The Chocolate Puma's Favorite: Kanye West Edition

With the release of “Yeezus” the Chocolate Puma has been thinking as an unabashed Kanye fan who has loved every album, what is my favorite Kanye song? So I began to sit and ponder. And what I have come up with is my completely original top ten list of all songs from the College Dropout to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Enjoy and let me know your list.

10. Hey Mama: Late Registration

As a man who was raised by a single mother this sentimental piece from the Louis Vuitton Don always struck a chord with me. Honest and surprisingly affectionate, Kanye puts his love for his mother on front street and made a hip hop anthem for the mothers.

Favorite line:
“Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry/ Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy.”

9. Homecoming: Graduation

The original version with John Legend on the hook may be my favorite variation but I won’t nit pick. If you have a connection with a place this song will particularly resonate with you. Done in the same vein as “I Used to Love H.E.R” by Common Kanye humanizes the city and writes a beautiful ode to the city of wind,

Favorite line:
“And when I grew up, she showed me how to go downtown/ And at nighttime my face lit up, so astoundin' /And I told her in my heart is where she always be”

8. Lost in The World: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Sampling Bon Iver’s “Woods” this track is lush and grand in every way from the tribal drums in the background to the very long sample of my favorite Gil Scot Heron piece “Comment No. 1”this song is just a smorgasbord of all thing the Chocolate Puma loves.

Favorite Line:
“You're my devil, you're my angel/You're my heaven, you're my hell/You're my now, you're my forever
You're my freedom, you're my jail/You're my lies, you're my truth/You're my war, you're my truce
You're my questions, you're my proof/You're my stress and you're my masseuse”

7. Last Call: College Dropout

As someone who loves to say I told you so this is an anthem of sorts. Yeezy goes into painstaking detail of his rise from ghost producing to one of the biggest acts in the world.

Favorite Line(s):

“Some say he arrogant. Can y'all blame him?/ It was straight embarrassing how y'all played him”

“I went to the malls and I balled too hard/ 'Oh my god, is that a Black Card?'/I turned around and replied, why yes but I prefer the term African American Express”

6. Runaway: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

West waxes poetic about failed relationships and his part in causing the break up. He also seemingly comes to term with being as the President referred to him, as a jackass. The repetitive piano riff is a nice touch and a great verse from Pusha T puts it over the top for me.

Favorite Line:
“Let's have a toast for the douchebags/Let's have a toast for the assholes,/ Let's have a toast for the scumbags, / Every one of them that I know /Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs /That'll never take work off/ Baby, I got a plan/ Run away fast as you can”

5. Heartless: 808s and Heartbreak

808s gets a lot of grief because it was a departure from his signature style, I however loved it as it was a risk but I think that this album led to the end of auto tune as this is in my opinion the best auto tune song of all time. That’s right all-time. Telling a tale of heartbreak, this is the soundtrack to a time that I am sure everyone can relate to.



Favorite Line:
In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told/ Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul To a woman so heartless.

4. Roses: Late Registration

Telling the tale of the impending death of his grandmother while dealing with newfound fame and an adoring public that does not respect boundaries at all times over a sample of “Rosie” by Bill Withers you can feel the pain.

Favorite Line:
“To get there we run, we fly, we drive/Coz with my family we know where home is/ So instead of sending flowers./ We the roses...”

3. Diamonds from Sierra Leone: Late Registration

With a sample from Shirley Bassey’s “Diamonds are Forever” West and composer Jon Brion concoct a instrumental strong enough to hang with the very heavy topic of blood diamonds, A refreshing bit of social consciousness from a an admittedly materialistic artist.

Favorite Line:
“Good morning, this ain't Vietnam/still People lose hands, legs, arms for real/ Little was known of Sierra Leone/And how it connect to the diamonds we own”

2. Get Em High: College Dropout

Simple math formula for the Chocolate Puma: Kanye + Talib Kweli+ Common= A happy Puma. High energy beat, dyslexic flow from Common and gems of lines from Kanye that still to this day makes me chuckle is why this is definitely one of my favorite.

Favorite Line:

“You see I'm so Chi that you thought it was bashful/But this bastard's flow will bash a skull”

1. All Falls Down: College Dropout

Starting with the lovely voice of Syleena Johnson he weaves tales of self consciousness and materialism seamlessly from a fictional woman to himself. And bonus this video featured the greatest cameo in a video ever, Stacey Dash! Ask any guy aged 16-21 when that video was released, they’ll agree.

