Another month down, another assclown who is need of a verbal dressing down by none other than the Puma of Chocolate descent. We had no shortage of morons who stepped up and wanted to be told to sit that posterior down and take the chillest of all pills. This month it's going to be an entire collection that feels my wrath. Athletic Department of Ohio State, bring your monkey asses up here so you can sit your ass down.
Now why would the prestigious Ohio State need to be told to sit down? Well recently they suspended their head football coach Urban Meyer three games. This would be big news if the NCAA hadn't just suspended members of the UNC Football team for four games for selling shoes.
You mean a student athlete PROFITED?!?!
The NCAA also suspended Todd Gurley 4 games for receiving $400 for signing mini helmets and Dez Bryant was suspended by the NCAA for lying about a lunch with Deion Sanders. The lie would be a violation of NCAA Bylaw 10.1, which addresses "unethical conduct" and includes "Knowingly furnishing the NCAA or the individual's institution false or misleading information concerning the individual's involvement in or knowledge of matters relevant to a possible violation of an NCAA regulation."
Why is that important you may be asking? Well Urban Meyer has long covered for Zach Smith the grandson of a mentor of his ignoring man red flags that most coaches would have hopefully have picked up on. For instance, in 2009 Smith was arrested on suspicion of battery of his wife.
Looks like Aaron Hernandez wasn't the only menace on that Florida squad.
Despite this he was hired by Urban Meyer to be his receivers coach. From October to December of 2016 there were multiple instances of police being called for menacing by stalking, refusing to return his son on a parental visit and was given a criminal trespassing warning. And not to downplay the seriousness of these allegations, he wasn't even doing his job well. Routinely missing recruiting visits, and according to Ohio State's own report had a history of “promiscuous and embarrassing sexual behavior, drug abuse, truancy, dishonesty, financial irresponsibility, a possible NCAA violation, and a lengthy police investigation into allegations of criminal domestic violence and cyber crimes.”
Despite all of this he was retained by Meyer. In fact he keeps him on staff until Brett McMurphy breaks the story and the same day Smith is quietly fired. Then to make matters worse Meyer outright lied at Big Ten media day and blamed it on medication, forgetfulness and trying not to discuss a sensitive matter in the media. Dude. Given all this wouldn't ya say this is a violation of NCAA Bylaw 10.1?
I would say he earned a discounted tattoo.
Now while Meyer can have all the seats, let's not forget how THE Ohio State athletic department vilified the members of the team who were suspended for selling championship rings, jerseys and awards for cash and discounted tattoos. The players were suspended five games and it eventually cost Jim Tressel his job.
So yes, the entire NCAA and THE institution of Ohio State can be put in rice because if a woman being beaten is secondary to tattoos, selling shoes, or lying about lunch then the whole damn system is a joke.
Well another month, another attempt at successfully prognosticating the world of choreographed grappling. Given that my track record is pretty terrible one may wonder, why spend time coming up with these? Well it's because you the loyal fives of readers demand it! And I, being a benevolent man of the people would be selfish to deprive you. So again without further ado, here's how I see it shaking out. (Note: I am not doing the pre-show, 10 matches is enough for you all, this is free content by the way.)
Braun Strowman VS Kevin Owens (Money in the Bank contract on the line)
I expect this match to lead of off the show so all night the will he, won't he tension can be teased. The build to this match is all pointing to Owens winning this match as he got the match to be conducted under Quebec rules meaning even if he wins by disqualification or count out he would win the Money in the Bank briefcase. Now given his penchant for not caring about who wins or loses and just wanting to cause destruction one would think Strowman is going to lose.
I disagree, the reaction to this guy is just too big not to at least have him lurking in the periphery of the title scene. Winner: Braun Strowman Daniel Bryan VS The Miz
This match is one that we have been waiting for. Daniel Bryan is the indie darling who made good. The accessible every man who proved that through hard work you could ascend to the top of your profession against the reality star who seemingly was manufactured to be in this spot.
