The Chocolate Puma Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: College Basketball Edition!

This is one of the most wonderful times of the year for the Puma of Chocolate descent. The NBA is gearing up for its stretch run, I just completed my fantasy baseball draft (FYI I crushed it), the NFL draft is coming and of course the NCAA tournament is about to begin. That glorious moment when I dust off my analyst hat and say things like Damian Lillard is good but he’ll be a bust in the NBA or I get a real good feeling about the Thomas Robinson.

Boy I'm bright.

With all that said I present to you the Chocolate Puma Awards for outstanding achievement in the field of excellence: College Basketball Edition!

Coach of the Year: Greg Marshall, Wichita St. 

"Bitches!"

Miss me with all the talks of their soft schedule, they “shocked” the world (I am so sorry for that pun) with their Final Four run a season ago and have followed it up with a perfect run through this season. Given that larger programs appeared to be a little scared to add them to their non-conference schedule (Looking at you Kansas) I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Freshman of the Year: Jabari Parker, F, Duke

Jabari Parker is so good that he made me overcome my hatred of Duke just to watch him play and he singlehandedly was the reason my beloved Tarheels could not sweep the season series against Duke. The most polished and pro ready player in this highly regarded freshman class there really was no other choice for me. No disrespect to Wiggins, Randle, Gordon etc.

For No Reason at All: Dean Smith
I have been a fan of the North Carolina Tar Heels for as long as I have been able to obsess over the sport. The man who led the team for an obscene amount of time was the greatest (my opinion) coach not named John Wooden ever and that was Dean Smith. Recently I read an article about his battle with dementia and if you have a few moments and a few tissues handy I would high suggest giving this a read regardless of your collegiate allegiances.

Most Overblown Moment: Marcus Smart’s altercation with a fan

"I'll never have to answer for my actions!"

If you expect me to tell a young man that he has to accept verbal abuse from a grown man old enough to be his grandfather you came to the wrong person. You expect these guys to be treated like amateurs but they have to respond as if they are professionals? That dog won’t hunt. In the words of Chris Rock: “I’m not saying he should have did it, but I understand.”

Funniest Moment of the year: Jim Boeheim’s Freak Out

Just look at the video and tell me that’s not the funniest thing you have seen all day.

All Chocolate Puma Squad:

PG- Marcus Paige, UNC

G- Sean Kilpatrick, Cincinnati

SG- Russ Smith, Louisville

SF- Jabari Parker, Duke

F- Doug McDermott, Creighton

And now for the most important award of the night, I present to you the Most Valuable Player of the 2013-14 season and the person that will hole the Beyonce trophy for the next year.

Doug McDermott, F, Creighton:

Holy hell what a season by Doug…we really gotta give him a nickname, regardless of what you call him no player was more unstoppable this season that McDermott. The ability to score from the post, hit the three, and that step back fade away is damn near un-guardable. I could see this guy being an American Dirk Nowitzki or worst case scenario an elite sharpshooter like his Creighton brethren Kyle Korver.

There you have it folks. Another season in the books and soon to be another bracket I have to explain with the phrase "what had happened was." You all take it easy.

Unbelievable Blackness (Apparently)

You know I have been around for 30 years on earth and I have done a lot of things I never thought I would. I never thought my dream of playing in the NBA would go unfulfilled. I never thought Tatiana Ali from the Fresh Prince would not be my wife by this point (it’s cool, Kari is better). And today, March 13th, 2014 I am about to do something else I never thought would happen…I am about to defend the movie “Annie.”

) 

Yes, Annie the film about a precocious orphan which is being re imagined starring Oscar nominated actress Quvenzhané Wallis. And guess what people are pissed the hell off about it. Why is that you ask? Well because Annie is supposed to be a little white girl with red hair. Sigh.

Here we go again. And little Ms. Wallis is not the only one who has to deal with this idiocy. Recently “fans” were in an uproar over Michael B. Jordan, the amazing actor being cast as the Human Torch in the latest version of the Fantastic Four. Yes because in the story featuring a man who can become a literal human torch the most illogical part is that it's a black guy in the role. You can play the hell out of roles like Wallace from The Wire, Oscar Grant in  Fruitvale Station or the complicated Vince Howard in Friday Night Lights but if you dare play the Human Torch then we riot!

