The Puma Mocks the 2019 NFL Draft

Ah yes that time has arrived again, the time for me to look into the fortunes of teams who did not fleece the Raiders and shock the world and win the NFC North. Sorry had to throw that bit of Bears love in there, this offseason has been a weird one with a few twists that frankly no one saw coming but that is not gonna stop me from giving you my loyal fives of readers what you never knew you craved. Without further ado, the Puma gives you how the top ten will play out. Unless it goes completely different, hey this is free content you get what you paid for.

1. Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray, QB- Oklahoma
No one has had his stock rise this year more than Kyler Murray. Coming into the season it appeared that Murray was going to be taking his talents to Oakland as an outfielder for the A's as he was their first round pick. This was just supposed to be his swan song.

Boy was I wrong. He came in and had a historically great season and statistically outplayed his predecessor Baker Mayfield. The Cardinals are a shit show. They fired their coach after one season to bring in a guy who couldn't make it at Texas Tech. The quarterback that fits his scheme is more Murray than the incumbent Josh Rosen, who I expect to be traded away probably by the time I hit publish.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Nick Bosa, DE- Ohio State
The 49ers in a short time have become a not so poorly run franchise. I will admit I gave John Lynch very little chance to be successful.

He has put some pretty good pieces together on the offensive side of the ball and now time has come to bring a little attention to the defensive side of the ball. They added Dee Ford from the Chiefs already, time to pair him up with the best defensive lineman in the draft. And while I think he is a sucker for all his tweeting and deleting, on the field Ol' Bootstraps Bosa is no joke.

3. New York Jets: Quinnen Williams, DT- Alabama
Given they have a quarterback of the future, a running back of the future, and a star in Leonard Williams, time to get another defensive lineman to give the Jets a formidable front line.

Quinnen Williams was a star with the NFL factory down in Tuscaloosa. Given that the Jets were 26th against the run last season I'm sure his eight sacks and 19.5 tackles for loss will be greatly appreciated on Broadway.

4. Oakland Raiders: Josh Allen, LB/DE- Kentucky
Last season Jon Gruden traded away a dynamic outside linebacker/defensive end with a skill for rushing the passer. As a Bears fan I thank you again. As the fates would have it, the top pass rushing prospect on the board has fallen into Chuckie's lap.

So barring the Raiders going all Raiders on us, it would make sense to bring Josh Allen and his dominating style to the Bay. I mean who could pass up 14 sacks and 18.5 tackles for loss. And no that is not a veiled reference to Khalil Mack. He had 12.5 sacks this season. Thanks again Raiders!

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jawaan Taylor, OT- Florida
The Buccaneers have a new coach in Bruce Arians and the man in the Kangol loves Jameis Winston. So that means they are going to need to put some protections in place to keep him upright this coming season. Enter the most physically imposing tackle on the board.

 He is from the area having his played his ball at the University of Florida and measuring in at 6'5 and 312 lbs he's agile enough to handle speed rushers and big enough to withstand power rushers.

6. New York Giants: Montez Sweat, DE- Mississippi St.
Will the Giants handle the glaring hole they have at quarterback? No, not with this pick. Given that they have a running back of the future, a solid albeit not spectacular receiving core the only place that really needs help is the pass rush.

And while I considered Ed Oliver here I think the size and edge rushing ability of Sweat will give him the edge here. And while he does have an enlarged heart that has been cleared, his performance at the Combine and Senior Bowl should be worth the risk.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Jonah Williams, OT- Alabama
I would have had the Jaguars taking a quarterback in this spot but they signed Nick Foles this offseason.

Given that they are going to need to protect him and they are also going to need to find way to make holes for the potential franchise running back they have in Leonard Fournette then it just makes sense for the Tom Coughlin to pick up the best tackle on the board in Jonah Williams. A strong, fast tackle with excellent footwork and the pedigree of being in a few big time games at Bama should get the Jags back on track.

