bosa Boys!" 

Bill Belichick Possibly Keyser Sozes Tom Brady and the Miami Dolphins

My favorite conspiracy theory has to be the Tom Brady retired only to become a part owner and eventual quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Why? Because it makes the mistaken text sent by Bill Belichick which has caused the Brian Flores situation to flourish much more devious. I would like to think that Ol' Billy got wind of what Miami was trying to pull and intentionally let Flores know, and knowing the type if man Flores is he was not going to let it slide. So Tom misses out on being a part owner and eventual quarterback of the Dolphins, the Dolphins lose out on the coach they wanted in Sean Payton and a division rival is thrown into chaos. All while Bill chuckles in the shadows at his handiwork. This is how it went down in my brain.

This isn't even half of what has gone down this offseason. The draft is currently happening so who knows who will be on the move or what transpires by the time I hit publish. 

NFL...you so crazy.

NBA Season Awards: Chocolate Puma Edition

Holy hell it has been a long time since I sat down with the pen and pad and given my loyal tens of readers my thoughts on the NBA but damn it the season has come and gone and baby I wasn't gonna let these playoffs get started without you hearing the unsolicited thoughts of ya chocolatey boy! 

Most Overblown Story: The Whole Kyrie Irving Saga

The look of a contrarian not a political prisoner.

Nothing has annoyed me more than seeing Kyrie Irving this season. Don't get it twisted, I am not saying this guy is a bum, or overrated. Quite to the contrary! I find him to be a generational talent...when he plays. This season he has been treated as some sort of martyr, a victim to a flawed and unjust rule. When in reality he should be called what he actually is, an anti-vaxx contrarian. When everyone is agreement on something here comes Kyrie to "well actually" things and not actually give any answers on what should be done. The entire "Free Kyrie" movement and comparing him to a political prisoner? Absolutely insane. He didn't want to take a vaccine so he didn't get to play, he wasn't jailed for having beliefs that are righteous. To act like he has been treated unfairly is frankly insulting. Covid isn't a joke and he played a stupid game and for the majority for the season won a stupid prize.

Coach of the Year: Monty Williams, Phoenix Suns

All the Suns did was win. They made a run to the Finals last season and while the initial thought was that it was more of one of those fluke seasons, Monty was able to battle Covid outbreaks, injuries and increased pressure to not only live up to the expectations but surpass them. Monty Williams is one of the most likeable guys in the NBA so seeing him succeed (even with noted dick puncher Chris Paul) has been so damn refreshing.

Rookie of the Year: Evan Mobley, F/C, Cleveland Cavaliers

No rookie stepped on the court from day one more prepared to be a game changing player than Evan Mobley. He is able to defend every position on the floor much in the way Bam Adebayo can, and proved to be a little more polished offensively than he showed during his one year at USC. He did shoot only 25 % from the 3 point line but hey he's a 7 foot post player what do you expect? Pairing him with Jarrett Allen has given the Cavs a down low duo that as a Bulls fan I am not a fan of. 

Team of the Year: Memphis Grizzlies

Last year the Grizzlies made a jump into the playoffs and while they lost to the Utah Jazz, they didn't make it easy for them. Given the injuries suffered by the team this year not only did they live up to last season's goals, they obliterated them as they are the 2 seed in the Western Conference including a 20-4 record in games missed by Morant. Top to bottom they may be the most balanced team in the West and are primed for a deep run with a young core of Desmond Bane, Jaren Jackson Jr and Dillon Brooks flanking Morant.

Sixth Man of the Year: Tyler Herro, SG, Miami Heat

The Heat were the class of the Eastern Conference this season from beginning to end. And while rightfully Bam Adebayo, Kyle Lowry and Jimmy Butler get the bulk of the attention, Tyler Herro definitely is a big reason for their success. Averaging over 20 points a game and shooting almost 40% from 3, he has anchored the second unit and kept the team humming when the starters need a break. 

Most Valuable Player: Nikola Jokic, C, Denver Nuggets

All year I ran from this inevitable conclusion but I can't run anymore. Jokic is the MVP and as much as I love Giannis and Embiid it's not even close. For years Jokic has been a darling of the analytics crowd and this year was no different. However when you look at even traditional stats it's hard to argue against the guy. He averages 27 points, 13.8 rebounds and almost 8 assists a night on a team missing Michael Porter Jr and Jamal Murray. In fact in games played by Jokic, the Nuggets are 18 games over .500. And this year he has even added in 1.5 steals a night. While he won't be in contention for Defensive player of the year, the added wrinkle of him being above average defensively is a pleasant surprise. If you remove Giannis or Embiid from their teams they make the pay in tourney, if you remove Jokic the Nuggets are in the draft lottery.

Well there you have it, I will absolutely do what I can to make sure it's not 4 months between posts again because your boy has missed this. If you want something else to root for, please watch the  Timberwolves vs the Grizzles because Anthony Edwards is the most entertaining player the masses are not fawning over.