I notice that this only happens when a black actor takes over a role that is historically played by a white actor. So for your viewing pleasure I have decided to flip the coin a bit.

Angelina Jolie as Marianne Pearl:

Like twins.

Why is this ridiculous? Well no reason other than Pearl was Dutch and Cuban not a white lady from Los Angeles. Where was that outrage?

John Wayne as Genghis Khan: 

Look it's the founding father of Mongolia!

Really?

Liz Taylor as Cleopatra: Yup.

Moving on.

Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez:

Affleck kicked ass in this role but it doesn't change the fact that he clearly is not a Hispanic man. 

Now why are all these roles more egregious than the other examples of Hollywood whitewashing roles? Because these are all based on REAL PEOPLE! Hollywood had no problem casting a white person in the role of a person of color but flip the script and make a FICTIONAL character black then we have madness. MADNESS I SAY!

So in summation, if you are one of the people talking angrily about whether a critically acclaimed actor can play the highly difficult role of a guy becoming a human torch or an Academy Award nominated actress can handle playing Annie please turn around and walk away from me.

Unless you’re Beyonce. Then you can come on home.

Hey boo.

An Interview That Didn't Happen But Let's Pretend It Did

Been a while since I have given you all the things you need, no that you crave and for that I am truly sorry but cut the Puma a damn break, he’s been busy. For one thing, your boy the Puma is now an engaged man. And as a treat for all of my fans and enemies alike I sat down with the aforementioned soon to be Mrs. Chocolate Puma.

Puma: Hi Kari, thanks for sitting down and having a few words with me.

Kari: Anytime, it’s been a dream of mine to be featured here for quite some time.

Puma: Well what can I say I am a dream maker.

Kari: This is true.

Puma: Easy woman, keep it PG.

Kari: Sorry about that, I’m in awe of your handsome face.

Puma: Duly noted.

Kari: I’ll say.

Puma: Easy now…moving on. So tell me what makes Brian Thompson so amazing?

Kari: Well where do I begin? First off, devastatingly handsome. Like I find myself taking breaks during the day just to look at pictures of you.

Puma: I’ll believe that.

Kari: Stunningly intelligent. His wit and intellect are second to none in my opinion.

Puma: I’d be lying if I said I disagreed.

Kari: You humble nature is one of your best attributes.

Puma: Well tell the people, how exactly did we meet?

Kari: I remember the day like it was yesterday. We were at a party and I saw you standing across from me, time stood still as I saw you gracefully dispensing shots of pink champagne. I knew then I must talk to you. 

Puma: Sounds like it was a pretty good call on your part.

Kari: Indeed it was. Now I get to say I am joining households with you. It’s like a dream come true.

Puma: Well I will go ahead and wrap this up, anything you want the readers to know?

Kari: Sure, I am luckier than anyone ever. It’s like a dream come true.

Puma: Why thank you! I’ll let you go back to weeping over some episodes of “Parenthood”



Big thanks to the fiancée for taking the time to sit down and answer a few questions for us. Well folks the Puma is about to sign off. Expect my 100% fool proof version of a NFL Mock draft that couldn't possibly be wrong*.

*Accuracy not guaranteed.*

NBA's Mt. Rushmore

Earlier this week Lebron James apparently broke people’s minds with his declaration that after all was said and done with his career he would be on the Mount Rushmore of the NBA. Frankly I didn't even see where there would be a controversy; this appears to me to be the biggest duh statement of all time. Now while I am of the group who believes it is impossible to compare eras I will bite and give you all my Mount Rushmore of the NBA. Now a few addendums, this is not a list of the most talented players in NBA history, mine is a list of the most influential players who changed the game in my humble opinion.

Presented in no particular order:

Bill Russell, C, Boston Celtics

Boom bitch!

No mention of a basketball Mt. Rushmore can be complete with mentioning the greatest winner in team sports history. In fact one of the most telling statistics about Russell led teams was they played in 10 game 7s and won all 10 of those games. Eleven championships aside Russell is considered to be the greatest defensive player of all time. Unlike today where the blocked shot is seen as a competition to volleyball spike the ball as hard as you can, Russell not only blocked the shot but was so skilled at it he could knock it to an already running point guard and spear head the fast break.

