Marriage Equality= More Wedding Cake For Everyone!

This is not going to be some long drawn out condemnation of those who disagree with me. This is just my humble opinion because I have read some things over the past few days that really made my heart hurt reading them. And the idea that something like this is still being discussed in 2013 while encouraging that we are going in the right direction, but also it’s sad as well that it has taken this long. I think what confuses me the most are the people who are up in arms over gay marriage are the same ones whowant the government out of their daily lives, except for when they disagree with something. Then constitutional bans are needed.

What I hate the most is what message is this sending to the youth. That it’s ok to exclude people just because they are different from you. I have friends and family members, smart, kind, and frankly better people than I who are gay. Are you telling me that just because I am attracted to someone of the opposite sex that I am somehow more worthy of marriage than they are? Nah. I don’t buy it.

So I guess the point is I support gay marriage. And even if you disagree with it, hopefully you won’t deny the happiness of two people that have nothing to do with your daily life.

Now everyone, enjoy this gif!

The Marshall Henderson Paradox

With the NCAA tourney the country is exposed to all sorts of characters and human interest pieces. Throughout all these I have noticed and I know I’m not the only one who has noticed this but there seems to be quite the let’s call it vexing portrayal of the polarizing guard from Ole Miss, one Marshall Henderson. Now allow me to say this, I find the kid entertaining, and this is by no means a condemnation of him, this is a condemnation of the narrative that most people choose to believe or the media chooses to report.

My problem with the Marshall Henderson paradox we’ll call it, is who we vilify. In 2010, a very talented player came along. Kid had no legal problems and really the only thing people could say was it looked like he had a bad attitude.

What a thug.

He was Demarcus Cousins.

In 2012, a very talented guard who was arrested in high school for trying to buy $800 worth of drugs with counterfeit money, he failed a subsequent drug test, failed to do community service and did jail time.

He is Marshall Henderson.

Now guess who is described as a problem child and who is described as playing with a reckless abandon and passion. And this isn’t anything new. The media and fans pick players that they love all the time and choose to ignore what the facts are. Typically the guy who gets the benefit of the doubt is of Caucasian descent. Or at least the skin tone is on the lighter side. Hell look at how Allen Iverson was forever labeled a thug because he got in a fight in high school. Wouldn’t the thug behavior be flipping off the crowd and trying to buy $800 worth of weed with fake cash?

It’s not just basketball. Look in the NFL. Tim Tebow is being put on every squad by armchair general managers and the kid couldn’t complete a pass regularly. Vince Young has had to apologize to every person he ever met in the NFL and have a pro day at the University of Texas just in the hopes of getting a shot at a backup quarterback spot. The perception of players is not based on their performance on the field. And there is where the problem lies.

This is all however just a part of a bigger picture that unfortunately won’t change anytime soon I fear. If you’re a white athlete who by all accounts is a decent person you’re everything that someone should want to be (See: Warner, Kurt; Manning, Peyton/Eli, etc) and if you’re a black athlete who is a decent person (See: Dawkins, Brian; Duncan, Tim etc) you’re boring or more insulting you're not really "black."

What a cornball!

Now on the other side of the coin, the white athlete that is a knucklehead is having fun (Patrick Kane) or he made a poor choice reflecting only on him (Ben Rothliesberger).

He's just having a blast and not publicly intoxicated!

The black athlete who has fun has his home life dissected and told he’ll never be a winner due to the lack of a father figure (John Wall) or if arrested it’s not a poor or reprehensible choice made by an individual, it’s something that basically was going to happen because all young black guys are criminals right?

The issue is bigger than Marshall Henderson, Johnny Manziel, or any other player out there right now. Those kids are allowed to be themselves. I can’t knock them. But I can knock the lazy people who cover them and expect other people to shoulder the burden of an entire race without learning the people they're covering.

Thanks for the memories Spice!

Day One of the 2013 NCAA Tourney: A Puma's Tale

The NCAA tournament is upon us. So if you don’t want to hear about brackets, matchups, and his my strategy will work this year I invite you to hit the little “x” in the right hand corner. After much though and far more hours of research than was probably needed I settled on my picks. Below is the tale of a man anxiously watching gametracker, twitter and google alerts for scoring updates until I got home.



11:15- Holy crap it’s tip-off! I wonder if I should change the Harvard-New Mexico game…nah. What are the odds of an upset?

11:16- Should I change it though? Amaker is a good coach.

11:17- Nah, Harvard will destroy them.

11:30- Michigan St. is looking good. Real good, glad they’re in my final four.

11:51- This Butler game is closer than I’d like. I have those scrappy fuckers going deep.