8. Detroit Lions: Ed Oliver, DT- Houston
The Lions have lacked a consistent terror on the defensive line since Ndamokung Suh. Insert Ed Oliver into the equation. Now I know they say no player is bigger than the program, this however is not true in the case of Ed Oliver.

The only 5 star recruit to ever commit to a non power conference school kind of got caught in the lurch. Agreeing to play for Tom Herman who promptly dipped off for the University of Texas. Despite playing out of position Oliver was wild dominant and clearly a truly special player. If Matt Patricia is half the defensive mind people claim he is they could have the beginnings of an amazing defense.

9. Buffalo Bills: Rashan Gary, DT- Michigan
The Bills lost the one mainstay on their defense for the past 13 seasons when Kyle Williams retired after the 2018 season. What better replacement for him than the ultra versatile blue chip defensive lineman from Ann Arbor?

The two time all Big Ten selection while adept at rushing the passer has shown he is also quite capable against the run. Given the harsh winters in Buffalo I would imagine that's a good skill to have as teams tend to pound the ball when he elements get inclement and baby it don't get no more inclement than Ralph Wilson Stadium in the winter. 

10. Denver Broncos: Devin Bush, LB- Michigan
They could draft a quarterback here even though John Elway has proven time and time again he is quite incompetent at selecting a decent signal caller so let's just say this would be the smart choice. If Bush falls to 10 I don't think there is any way you can pass him up.

He had an amazing career at Michigan and during the combine he went and showed the hell out. With Von Miller and Shane Ray providing the pressure, his sideline to sideline speed could help them return that defense from very good to an elite level that contends year to year.

Well there you have it folks. Your boy has given what he think s will be the top 10 picks nd while 8 of them invariably will be wrong I had a pretty good time doing. Take it easy and remember as the great poet Pablo Neruda once said, "Bear Down!." 

To My Boy on His 2nd Anniversary Escaping the Womb

Another trip around the sun so you know what that means...another rambling and long winded ode to my son. So if you came here petty roasting or sports takes you didn't ask for then come back, I promise I got you next post. 

Two years ago today I sat there in a hospital room, in awe of my wife and terrified in the moments leading up to his arrival in the world. Here I was, a guy who was scared of clowns and laughed (quite heartily I might add) at dick and fart jokes.

I got this baby for straight cash! 

What business did i have with this precious gift? He was born quickly and on his due date (my boy is very punctual) and as he sat there being weighed and I eagerly counted fingers and toes, and thanked sweet 7 lb, 8 oz baby Jesus he had not been born with my hairline.  

In the 2 years since his birth every day has been a journey of learning something new. In recent months he has become quite the talker. Every day I walk into his room and I am greeted with a "DADA!" He then tells me how he's going to go "night-night" and proceeds to jump under his covers for a solid 5 minutes. It's really quite funny and he is really quite the goof ball which has me filled with joy because I too, am a goof.

A true Sox fan, he just doesn't know it yet.

And what I am most impressed by with him is his timing with his pettiness. For instance, one day his mother asked the obvious rhetorical question " is dada handsome?" With a confused look and a side eye he remarked "I handsome." Leaving me to just sit there and absorb the burn dished out by a child who still poops his pants.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I love sports. As the boy gets older he now has begun to show an interest in the thing I love most (non people related of course.)

Let me show you the ol' Thompson spin move. 

I'm not gonna lie, when he got so excited to see me shoot baskets or asks to go to the basement to take some swings with his baseball a brother gets a touch emotional. And even though he isn't cheering for the same teams as me (...yet) sharing moments of the college basketball tournament with him was one of my favorite moments of this or any other year.
Every Sunday he helps me make my 800 cups of coffee, loves to "push the button" to start the washing machine and will let you know when he likes something, quite loudly and enthusiastically. An intelligent, sweet kid who gives the best hugs and still lets me smother him with my hugs and kisses and just giggles uncontrollably.

