The Chocolate Puma's Guide To Dominating Fantasy Football!

As my girlfriend can attest I am probably one of the coolest any of the people reading this will ever meet. It is in this vein of coolness that I offer you fantasy football advice. Yes, the Chocolate Puma, the man who has been a runner up in 3 out of 25 fantasy leagues is willing to impart some of his wisdom. You’re welcome!

Quarterbacks:
1. Aaron Rodgers: Green Bay
It pains me to put this guy as the top quarterback in fantasy but I got to. This guy was downright ridiculous last year throwing for over 4,600 yards, 45 touchdowns and also ran for over 250 yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground.

2. Drew Brees: New Orleans
Brees is kind of a bum, I mean he only threw for 5,400 yards, 46 touchdown passes, and had a passer rating of over 110. Yeah.


3. Tom Brady: New England 

 

Yeah...this guy is an elite quarterback

Another person it pains me to put on this list but damn it Brady always burns me when I bet against him. Threw for 5,200 yards, 39 touchdowns and he has Rob Gronkowski, Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez. Not some bad options.

Running Backs:

1. Ray Rice: Baltimore

Many people don’t realize the monster season he had last year but oh I did. Rushing for over 1,300 yards had over 700 yards receiving and a total of 15 touchdowns. Not bad.

2. Arian Foster: Houston

In only 13 games last year he racked up over 1,900 total yards and scored 12 touchdowns. Given Houston’s run heavy game plan he would be a very wise pick up.

3. Matt Forte: Chicago

Since coming into the league I would argue he has been the most versatile back in the league. Given how terrible our O-Line is here in Chicago he has also become a very capable receiver. Expect his receptions to drop but yards to pick up as the Bears now have a legitimate # 1 receiver.

Wide Receivers:

1. Calvin Johnson: Detroit

Why? Because he’s Megatron, that’s why.

2. Larry Fitzgerald: Arizona

Arguably the best receiver in the game when he has a quarterback who can get him the ball and a top 3 when he doesn’t. No one in the league can drag their toes on that sideline throw like Young Mr. Fitz.

3. Wes Welker: New England

A quality receiver in a pass first offense that had 122 catches last season. Even if he has a little drop off he is still a 100 reception receiver.

Tight Ends:

1. Rob Gronkowski: New England

Holy hell did the Gronk put it together last season. And with the lack of a running game in New England expect the numbers to continue to rise, maybe not 18 touchdowns but receptions and yardage definitely.

2. Jimmy Graham: New Orleans

Everything I said about Gronkowski could easily apply here as well. Led the league with 149 targets last year so expect that to continue and Graham had six catches, 75 yards and/or one touchdown 14 times—tops among all NFL tight ends.

3. Vernon Davis: San Francisco

"It's an honor to be in the Chocolate Puma's Top 3!!!"

Seven times last season he had six catches, 75 yards and/or one touchdown. Not to mention being the only red zone target essentially for Alex Smith he is always a viable candidate. I am sure Randy Moss will cut into that a little bit but not so much he slides out my top 3.

Team Defenses:

1. San Francisco 49ers

2. Houston Texans

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

Well gang follow this advice and maybe one day you too can be a runner up in a fantasy football league once every 8 leagues. Man is my lady friend lucky.

Favorite Wrestling Finishers

Anybody who knows the Chocolate Puma can attest to and also mock the fact that I am a huge professional wrestling fan.  So if you are not a fan, don’t want to read about it, or feel the need to tell me incessantly that it’s fake then stop reading now. Alright, still here? Good.  Professional wrestling is like a play in a sense and the finale of said play is when the wrestler has applied or completed his finisher. Outside of one time putting my friend in a sharpshooter after baseball practice I can’t say I have too much experience performing a finisher but alas I shall give you my unsolicited list of my favorite finishers.

Honorable Mention:

JBL: Clothesline from Hell

Nothing scientific about this one, pure power and looks like it could literally decapitate a man.

The Dudley Boyz: 3D

Sue me, I am putting a tag team on here it’s my list. When the tables were brought out especially you knew the Dudley Death Drop was not far behind.

Drew McIntyre: Future Shock DDT

Even though he appears to have gone from the chosen one to feuding with Seth Rollins on the newest incarnation of NXT one thing can’t be denied, his finisher is effective.

5.  Legion of Doom:  Doomsday Device

Without question the coolest tag team finisher in my opinion. The flip their victim usually had off the shoulders just made this move look so devastating.

4.  Macho Man Randy Savage: Elbow Drop

It’s like a thing of beauty. 

3. Mike Awesome: The Awesome Bomb

Before going to WCW and being completely ruined, Mike Awesome was a powerbombing beast in ECW. The crème de la crème of all his variations was the Awesome Bomb.

2.  Bret Hart: The Sharpshooter

I was going to avoid submission holds but Bret Hart was probably one of my two or three favorite wrestlers growing up so he had to be included on this list. Not to mention my expert recreation of the move which I mentioned earlier.

And now my favorite finisher of all time, a move, that struck so quick that you were running to your VCR to see it again. 

1.  Diamond Dallas Page: The Diamond Cutter

Yes Randy Orton calls it the RKO and “Mr. Excitement” John Lauranitis called it the Ace Crusher back in the day but when I was coming up the Diamond Cutter was the move du jour. Paired with the unpredictable nature of DDP and it was a match made in heaven. 

Well this has been a fun trip down memory lane, till next time, Puma is out.

Have Some Ridiculous Ranting

I don’t really have any one topic that I am so incensed about that a blog post is going to roll out of me. I do however have a lot of mundane opinions about things that people did not ask to hear.  You’re welcome.

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I hate election season. I hate it with the white hot fire of a million suns. What I dislike the most is how the candidates, no matter the office, no matter the party, this idea of everyone trying to be seen as just someone you’d want to drink with. Let me be clear, I do not want to vote for someone I drink with. Because the people I drink with we don’t come up with ideas to save a nation, we discuss whether passing tankers are filled with nacho cheese.

  The Olympics have totally consumed me. Gabby Douglas winning was huge, seeing Phelps top his career was great but for me the Olympics is all about the track and field events and boy did they not disappoint. Specifically the entire field of the men’s 100 meter final. I mean Tyson Gay ran a 9.8 and he finished 4^th. Historically 82 men have run worse than that and won. He finished 4^th. This was the greatest 100 meter field ever.

Well damn France.

Au Revoir bitch!

 The dopeness of this kr3w watch cannot even be expressed through words.   

 Randy Travis got what is basically the unicorn of all DUIs. Yes the naked, crashed in a tree kind. Somehow I bet this is still hip-hop’s fault.

So excited for the start of the NFL season. The Bears are in a stacked division but I believe in our team finishing 16-0. I never said I was logical when it came to the Bears. In all honesty I see Cutler making that step to the next level with weapons that finally match his skill set. Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, Earl Bennett joining a talented backfield with (a happy) Matt Forte and Michael Bush should lead to a sight we're not used to in the city of wind.

A smiling Jay Cutler!

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