Favorite Line:
“We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us/ We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we’ll stoop/ Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe”

Well there you go folks, my top ten. Let me know yours. And if you don’t like this I don’t know what to say to you.

The Random Ramblings of A Gentleman of Leisure Part 3,267

It’s been too long my loving legion of fans. But don’t you worry the Chocolate Puma is here and he is ready to give you what you need, what you crave, and dare I say what you dream about. My random thoughts on an assortment of topics in which did not ask my opinion on. You’re welcome.

· The NBA finals huh? Wow. Most of America expected the Heat to roll in and steam roll the Spurs but as they have done all season and most of the decade the Spurs keep surprising us. Taking a 2-1 series lead with a beatemdown of Ike Turner proportions I think it’s safe to say we have a series on our hand.

· Man Dwayne Wade has completely fell the hell off the elite level. The once dynamic guard known as Flash because of his dynamic speed has been reduced to Batman (post Bane breaking his back of course.)

· Tim Tebow signed with the Patriots giving Skip Bayless and ESPN what they needed to bring this no talent nice guy back to the forefront of their programming.

"Reunited and it feels soooooo good!"

Not like anything else is going on in the world of sports. (Not counting the NBA Finals, Finals of the Stanley Cup playoffs, the emergence of Yasiel Puig, Rafael Nadal and Serena Williams dominating the French Open, World Cup Qualifying, etc)

· I am so ridiculously excited for the new Kanye West album that I can barely take it. I am an unabashed mark for Yeezy so save your criticisms for they just won’t resonate with me. I feel the only thing he could do to make me dislike him or his music would be to bad mouth sweet potato pie or slap my mother.

· Dear Lebron, Bald is beautiful, I’m living proof. Signed, The Chocolate Puma .

Pretty soon you're gonna need a a bandana buddy.

· “Celebrities read mean tweets” is such a simple concept but it’s so well done. Shows why Jimmy Kimmel is probably the best late night talk show host in the game right now.



· Seriously sometime humans suck so much ass. He’s a damn 10 year old for goodness sake.

· So NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wrote a letter to congress defending the name of the Washington Redskins. Really dude? I mean…gah! What possible justification do you have outside of merchandising that warrants keeping a slur as the name of one of the marquee franchises of your league? Don’t be a jackass and do the right thing. Jimminy Christmas.

· Last but certainly not least I wanna respond to claims that because I am rooting against the Miami Heat I am “a hater.” Well you’re goddamn right. I hate the Miami Heat. I give them props for what they have done but does it mean I have to jump up and down and act like they are the greatest team assembled? No! I am a Chicago Bulls fan, and any team that beats my Bulls I will root against. Don’t like it? Too bad! This is to the newer Heat fans of course. Those who don’t know who Bimbo Coles is or remember the awesome hair styling of Rony Seikaly. If you can’t tell me who Brian Grant is you’re not a Heat fan. You’re a bandwagon jumper and I’ll see you with your Oklahoma City gear in 2 years.

Good night folks!

The Murder of Trayvon Martin by the Coward George Zimmerman

The trial of George Zimmerman has begun and predictably the time honored tradition of blaming the victim has begun. This time however it feels different. I have never seen the kind of character assassination done on an unarmed victim who was murdered in the street. And let’s be clear, it was murder. It was not self defense as Zimmerman has claimed, it was not an example of an everyday hero standing up for the citizens of his neighborhood, it was a guy who saw a black kid where he didn’t belong in his eyes, stalked that kid, began to lose the fight he started, and then he shot and killed him. This is the truth. This is what happened.

The Zimmerman camps’ attempts at characterizing young Trayvon as a thug and delinquent don’t change these simple truths.

Robert Zimmerman has been very outspoken yet delusional.

What do tweets, texts, facebook posts, or school suspensions have to do with what happened on the night of February 26, 2012? That night he walked to a store, bought some candy, was walking home and because of how he looked was gunned down in the street. So tweeting some Lil’ Wayne lyrics or texts about weed don’t justify murder. That’s not media bias, that’s the truth. The young man wasn’t perfect but damn sure did not deserve what happened to him.

This case is just a microcosm of what happens in society to this day. That’s the unfair assumption of guilt just by your very existence. As the Puma can tell you it’s 2013 and I always have and always will keep my head on a swivel. While I don’t live in a Jim Crow society I do live in a society where I am more likely to be assumed a criminal than the professional gentleman of leisure that I am. I have been stopped by cops for just walking in certain neighborhoods, followed by security guards in stores, and accosted by bouncers as “a wannabe thug.” Any one of these instances could have ended in the tragic case of Trayvon Martin.