"The sun is too bright dada"

So to my boy on his day I say to you keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving. Your dada will always be here for that high five, that hug and to make you a peanut butter sandwich. 

The Chocolate Puma NBA Awards Extravaganza!

Ooooh wee, the NBA season has concluded and hot damn was it an amazing one. And not counting the complete and utter ineptitude of the Chicago Bulls this has been a fantastic season. You had unparalleled greatness in Giannis, infuriating greatness in Harden, and surprising greatness in some unproven players. So without further ado I give you the Chocolate Puma Awards for outstanding achievement in the field of excellence.

Executive of the Year: Gar Forman and John Paxson, Chicago Bulls

.....
Just kidding!

Masai Ujiri, Toronto Raptors:
Now the Raptors could have stayed pat with the team that was currently assembled but Ujiri took a gamble and not only fired the coach of the year in Dwayne Casey but he also traded away the franchise player in Demar DeRozan and turned that into a little player named Kawahi Leonard. A finally healthy Leonard and a revamped lineup hopefully is the cure for Toronto's postseason woes...that and the dude from Akron who no longer plays for the Cavaliers.

Sixth Man of the Year: Lou Williams, G, LA Clippers:
So last year I declared Lou Williams as sixth man of the year and damned if I'm not gonna run it back this year. His current run the past few seasons are rivaling the run of the man who preceded him in both winning this award and as the sixth man for the Clippers Jamal Crawford.

With all the turnover on this team one thing was constant, 20 points a night from Sweet Lou Will, without a question the most dangerous player not starting in the NBA.

Rookie of the Year: Luka Doncic, SF, Dallas Mavericks:
I thought Luka would be good this season. I mean he has been playing against grown men since he was an even younger teenager. I did not think however he would come into the league THIS ready to make an impact.

There was no learning curve, no adjustments, just a guy who was comfortable immediately to the tune of 21 points, 7.8 rebounds and 6 assists a night. Needless to say that he is going to seamlessly pick up the mantle of dominant scoring Euro now that Dirk has moved on to greener pastures.

Coach of the Year: Mike Budenholzer, Milwaukee Bucks:
I looked for ways to not choose Budenholzer simply to troll my friend Cassie but he just did too good of a job for me to ignore him. Last season with the essentially the same roster the Bucks squeaked in the playoffs with 44 wins and were a 7 seed. This season a competent coach took over and unleashed the Greek Freak and a three point shooting Brook Lopez (words I never thought I'd type) and boom, a 16 win improvement and the top seed out of nowhere. If they are able to resign some of their supporting cast this offseason I would not be shocked if they continue their upward trajectory.

Most Improved Player: D'Angelo Russell, PG, Brooklyn Nets:
Remember when the promising number 2 pick in the 2015 draft was traded away essentially because he couldn't put his phone down? When we look back in a few years it's gonna be wild to think that a guy who became an all-star was traded because the front office thought guys would be hesitant to play with him due to his penchant for recording conversations on snapchat.

Well this season all anyone could say about Russell was how he helped turn a complete hopeless franchise into a playoff team and a player in the free agent bonanza coming this offseason. Leading the team in scoring and assists, and having a career year in 3 point shooting percentage.  

Defensive Player of the Year: Rudy Gobert, C, Utah Jazz:
Last season there was a little bit of doubt as to whether or not Gobert should have been defensive player of the year because he missed over 20 games. This season he removed all doubt as he matched his blocks per game from last season and set a new career high in defensive rebounds per game.

Not to mention some things that don't show up on the stat sheet such as guys who drive in the lane and immediately regret said decision and pass the ball back out to the perimeter. Easily he is the most disruptive interior defensive force in the game until Wendell Carter comes for his crown (You know I had to get a Bulls reference in there).

Most Valuable Player: James Harden, G, Houston Rockets:
This was quite difficult for me to choose. Giannis had such an amazing season, a season we probably haven't seen since Shaq's last season in Orlando. Seriously, look at the numbers, they are ridiculously similar. That said, what James Harden this season is historic. And while I think it's not fun to watch him do work, one thing you can't deny is that Mr. Harden gets busy.