From the years of berating Bryan to the blatant questioning of the Miz's talent by Bryan this match is one that has been built properly and while it may seem the match is rushed I think that this could lead to a Wrestlemania match NEXT year if they play this right. Given that I think this match goes to the Miz and begins a long climb to Miz vs Bryan for the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Winner: The Miz Finn Balor VS Baron Corbin
I loved Finn Balor in Japan as the first head of the Bullet Club. His real Rock-N-Rolla gimmick fit him but in the WWE without his face paint he's just a guy who smiles a lot with abs. Baron Corbin seems to have been reinvigorated with this Constable of Raw gimmick but is kind of treading water with this feud. My guess is Corbin goes over here and Finn comes back smiling again Monday. Winner: Baron Corbin Jeff Hardy VS Shinuske Nakamura (US Championship)
This may be another popcorn match which pains me to say. When the champion is the third most important person in a feud it's never a good sign.
Don't worry Shinuske, I too hope you get a good feud.
Randy Orton who while I will admit as a sadistic heel is one of my favorites I don't feel like Shinuske is needed as the focus has been on Hardy-Orton. That said I think Nakamura leaves with his title in tow and Hardy and Orton can go on to have a feud from here. Winner: Nakamura Charlotte Flair VS Becky Lynch VS Carmella (Smackdown Women's Championship)
There may not be a better babyface in wrestling right now than Becky Lynch. Juxtapose that to the ridiculous Princess of Staten Island and you have a pretty dope match right? Well how about you throw in the best friend of Lynch to the equation? Now you got some tension.
Perhaps she could join the New Day?
I have a feeling that there is going to be some confusion and that momentary confusion is going to be all Carmella needs and she will escape with the title. And while I wouldn't have Flair and Lynch feud I do think that oh I don't know having them go against Sasha Banks and Bayley for the Women's Tag Team Titles would be a good idea. Winner: Carmella Seth Rollins VS Dolph Ziggler (Intercontinental Championship)
Right now there is no better wrestler in the WWE than Seth Rollins. No matter who you put him in the ring against you're going to get your money's worth. Dolph Ziggler has always been a very good wrestler but teaming him with Drew McIntyre has been an amazing choice.
Not to be outdone a returning Dean Ambrose looks jacked and he is getting a massive babyface pop. If I'm booking this Rollins gets the win, then Monday Rollins loses the title to someone because of Ziggler and McIntyre and then we get tag team warfare baby! Winner: Seth Rollins The New Day VS The Bludgeon Brothers (Smackdown Tag Team Championship)
I kind of feel bad for Luke Harper. This guy can GO. But he is stuck in a ridiculous tag team and when he was a singles wrestler he was very poorly used.
The New Day have been on a roll recently. In fact their match against The Bar on Smackdown last week was one of my favorite matches of the year. I would predict that The New Day pick up the title to feud with the Bar, Sanity and perhaps down the road even the Usos again because they have got that chemistry baby. Winner: The New Day
Ronda Rousey VS Alexa Bliss (Raw Women's Championship)
This is going to be a hard one to predict. The WWE loves to have the mainstream appeal that Ronda Rousey brings but she has only had a handful of matches. Alexa Bliss while being a very good promo just does not bring the intimidation that Rousey does since she is small enough to classify as a carry on item on most airlines. So what is gonna happen here? Well I'll tell you what's gonna happen. Noa Jax is going to come back and she is gonna wreck shop. She's going to wreck Bliss for all the things said during their last feud and Rousey catching it for being so new and given so many opportunities. This will probably lead to a triple threat match at Hell in the Cell where Rousey gets her first title run. Winner: Alexa Bliss via DQ Samoa Joe VS AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
There are few wrestlers who I love more than Samoa Joe. He cuts an intimidating promo, has an aggressive style that will make you believe the chant "Joe's gonna kill you" is true. AJ Styles is possibly the best wrestler in the world, but if we're being honest this title run has left much to be desired.
Nice title reign you have there, be a shame if someone ended it.
