Welcome back loyals fives of readers. It's that time where I pour through my pettiest tweets, texts and articles I have read to find the person I have deemed worthy of not only having a very tall glass of "shut the hell up," but also the person who has earned the right to be told to please sit your ass down. This month's winner is a relative new comer to the consciousness of old Puma here. Ladies and gentlemen welcome up to the dais Mr. Hamilton Nolan. Oh Hammy, grab this seat and sit your ass down.
Not familiar with who Mr. Nolan is?
Not really him, just what I imagine him to look like.
Allow me to learn ya. He writes for splinternews.com and this week he wrote something that was so bad it would make your dear old granny vomit in rage. What did he write you may be asking? Well a lovely piece titled "Obama Sucks As a Post-President." If you have a moment to read it and aren't easily angered I'd say give it a look because your boy...was heated. Aside from this being a flaming bale of garbage I took umbrage with a few lines more than others.
In regards to post presidency in general: "It is a chance to do more meaningful work than you could accomplish in the White House. It is, in a very real way, a chance to pay back America for its belief in you"
Ok first of all, fuck you. You know what I'm getting ahead of myself. This smacks of some old condescending ass "we gave this to you," when he had to become president of the Harvard Law Review, a constitutional law professor, a State Senator, and a US Senator before earning his job at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So please miss me with "pay back America" line. The talented Monique Judge of the Root was able to convey that much better than I could. "Jimmy Carter, who is viewed as a moral authority today far more than he was as president, is commonly cited as the best example of how to use post-presidential life for the common good." Jimmy Carter has been out of office since the early Paleolithic era! Of course he's done more post presidency, he's been out of office 37 years! Obama has been done for a year and a half. How about you let the damn man relax after having the most stressful job on the planet. "We don’t just need Obama to speak out against Trump’s policies—we need someone with his credentials to actively demonstrate grace." Do I think we could use some of Obama's grace and class? Absolutely. Does he owe it to us? Hell no. For 8 years he offered us that, and in return the electorate chose a draft dodging, amoral cheeto as it's president. The fact he hasn't had a Ray Patterson style rant at all of our expense is downright classy of him. Who's Ray Patterson? "So what did Barack Obama, one of the most famous men in the world, the immediate past leader of the world’s most powerful nation, do as soon as he left office, to demonstrate his commitment to solving these issues? He went on a kite surfing vacationwith a billionaire. Then he got a $65 Million Dollar book deal. And then, this week, he signed a deal to produce shows for Netflix."
He's enjoying his life and making money? ARGH!!!
Uh what? So you wanted him to stop being president and immediately go back to doing the job of the president? Are you out your damn mind? He had more death threats than any president before him, had his wife called apes, children denigrated and because you have deemed him the Bagger Vance of the political world he can't go parasailing with Richard Branson? You're lucky I wasn't president, my first day post presidency I would be milly rocking with the cast of Atlanta at the BET Awards.
"Mr. President! Stop milly rocking on the ambassador!"
"Barack Obama: your life is not just about you. Get your fucking shit together man."
My actual reaction when I read this line.
Actually his life is about him and his family. You get your shit together, mind your business, and figure out this mess on your own. My mans tried to warn you, you didn't want to listen, now we all screwed. You. Fix. It. Also why aren't you asking George W. Bush what he's up to? Last I heard he was rehabilitating his image by painting cats and staring longingly at Michelle Obama.
Well folks, that's all I got. I didn't expect that to get so intense but here we are.
Ah yes, it's that time of year where my wife has gone to sleep for the evening and I'm wide awake watching youtube videos of random ass wrestling matches from across the globe. It's in this spirit that I give you 5 wrestlers who may not be on the radar (and some who may be) who are doing some ridiculous work right now. Also don't ask where Keith Lee is because rumor has it he has signed with the WWE so in the hopes of willing this to happen I have omitted him from this particular list.
