October's Sit Your Ass Down Award

Ah yes we have come to that time of the month. No not my monthly crisis on the current state of the Chicago Bulls. I refer of course to the time I sit down and go over who in the world is most deserving of being told to have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up. This month is someone who frankly I am shocked I have not told to have a seat earlier. So without further ado I whip out, yes whip out the proverbial Ethan Allen and tell this fine (by fine I mean disgusting sack of human waste) gentleman to have a seat.

Mike Huckabee, get your bootleg Hanna Barbera villain ass down here so you can sit your ass down!

"Alright kids, uncle Huck is gonna play some popular music!"

For the most part ol' Hucks has been a fairly annoying and mostly corny presence in most of our lives. Then some jerk wagon decided to tell Huckabee about twitter and then he became a hack comedian who's jokes are so bad they would make God herself set fire to an orphanage in rage.

Well he decided to jump on the twitter machine during a vacation to Hawaii and drop this gem:

Checked hospital records in Honolulu and found no birth certificate indicating I was born here. pic.twitter.com/yIP572lc75

— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) October 24, 2017

Sigh...here we go with a call back to that ol' racist classic "Was Obama really born here?" But hey maybe I should just get over it. I mean it's funny right? Because he's a white guy. And white guys are America! Jokes! Seriously if in the year of our Lord 2017 you're still making birther jokes about the now former president...you know what if you made birther jokes to begin with I extend to you from the deepest depth of my soul a hearty and earthy fuck you to you and yours.

So before Mike unearths some Menudo and Rico Suave jokes since he's hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. Shout out to Family Guy for that last reference.


Alright jerk bags, I'm out. Keep it sleazy.

2017 Tables, Ladders and Chairs Preview

Ah yes, another weekend, another pay per view from the WWE. Even though you won't have the champion Brock Lesnar or my personal favorite at the moment Samoa Joe who is out with a knee injury, this should be a pretty good card minus one stinker which I think you'll be able to tell by my reaction to it. Without further ado I present my predictions which I guarantee will not be correct.

"The Demon" Finn Balor VS "Sister Abigail" Bray Wyatt
So Puma how do you feel about this feud and this match?

 Sigh...I mean ok? This match makes no sense. Balor won as his human persona and his demon persona. So they're running it back again as the Demon vs Bray Wyatt wearing a veil? I...yeah they both deserve better than this. I'll say Balor wins because he has a date with Brock Lesnar and needs to look strong.
Winner: The Demon

The Brian Kendrick & Gentleman Jack Gallagher VS Rich Swann & Cedric Alexander
This match is involving 4 of the guys who should be in the main event scene of the Crusierweight division. The alliance between Kendrick and Gallagher was a great swerve to Gallagher's act. And now that he has lost the rainbow trunks and wrestles in damn oxfords he brings a touch of old timey bad ass. Where as Rich Swann is pure excitement and energy my favorite in this match has to be Cedric Alexander.

A sight we should see more often.

Since his days at Ring of Honor he has always been underrated. Give these guys ten minutes and they'll have the crowd going nuts. As much as I like Swann and Alexander, I expect the heels to win this one.
Winner: Gallagher and Kendrick

Enzo Amore VS Kalisto (Cruiserweight Championship)
This is going to be the definition of the go to the bathroom match in my opinion. Kalisto is a very talented wrestler but devoid of any kind of charm. Enzo has charisma in spades but has the wrestling talent of Estelle Getty.

I single handedly forced Neville to quit! How you doin?!

Why they'd make a title switch so hastily is odd, probably to get over the little problem of no one being able to get a title shot at Enzo due to the division wide beat down. I expect Enzo to get the title back. And hopefully move on to a program with oh I don't know...Cedric Alexander.
Winner: Enzo Amore

Asuka VS Emma
Emma has been one of the most misused talents in recent history. That being said I see no reason why shecan't go out there and shock the....BAHAHAHAHAHAHA SIKE! While she has been misused she's gonna get her head legit kicked off by Asuka. In her own words...

Winner: Asuka

Mickie James VS Alexa Bliss
This is probably the best use of Alexa Bliss' time until she runs into the buzzsaw that is Asuka.

This also can bring some closure to the Mickie James/Alexa angle that was kind of aborted when they both made the move from Smackdown to Raw. I will say that I hope it's the end of degrading feuds for Mickie James. First it was Piggy James years ago and now it's how she is so old. My God she deserves better.
Winner: Alexa Bliss

The Shield VS The Miz, Cesaro, Sheamus, Braun Strowman and Kane
Ok let me say that I love the reformed Shield. I think all their personalities combined make for a highly popular wrestler. That being said is there any chance the Shield loses? I mean the odds have been stacked against them to a comical level. The Bar and the Miz would have been enough odds, then you add in Braun Strowman and that's some odds that are hard to overcome. Throwing Kane in to remind us of his Wrestlemania match just appears to be overkill. So they're power up and through some kind of magic they'll get the win. My guess is the Miz eats a spear from Roman because we can't have nice things.