He recently passed JBL as the longest reigning Smackdown champion so I say there is no better time to freshen up the title scene. I think Joe makes AJ too aggressive and in his haste he shall fall victim to the Coquina Clutch and Joe gets his first title on the main roster. Winner: Samoa Joe Roman Reigns VS Brock Lesnar (Universal Championship)
Sigh. Do we have to do this? Fine! Ok, this could be a good match. But the lead up has been pure basura. Reigns just confidently swaggers around like he didn't get suplexed so hard the last few times they've wrestled that it realigned his chakras. If he was coming into this a little tenative or with a little self doubt then you have someone the people can get behind. Instead you have a petulant brat who keeps seemingly gifted opportunities after losses.
If they were smart you'd have Reigns win with the help of The Authors of Pain who reveal themselves to be henchmen of none other than Paul Heyman. Roman wins, and as he holds the title Paul Heyman extends his hand. One handshake, one massive villain has been born and you have an interesting story. Instead you'll probably get suplex, suplex, F5, and another Lesnar win. Yawn. Winner: Brock Lesnar
Well there we have it folks. Another successful attempt at trying to figure out the booking decisions of a 75 year old man who lives in Connecticut. Here's to the Revival shatter machining their way to the Raw Tag Team titles during the pre-show.
That time has arrived yet again. Another Takeover and to be honest this one is going to be damn amazing.
However, once they begin to work in some of the newer signees like Keith Lee, Matt Riddle and Io Shirai we may be approaching heights never before seen in NXT and that is saying something. Now on with the prognostication!
Velveteen Dream VS EC
This was kind of a random feud as Velveteen Dream has been killing it recently with his next level psychological heel work and EC3 is just getting reintroduced to the WWE universe as a kind of heel? That said I have been loving these two go back and forth. Dream drops some of the best one liners in the game and there are few better on the mic when he's motivated than EC3.
Why yes Dream, you are a future champ.
I expect them to probably go out and give a glimpse into the next contender for one of the two singles titles. In the end the age of the Dream is gonna be his downfall as they have to build EC3 up for a main roster push sooner rather than later and Dream is only 23 years old. Frankly I won't be mad at all with the winner regardless of the outcome. Winner: EC3
Kairi Sane VS Shayna Bayzler (NXT Women's Championship)
I was wild skeptical of Shayna Bayzler when she began her run in NXT but I gotta say she has been a refreshing change of pace. She's not some chicken heel, she goes out there, punches you in the face and chokes you out. Her only real blemish came against Ember Moon and she was lucky to get a roll up victory.
As for the Pirate Princess, she is quite the plucky babyface and has a history with Bayzler. Hopefully this match allows her to show off her more aggressive side and not just paint her as some goofy chick who like pirates. In the end I say Bayzler retains but I certainly don't think it will be a clean victory so we get one more match at the next Takeover. Winner: Shayna Bayzler Ricochet VS Adam Cole (NXT North American Championship)
This match is going to be a god damn barn-burner. Ricochet is one of if not the top high flyer in the business and while not a strong suit his promo is a good one. Adam Cole if he was 6'1 would be the Universal Champion right this minute. In the ring the guy just gets it, on the mic he is electric and he has the crowd eating out of his hand. He's so good that if you just say Adam Cole someone will burst out of nowhere and scream "BA-BAY!"
Boom.
The build to this has been pretty damn good, and once in the ring I think these two will play off very well against each other. I would expect one of Cole's Undisputed Era cohorts to interfere this keeping Ricochet strong but continuing the Undisputed Era's dominance. Winner: Adam Cole Mustache Mountain VS The Undisputed Era (NXT Tag Team Championship)
The match they had in Royal Albert Hall is on the short list for tag team match of the year. Tyler Bate and Trent Seven just have this magnetic charisma that makes them amazing babyfaces that you just want to root for. Juxtapose that to the unmatched dickishness of the Undisputed Era especially Kyle O'Reilly and you got a match up of the the immovable object meeting the irresistible force of personalities. I definitely think that this will be a close match but I think in a close one the Messiah of the Back-breaker and the Lord Douchebag Kyle O'Reilly will hold on for the win.
What a dick.