5. WALTER
Kicking off the list we have the big Austrian. He's currently the PWG champion and pretty much most of the upper card in the WWE succeeded in PWG. The big man is the epitome of the hard hitting powerhouse.
However he is surprisingly light on his feet, and has gone toe to toe with big guys such as the aforementioned Keith Lee, technical wizards such as Zack Sabre Jr. (One of those matches receiving a five star rating from Dave Meltzer) and high fliers like Ricochet. If he went to NJPW you know he'd be a mega star and I wouldn't be shocked if he ended up there as he was trained by the Stone Pitbull himself Tomohiro Ishii.
4. Hiromu Takahashi
Hiromu is what one would call an interesting fella. That being said whatever "it" is, he has it. And he has it in spades. He has the slightly demented charisma that you just can't take your eyes off the guy of he is in the ring and the fact he has a stuffed cat named Darryl that accompanies him to the ring is just outstanding. Inside the ring, hot diggity damn is he a sight.
He's already had damn near classic bouts with some of the foremost Junior Heavyweights in the world such as Kushida, Will Ospreay, and Ricochet. He uses a mix of both high flying moves from his days in Mexico and some more traditional ground based offense from his days in the New Japan dojo. Definitely catch up on some of the matches by the man known as the ticking time bomb.
3. Stokely Hathaway
While not a classic in ring performer this is going to be one of my first inclusions that is mainly a manager. This guy is amazing. His facial expressions, promos on the mic, just flawless execution on all accounts. I am mainly familiar with his work in Ring of Honor as the manager of Moose and in Evolve as the manager of Timothy Thatcher.
He's a throwback of sorts, a loudmouth little guy who generally has the ear of some of the most dominant wrestlers at his disposal. If the WWE was smart a commitment to managers leading wrestlers should happen and this is the man who could be the top of the mountain.
2. Toni Storm
So if you are a voracious viewer of the WWE network you are probably familiar with Toni Storm. She competed in last year's Mae Young Classic and just from that she become my 2nd favorite competitor in the tournament not named Kairi Sane (sup Bianca Bel Air.)
She has all the charisma in the world and once in the ring, hot damn can she go. And not the moves of the late 90s divas, no , no, no Toni Storm is bringing pile-drivers and strong style baby. Given the fact she is only 22 the sky is the limit for this young lady.
1. Minoru Suzuki
Now in terms of will he ever be signed by the WWE the answer is no. He's 49 years old and works a to be honest almost sadistic style. A legit shoot fighter with 50 MMA bouts under his belt he is the leader of in my opinion the best heel stable in all of pro wrestling Suzuki-gun.
Sidenote: the mentor and mentee vibe he and Zack Sabre Jr is probably one of my favorite things in all of wrestling. Seriously, check out when they tag together and let it warm your heart as they attempt to maim their opponents. He constantly insults the crowds, dismisses his opponents and in my opinion he is the top heel in all of New Japan.
Well there you have it wrestling fans. Take this time you have off to watch a lot of wrestling...or spend time with your family. Whatever. I'm not your boss.
Ah yes here we are and the co-branded pay per views are all over. What does that mean for me? Well it means less previews because both Raw and Smackdown will do these events together. And whew, your boy is quite pleased at this because he was struggling to keep up. With all that being said let's get down to the get down.
Braun Strowman and Bobby Lashley vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn
This is a kind of thrown together match. Owens and Zayn are two of the best in ring performers going. Braun Strowman should probably be Universal champ based solely on flipping an ambulance with his opponent still inside.
As for the 4th person in the match it gets tricky. As a babyface he's just a generic void of charisma. As a heel however, he is this perfect cocky ass clown you want to see get beat but it doesn't happen. If this leads to a Braun-Bobby feud I could be down but I fear this is just gonna be a squashington for my boys from Canada. Winner: Strowman and Lashley Daniel Bryan vs Big Cass
So I am torn here. On one hand I am super pumped to see the American Dragon tearing it up in the ring again and frankly I don't even care what the stakes are of said match.
