A Very Special Public Service Announcement

Hi, I'm the Chocolate Puma and I am here with a very important public service announcement. You may remember me from such moments as telling people I disagree with on a cellular level to simultaneously sit your ass down while also informing them of their right to shut the fuck when grown folks is talking.

I'm here today to help out some people who may be curious how to avoid getting the soul slapped out of them by their black friends, family, and or coworkers. I'll give you 3 simple tips to ensure your soul stays intact.

Tip 3: Don't use black on black crime as a defense for well anything. 
Boy it should go without saying that the myth of the scourge of the black community being the most pressing issue affecting us has had more staying power than mediocre comedic actors careers (looking at you Tim Allen). Now while it is true that most crimes committed against black people is done by other black people, the same is also true of white people. In fact it's true across all racial and ethnic lines.

"So you can swag surf on the White House lawn but what about black on black crime?!"

You know why? People hurt those who are closest to them. Crime is intraracial. That being the case, I've never heard someone speak on the scourge of white on white crime. You know why? Because they don't care about black on black crime, they care about stopping you from talking about some black shit. So please...retire this tired reasoning.

Tip 2: Don't defend white people who say nigga, nigger, etc...
It's a tale as old as time, white person gets their inner Tarantino on and drops a n-bomb and the next thing you know you have tons of white people throwing their capes on and coming to the rescue. They assure us, the members of the black delegation that this person couldn't possibly be racist. Frankly, I don't care, although for that to be the go to word you use when angry says ALOT. I've seen the "I don't think anyone should be able to say it" argument quite a bit and to that I say:

Since I have to go through life getting it hurled at me be it at work from an angry customer or anonymous troll who didn't like a Game of Thrones tweet, I'd say if I wanted to use it I earned the right. Also given the social contract if the only thing you have to do not be a complete shit bag is not drop a n word when you get angry, I say you got off pretty easy.

Finally and most importantly...

Tip 1: Don't let your president get your ass kicked.
Since November asshats across the country have been emboldened thanks to the election of Orange Julius Caesar (shout out to Larry Wilmore). You're seeing more out and out racist behavior from city officials, fire men, and a host of others. Now what has ol' Trumpito done that's racist? Well confirmed accounts include, a housing discrimination suit brought forward by the Department of Justice, he lobbied to have the Central Park Five executed and even after being exonerated will not back down on his incorrect claims, not to mention many unverified accounts. So if you're feeling empowered to say something froggy, before the inclination to jump hits you remember that while some people are peaceful in the face of asshattery of this nature, some will offer you a 2 piece with a biscuit for the low, low cost of free-ninety nine.

The 2 piece aka the Chris Childs special. 

So if you follow these helpful pointers I can assure that you won't get a chakra re-aligning slap from the black person in your life.