He averaged over 36 points this season and kept the team afloat through the Carmelo Anthony experiment and the annual Chris Paul injury. Remove him from this team and the Rockets are in the lottery and Mike D'Antoni is probably interviewing in Sacramento or Memphis or some basketball wasteland.

Well there you have it folks, the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouth lunatic. Here's to more staying awake until 12:30 because the damn Warriors can't hold a 31 point lead.

Wrestlemania 2019 Review

I know traditionally your boy takes the time and gives you his opinion on all the matches from Wrestlemania. This year I will be doing things a bit differently. Mainly because the card has 17 matches and is probably gonna 7 hours long. Are you out of your mind?! What I will do is focus on one match in particular and it's build.

Kofi Kingston has been in the WWE for 11 years. Not once in that 11 years has Kofi gotten the chance to contend for the WWE title.

Always healthy, always dependable but never gotten the chance to be the man. So when you see fans, particularly black fans, ecstatic that Kofi-Mania is in full effect  it is more than just a story line reason we're excited. We're excited because we've seen someone in front of us working twice as hard to get half as far as other superstars such as Jinder Mahal, Sheamus, and Jeff Hardy.

The whole build to Kofi Kingston-Daniel Bryan is kind of reminding me of one of the more vile storylines in my eyes.

When Booker T., a long time A+ performer finally got his moment to contend for the WWE title against Triple H who unleashed a wildly racist promo which would have had you thinking that he would receive his comeuppance but that was not to be the case. He lost cleanly to Triple H and that was that. All that vile rhetoric was for naught and he got away with it because of course he did.

So as a black wrestling fan, to see someone so unabashedly black, ascend to the point where he can be the first "one of us" kind of champions means a lot. Someone who has never changed who he was despite the fact he could have gotten to this point in his career much sooner had he done so. And to have it happen so organically just shows that fans are ready to not only believe in but also get behind and support a black champion.

So I guess this is my long winded way of saying that I believe we are going to have a new champion and that man is Kofi Kingston.

Also we know that New Day celebration is gonna be lit BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY!

NXT Takeover New York Preview

It's that time of year for us wrestling marks, our Christmas season if you will. Wrestlemania season! A whole year's worth of storylines being paid off on the grandest stage of them all. And it should come as no surprise that the lowkey crown jewel of the weekend has been the NXT Takeover shows. Although this year is kind of tainted with the injury to the NXT champion Tommaso Ciammpa, that however has not dulled the shine on this card. Without further adieu I give you my humble thoughts.

Aleister Black and Ricochet VS The War Raiders (NXT Tag Team Championship)

The annual teaming up of two singles stars to form a tag team has been pretty damn entertaining actually. Ricochet is one of the most amazing athletes that I have ever seen, while Black can throw some kicks that make your bones hurt just to watch. The War Raiders have been traveling the globe together for quite a while as War Machine in Ring of Honor and New Japan and have been a remarkably dominant team putting on amazing performance after performance. Given that Black and Ricochet have been called up I expect this to be a great back and forth but in the the Raiders will retain.
Winner: War Raiders

WALTER VS Pete Dunne (WWE UK Championship)
The bruiserweight has had an amazing reign, he is currently the longest reigning current champion, almost coming up to the two year mark. He has risen to every challenge and put on a 5 star effort in the process.

We're talking here!

Now he faces the Ring General himself WALTER. This wrestling Frankenstein is a freak in the best sense of the word. Remarkably agile for a man his size and pound for pound has the best chop in the business. I imagine this is going to pit the speed and joint manipulation of Dunne against the power and unbeatable aura of WALTER. By the end of the night I expect the strings of Dvorak's symphony to be playing and the reign of the Ring General to begin.
Winner: WALTER

Matt Riddle VS Velveteen Dream (NXT North American Championship)
This is the hardest match of the evening for me to predict. The Puma is a long time fan of both the Dream and Riddle.