I would hope all the evidence sends this coward to prison for a very long time for extinguishing the flame of this young man but history and our society doesn’t have me holding my breath. With legal excuses such as the “Stand your Ground” law there is a chance that this coward could be found not guilty and the feeling that the life of a black man is not that valuable in America will only be strengthened,

Open Letter to A Crotchety Old Man

Dear Barry Prismall,
First and foremost allow me to introduce myself, I am the Chocolate Puma and I gotta say your introduction to me could not have been a more unpleasant experience. I happened to be perusing the interwebs and came across a let’s call it “written” piece you posted about hip hop music. I put written in quotations because your work comes across as spewed after a drunken viewing of Chief Keef and Wacka Flocka Flame videos on BET uncut. I don’t even know where to begin with this broad, generalizing, and frankly uninformed rant against my favorite genre of music. Yes Mr. Prismall hip-hop is music.

First let’s start with your idea that of all the modern musicians today the only one worthy of your time is Pink. I’m sorry what?

Missundastood because she so deep.

 No disrespect to Pink but “Nah nah nah nah, I’m gonna start a fight” is not what one would call deep. Artists like Adele, James Blake, Killer Mike, and so on and so forth are equally worthy of your time, which you obviously don’t use researching the cultures you seem to love to slam.

Secondly, so because your daughter is young, and doesn’t listen to modern music is support that modern music is crap? Maybe your daughter has shitty taste in music? Again I say all this with respect.


You didn’t stop there even though you should have seen the Dom Deluise sized flaws in your agrgument. “Rap is an asylum for slightly agitated nobodies, getting restless with their limbs and getting intense and rich on a one-sided, egotistical conversation. Since when did a heavily choreographed troupe with a provocative dance routine and a heavily tattooed commentator ever properly illustrate a song?”

Really Prissy (Can I call you Prissy)? I am pretty sure you have not listened to well any hip-hop or any other genre of music because in your limited and small world you have yet to evolve to the point to accept that as music evolves it will sound different. You may not like it, you may like it, but I assure you sir that change is good. Hell even one of your favorite artists Bob Dylan is a fan. “These guys weren't standing around bullshitting... They were beating drums, tearing it up, hurling horses over cliffs. They were all poets and knew what was going on.” Yowza, I bet your face is red.

So I hope I have enlightened you but I am sure you’ll turn up the Knights in White Satin and tell me to get off your lawn so I’ll leave you with the words of Mr. Michael Ritter, you’d know him as Killer Mike if you did any research.

“I've never really had a religious experience, in a religious place. Closest I've ever come to seeing or feeling God is listening to rap music. Rap music is my religion. Amen”

“This is jazz, this is funk, this is soul, this is gospel, this is sanctified sex, this is player Pentecostal. This is church; front, pew, amen, pulpit, what my people need and the opposite of bullshit.”

Amen.

Random Musings

It’s been a long time friends, enemies and obsessed stalkers alike but guess what gang? Uncle Puma is back and he is ready to give you the truth you so desperately crave and dare I say it the truth that you need.

· The NBA playoffs have been quite revealing to me. The Thunder lose Russell Westbrook and struggle to beat the Rockets, on the verge of losing to the Grizzlies and exposing the less than great coaching of Scott Brooks at times. I know Mike Conley was excited to see the duo of Reggie Jackson and Derek Fisher across from him.

· Also who saw the Spurs-Warriors being the most exciting series of the playoffs so far? First off, the duo of Steph Curry and Klay Thompson has been amazing against the more experienced Spurs. Mark Jackson has a team on his hands that could be making noise in the playoffs for a long time to come. This series has also shown what happens when you get guys who fit your system and give them time to build a rapport. Who saw Danny Green as being a contributor on playoff team? Only Greg Popovich.


· I admire the heart of the Bulls but let’s be honest this just is not the year of the Bulls. Injuries have completely wrecked us but a positive that can be taken from this season playoff run has been the emergence of Tom Thibodeau as the best coach not named Greg Popovich.

What I tell ya'll about doubting me?

What other guy could take a team that had to start Nate Robinson, Marco Bellinelli, Nazr Muhammed and other scraps and rejects from other teams and take them to at least the second round of the playoffs?

· Is there a bigger fool on this earth than Mario Williams? Damn sir, what kind of simp gives a woman a ring worth $785,000?

Now see what had happened was....

