Ah September, it has been quite a month. There has been no shortage of people worthy of this award and it even for the first time forced me to do a special edition of this award. Shout out you ol' Shitlock. But we must return to a sense of normalcy, after all that is what you, my tens of readers expect from ya boy. So it is without further ado that I present to you the recipient of the Sit Your Ass Down Award: Classic Edition!
This is a man who frankly probably should have been honored with this a ling time ago but better late than never I say. So Piers Morgan bring your Shepherd's Pie eating ass up here so you can sit your ass down!
You see a few weeks ago a video of sorority girls singing Kanye West's 'Gold Digger' (which still slaps HARD in case anyone was curious) and they repeatedly and rather enthusiastically seemed to revel in the line "She ain't messing with no broke nigga." And to those who took umbrage to these young white girls happily yelling nigga Piers has this to say: "How can it possibly be racist to sing along to a song that was No1 in America for TEN WEEKS?" Well there you have it gang. Had it only topped the 8 weeks, then you may have a point, 10 WEEKS?! Get over it snowflakes.
Of course that's absolute ridiculous reasoning. He even has the Welsh meatballs to basically blame hip hop artists for when white people say nigga. If that's the case I really am curious who was that fire chief from Pittsburgh listening to when he called Mike Tomlin a no good nigger. You see what this ass clown who has the same body composition as figgy pudding and people of his ilk are doing is acting like these white sorority girls and so many like them are just innocent kids. Fuck that noise. The bar is set pretty low people. If you're white you can't say nigga. That's it. Shit they're even letting white women become black women, you are literally allowed to do everything else. Just leave the n-word out of it.
To lay the usage of the word by people who aren't members of the black delegation at the feet of rappers is just ridiculous. Because something tells me Bull Connor was not listening to some fire mixtapes.
"I swear this Joey Badass negro is quite the rapper."
So in the words of the fine brothers over at Very Smart Brothas (Check them out, always a good read) "Piers Morgan Is Allowed to Say ‘Nigga’ if We’re Allowed to Smack the Pumpkin Spice out of Him When He Does."
So Piers, grab a steak and kidney pie and wash it down with a tall glass of shut the hell up when the urge to do something this stupid hits you. And please do us all a favor and sit your ass down.
Hi, I'm the Chocolate Puma and I am here with a very important public service announcement. You may remember me from such moments as telling people I disagree with on a cellular level to simultaneously sit your ass down while also informing them of their right to shut the fuck when grown folks is talking.
I'm here today to help out some people who may be curious how to avoid getting the soul slapped out of them by their black friends, family, and or coworkers. I'll give you 3 simple tips to ensure your soul stays intact.
Tip 3: Don't use black on black crime as a defense for well anything.
Boy it should go without saying that the myth of the scourge of the black community being the most pressing issue affecting us has had more staying power than mediocre comedic actors careers (looking at you Tim Allen). Now while it is true that most crimes committed against black people is done by other black people, the same is also true of white people. In fact it's true across all racial and ethnic lines.
"So you can swag surf on the White House lawn but what about black on black crime?!"
You know why? People hurt those who are closest to them. Crime is intraracial. That being the case, I've never heard someone speak on the scourge of white on white crime. You know why? Because they don't care about black on black crime, they care about stopping you from talking about some black shit. So please...retire this tired reasoning. Tip 2: Don't defend white people who say nigga, nigger, etc...
It's a tale as old as time, white person gets their inner Tarantino on and drops a n-bomb and the next thing you know you have tons of white people throwing their capes on and coming to the rescue. They assure us, the members of the black delegation that this person couldn't possibly be racist. Frankly, I don't care, although for that to be the go to word you use when angry says ALOT. I've seen the "I don't think anyone should be able to say it" argument quite a bit and to that I say:
Since I have to go through life getting it hurled at me be it at work from an angry customer or anonymous troll who didn't like a Game of Thrones tweet, I'd say if I wanted to use it I earned the right. Also given the social contract if the only thing you have to do not be a complete shit bag is not drop a n word when you get angry, I say you got off pretty easy.
