May's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Welcome back loyals fives of readers. It's that time where I pour through my pettiest tweets, texts and articles I have read to find the person I have deemed worthy of not only having a very tall glass of "shut the hell up," but also the person who has earned the right to be told to please sit your ass down. This month's winner is a relative new comer to the consciousness of old Puma here. Ladies and gentlemen welcome up to the dais Mr. Hamilton Nolan. Oh Hammy, grab this seat and sit your ass down.

Not familiar with who Mr. Nolan is?

Not really him, just what I imagine him to look like.

Allow me to learn ya. He writes for splinternews.com and this week he wrote something that was so bad it would make your dear old granny vomit in rage. What did he write you may be asking? Well a lovely piece titled "Obama Sucks As a Post-President." If you have a moment to read it and aren't easily angered I'd say give it a look because your boy...was heated. Aside from this being a flaming bale of garbage I took umbrage with a few lines more than others.

In regards to post presidency in general: "It is a chance to do more meaningful work than you could accomplish in the White House. It is, in a very real way, a chance to pay back America for its belief in you"

Ok first of all, fuck you. You know what I'm getting ahead of myself. This smacks of some old condescending ass "we gave this to you," when he had to become president of the Harvard Law Review, a constitutional law professor, a State Senator, and a US Senator before earning his job at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So please miss me with "pay back America" line. The talented Monique Judge of the Root was able to convey that much better than I could.

"Jimmy Carter, who is viewed as a moral authority today far more than he was as president, is commonly cited as the best example of how to use post-presidential life for the common good."
Jimmy Carter has been out of office since the early Paleolithic era! Of course he's done more post presidency, he's been out of office 37 years! Obama has been done for a year and a half. How about you let the damn man relax after having the most stressful job on the planet. 

"We don’t just need Obama to speak out against Trump’s policies—we need someone with his credentials to actively demonstrate grace." 
Do I think we could use some of Obama's grace and class? Absolutely. Does he owe it to us? Hell no. For 8 years he offered us that, and in return the electorate chose a draft dodging, amoral cheeto as it's president. The fact he hasn't had a Ray Patterson style rant at all of our expense is downright classy of him. Who's Ray Patterson?


"So what did Barack Obama, one of the most famous men in the world, the immediate past leader of the world’s most powerful nation, do as soon as he left office, to demonstrate his commitment to solving these issues? He went on a kite surfing vacation with a billionaire. Then he got a $65 Million Dollar book deal. And then, this week, he signed a deal to produce shows for Netflix."

He's enjoying his life and making money? ARGH!!!

Uh what? So you wanted him to stop being president and immediately go back to doing the job of the president? Are you out your damn mind? He had more death threats than any president before him, had his wife called apes, children denigrated and because you have deemed him the Bagger Vance of the political world he can't go parasailing with Richard Branson? You're lucky I wasn't president, my first day post presidency I would be milly rocking with the cast of Atlanta at the BET Awards.

"Mr. President! Stop milly rocking on the ambassador!"

"Barack Obama: your life is not just about you. Get your fucking shit together man."

My actual reaction when I read this line.

Actually his life is about him and his family. You get your shit together, mind your business, and figure out this mess on your own. My mans tried to warn you, you didn't want to listen, now we all screwed. You. Fix. It. Also why aren't you asking George W. Bush what he's up to? Last I heard he was rehabilitating his image by painting cats and staring longingly at Michelle Obama.


Well folks, that's all I got. I didn't expect that to get so intense but here we are.