And then you give up a credit card, on which she allegedly incurred $108,000 in charges. And to top this off, he spent $230,000 on "luxurious items" on his former fiancé. Wow. The simping life is real folks.

· Another life that is real is this getting arrested. I’m looking at you Titus Young. Holy hell getting arrested 3 times in one week. I certainly hope he gets the help he sorely needs because there has to be a mental reason for this downward spiral.

· Whoa stay classy Richard P. Sheridan.

Well gang that’s all I got for now but when this round of the NBA playoffs are over I will give you the preview and predictions that my people need and deserve!

The Chocolatey Mock Draft Extravaganza

Hot diggity damn folks, its NFL draft time and with that comes yet another mock draft from yours truly here at Chocolate Puma Enterprises. You see I did so well in my brackets (dead last), fantasy football (5th place) and basketball (4th place) that I pretty much know what the people want, nay what the people need and that friends is the opinion of this humble scribe. These are the picks I think will be best suited for these teams so they’ll mostly be wrong of this I am sure.

Now without further ado, the number one pick of the 2013 NFL draft…

1. Kansas City Chiefs- OT Luke Joeckel: Texas A&M

Kansas City was poor in all aspects last season but they aren’t as bad as they would appear. They have a few pieces on defense, a new quarterback (Alex Smith), and two damn near elite skill players (Jamal Charles and Dwayne Bowe). All they need is someone to protect the QB and Joeckel is the best of the bunch.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars- DT Shariff Floyd: Florida

Blaine Gabbert isn’t bad enough to warrant drafting Geno Smith here. I like the kid but not that much of an upgrade. Floyd is probably the one DT who has benefited the most from Star Lotulelei having a heart scare. And really never hurts to have an athletic defensive tackle on your squad.

3. Oakland Raiders- WR Tayvon Austin: West Virginia 

In the first over-reach of the draft Oakland will grab the speedy receiver from West Virginia because they love fast guys who with explosive potential.

4. Philadelphia Eagles- QB Geno Smith: West Virginia 

Very smart guy who works hard and is athletic enough to do some read option but with weapons like Lesean McCoy, Justin Maclin and Desean Jackson you really just need a strong armed and smart qb with enough mobility to avoid the sack.

5. Detroit Lions- LT Eric Fisher: Central Michigan

Second best tackle prospect in the draft according to most “experts” and I gotta agree. Given that Matthew Stafford’s health is of the utmost importance, getting this bookend to Riley Reiff to give Stafford, Megatron, and newly acquired Reggie Bush room to do work.

6. Cleveland Browns- CB Dee Milliner- Alabama

The best corner in the draft by far and really the worst kept secret in the draft that the Browns covet him. Team him with Joe Haden and they have the best young corner duo in the league.

7. Arizona Cardinals- LT Lane Johnson: Oklahoma

Another trainwreck of a squad, Johnson can protect the newly acquired Carson Palmer and try and get Larry Fitzgerald in the game.

8. Buffalo Bills- QB Ryan Nassib: Syracuse 

Athletic kid, good arm but frankly nothing too special in my opinion and believe me I’m wrong all the time. But his college coach is the new coach of the Bills, knows the system and Kevin Kolb is not about to become Jim Kelly anytime soon.

9. New York Jets- OLB Barkevious Mingo: LSU

The Jets love drafting busts and in the tradition of Vernon Gholston I present to you Barkevious Mingo, a combine warrior who frankly is a bit raw. If I had more faith in the Jets coaches I’d give him a chance but their history of coaching guys is up is quite abysmal.

10. Tennessee Titans- OT Chance Warmack: Alabama

They appear to be committed to Jake Locker who seems to be made of porcelain so why not get someone to protect him? At this spot he may be the best guy available. He’s large with good footwork and fundamentally sound and beast in run blocking.

11. San Diego Chargers- WR Cordalle Patterson: Tennessee 

Possibly the biggest risk/reward pick of the entire draft, he is not what one would call a polished route runner but get the ball in his game and sweet sassy molassey this guy is electric. This could be the guy that helps revitalize the career of Phillip Rivers.

12. Miami Dolphins- S Kenny Vaccaro: Texas

The best safety prospect takes his considerable talents to South Beach. He is a safety in the mold of Ed Reed in that he is a ball hawk and amazing in coverage. Last year they worked on the offensive side of the ball and this year the Dolphins will try and shore up the defensive side.

13. New York Jets- QB Matt Barkley: USC 

Hello? Sanchez? 

Why not?