Winner: The Shield

Well there you have it folks, my guesses for TLC 2017. Join me in a few weeks when I incorrectly predict a Jinder Mahal loss and I fawn endlessly over Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens.   

Ten Takes (Some of the Fuego Variety) For the Upcoming NBA Season

Ah it's the most wonderful time of the year. If anyone knows anything about the old Puma of Chocolate origin it's that he loves himself some NBA basketball. In fact, I'll step out on a limb and say that the NBA is THE BEST SPORTS LEAGUE. This is not an invitation for debate, if you have a differing opinion I invite you to create your own moderately visited blog and espouse your own crazy opinions! Now that we got that out the way in honor of the upcoming NBA season I shall give you a few of the takes rattling around the Chocolate noggin.

1. Dennis Smith Jr. is going to be the 2017-18 Rookie of the year.
Quickly becoming one of everyone's dark horse picks to be rookie of the year, I am drinking the kool-aid. Wildly athletic to a Westbrookian degree, he landed in the perfect spot.

With an experienced coach and team which also happens to have one of the more selfless lineups in recent memory We could see him get points and assists needed to be a statistical virtuoso in his inaugural campaign. Add in the fact Ben Simmons and Markelle Fultz will probably cancel each other out and Lonzo Ball is heading into the season depending on Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle and Brook Lopez.

2. Fred Hoiberg will get a contract extension.

Now just so we're clear, I'm not saying he deserves a contract extension. I, and many others think he is in fact the worst coach in the league.  You see because the basketball gods are fickle and blessed us with years of Michael Jordan we have since been cursed with years of Gar Foreman and John Paxson. The dastardly duo can never admit to being wrong and their biggest mistake to date, giving the seemingly nice fella from Ames the reigns to a team that should be consistent playoff contenders.

3. Brett Brown will be Coach of the Year.
Does this count as a hot take? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is Brett Brown is one of the best coaches no one has ever heard of. Why has no one heard of him? Because he's been with the Philadelphia 76ers and consistently been given one of the worst rosters in the sport. Now he has a good mix of youth (Markelle Fultz, Ben Simmons, Dario Saric, and Joel Embiid) and veterans (JJ Reddick, Robert Covington, Amir Johnson) to make some strides towards a playoff spot in the East. A big part of that will come down to my next take...

4. Joel Embiid will play in at least 65 games.
It's crazy that in 3 seasons he has only played in 31 games but here we are and we are still excited at the possibility of what he can become. In a brief showing last season he showed the footwork, speed, and power that had Bill Self losing all composure when he was at the University of Kansas.

If he stays healthy then a debt of gratitude is owed to Sam Hinkie. He played the draft lottery like a fiddle and possibly could set the Sixers up for a solid run of contention.


5. Toronto's window has shut. 
For a brief shimmering moment some believed that the Raptors had a chance to dethrone the Cavaliers. That was cute. While the rest of the Eastern contenders got better they stood pat, in fact they may have gotten worse. While Boston acquired Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward, Toronto added....googles furiously...CJ Miles? Well it could be worse he typed looking at a tear stained photo of Jimmy Butler.


6. Nikola Jokic wins the Most Improved Player Award
One thing I have learned from twitter is that outside of Kobe or LeBron no one has fiercer defenders than Nikola Jokic. And after seeing him in person last year as the Nuggets drubbed the Bulls I can see why. He has officially surpassed Kenneth Faried as the low post force and with the offense seemingly built around him the sky is the limit for the lanky Serbian.


7. Houston will earn the #2 Seed in the West...
Adding Chris Paul to the already strong core of James Harden, Trevor Ariza, and Clint Capela will definitely make Mike D'Antoni a happy man.

Now he has a point guard that is a marked improvement over Patrick Beverly and should open things up for sharp shooters such as Ryan Anderson and Eric Gordon.

8. It Won't Matter, they're losing in the Second Round

Because like death and taxes the one thing you can always depend on is Chris Paul having an earlier than expected exit from the playoffs.

9. Giannis Antetokounmpo Will Win NBA MVP.
There I said it. Greek Freak joins the Parthenon of NBA Greats who have won an MVP award. Bad puns notwithstanding, the table is set perfectly for him.

He can play all 5 positions on the court, is on a young and exciting team, and I am guessing the media is getting fatigue from voting for LeBron, Steph, KD and Russ. That all plays into the hands of Giannis.