Finally and most importantly...
Tip 1: Don't let your president get your ass kicked.
Since November asshats across the country have been emboldened thanks to the election of Orange Julius Caesar (shout out to Larry Wilmore). You're seeing more out and out racist behavior from city officials, fire men, and a host of others. Now what has ol' Trumpito done that's racist? Well confirmed accounts include, a housing discrimination suit brought forward by the Department of Justice, he lobbied to have the Central Park Five executed and even after being exonerated will not back down on his incorrect claims, not to mention many unverified accounts. So if you're feeling empowered to say something froggy, before the inclination to jump hits you remember that while some people are peaceful in the face of asshattery of this nature, some will offer you a 2 piece with a biscuit for the low, low cost of free-ninety nine.
The 2 piece aka the Chris Childs special.
So if you follow these helpful pointers I can assure that you won't get a chakra re-aligning slap from the black person in your life.
Keeping with what I have been attempting to do with each pay per view this year I shall give my predictions on what I think will be going down at the next show. But before I do, I'd like to express a few thoughts on Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
The announcer, wrestler, manager, and well anything else you can think of in the wrestling world passed away this after a hell of a battle with cancer. Some of my earliest childhood memories of wrestling are of him as a manager, and most in my mind his friendship and partnership with Gorilla Monsoon. Their banter back and forth while also calling matches were not only entertaining, but also gave the proper gravitas to whatever match was being called. A consummate pro, and entertaining to the end. The Brain aka The Weasel will definitely be missed.
Now on to the show! Jason Jordan VS The Miz (Intercontinental Championship)
Since coming over as the kayfabe son of Kurt Angle, Jason Jordan has just kinda been there. Impressive in the ring sure, but nothing that draws you to him. So what does creative do? They stick him with the Miz and let Miz do what he does best and that's talk. He has given us more to root for this guy with just a few promos than 2 previous months of squash matches. I see this as just the beginning of a possible good feud, I expect the Miz to win with some shifty interference from the Miztourage. Winner: The Miz Sasha Banks VS Emma VS Bayley VS Nia Jax VS Alexa Bliss (Raw Women's Championship)
Ah yes the disjointed women's division. This...is a mess. And this is not the fault of the women at all.I just don't know what story they are trying to tell. Why have Sasha win bringing up past failed defenses only to have her fail to defend it? Why just throw Baley in because she showed up? Why have Emma go on conspiracy rantings about starting the Women's Revolution?
Guess who is getting squashed by Asuka next month?
Are they ever gonna address Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss? Also with Asuka coming to Raw what does that do? So I'm just gonna guess that say...Emma wins. Winner: Emma
Enzo Amore VS Neville (Crusierweight Championship)
Since returning from injury and turning heel at the start of the year Neville has been amazing. The King of the Cruiserweights has dispatched every foe who has stepped up and challenged him. Enzo was kind of man with no home after Big Cass went down with an injury so he seems kinda shoehorned into the Cruiserweight division. That being said he is a bigger name than well all of the cruiserweights and has gotten smurfed by Neville on numerous occasions already so I expect a very over confident Neville to get rolled up and Enzo to walk out with the title.
Yeah...
Winner: Enzo Amore
Finn Balor VS Bray Wyatt
So the Demon Finn beat Bray at the last pay per view, and given that creative apparently has nothing for either of these guys let's just say Bray wins and they have a rubber match at the next pay per view.
My reaction to this match.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins VS Cesaro and Sheamus (Raw Tag Team Championship)
This match is possibly going to be the most entertaining on the entire card. Cesaro is probably the most gifted athlete in this match thus his nickname the Swiss Cyborg. Sheamus is a brawler who can puts on highly entertaining matches, while Rollins aka Crossfit Jesus shines with anyone. Hell this feud has even lit a fire into Dean Ambrose who seemingly was just going through the motions. That said I think Rollins and Ambrose retain here and maybe, just maybe some certain Top Guys are healthy enough to begin a feud with them.