This was the entire match.

Dream for going all in on this character which could in the hands of a lesser performer could have become a running gay joke but Dream is a complex, psycho-sexual weirdo that has crowds eating out the palm of his hands. Matt Riddle is an aloof bro, yet on paper when we should hate this guy, he is so genuine that you can't help but love the guy. I think that we are close to a Dream call up so given that I think we will see the Bro get his first title win.
Winner: Matt Riddle

Io Shirai VS Bianca Belair VS Kairi Sane VS Shayna Bayzler (NXT Women's Championship)
I could make a compelling case for all of the women in this match to take the title. Io Shirai is the hot shot winner of the Mae Young Classic, Belair is the popular and athletically superior upstart, Kairi Sane has been to the mountaintop and knows what it takes to beat Bayzler and Bayzler has become a pretty damn intense and sometimes terrifying performer.

Given that she has become more and more unhinged as the build has gone on I would say that her emotions are going to betray her. Sane has already won the title so it really comes down to two choices for me. Belair may be a little green for the title right now, so I think we get another title change and Io Shirai continues her very succesful rookie year.
Winner: Io Shirai

Johnny Gargano VS Adam Cole (NXT Championship)
This was supposed to be the moment that Johnny Gargano finally overcame his own personal demon in Tommaso Ciampa and won the NXT Title. Injuries have scrapped that plan so far. So now we shift into the the story of Adam Cole, slimy leader of the Undisputed Era trying to bring to pass his prophecy that every member of the Era would have gold in NXT and the redemption of Johnny Wrestling.

I don't see really see a reason to keep Gargano around NXT without the Ciampa storyline so I think that Cole will take the title and a new reign begins 2 years after he made his debut at the biggest Takeover of the year.
Winner: Adam Cole

Well folks there you have it, I'm sitting anxiously waiting for the biggest wrestling weekend of the year so feel free to let a brother know what you think is going to happen.

March's Sit Your Ass Down Award

I may have gone a month without giving you, my loyal fives of readers the kind of quality that you have come to expect from me, the Chocolate Puma. So it may be a few days late but who in March earned the ire of the Puma of Chocolate descent? Well there has been no shortage of contestants for this prestigious award, there has been one person who has stood out more than anyone.

Entitled ass sports fans, get your ass up here and sit your ass down!

Will someone stop serving Sharon chardonnay please?

Oooh boy this has been a long time coming. So in the year of our Lord 2019, we have Russell Westbrook on tape threatening to give the gift of an well deserved beat down to a fan and his wife in Utah, who it was later revealed that the two were being racist asshats to Westbrook.

In Boston we had a fan being banned for a season and a half for calling Boogie Cousins a nigger and it's only April. I don't know what it is about some people who buy tickets and immediately gain a sense of ownership over the athletes they paid to see. And this isn't a new phenomenon or even relegated to American sports. In Europe fans routinely call African players monkeys and taunt them by throwing bananas. To the point that some federations actually make the teams play in empty stadiums as punishment for the unruly abuse being thrown at these guys who are just going to work.

The most mind boggling thing to me is that Johnny Sportsfan who was at his athletic prime when trainers were rubbing aspercreme on knees trying to cure torn ACLs thinks he can insult, disrespect and be verbally abusive consequence free to literal super beings.

Seriously, look at this guy who told Russ to "get on your knees like you used to." This dude thought he could make a comment like that to a human being that can do this:

I think there is one reasonable solution to this epidemic of disrespect. That's right, the athlete who has been besmirched gets 5 minutes alone with said jackass and there will be no intervention from the law and there is no fear of being sued. Billy Beer Can is gonna be singing a different tune if he knows he has to go toe to toe with a 6'11 power forward.

The fans started the Malice in the Palace and deserved that ass whupping!

I live my motto by the rule, "talk shit, get hit." It's clear some of ya'll never got punched in the face and boy does it show.