11:55- What the shit Butler?!?!?!

11:56- ?!?!?!?!?!

11:59- Ok, I’ve calmed down. It’s tied and all will be ok.

12:45- No one can hit anything in this Pittsburgh-Wichita St. game, if both teams could lose I’d choose that option.

1:10- Alright St. Louis, you’re a trendy pick…don’t screw me over.

1.32- Well, touché St. Louis you look really good.

1:33- WHY DIDN’T I HAVE THEM GOING FURTHER?!?!?!

1:55- This Memphis-St. Mary’s game is too close for comfort…

1:58- 8 point run by Memphis, much better.

3:00- Memphis…if you fuck this up for me…

3:01- Whew. St. Mary’s played their ass of in the second half.

3:15- Just looking in on this Marquette-Davidson game and what the shit?!?!

3:16- Seriously Marquette!

3:50- Whoa Gonzaga, remember this is Southern now.

3:59- SERIOUSLY GONZAGA. THEY ARE A 16!!!!!

4:02- Looking like a genius right now with this Oregon over Oklahoma State pick though.

6:00- Just got this update….I really regret not having Louisville go further.

6:01- Marquette won? Thank you Vander Blue.

6:05- Holy shit…I’m perfect so far. Could this be the year? Could I win a million dollars for having a perfect bracket?!?!?!

.7:30- Well it would appear UNLV is not down with me and my perfect bracket.

8:40- Well UNLV, you seriously gonna do this to me?!?!

8:45- Come on Missouri!

9:00- Well screw you UNLV.

9:05- I can’t do this anymore. I need to go to sleep. Colorado St. will falter.

6:15 am- WHAT?!?! God damn it Missouri.

Well folks, here is a recap of the first day of the NCAA tourney. After my first 16 picks, I have correctly chosen 13 out of 16. Will my luck continue? Probably not, but a chocolate man can dream.

Daliances in Disrespect presented by the Puma

With the recent evisceration on Brandon Knight by DeAndre Jordan many people have been calling it the most disrespectful display of dominance in the history of sports. Well slow down baby birds that is why old Uncle Puma is here to set you straight. After much soul searching and many hours of the Youtube I have compiled the top 5 all time sports disrespectful moments, for argument’s sake I am going to include things ten years and older. Enjoy.

5. Brian Bosworth is introduced to Bo Jackson.

Brian Bosworth was the savior to the linebacker position. A hard hitting beast that was unable to be stopped from unleashing his particular brand of pain and destruction amongst unprepared offensive players…or so the media would have you believe. On a goal line play he goes one on one with Bo Jackson and the result was such an epic example of ownage that Bosworth was exposed as overrated and eventually spent his time starring in horrible action movies.
4. Pete Rose being Pete Rose aka a massive dick.

If it's any consolation, you'll make the Hall of Fame before me.

At the 1970 All-Star game, a meaningless game mind you, Pete Rose rounded third and with the intensity of a lion pouncing on its prey and destroyed Fosse at the plate separating his shoulder and effectively altering his career forever.

3. Shawn Kemp brings shame to Alton Lister’s family.

Shawn Kemp was Blake Griffin before Blake Griffin. People forget how legit a player he was. And for my money he may be the most powerful in game dunker of all time. Attacking the rim with a fury unmatched by players of this generation, only this time 7’0 Alton Lister dare challenge him. What transpired after that was one of the great dunk shamings of all time.

2. Vince Carter meet Fredric Weis

Wrap your brain around this one, Vince Carter leaped and cleared a 7’2 center. Cleared him. Holy crap.

1. Scottie Pippen reminds Patrick Ewing who is boss.

First off what makes this dunk the best disrespectful domination of all time is one, the heated rivalry between the two teams. Second, the early 90’s Knicks were as tough as they come, no layups were allowed or you were promptly put on your ass. Not only did Pip dare venture into the lane, he eviscerated the leader of hooligans and for that the 10 year old Puma was forever grateful.

(Sidenote: In looking up all these dunks the Puma noticed that Patrick Ewing got dunked on…a lot. If not for Shawn Bradley he may have been the most dunked on person in the 90s.)

Well folks I’m gonna leave you with the dunk that caused this entire rant…WITH COMMENTARY BY WWE HALL OF FAME ANNOUNCER JIM ROSS!!!!