Winner: Ambrose and Rollins
John Cena VS Roman Reigns
Ah yes, Big Match John versus the Big Dog. I honestly expect this to be a very good match. When Cena isn't making dick jokes and wanking motions in his promos is one of the best in the world (see his US Open challenge matches). And while it can be argued he has buried people in the past, in recent memory he has done a pretty good job of putting people over such as Kevin Owens, AJ Styles, Sami Zayn, Jason Jordan just to name a few. If I were booking this, Cena wins, Roman begins to doubt himself and you have someone that fans can relate to and would want to cheer. Instead Roman will win, act like nothing happened and be shoved down our throats as the conquering hero.
"Something, something yard...something, something Big Dog."
Winner: Roman Reigns
Braun Strowman VS Brock Lesnar (Raw Universal Championship)
In the words of the great Jim Ross, this match is going to be a slobberknocker. Given the negative tag of "part-timer" you have to admit that Brock Lesnar has looked like a million bucks in his last few defenses and made his opponents look legit as bad asses. He did it for Samoa Joe, he did for everyone in the fatal four way, and I think that streak continues Sunday. Braun has been built as a monster but this dude...can...GO. He's faster than someone that size should be with the ability to do drop kicks and kip ups as if he was half the size. Honestly I don't mind who wins, but for the sake of having a champ on tv every week I am going to say Braun gets his first run with the title. Also he gave us this moment which I'll forever be grateful for.
Winner: Braun Strowman
Well there you have it, another pay per view another round of increasingly inaccurate predictions! Join me when I incorrectly pick the matches of Hell in a Cell in a few weeks!
I have been meaning to write about this topic for quite a while. A few friends of mine wrote about their experiences earlier this year, shout out to John and Andy for setting the bar high. I have sat down many times and deleted all I wrote because I just couldn't get a cohesive point across and felt like a rambling mess. But here we are, at a place where I feel like the haze of being gifted with this precious gift combined with sleep deprivation and balancing work has begun to lift and the feelings of being a father are becoming much more clear.
I'm not what one would call a classically emotional person, I am much more likely to cry watching a fiery wrestling promo or a Sunday segment on ESPN than I am at say a wedding or a funeral. So when my son was born and there were no tears I wasn't shocked, what did shock me was it felt like I wasn't crying because there was a complete sensory overload.
Emotions flooding my body yet unable to get through.
So many emotions flooding in at once, as I gazed at this little guy who I had wondered how he would look for months finally in front of me. My body literally did not know how to react.
Now I have written many times of growing up without a father. So my fears before the arrival of the Cub were much more based on what the hell do I know to teach this guy?
So uh...you like stuff?
I would sit with him in his room, rocking slowly, nervously thinking of what to tell him even though I knew he had absolutely no idea what I was saying, there was this nervousness that it had to be as perfect as he was.
Raise em right.
One day I was sitting with him and began to read him a comic book, and just kinda got lost in it. I was finally relaxed with him and I looked down and he was just smiling at me. People say at the four to six month range babies get fun because their personality begins to shine through but for me, it was on day four and we haven't looked back since.
Everyday when I wake up (not counting the 4 am feeding) my only goal is to make his life better. Now while I didn't grow up with my father I was lucky enough to have some role models. Men from my church in good ol' Enterprise, Mississippi, my uncle, and a friend of mine who was kind enough to share his dad with me (shout out to you Jerry, miss you and that laugh that only comes when I have fallen off a bike head first after I did what you told me not to do.) The lessons and stories I have from all of these great men have provided a greater template than I could have ever imagined.
So armed with these lessons, and a few personal joys and passions of mine I try and share with him every day and while he has yet to show the same interest in documentaries and Japanese wrestling, I have no doubt that someday we'll get there. I hug and kiss my boy and bestow upon him these life lessons and pointless trivia that won't help him ever really, but will bond us forever.
He's my little buddy, the perfect member of our household, and the greatest gift my wife and I have ever been blessed with. The greatest gift I never knew I wanted.
I know this usually comes a little later in the month, and I assure you that you are going to get one at the end of the month. But what came across the timeline just had to be addressed.