10. The Chicago Bulls Will Not Even Win 20 Games. 

Live look at most Bulls fans

This one hurts the most. As a lifelong Bulls fans I have seen some insane highs, but now we're about to witness the darkest timeline. A timeline where we see a player to watch as Paul Zipser. Where we are depending on Bobby Portis to become at best a poor man's Taj Gibson. As we're being led into games by Fred Hoiberg, a man who barely commanded the respect of a college locker room.

Well there you have it. Not sure these are scorching takes but they're mine and I am gonna ride with em.  Let the madness begin!

Hell in a Cell 2017 Preview

Hot diggity damn, the blue brand is back with another pay per view so your boy is back with yet another heaping helping of prognostication. For the most part Smackdown has been the superior of the two brands so we shall see if their quality continues.Without further ado I present to you how I think things will play out on Hell...IN A...CELL!

Randy Orton VS Rusev

In theory you would think that Randy Orton doesn't really need this win as the RKO is possibly the most over move in all of professional wrestling and let's be honest, Rusev could use the win. However let's be honest with how this is going to work out, Rusev is going to physically dominate the entire match yet will fall victim to the RKO out of nowhere. Hopefully it is interesting, maybe even find a way to work in the homie Aiden English, who weirdly has all of the heels respect.
Winner: Randy Orton

Bobby Roode VS Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is currently working a "I hate any kind of showmanship" gimmick which is weird because he has made his career calling himself the Show-Off. Bobby Roode fresh off a great heel run in NXT is trying to establish himself as a face so expect an over the top entrance from Roode. As for the match really only one way for this one to go and that would be a truly glorious victory for Roode.

Winner: Bobby Roode

Baron Corbin VS AJ Styles (United States Championship)
Baron Corbin is a perplexing case. Wins the Money in the Bank briefcase but then loses on the cash in. Then in a match where John Cena could have put him over out the door he loses again. AJ Styles on the other hand has been the best wrestler in the world probably since he came back from Japan.

From a story line aspect it makes no sense to have AJ drop the title if he's not going to feud for the World title. I would expect AJ to win and continue adding some prestige to the US title.
Winner: AJ Styles

Charlotte Flair VS Natalya (Smackdown Women's Championship)
It was pretty cool to see Nattie finally get another run as champ given some of the terrible booking she has had in the past (she seriously had a gimmick where she farted a lot. Seriously). But I think the time has come to transition the title to someone else. Now I know what you're thinking, Charlotte goes over here. Not necessarily. I see Nattie coming out over Charlotte but Carmella with the help of her lap dog James Ellsworth gets the drop on her and successfully cashes in her money in the bank contract.
Winner: Natalya...then Carmella

The Usos vs The New Day (Smackdown Tag Team Championship) 
Smackdown has not been without it's faults, but what consistently has been great has been the rivalry of the New Day and the Usos. After kinda floundering the last few years as generic babyfaces the Heel Usos have been my favorite act in all of Smackdown.

They single handedly are probably responsible for American Alpha not taking off as they should because they're doing such great work that you can't help but cheer for them. Unless they are against the New Day, no matter what two members represent they have undeniable chemistry with the Usos. Now you add in the fact this match is going to be in a Hell in a Cell match and you have the match of the night guaranteed.

I would expect the New Day to win and possibly then feud with a debuting heel tag team (*cough* Authors of Pain *cough*).
Winner: The New Day

Shinuske Nakamura vs Jinder Mahal (WWE Championship)
Jinder has been a serviceable champion. Not the worst I've seen, but definitely more suited to be a mid-card heel than a main event guy. That being said I don't think the time is right to put the title on Nakamura. I feel that should be a big moment against someone who he has had a long feud with and you can have that big moment. So given that this match is not inside a cell I would expect the Singhs to continue their shenanigans and do their job and Jinder retains and moves on to the next feud while Nakamura begins the program that could lead us to a match with AJ Styles at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Jinder Mahal

Shane McMahon VS Kevin Owens
Now this match has to close to show. I mean KO busted open the guy's 70 year old father and gave him a frog splash. Also shout out to Vince McMahon for taking a head butt like that at 70. Now Shane is known for falling off very tall things and being hurled through very sharp things. So you know there is going to be a moment where he is on top of the cage and let's be honest that never turns out well for him. Owens is such an unlikable person yet one of the top guys in the business so while some will root for Shane and Owens will make it seem close there's no way he loses this match.

Winner: Kevin Owens

Well there you have it, another ppv down. I'll look to continue my streak with the next pay per view but if I don't chill out, this is free content.

Peace out humanoids.