5 Years of Outstanding Achievments in the Field of Excellence

What a day here for the Chocolate Puma and subsequently in the lives of everyone who reads this blog or those who are consistently pestered by me to read it. On this day five years ago out of sheer boredom and the need to spread my special brand of hating I began the Chocolate Puma’s Lair. One angry post at a hypocritical Natalie Cole later a tradition of ranting uncontrollably was born. I have hit on topics from sports to music to politics to even shamelessly proclaiming my love for certain products in the slight chance an employee of one those places decided to give me free products (holla at me Movado, anything from the Automatic collection would be great)

For instance, this Movado Red Label.

I suppose there are a few people I should thank although there is nowhere near enough room to properly thank everyone who influenced and helped me out with this blog. First of all my mom, for giving birth to me, and my sisters for being the source of many embarrassing photos and stories. In the same vein I also must thank my delightfully wacky nieces and dastardly handsome nephew.

Me teaching my nephew a lesson in humility

They are all the best parts of my sisters and I am proud of them all. I should probably thank the person responsible for the nickname “The Chocolate Puma.” During my time going to bars regularly I was meeting up with friends from high school and as I was the last one to arrive Kevin “Don’t call me Ernest Bernard” McInerney grabbed me and said “look at you slinking across the dance floor…like a…chocolate puma.” Thus the legend was born.

I have loved every moment of this blog too, and while I don’t really track how many people actually come through here; those who do are immensely appreciated. There have been many highs during this run, but there have also been a few lows. And through those lows writing on this blog has been downright therapeutic at times. So for followers of the Puma know that there are hopefully many more years ahead of me and as long as I am able to, The Chocolate Puma’s Lair will be here, giving you the unsolicited opinion of a man who is indeed a legend in his own mind.

Thank you.

A Tradition Unlike Any Other. The Puma Hating.

I am what many people call a man of many tastes, a connoisseur of many different ways of thinking, but most notably I am what people would call a hater. Yes, the Chocolate Puma loves to hate on many things that brings much joy to the masses. Does this make me better than a lot of people? No. I mean I am better but for scores of other reasons. So if you were wondering what I am hating on now well you’re in luck because in convenient list form here they are!

· Lil’ Wayne: So last year he was upset because he couldn’t get into an NBA Finals game at Oklahoma City, claiming the Thunder were racist. He conveniently left out that he didn’t have a ticket. He was also upset that he couldn’t go to the locker room and speak to the Miami Heat. Now he is mad at his “beloved” Miami Heat because he was “kicked out” of a game and by kicked out I mean he left of his own free will after getting into an argument and making a gun gesture. So now it’s fuck the NBA and he claims he banged Chris Bosh’s wife. Here is someone who clearly needs a timeout because guess what buddy as a favor to you I am gonna let you in on a little secret…you’re a fan, after buying a ticket the only thing you’re entitled to is a game. Shut the fuck up and keep bandwagon hopping.

Again, anyone seen in this has lost the right to complain.

· Guy Fieri: He’s everything that’s wrong with life.

 · The Harlem Shake: Not the dance that was brought to the masses by Diddy and other rappers of the late 90s. No some spastic humping done by frat boys in speedos. If that’s your steez fine, but call it something else. Haven’t the people of Harlem been through enough already?

This is the Harlem Shake.


This is a hot ass mess.

· The current gun control debate: Now I am not talking about the idea of a debate on gun control, no I am talking about what is actually happening. One side yelling “ban it all” and the other side going “you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.” Never once thinking hey, maybe if we sit down and talk it out instead of calling everyone who disagrees with me a barbaraian, pussy etc. then maybe something worthwhile can be done.

· Taylor Swift: See above, Fieri, Guy.

Forever alone.

· Dwight Howard: I get being injured and not able to play, but come on dawg. One minute you’re barely able to lift your arm the next minute you wanna play in the All-Star game? A meaningless exhibition? And not only did he play; he showed more effort than he does for the Lakers. Orlando may have dodged a bullet here.

· Lisa Lampanelli: I have always found her to be a bit much for my taste. What with all the gay slurs and talks of banging black guys. But this last week she sent a picture of her and Lena Dunham out with the caption: “Me with my nigga Lena Dunham.” And she doesn’t even get why it’s wrong. Her explanation: “The N-word ending in ‘er’ is far different context from the word ending in ‘a.’ Ask any person who knows the urban dictionary, it means ‘friend,’” she said. “And by the way, if I had put the word ending in ‘er,’ that would have been a very derogatory thing about Lena meaning she is less than me, and I view her as very above me. ‘A’ on the end means ‘my friend.’”

"It's ok! I banged some black dudes!"

Well thanks for clearing that up. I thought you were some confused white person who because you’ve had the very urban experience of sleeping with a lot of black guy was under the impression she could go around dropping n-bombs. Boy would my face had been red if that wasn’t the case. Whew!