This is Jason Whitlock.
Beware of men with no facial hair.
Now this wingding who often rocks fedoras in a feeble attempt to hide the fact his head has identical characteristics and composition as that of a melted milk dud is a talking head over at Fox Sports One. In addition to that he has been Colin Kaepernick hater number one. In fact it's all he talks about. And on Labor Day he thought it would be down right HILARIOUS to send out this image from his lightly watched TV show.
So no one thought this would end poorly?
Sigh.
You see Jason Whitlock is what happens when someone so badly wants to be recognized as a legitimate intellectual that they are willing to spout anything for a pat on the head and an "atta boy." You can tell that by his I guess you can call it feuds with people who are actually respected like Bomani Jones and Ta Nehisi Coates. (Although not sure it can be regarded as a feud if neither of the other party even acknowledges your existence.) Side note: Bomani Jones earned my forever respect for the class he showed when out of nowhere he drew the ire of Ol' Shitlock.
i need you to understand *no one* has done more for my career than whitlock. man's been good to me. this is my chance to return the favor.
Seriously look at the people co-signing this jester for mediocrity ridiculous ass claims such as the "left" sent Kaepernick to ruin football because it was making too many young black men rich and famous. This is a thing that he believes.
He has positioned himself as the guy who when someone says something fucked up racially and they say they have a black friend, he's that black friend. Someone so desperate to be seen as important that he has seemingly mortgaged his soul to create this anti-black brand and finally be looked at as someone worthy of respect.
This bulging wart on the ass of American broadcast journalism, has spent the last year running down anyone who speaks on topics remotely racial. When LeBron James had "nigger" spray painted on his house, Whitlock said it had nothing to do with race because LeBron is rich. The literal example of something being racist and he can't take his gravy filled jowels out the ass of white supremacy long enough to admit it.
And by having this caricature of Kaepernick on his show, a man who took a stand by taking a knee he showed just what he is about. Here is a man who has donated time, money, and spearheaded efforts to actually help the community and in the process is having his career sabotaged while Whitlock has spent his time on twitter proclaiming Kap isn't black enough and over using phrases such as "okey-doke" and "mainstream media."
So from everyone of us who have yet to achieve to ascend to his post-racial level, I politely ask you to in the wise words of the sage Black Dynamite:
So it's that time of year when one of my favorite wrestling magazines releases its top 500 wrestlers. And as I am wont to do, it got me to thinking about who my top performers were for the past year. Now I'm not gonna give you a top 500 because as I type this I currently have the Chocolate Cub napping on my chest and frankly I'm not sure I could come up with 500 wrestlers if I tried. So you'll get ten and you'll like it. This free content baby!
10. Seth Rollins (WWE)
This entrance alone gets him a top 10 spot.
The architect of the Shield gets us started on this journey. Over the past year he has been probably the most steady force on the show. Anytime someone needs a good match throw Seth in there. He has been on a bit of a redemptive story line as he has seemingly made amends with Dean Ambrose over the dissolution of the Shield and and they are the current Tag Team Champions.
Best Moment:
Beating Triple H with his own move at Wrestlemania.
9. The Miz (WWE)
2017 is really weird. Had you told me a few years that I would automatically be into whatever the Miz was saying I would have called you a liar but here we are. Never the most exciting guy in the ring but where he has made himself one of the best in the world has been on the microphone. Singlehandedly saving feuds with Dean Ambrose and John Cena just to name a few. If the A-Lister were to get another run with the top title, I don't think you'd hear a single objection from me.
Best Moment:
Bringing that hot fire on Talking Smack to Daniel Bryan.
8. Adam Cole (ROH/NXT)
Of all the legends who have gone through Ring of Honor such as AJ Styles, CM Punk, Samoa Joe etc., who can make the claim to being the only three time champion in the promotion's history? That's right. Adam Cole bay-bay! At only 28 years old he already has over a decade of experience and last year was a banner year for him. He joined the Bullet Club, had a great feud with Jay Lethal, and even as he left, he put over "the Villain" Marty Scurrll. Recently signed to NXT I'd expect him to be even higher on this list next year.