14. Carolina Panthers- CB Xavier Rhodes: FSU

Their secondary is so awful. A lot of blame was thrown towards Cam Newton and guess what he wasn’t the one giving up Hail Mary bombs to Matt Ryan and every other QB in the NFC South. This is a step in the right direction.

15. New Orleans Saints- OLB Dion Jordan: Oregon

The offense outside of needing to run the ball more is pretty set. There are no first round running backs really so you grab the best defensive player on the board.

16. St. Louis Rams- G/C Jonathan Cooper: North Carolina

They are attempting to get help for Sam Bradford and the offense with the signing of Jake Long and now they need a center, and Cooper is the best of the bunch.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers- DE/OLB Damontre Moore: Texas A&M 

With James Harrison gone, James Farrior old, the time to get some new blood in the defensive rotation is now. Moore was considered by many to be a top 5 pick but after a disastrous combine and pro day his stock has dropped much to the delight of many teams later in the draft.

18. Dallas Cowboys- OT D.J. Fluker: Alabama

They could not keep Tony Romo upright last year so this year the idea to draft a lineman has got to be a no brainer. At this point in the draft you should be able to grab this burly and aggressive fella from Tuscaloosa to keep the franchise healthy.

19. New York Giants- CB Jonathan Banks: Mississippi St.

Aaron Ross was very solid number one corner this past year; Corey Webster on the other hand was not. In Banks you get a corner big enough to deal with your Megatrons but also fast enough to keep up with the Desean Jacksons of the NFL.

20. Chicago Bears- OT Justin Pugh: Syracuse

Well if we keep drafting offensive lineman one has to be good. I mean the law of averages has to take over soon right?

21. Cincinnati Bengals- OLB Jarvis Jones: Georgia

The only picture of Jarvis Jones that matters.

 After striking gold with the undrafted Vontaze Burfict this year they get his outside compliment in Jarvis Jones who in my opinion is the most explosive linebacker and can definitely be a game changer.

22. St. Louis Rams- WR Keenan Allen: Cal

They lost Danny Amendola to the Patriots in the offseason so the receiver from Cal could be the answer to fill that void. He has the size, is a polished route runner and definitely could be a security blanket for Sam Bradford.

23. Minnesota Vikings- MLB Manti Te’o: Notre Dame 

"So where can I get a girl's email address here?"

This is only to anger my Minnesota friends.

24. Indianapolis Colts- DE Bjorn Woerner: Florida St.

With Dwight Freeney gone that defense will definitely need a pass rush and his strength also helps with run defense which makes him an every down lineman.

25. Minnesota Vikings- WR Deandre Hopkins:

The Vikings signed Greg Jennings but he never really stays healthy so drafting a backup who is an explosive athlete such as Hopkins who can excel on the turf of the great north.

26. Green Bay Packers- S Eric Reid: LSU

Charles Woodson is gone so again a pick of convenience. Reid is easily the second best safety in this class and should slide right in as a starter as he is solid in both the run and the pass.

27. Houston Texans- WR Justin Hunter: Tennessee

Andre Johnson is no spring chicken and has struggled with injuries in the last few seasons. While his upside is not that of his college teammate Patterson he is almost certain to be a solid contributor, which is just, what the Texans need.

28. Denver Broncos- S Matt Elam: Florida

There is no Ravens Super Bowl if not for the awful pass coverage by the Broncos. They attempt to shore this deficiency up with the ballhawk from Gainesville.

29. New England Patriots- DT Jonathan Hankins: Ohio St.

While they are set with people at defensive tackle this a very Patriot move, they get a guy from a proven program and appears to be a decent personality.

30. Atlanta Falcons- TE Tyler Eifert: Notre Dame

Tony Gonzalez is coming back for one more go round. May as well bring in his replacement to learn from the master. He is able to catch the ball in traffic; he can go up and get it and is an above average blocker.

31. San Francisco 49ers- TE Zach Ertz: Stanford

They lost Delanie Walker to the Titans and Vernon Davis needs a back up so hello Mr. Ertz a former player for coach Jim Harbaugh at Stanford.

32. Baltimore Ravens- CB Desmond Trufant: Washington

He is the top corner at this point in the draft and not a bad one. He can certainly be of help on an aging defense that has lost two of its icons in Ed Reed and Ray Lewis.



Well folks there you have it, the 2013 NFL Draft. So there is no need to even watch tomorrow I have it nailed.

!!!!!!!

Pretty sure I just nerdgasmed.