Side note, I'm curious when Bobby Fish is going to be cleared and how that plays out with who represents them as tag team champs. Winner: Undisputed Era Johnny Gargano VS Tommaso Ciampa- Last Man Standing (NXT Championship)
Now for the main event and hot damn what a main event we got. Gargano has become a man obsessed with Tommy Entertainment who has used this obsession to ascend to the top of the NXT card and becoming the NXT Champion. This is the rubber match in their trilogy of matches and after the wild show that they put on in the last Takeover this last man standing match has the potential to be the best of the three given the added weight of the NXT Title being on the line.
If I'm booking this I use this as the great comeuppance of the Sicilian Psychopath. And in turn the great redemption of Johnny Gargano who had to become everything he hated to defeat his former friend. Then you have a built in feud with a returning Aleister Black coming for the crown he unfairly lost, and you can possibly move Ciampa to 205 Live to become the new villain of that brand. Winner: Johnny Gargano
Well there you have it, you know the card is gonna be damn ridiculous if Velveteen Dream vs EC3 is the least hyped match and anything involving those two will be straight fire. Good luck keeping up SummerSlam.
I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, shout out to the Mickstape Podcast, and they had the ambitious idea of ranking the top 50 players of all time. I have a sales job and a family so 50 was absolutely out the question. I will give you my top ten because it is what you, my loyal fives of readers demand! Just as a spoiler alert to this list, many of you will notice that Karl Malone is absent from my top ten. Well that's because this space is a "Fuck Karl Malone" zone and shall remain so. Now without any further ado...The Top Ten!
10. Hakeem Olajuwan -C
Kicking off my list is none other than the Dream himself. He was probably the first hybrid center in modern history. With the footwork of a soccer player, for the better part of 17 seasons he shook big men out of their respective shoes with some of his moves.
For his career he averaged 21.8 pts, 11.1 rebounds, and 2.5 assists. He also led the league in blocks 3 times, averaged over 3 blocks a game 9 times, not to mention 5 seasons of averaging over 2 steals a game. The man was a true defensive wizard.
9. Shaquille O'Neal- C
The scary thing about Shaq is that without even really trying he is still a top 10 player ever. It's weird in a sense you're mad that he didn't show the effort others did or even the commitment to getting into shape as some of his peers but even with that being the case, still an all time great. People will always remember him for the power he exhibited which is totally fair but never forget about the agility the Big Aristotle displayed. In fact if you need proof of this look up the all star game showdown he had with Michael Jordan in warm ups for confirmation of this.
For 14 consecutive seansons he averaged over 20 points, 10 times he led the league in field goal percentage and I defy to find a player to give you the fire nicknames like the Big Shaqtus.
8. Wilt Chamberlain- C
Another spot, another big man. I think Chamberlain may have been the most gifted scorer of his era, on and off the court.
If we're talking about his off the court accomplishments, that may be a post for another day. For his career he averaged over 22 rebounds a game and 9 times he led the league in minutes per game. One of the most amazing stats you'll ever see is he holds the record for most 60 point games with 32, the next closest has 5. He is the ONLY player to ever average 40 or 50 points for an entire season. The man was a video game character for sure.
7. Bill Russell- C
You can't mention Wilt without in the same breath mentioning Bill Russell. For as dynamic a force offensively Chamberlain was Russell was his perfect defensive dance partner. When Russell blocked shots it wasn't just a show of dominance over another player, it also was used as a means of starting the fast break.
In this case proving adept at ending a fast break
The man may be the most decorated athlete of all time regardless of sport. 11 time NBA champion, 5 time MVP, 12 time All star, 11 times voted to All NBA first or second team, 4 time rebounding champ and even grabbed 50 rebounds in one game. I'm going to repeat that because it bears repeating...he grabbed 50 rebounds in ONE GAME.
6. Larry Bird- SF
I was scrolling through twitter one morning and I saw someone say Larry Bird wouldn't get off the bench in today's NBA. I blocked that person and reported them as spam for such blasphemy. Don't let that creepy mustache fool you, Larry Joe Bird would give the league problems no matter the era. For his career he averaged 24 points and 10 rebounds, not to mention 6 assists per night. A 12 time all star, a 9 time All NBA first team member, and 3 time MVP of the league. And the scary part is had he not had an injured back, these numbers all could have been even higher.