Magic Johnson, PG, Los Angeles Lakers

The only way to describe Magic Johnson is that he was the prototype for a guy like Lebron. Never before had there been a player who was 6’9, could run the point, defend all 5 positions and do it well and score from literally anywhere on the floor. His on the court contributions along with his rivalry with Larry Bird literally saved the NBA. Before the Bird/Magic years of the NBA the championship was shown on a tape delay. That certainly makes one worthy of mention in my Mt. Rushmore.

Larry Bird, SF, Boston Celtics

For all the reasons I mentioned above I could apply here. The thing to remember about Larry Bird was that he was a stone cold assassin. There are two stories that describe Bird perfectly. First during the 1986 3 Point Shooting Contest, Bird in warm ups walks into the locker room and looks around and says "I want all of you to know I am winning this thing. I'm just looking around to see who's gonna finish up second." He won. And of course there is the classic tale of his encounter with Chuck Person who made the mistake of trash talking Bird before a game on Christmas. Bird at the tip let him know he had a Christmas gift for him. While Person was on the bench Bird shot a three-pointer while in front of him. Immediately after shooting, Bird said to Person, "Merry fucking Christmas!" Swish. Legend made.

Michael Jordan, SG, Chicago Bulls

A duh inclusion, as the greatest player of all time he is a must for this Mt. Rushmore. Jordan was the first primarily wing player to completely dominate the game. And while Bird and Magic pulled the game out the proverbial gutter it was Jordan to who helped to take that game to the next level. He was a beast defensively, an above the rim player and a personality that was needed for the game.

Well folks that’s my list of the NBA Mt. Rushmore. Feel free to let me know what yours is, just know you’re not changing mine.

On Kap and Russell Wilson.

Ah yes 2014 is here and unfortunately the bullshit of 2013, 2012, 2011 etc. have already creeped in. What has the Puma of Chocolate persuasion all riled up today? Why that would be the Seattle Seahawk “fans” and sports media perpetuating a lame ass story. Now before my friends from the Pacific Northwest get all angry at me I am not referring to you, I am referring to the idiotic"fans" that have no idea who Shaun Alexander, Steve Largent, or Cortez Kennedy is. Why are these fans the worst? Because they pass around dumb ass pictures like this:

Ugh. Really? Is this the kind of game we wanna play? And what makes it worse is that sports media such as the “worldwide leader” ESPN have pointless talks about whether or not Kaepernick is too cocky.

Based on what? His Instagram feed? I'm sorry I thought that was a personal thing where he posts whatever the hell he wants. Maybe, just maybe he doesn't want his charitable donations flaunted in public.

If you based  your impression of me off my Instagram feed it would leave the impression I was a crazy dog person who spends his time around maniacs on public transportation. How about I don’t know doing something called research. In 10 seconds I found out he works with a camp for children born with heart defects. Wanna know how long it took me to find that out? 20 seconds!

What an asshole!

Now none of this is written in any way to bash Russell Wilson, I find the guy to be quite entertaining and the undisputed king of the pump fake. He’s an exciting kid to watch but the narrative of “Respectable Russell” and “Cocky Colin” is getting old and frankly seems a bit offensive. Kaepernick often is shown in a manner being this spoiled and entitled jerk, while Russell is a salt of the earth angel who in no way to ever be spoken negatively about. If you're going to debate the merits of these two supremely talented athlete use stats and on the field play but the insulting "who's worthy of being respected" story has got to stop.

Rant over.

30 Years of Excellence

This piece is a little late but hey when you’re my age you should get a little leeway. What age is that you may be asking? Since I last angrily pounded on a keyboard your hero, the Puma of Chocolate persuasion hit a robust thirty years old. And over the course of thirty years I have learned a few things. So now in painstaking detail I present to you….the most important thing I learned every year of my existence!

Age 1: Man, I get a pretty good response by chewing on these photo albums…I think I’ll keep doing that.

Age 2: Glue tastes pretty good. Who knew?

Age 3: Chicken nuggets are the height of culinary excellence.

Age 4: I am the baddest man on the planet when it comes to big wheels son.

Age 5: The Smurfs is quite possibly the best TV show of all time.

Age 6: Man that Home Alone kid is the hero we all need.

Age 7: There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to be the guy who replaces Michael Jordan. No doubt.

Age 8: A correction on an earlier realization, pizza rolls are the true height of culinary excellence.

Age 9: My grandmother passed away and I learned that life isn’t fair.