On the other hand while I'm not so down on Big Cass, I'm not all the way there yet. I do think Daniel Bryan will work a match that makes Cass looks strong but also gives the people what they want becasue...come on, we've been waiting so damn long for his return. A good back and forth battle but in the end the fans get what they want and honestly the way it should as D-Bry gets the win. Winner: Daniel Bryan Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe
I have zero idea what they are doing with Roman Reigns. He probably should have won at Mania but he got nerfed. He probably should have won at the Greatest Royal Rumble instead they went with the dusty finish, so what do we do now?
"Joe's gonna kill you..."
Samoa Joe is now on Smackdown and while he is one of my favorites a loss here doesn't hurt him and conversely a win doesn't help him. In the case of Reigns he has lost every big match it seems for the last year at least. He needs this win if he is ever to be believed as a threat. Winner: Roman Reigns Charlotte Flair vs Carmella (Smackdown Women's Championship)
This one is hard to call. The women's scene in Smackdown has certainly picked up since the last roster swap and NXT call ups. You now have Asuka, Billie Kay and Peyton Royce, Mandy Rose, Sonya Deville, to go along with some of the more established women like Becky Lynch, Naomi and the two ladies involved in this match.
Peyton Royce Hive assemble!
I would say some interference on behalf of Kay and Royce may help Carmella retain. I also have noticed that there seems to be seeds being planted for a women's tag team division? Which yes, please bring it on. And then give said title to the Iconic Duo because Peyton Royce forever. Alexa Bliss VS Nia Jax (Raw Women's Championship)
This women's match however is quite easy to call. After a long slow build with an uncomfortable body shaming angle, Nia Jax finally got her title win at Wrestlemania. Firmly cemented as a top face on Raw she is going to continue as I believe she will get a lengthy dominant run building her up as a formidable champion only to probably drop that title to Ronda Rousey. But that's down the road. As for now let's all enjoy the glory of Nia Jax before Rousey is shoved down our throats. Winner: Nia Jax Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy (US Championship)
I don't know if it's possible to care less for a match than this one. I like Jeff Hardy as much as the next guy but good ol' Orton here is not your boy's cup of tea. I mean a very good wrestler, but compelling he is not. I am to believe that a guy who will seemingly hit an RKO on anyone out of nowhere is to be cheered for? If he was a sadistic heel to Hardy's charismatic enigma then I'm all on board. Honestly I think I'd be more amped to see Shelton Benjamin in this role. The Miz vs Seth Rollins (Intercontinental Championship)
Another match where the ending is kind of not in doubt. The Miz is now on Smackdown and given that Raw has to have a mid card title Rollins is the obvious winner. That being said I still think that this is going to be an amazing match.
Currently operating in a different stratosphere.
These two have a great chemistry and right now Seth Rollins is on another level. I think this is going to tell the story of Rollins being the superior in ring performer but the Miz using his wits to make this a more competitive bout than it should. Hopefully post match we get a pseudo heel turn from Finn Balor and he becomes more like his New Japan gimmick of the Real Rock 'n' Rolla. Shinuske Nakamura vs AJ Styles (WWE Championship)
Now this is a Shinuske Nakamura I have been waiting for. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed face Nak, but evil Shinuske is where it's at. Since Wrestlemania he has been an eccentric weirdo who kinda is sadistic and kind of addicted to punching to AJ Styles in the dick.
Pow! Right in the baby maker!
Now if they can keep Styles from trying to be funny the build up can be as awesome as I know the in ring is going to be. AJ driven by anger and his emotions, and Shinuske now unburdened from being a fan favorite. In the end I think Nakmura wins, but he wins by receiving a low blow from Styles and sets up a match at Summerslam. Winner: Nakamura (By DQ)
Well there you have it, will any of these come true? Probably not. But hey again you come here for the free content and not the accuracy of said free content. Later people as we mosy down the path to NXT Takeover Chicago I think.