Not to mention the swag to walk into the locker room at the 3 Point Shootout and announce "So who's coming in second place?" Boss.
5. Magic Johnson- PG
Again another duo that will be forever linked. The battles from college to the pros, NCAA championship games to the NBA Finals they were destined for each other. Not since Oscar Robertson had the NBA seen a a big guard so adept at running the point guard position.
Magic didn't stop there, he may have been the most complete player of his era. Able to guard and play all 5 positions, while he may been known mainly for his passing prowess please believe that he would give you the business scoring as well averaging 19.5 points per game over the course of his career.
4. Tim Duncan- PF I think it may be because he had the personality of a warm cup of chamomile tea but while his career was going on I don't think I realized how great of a player he was. Like you could set your watch to the 21 points, 11 rebounds and 2 blocks he was going to give you.
Tim! Calm down, you're getting too worked up.
The Big Fundamental is one of those you can't see the forest for the trees type of players. In the moment you just think oh he's solid. But when you zoom out and look at his accomplishments then you can truly be wowed. 15 times he was an all star, 15 times he was All-NBA, 15 times he was All Defensive Team and only the second player to have 26,000 points, 15,000 rebounds and 3,000 blocks joining Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Add in the 5 NBA titles, 3 Finals MVPS, and 2 regular season MVPs and you have the greatest power forward of all time.
3. Kareem Abdul Jabbar- C
I have always had an infinity for the man formerly known as Lew Alcindor. No, not because we share a name but because if you factor in his college accomplishments with his professional then you may have the single most impressive resume of any basketball player ever. College alone saw him become a 3 time AP Player of the year, 3 time Final Four Most Outstanding Player, 3 time National Champion, and 3 time First team All American.
You knew it was coming and yet you still got that work.
We get to the pros and the first prodigy to have the weight of expected greatness not only handled it, he exceeded those expectations. He averaged 28 points and 14.5 rebounds out the gate and while blocks weren't calculated at the time his defensive rating per 100 possessions was 89 which is ridonculous. And it's fair to say that had blocks been calculated during his time he would be sitting at number as he sits at 3 even with the blocks from his first 4 seasons not being counted.
1B. LeBron James- SF
I've written about LeBron and his statistical prowess numerous times already and by year 15 I was thinking we would see a decline. Instead what we got was a 8th consecutive trip to the NBA Finals with arguably his weakest supporting cast since the 2006-07 Cavs team he led to the Finals. For his career he is a 14 time all star, 14 time All NBA, 4 time MVP and only the second player to win an NBA MVP, Championship, Finals MVP, and a Gold Medal all in the same year.
What truly is most impressive about the man is his versatility. He is the only player with 30,000 points, 7,000 assists and 8,000 rebounds. Given that in year 15 where a little drop off would be expected he gave us 27.5 point. 8.6 rebounds and 9 assists like it was nothing. Heavy is the head that wears the crown but if ever there was a king built for it, it's King James.
1A. Michael Jordan- SG
To the surprise of no one who knows the king of the mountain is his Airness himself. There may have been players who were physically dominating, or came into the league as more proficient shooters but none of them could put it together to have one of the most dominant careers of all time like Michael Jeffrey Jordan.
The 14 time all star and 10 time scoring champ is responsible for helping usher in the globalization of the NBA. Everyone wanted to be like Mike and for good reason. He was an 11 time All NBA selection, 9 time all Defensive selection, led the league in steals 3 times, and there are the 5 MVP awards as well. It got to a point where he was not getting votes for MVP because the press was so tired of voting for him because he had a stretch where he could (and probably should) have won every MVP award. Seriously go back and look at the stats to his 87/88 season and if a single tear doesn't roll down your cheek I question your commitment to this nerd life.
Well folks there you have it, the definitive top ten greatest players of my favorite sport. And we didn't use things like the eye test or hustle either! Straight stats baby! Holla analytics fans!