Age 10: Still pretty sure that I am going to be the starting shooting guard for the Bulls.

Age 11: Stripes look amazing on me. Keep it up young man.

Age 12: The era of Cross Colours will never end!

Age 13: Uh people in Chicago are quite different from people in Mississippi.

Age 14: High school couldn't possibly be that awkward.

Nah...Wasn't awkward at all.

Age 15: I am noticing this growth spurt isn't really happening; maybe I should not bank on being on the Bulls in three years.

Age 16: I am pretty sure I know everything ever. No need for advice MOM!

Age 17: FUBU. Now that’s something with some staying power!

Age 18: I had a gun pulled on me twice this year and both times by the police. I better keep my head on a swivel.

Age 19: Tequila is not your friend; I repeat tequila is not your friend.

"Hey...buddy...tequila is not your friend. Ok?

Age 20: Man that “In Da Club” by 50 Cent is never gonna get annoying!

Age 21: A 5 am bar is not your friend…

Age 22: The proper thing to yell at someone when trying to riot a World Series victory is not “What you doing? Riot bitch!”

Age 23: I will not get that addicted to Fantasy Football.

Age 24: That extra shot of Jameson is most definitely not your friend.

Age 25: Contrary to 16 year old Brian I do not know everything. In fact I know very little.

Age 26: For my sanity I will not talk politics or baseball with people I do not know or trust.

Age 27: I grew up in a house full of women yet I know more about molecular engineering than I will ever know about women.

Age 28: I may be addicted to fantasy football…

Age 29: Do not make jokes about Scandal…just don’t.

Age 30: My family and friends are the best. So is anyone who has ever taken the time to read this humble little blog.



Well folks a brief and concise rundown of some of the highlights of thirty years of fun on this journey we call life. Come the new year expect more of my amazing* rants and who knows, perhaps even a few surprises. 

*Opinions may vary.*

Being A Pompous Asshole Doesn't Make You A Good Writer

Some people in the world have a horrible habit of being insufferable assholes. It’s just a way of the world. Sometimes an event will happen that on the surface is not divisive at all. When these events happen you can always count on the assholes to scream the loudest in the hopes that attention will be paid to them. Late last week the son of Adrian Peterson was brutally beaten to death. An unimaginable tragedy that makes you want to just weep and your heart break for Peterson and the child’s mother.

"Professional Asshole"

Enter professional asshole Phil Mushnick. In the immediate aftermath he wrote an insensitive, borderline racist piece of garbage that made it past his editors somehow. 

“Being a great player doesn’t make Peterson a great guy,” he spouts. Bringing up a speeding charge from 2009, claiming it was a sign of trouble since his brother was killed by a reckless driver. He brings up how Peterson was arrested for resisting arrest…despite the obvious fact he had not been arrested. Wrap your brain around that for a second. Those charges were dismissed.

But his biggest qualm came with Peterson’s decision to play. Claiming that “I’d be fighting for breath, my knees weak with grief, demanding to know why, who, how. Then, I suspect, I’d seethe with rage, swearing retribution. I even think I’d take off a day or two from work. Maybe a week.” This appears to be taken directly from Mystic River for one but the bigger point is Mushnick now claims to know the proper methods of grieving for everyone? Some people work to keep their minds off unthinkable sadness. When the Puma’s beloved aunt passed away after a long battle with cancer I knew if I stayed home a pit of unmovable depression would be my next stop. I worked like a mad man to keep my sanity. Not everyone is blood thirsty revenge hounds like you.

But my biggest qualm was how he changed the story to fit his personal narrative of how Peterson is a bad father and a bad person or at least he is no Phil Mushnick. “With his resources, how could Peterson, the NFL’s MVP, have allowed his son to remain in such an environment? Did he not know, or not care? Or not care to know? Or not know to care?” That’s cute Phil, except Peterson did not know about the child until a few months ago, acknowledged the child could be his, and made plans to meet him during the bye week of the current season. What Mushnick has done is make the villain of this heart breaking tale Adrian Peterson and his corrupted moral compass and not the man who actually beat a child to death.

Here's the thing Philly, this is not a normal situation. You can't claim what you would do because no one knows what they'd do in this extraordinary situation. I would hope that given your platform I wouldn't kick a man when he is down. But then again I am not a pompous asshole.*

*Opinions may vary.