Best Moment:
Taking the spotlight at NXT Takeover Brooklyn.
7. Roman Reigns (WWE)
Let's just go ahead and get this out the way, Roman Reigns the character is a dick. That constant smirk, questionable motivating tactics and feeling he's being shoved down the fans throats. That said in the ring, this guy is damn dynamite. His matched with Braun Strowman this year were ri-goddamn-diculous. He even got pushed over in a damn ambulance. So as much as I hate to do so, props must be given. And even with the overuse of the Spear by wrestlers today, no one does it better than Roman.
Best moment:
BAH GAWD HE KILLED HIM!
6. Samoa Joe (NXT/WWE)
Now on to one of my favorite wrestlers on the planet right now. For years he was underappreciated and languished in TNA after a hot run with Kurt Angle on his arrival. After leaving TNA and recharging his battery in Ring of Honor he came into NXT and the rest is history. When his Godzilla inspired theme music hits someone is in for a long night. Feuds with Nakamura, Finn Balor and Brock Lesnar have been just magnificent.
Best Moment:
Calmly terrorizing Paul Heyman
5. Kevin Owens (WWE)
What a year for this guy. Since coming to the WWE he has won the Universal title, won the Intercontinental title, won the United States title and has put on show stealing matches night after night against the likes of Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and of course his best friend and best enemy Sami Zayn. Currently looks like he is going into a program with Shane McMahon but give this guy a mic and get out his way. He will definitely make it worth a viewing.
Best Moment:
Breaking our hearts at the Festival of Friendship
4. Shinsuke Nakamura (NXT/WWE)
When it was anounced that the King of Strong style was leaving Japan for WWE I knew it was only a matter of time before he ended up here. A proficient striker and submission specialist but also a Michael Jackson cos player almost, he draws the attention of the crowd as soon as the strings begin on his theme. Since coming here he had great matches with Sami Zayn, Samoa Joe and Bobby Roode. Currently he's chasing the title on Smackdown and I expect the era of Strong Style to be upon us sooner rather than later.
Best Moment:
Debut match against Sami Zayn
3. Kazuichka Okada (NJPW)
Now any of my top three could have been number one but I'm putting the Rainmaker at 3. Consistently this guy has put on classic after classic. From his wars with Tetsuya Naito to his ongoing saga with Kenny Omega this guy in your main event is a license to print money. And while he currently has zero interest in making a trip to the WWE one can only dream of some of the matches he would put on. For now I have no problem watching him tear it down with Omega, Minoru Suzuki and Naito.
Best Moment:
His trilogy of matches with Kenny Omega
2. AJ Styles (WWE)
Similar to Samoa Joe, AJ Styles was just treading water it appeared with TNA. After getting his release he made his way to New Japan and joined the Bullet Club...AND IMMEDIATELY BECAME THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD. Battles with Okada, Hiroki Goto, and Hiroshi Tanahashi made him the most talked about name in wrestling. When he came to the WWE he had some good matches but it didn't look like he belonged...that is until he took on John Cena. He brought out his heel persona and was putting on show stealing matches night in and night out. Hell even had a match with James Ellsworth and made it compelling.
Best Moment:
Headlining Royal Rumble against John Cena
And the man who in my opinion has been the top wrestler in the world...
1. Kenny Omega (NJPW)
Now on to the an who is hands down my favorite wrestler in the world. From being more of a comedy act and wrestling girls to the leader of the dastardly Bullet Club he has had quite the transformation. And he took it to the next level in the last year. He became the first Gaijin to win the prestigious G1 Climax tourney in a classic bout with Hiroki Goto, won the first US Title in a classic bout with Ishii, and of course his creme de la creme trio of matches with Okada where in the third bout he finally was able to slay his top foe.
Best Moment:
Finally defeating Okada in the G1 Tourney.
Well folks there you have it, the first annual Puma Wrestling Index Top Ten, this will probably become a yearly thing but if it doesn't we had a good run.
